Guilty Pleasures

[Arthur Pendragon]

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[Guinevère]

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[Arthur Pendragon]

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[Guinevère]

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[Arthur Pendragon]

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[Guinevère]

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[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur was unsure how much time had passed. All he knew was that he had the most incredible time with the woman he loved. That the feelings she raised in him; the emotions she caused to surge through his body . . . were ones that he had never had before. And ones that he wished for more often. She was lying on top of him, his arms wrapped around her. One was casually draped over her lower back while the other trailed up and down her bare back. Though the lower half of their bodies was covered with the blanket, their bodies were still pressed together. He could still feel her against him and just holding her in his arms, he never wanted to move from this position. His heart had finally calmed from the intense pounding during the pivotal moments throughout their activities. His breath had steadied to a normal rate, as oppose to how accelerated it had been. He was just content. And happy.

Until the guilt started to set in. It was not immediate but it was slowly seeping into his mind. Had he slept after wards, perhaps there would not have been time . . . but sleep had eluded him. So now, he was left with his thoughts. Thinking about what he had just done. How he had betrayed Elena. How he had put Guinevère in a horrible position. And what made it worse . . . was that he could not bring himself to regret any of it. What kind of person did this make him?

[Guinevère]

Something was touching her, and it felt comforting. She was waking up slowly, but not enough for reason to come into her mind. Her body felt warm and a little sore, but for some reason she only really felt happy. Safe. The dream she'd been having was too good to let go. She wished she could hold onto it a little longer.

Going to stretch, she felt something under her. That was the moment her mind started coming clearer. Not something! Someone! Her eyes opened fully and she opened them too a large scar on a pale shoulder. She knew that scar. Looking up, she came face to face with Arthur, and everything of the last few hours became very real. Reaching up to though his face, knowing she had no right to do so, KNOWING that this was damning her further she felt her heart break. What had they done?

[Arthur Pendragon]

He felt her move and before he knew it, she was looking up at him. She was awake, and the expression on her face . . . was not one that he ever wanted to see. But knew he had a similar one. Whenever he had envisioned them together, he always thought they would wake up, smiles on their faces and perhaps engage in bit more playful teasing. But not now. Now, the full realization of what they had done was going to sink it. Just as it slowly started to register in Arthur's mind. With her hand on his cheek, he tried to smile. He tried to do something reassuring, and comforting, but found no words came out. His expression was soft, but not jovial. Because . . . because he had just cheated on his wife. Because he loved the woman he was with now. And because, he had potentially hurt two women that he cared for -- in very different ways -- beyond belief.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. For so many things he felt the need to apologize. For making her feel however she must feel right now. He had never meant for things to go this far. It had started with a simple escort, that had turned to casual conversation, to intense confessions, to a hug, to now . . . this. He put his hands on her waist to gently shift her off of him, as he slipped out from under her on the other side of the bed. The bed was not too large so he was still next to her, just not right underneath her and without their bodies pressed against each other anymore. He sat upright in bed, still making sure that the sheet covered his lower half. Yet, he felt he could not move right now. So he just sat up, staring straight ahead of him, with one question screaming in his mind: What have I done?

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[Guinevère]

What had she done? Arthur apologized, and moved out from under her, making her feel all the more sullen then she had a moment go. There was no going back from this! If any one found out then it would hurt his wife beyond reason, and destroy her reputation. THOMAS! What would happen if she was discovered! No one would want their children spending time with the son of a fallen woman.

His wife as well was going though a very emotional time. This would kill her! At the same time, it was a memory that Guinevère would never let go, or wish to give up. She'd been allowed to pretend, if only for a few hours that he belonged to her. That they were happy.

Looking at his back, she reached for the pillow and held it to her to cover her self, sitting up behind him. "Arthur," she whispered, needing him to say something besides sorry! SHE did this and he should know that! Yet she could not force an apologize out. She was sorry for the hurt this cause, but not for the memory it gave her.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur heard her say his name, and knew what she was thinking. Well, parts of what she was thinking. What he did fear was that she would feel guilty for this, when it had been his own fault. He should have known better. He'd asked to hold her and she had warned him . . . he should have listened. He should have known that his self control and vulnerability around her was not strong. He thought he had everything under control, and now it seemed as if everything slipped from his grasp. That everything was out of control. That he was no longer the stoic and composed king. He did not look at her. He put his head in his hands for a moment, rubbing them over his face as if trying to determine what to do. His wife was not here . . . because she was with her father, crying over their lost child. And what had he done. Made love to the woman he loved. But still, could not apologize for doing so . . . because he didn't regret it.

He did wish he could spare Guinevère from whatever pain he had caused her; and what he feared he would cause her. He put his hands back at his side and turned to look at her, trying to smile but knowing it came out completely strained. What should he say to her. How could he explain this to her without hurting her. He did not want to be with Elena, but he could not leave her either. It was never that simple. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out so he just closed it, looking back straight ahead of him. He wanted to apologize again for the potential disaster this held . . . but he couldn't just keep saying sorry. Nor could he say that this was a mistake. "I should . . . " His voice trailed off, not even sure of what he wanted to say. He should go. But he didn't want to leave. He was flustered with all the guilt that he now felt, and all the hatred towards himself for putting Guinevère in such an emotionally compromising position; as well as the pain of the betrayal against Elena.

