I Stand Alone, no?

[Sasha]

"I don't remember it very well, except the bad parts." Sasha explained to him. Bad parts as in her father's death and how it was her fault, and how she had fought a griffin in an attempt to prove her strength and loyalty to her mother. Such a foolish thing to do, fighting a griffin as a child and expecting to win and gain her mother's love.

Words couldn't describe how glad she was to hear that she'd be properly fed when she got to Camelot. Honestly, she hadn't truly been properly fed since she left Camelot at seven-years-old. It had been alright, her mother killing animals and stealing if necessary, but it just wasn't a proper meal. "Oh... thank god, I haven't had a good meal in a long time. Even when I lived with my mother." She exclaimed with excitement.

Sasha smiled down at Lancelot. "I am glad I survived the fight. The reason I went looking for it, like a fool, is because it was just another failed attempt to prove myself to my mother. Also, when I was a child and even now, I like to dare myself to impossible things such as that." She told him, some parts with a very slight chuckle. Why did she trust Lancelot? She had just met him. Sasha could usually sense those things in a man or woman by their body movements. For instance, if someone was lying she'd know right away... because they'd glance to the left. See what happened when she had a lot of time to herself? "I'm brave like my father, if I had to be.”

[Deleted]

Lancelot had heard stories of people being through horrible events, like massacres, and be unable to remember or recall anything that had happened. Some, of course, attributed it to magic, or some spell, while others simply thought that some things were just too horrible to remember, so the mind just .... forgot them. He had never run across such people himself, but there was a first time for everything, and perhaps this was it. "Have you ever tried to force yourself to remember," he asked,hoping that he didn't sound unfeeling or callous. the thing was, he reminded himself, was that people tended to forget the bad, not the good. This was indeed a puzzling thing, he thought.

His confidence that she would undoubtedly receive a good meal at Camelot seemed, thankfully, to break her direction of thought. He was glad since he didn't know if there was anything good to come out of the discussion they were having, outside of confusion over what she remembered and what she could not. Apparently she had not had one in some time. "Oh is that right , and what was life like with your mother? It seems that you may have said that it was not too pleasant. Did she feed you well," he asked.

"Well, I would expect that everyone who had a good view of you now is likewise glad that you survived it. However, I must caution you that if you consider doing anything as reckless in the future that your life expectancy may be quite short. Hmmmm ..... why was it a failed attempt .... was it failed because it was a Gryffon or failed because that there was little hope to prove yourself to her. The question, then, would be then, why did you make the attempt?" Her response caused him to smile slightly,but just walk on, with little other expression on his face. "It would seem that you are drawn to impossible tasks, almost as a knight would be." although he was no longer looking directly at her, he could feel her ayes as they passed over him, almost as if she was analyzing him. He wondered if he was passing whatever test she had laid for him. What was she thing, he wondered. "I don't doubt that you are, milady. I would just hope make it so that there was less of a need for you to be brave, whether you are like your father or not."

[Sasha]

"I have tried to force myself, but personally I always gave up because I don't think it's worth remembering. I mean, at the time, I was thinking it's all over so what's the point of getting even more depressed, as if it wasn't bad enough," The nomad Sasha explained to him. This was very true, of course.

When Lancelot asked how life was with her mother, she started to explain to him right away with confidence he'd understand, “As I stated before, it wasn't that good. Sometimes she was very nice to me, like she used to be, but not usually.” She took a moment to think about his second question. “She made sure I ate first, but since there wasn't much I didn't get to eat as much as I would have hoped. Neither did she, but she made sure she fed me more than herself.”

She dipped her head to him. “Yes, you are right,” she agreed. “There was little hope that I would prove myself to my mother, yet I did get pretty far while defending myself. But aside from my wounds, my mother said that she hated that I was so much like my father. I don't plan on doing something like that again unless it was to protect someone I cared about.”

[Deleted]

Lancelot nodded his head slightly at her, understanding both her desire to remember and the apparent difficulty she had in remembering what she was desiring to. "However, it is difficult to say what is worth remembering and what is not, unless we know what we have forgotten. Who's to say what is important and what's not, or what is significant. That, of course, has to be a personal decision, and you have made it. I'm not sure that I could so easily accept an area of my life and mind being closed off, though. Yes .... yes .... I could see why you would want to avoid the pain if depression was going to be the end result."

He considered what she had said at the very end carefully. "Why .... do you find yourself depressed easily and often. Honestly .... a fighting knight can't allow himself to be subject to such emotions. they will lead to his death, or perhaps more importantly, the death of his comrades on the field of conflict, unless he is focused on the issues at hand." They were silent for several minutes as they continued to walk on the path toward Camelot. Lancelot was used to the company of his horse, and not the need to make conversation. It was never a skill that he thought encompassed the duties or a honor of a knight. Finally, though, she went back to the question he had raised before about her mother.