[Guinevère]

Guinevère looked at him as he turned to look at her and spoke--or tried too speak. He seemed as unsure as her as to what to do or say. "I love you." She whispered, knowing that did not help anything! She had not even planned to say it! It just came out. She leaned forward and placed her lips over his, kissing him for a short but bitter sweet kiss.

Pulling back she looked up at him, her eyes held unleashed tears. "I love you." She said slower, embracing the words. "I don't know what your feeling right now but I can imagine. No one can know. Ever. If Elena ever discover it would devastate her! She can never know! Thomas has to be protect too."

Her hand touched his cheek with her finger tips, saying goodbye in a way. "We have to go back to how things were. We must!" This would be just a night. One that was a dream. One that would feed her dreams for the rest of her life. There could never be another one.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"I love you." Bittersweet words. He wanted to say them in return, but before he knew it she had leaned forward to kiss him. He closed his eyes, embracing the gesture, soaking it in . . . for even without her saying it, he knew that this was a goodbye kiss. A final kiss between them. And he was not sure he was ready for that. How could he say goodbye all over again? Especially when they had just . . . made love. She repeated those three words, and then went on to speak. Everything she said was true. No one could find out. Not Elena. Not Thomas. None of the knights. No one. If this came out . . . he feared what that would mean for Guinevère and her son. He feared how much it would hurt Elena, to know what her husband had done while she cried for their child. What kind of man had he become.

It seemed the more he followed his heart, the more he hurt people. He just slowly nodded his head, as if trying to come to terms with everything. Agreeing with all she was saying, but knowing that it would be difficult, now more than ever before. Previously, he had just not acknowledged her because he knew that was the way it had to be. But now . . . how did he not look at her. How did he pretend that there was nothing between them when . . . there was so much between them. He put his hand over hers that was rested on his cheek. "I know," he said in a low voice. Not wanting to cause any more hurt than he already had . . . though he felt the damage was irreversible. "No one will find out," he assured her, knowing that she must be worried for her son.

For what would happen should someone find out that . . . Guinevère had been the king's mistress. The words made him feel sick as they entered his mind, and he could not pay attention to them. He turned his head to the side, kissing the palm of her hand before moving it from his cheek. "I'm sorry," he repeated, unable to say that too many times. "It will be as if nothing has happened." It was a lie. A complete lie. For as horrible of a person he had become, he could not pretend that nothing happened. He could try, but every night his dreams would be filled with her, more frequently than before. And every time he saw her, he would have to fight to not just stare. He was only saying it . . . to somehow make the pain of this separation easier to bare. Though, it would never be.

[Guinevère]

He apologized again and she shook her head, her fist balling around where he'd kissed it as if to hold the kiss to it. "Don't!" She whispered, "I do not want your apologies. I kissed you Arthur, and been if you had kissed me first then . . . . I need you. So badly." She wished he'd not apologized, she wanted to think of this night as something it could never be.

"I need you to promise me something, and then to swear to me something." She whispered, moving her hand right back to his cheek, not willing to let him go fully in this moment. "The next time you see me standing alone, please do not offer me an escort to my rooms. I am feel as if I have been sleeping for years and with your kiss have awoken. I do not wish to embarrass us both by doing something to shame either of our families. Let someone else make the offer. I can walk away from anyone but you." She waited for his agreement before asking what she wanted him to swear to her.

[Arthur Pendragon]

She blamed herself. And Arthur hated that. He hated that she acted as if it was her initiation of the kiss that had started this all. When in actuality, if she had not kiss him . . . he would have kissed her. His heart ached even more when she told him that she needed him; because, he needed her to. He had claimed that he didn't need anyone, but it had been a lie. He'd come alive tonight. After so long, he felt alive and that there was something in this world for him to live for. Yet, all the words he wanted to say were put at a halt as he feared what the promise he needed to make to her was. Not to escort her. But he knew what that really meant. It meant not to offer his company to her when there was a potential chance that they would be alone together. He didn't want to promise that . . . because he wanted to be with her.

But also knew, that he had to promise that . . . because it was what needed to be done. Everything he wanted to say to her, he would save. He would ensure he said them before he left here tonight, but for the time being, he just wanted her to tell him all she had to. "I promise," he said. It killed him to promise such a thing, but in a way, he had made a promise to stay away from her when he committed himself to Elena. And this was how it ended up. He owed Guinevère so much, everything. That this was the least he could do for her. After how much he knew he'd hurt her. "What else?" He asked, wondering what she needed him to swear to her. He would do it. Without her even saying it he knew he would do it. Because that was what they wanted. No. That was what they needed.

[Guinevère]

Guinevère heard him promise had the tears fell over her cheeks knowing that this would truly be their last time together alone. Ever. Leaning forward she rested her forehead against his for a moment before moving back just enough to look at him so he knew she was not joking about this! She meant it in her heart!

"Tomorrow morning, Merlin is going to wake you up like he always does. He will be chipper and you will be you. . . . . I am not asking that you let him close but, just joke with him. Ask him if he had fun last night, or how that girl is he is trying to work up the courage to talk to. Just . . . . just give him a chance. Please! I need to know you have someone there for you. I -need- to know you will at least try to be happy."

[Arthur Pendragon]

He closed his eyes when he felt her forehead against his, not wanting to open them out of fear that he would have to watch her leave. That these would be their last moments together. But he did open his eyes when she went on to describe what she wanted him to swear. It was not at all something he'd been expecting. He had said he would give her anything she asked . . . but he knew that she asked this out of concern for him. And he was less inclined to do something that would benefit him, rather than something she wanted for herself. She was so selfless . . . and he was the exact opposite. What he did here tonight proved it. He just stayed silent, pensively quiet. Would this truly make her feel better? Would this bring her mind to ease? Arthur did not want to let anyone close. Because the pain of losing them was far too great. He had broken a huge barrier with her today. He could not let himself slip again.

He could make a joke with Merlin, but he feared one thing would lead to another . . . and before he knew it, they would be the friends they once were. Just like a simple thing as an escort led to him and Guinevère laying in bed together. Arthur leaned forward to kiss her, unsure how to swear something to her, not wanting to lie about it, but not wanting to betray his word should he decide this was something he could not do. "I told you earlier that I don't need anyone," he began to say, her own words of how much she needed him ringing in his head. "I was wrong." He paused to look at her, trying to gather the courage to speak aloud what was in his heart. Something he'd not done before tonight for years. "I need you. More than anything, more than anyone." This was only making things worse, but he could not leave here today without her at least knowing. But he was trying to say that he didn't need friends to make him happy. It was a right he relieved himself from since . . . he'd let Guinevère go.

"I can not be the man that I once was." This time he was not saying it to be harsh. He was telling her because it was the only possible way he could distance himself from her. "So do not worry for me," he added softly. He didn't want her to concern herself with the burdens he faced, who he faced them with, or anything else. If they were to go separate ways . . . then they needed to be as they once were. Independent of each other. Which was why he said all these words now, rather than just let them linger in his heart. "If I can not show it, nor say it, still know that I love you. That I have never stopped. And never will." That he was not happy in this life, but it was his life. And he would have to find a way to be . . . remotely content with Elena. He could not swear it to her. But he leaned forward for yet another kiss, just gently placing his lips on hers, before he titled his head upwards and tenderly kissed her forehead. For a long drawn out moment. For the last time ever.

[Guinevère]

He had not swore to her. she did not miss that he did not swear that too her but spoke of needing her and broke her heart with his kind words and the kiss that she would never forget. "Please Arthur, I will not be able to bear the thought of your unhappiness. Just promise to try."

Her arms came around him, and she held onto him for a few long moments, the pillow keeping them apart. He needed to go but she could not let him go. "Just tell me you will at least try. Once. For me." She was not going to let it go until he at least promised to try. Merlin would tell her tomorrow if he did or not, he often spoke of Arthur to her, knowing how much she would want to know and when to not speak of him at all.

[Arthur Pendragon]

He would truly do anything for her. He would lay down his life for her in an instant . . . and if this was what she asked of him. . . something that was meant to benefit him rather than her, then he would have to give it to her. For he owed her more than he could ever give. "I will try." That was all he could say about it. He could offer conversation, but that was all. He did miss having friends; being able to just spend time with them, joke and mock Merlin mercilessly. But those times were gone. Never to be found again. Just as his time with Guinevère was something to remain only in the past. He looked into her eyes, not allowing any sort of wall to be put up as he looked at her. For when he left this room, he would return to being who he was. To being what the kingdom expected of their leader.

He placed his hands on her arms for a moment, just putting them there before leaning forward to let their foreheads touch once more. "Guinevère," he began to say, trying to find the strength to say the next words and then furthermore, act on them. "I need to go." He didn't want to go. He never wanted to leave. But he needed to. They both knew he had to. He could not stay here . . . he had to get back while he could undetected. And this was it for them. They had this one night; a night that he would cherish for the rest of his life. And that would cause him pain whenever he thought of it. He gently lowered her arms and turned to reach over the bed for his pants. Knowing that if he did not start to get dressed now, then he never would.

[Guinevère]

She let him go, so he could begin getting dress, taking comfort in the knowledge that he said he would try. She hoped he did! She hoped it came out casual and reminded him of how things could be. She hoped that, even if he did not let Merlin, that he joked more. That he found small amusements and humor in things.

She sat there with her pillow hugged to her, watching him as he grew ready to leave her. Knowing that Elyan or Merlin could come back to make sure she was alright. Before tonight she had moved and smiled and spoken but there was nothing behind the emotions. She felt alive for the first time in years. She worried what tomorrow would bring. "I . . . " she paused for a moment, "I will find you should anything changes." She told him, hoping he would understand.

She knew all to well--they both did--that a child could come from tonight. It had been a risk, and it was one she both wanted and knew that it would expose them and she had to hope there was not one. Yet she would dream of one for the rest of her life.