She had gone over this ground somewhat before, he remembered. It sounded to him as if she was a bit unsure exactly where she stood, since her mother apparently treated her significantly differently from time-to-time. However, overall, it sounded like the experience had been a negative, almost as if her mother blamed her for something, as crazy as that sounded. "It sounds like a strange relationship. It seems that she resented you in some way, but at the same time, took pains to make sure that you had things that she did not, such as food."

He saw her bow slightly in deference to the opinion that he had just given her. "There is no reason, milady, to give me such deference. I am no noble, at least not an English one. I do have some experience, though, in trying to live up to another's expectations. I know that once you fail someone, in their eyes, you can never measure up ..... they've already judged you," he said, thinking specifically of Uther Pendragon, in terms of himself. "However, you can't let others set your path for you. That's something for you to determine, I think. As a Knight, though, placing ourselves in harms way is a daily expectation. one hopes its not necessary, but unfortunately it often is. I could see, for example,many who would wish to protect one such as you, milady."

[Sasha]

"I know... but at least depression has never broken me," she said to Lancelot, her eyes almost about to water from the memories. Why had she done the things she did? Her life could have been wonderful!

No! No! Hold it in, Sasha. You don't want him to know your true pain, she snapped at herself. Sasha couldn't wait to get off this subject. "I'm thankful she at least did that for me," she faked a smile at Sir Lancelot.

She heard Lancelot say that she needn't treat him like a noble, and that triggered a few thoughts that she wanted to let out but knew it was forbidden for her sake. Well, look at me, Lancelot. I'm a traitor, and you're closer to nobility than I'd ever be. "I don't look down on anyone, so I feel I should respect you," she said with a genuine smile. That was the truth, because she was the lowest of the low. "After all, you're escorting me to Camelot when you don't have to, you know. That's another good reason I should show you respect."

[Deleted]

Sometimes, Lancelot thought, it was not a question of it breaking us, but changing us into people we preferred not to be. It seemed almost for a moment, that she turned her head so that he could not look into her eyes, he thought. Lancelot slightly nodded at her words before saying, "At least we don't think it has broken us. Sometimes we simply reject thinking about what's caused the depression, refusing to deal with it, and then moving on to something or someone else."

Lancelot thought about his next words carefully, before uttering them. "Sometimes, ignoring them like that, can be more dangerous than facing them, even though facing them can be quite frightening, if you know what I mean, milady." Lancelot was afraid that he had strayed into too personal a region .... a place, as a knight, that he had no business. At any rate, after he had finished speaking she went back to the subject of her mother, and smiled, but the smile didn't seem quite right he thought. Oh well, he considered, at least it seemed to brighten he face and attitude, which the talk of depression had surely not, so he returned her smile, in kind with one of his own.

"Yes .... yes ..... milady ..... Sasha. That is a good think, or as a knight, I would not have had the privilege to meet and serve you now, and the world would have been denied that smile you just displayed," he said, nodding slightly. At her next statement he was somewhat puzzled. "That is an interesting, although refreshing attitude to take, milady. And I am glad that I engender respect from you, as a knight. However, I fear that I have done nothing as of yet to earn such praise. Escorting you? Well ..... such service, as a knight I owe you, and hope that you find that I perform it well." Lancelot did not wish to show it, but he was always concerned that he fell short of proper behavior, due to his lack of training and experience, especially in the social skills, compared to other knights.

[Sasha]

Sasha listened to his words about facing her depression. "I've tried before, but... I just don't have the courage to face it. As you probably know, man or woman we'd still be afraid to face their depression and past... especially in my case," she explained to him. "Know what I mean?"

"Truly, I think everyone deserves respect. For instance, when someone of very high ranking treats a commoner like nothing I can't help but think that's foolishness. I've been to ranks lower than a commoner, and yet everyone shows me respect just for my blood." She talked on. Wait, was she going on too long? "Well, you're doing good so far. I don't think it's possible for a man such as you to mess up." She half meant that last part, because she didn't exactly know him enough to mean it.

[Deleted]

Lancelot saw that she, unlike many nobles, was actually listening to what he was saying. He did not have to wait long for her response, and her words, when they came, weren't exactly surprising. "Forgive me, milady, for perhaps appearing to be un-feeling, but are you sure that you actually tried, and weren't just going through the motions. I think you would be surprised at what courage you have if you actually try to summon it. I have seen on the battle-field, men, who thought they no courage, would find it. You would be right to say that that is a different kind of courage, but still ..... Explain why your case would be different .... if you don't mind? I am only aware of my shortcomings .... not so much of others."

So, she thought that everyone deserves respect .... that was quite unusual. He wondered how some nobles would receive such knowledge. He doubted whether it would be received with much acceptance, unfortunately. He thought, though, that was the way that a knight should look at the world ..... a perfect knight. It was truly a shame that perfect knights were in such a short supply. Lancelot was not one, for sure, but it was something that he strove towards as a goal.

"I think that, milady, is an excellent attitude to take. I would hope that, in the end, that I am able to give that respect to as many as deserve it. So .... you think I have done well so far, then. A man such as myself? And what do you mean by that?," he asked as they came within sight of the outer walls of Camelot.