Guilty Pleasures

[Guinevère]

This night was ending too quickly, even if it had been perfect. Guinevère watched Arthur take Thomas to bed, and his word filled her heart. Arthur was a man strong enough to love a son that was not his blood. To help make sure that Thomas never felt left out in love, or in the world. She had been grateful for every moment that Arthur gave Thomas, now it seemed she was growing.g to both expect it and still be amazed by it.

She waited while Arthur told Amaren stories, this one about his own experience with learning a humbling lesson. It also was one that she had not known the end too at the time. Learning it now surprised her. Though at the same time she was not. She k.we he would die for his people, but k.owing it and hearing he almost did were different.

When he came out, she smiled softly up at him while taking his arm for an escort to their own bed. "Sometimes I am still surprised at how much I do not know about you." She said softly, thinking of his story. "To have almost died. I could have lost you before I had you too lose." Her words were not spoken with sadness, but in reflection of their past. "Remind me to thank Merlin again later." She teased him, giving Merlin credit where Arthur had did the word.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur gave a small smile at her words, knowing that it was only when he had fallen in love with her, when they had that period of time together, that he'd spoken about things. Anything before, and after . . . well, even while married to Elena he never spoke what was in his heart that often. Such a thing was only selective to Guinevère. Because she was the only woman he had ever truly loved. "I don't know what I would have done had Merlin not encouraged me to seek out the unicorn keeper." Anhora. Arthur had disbelieved Merlin and his theories . . . but soon realized how true they were. He was still forming a friendship with the man and already within the first few months, they had both drank a poisoned chalice to save the other.

"Well, anything you would like to know Guinevère, ask," he said somewhat teasingly, and his next words encouraged the tease. "Though I do tend to only disclose things that make me look wise and chivalrious, rather than foolish and reckless," he said jokingly, placing his other hand on her arm. As they made their way to her chambers, he turned to face her, wrapping his arms around her and just taking a moment to look at her. To memorize every detail on her face. "Thank you Guinevère, for tonight." For arranging this little party for just the four of them . . . well, five of them. It was a memory that he would cherish for the rest of his life, limited days or not.

[Guinevère]

"It matters not the story you are telling, you will always be their hero, Arthur. They love you too much!" Arthur turned her to face him while she spoke, and Guinevère wrapped her arms around his neck. Arthur thanked her but she shook her head slowly. "I should thank you. This was . . . . this was the best night of my life." She told him, tears coming to her eyes but they did not fall. "We were a family! So happy tonight. I want that. I want that so very much to be our normal lives!"

The war was stopping them. "I fear I will lose you before it can happen. I want to be able to be a family every night. I love you, Arthur. When you leave, please make sure you return." Because she could not bare to loose him after getting this taste of perfection! A taste of family! This was who they were meant to be. "You, me, and our three sons. Your dogs, Thomas' puppy. Amaren will demand one when he is of age I am sure. I want that to be what fill every evening . . . .and your arms to fill the nights."

[Arthur Pendragon]

He listened to all that she said and felt the same way. No in regards to him being the hero or that she should be thanking him, but he was in agreement that tonight, was also the best night of his life. The first time where they could comfortably leave all the stress and uncertainties behind, and just enjoy the evening as a family. This was how it was all meant to be, Arthur knew that. He only wished it hadn't taken him so long to realize it. He held her a bit tigheter when she spoke of making sure that he returned, the fear of not was foremost on his mind. To have so much to lose, terrified him beyond words. "I have never had greater incentive to return, than I do now." He would fight with every ounce of him to come back to her and the children. "If I could go back in time, I would not have married Elena that day. Knowing that I have missed so much time with you . . . " Devestated him. Had he not married Elena, she would still be alive. They would not have had to endure the loss of two children. He would have spared Guinevère all the hurt he had caused her. And, he and Guinevère could have been happy. Yet he also knew that their time apart had given her a son, and so he felt relieved that she had the comfort in that.

"We have waited this long to be together. I will not let a single war ruin all that." He knew that sometimes there was no other choice, but he would fight, and he wouldn't stop until he was in her arms once more. He slowly pulled away from her, only to reach for the stack of letters that were wrapped in cloth. There were four different bundles, one for each of the children and one for Guinevère. He raised Guinevère's hand and placed the stack of letters in them. "There is much I have left unsaid, and know it will be too much to say before tomorrow." The letters would explain it all. "In the event that fate decides tonight be our last night . . . I have written these letters for you and the children. Some of which contain stories of their childhood that I was able to be a part of. Others about the past before they were brought into this world." He softly smiled, not wanting this action to be one that brought morbid thoughts, but also wanted her to have them if they would only be reunited in the after life. He would not be returning before the war was over, so if ever there was a time to safely give her these, now was it. "Know that I will not stop fighting for us," he added. "That the thought of being with you will what keeps me going every moment of every day we are apart." He brought his hand to her cheek, gently resting it there and continuing to keep a soft smile on his lips despite the circumstances. "I love you, and I pray you never forget that." Regardless of whatever he had done or said in the past.

First Letter To Guinevère:

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My Dearest Guinevère,

This letter to you is in the event that I should fall during this battle, for there is much I wish to say to you. It has never been a strong suit of mine to form words where my emotions lay, so I hope this letter will be adequate or at least reflect a semblance of how I feel. Firstly, know how much I love you and that my last thoughts would have most certainly been of you and the children. I truly wish we had more time, and in the time we did have, I wish I had spent it with you. There are many regrets I have in life, and all of them consist of the choices I made that kept you from my life. Never has anyone made me feel so loved and so alive than you have. You've given me the most precious gifts this world has to offer: your love, and two lives created from that love, as well as a son that I love as my own. I know that Lancelot was a good and honorable man, and that his son will carry on his memory, but know that no one could love you as much as I, despite my failed efforts in showing you just how much.

Things have not always been easy between us, especially this past year. There have been many things I have said and done that I am not proud of, and that I hope you can forgive me for. I want you to know that I understand why did what you chose to with Amaren. You made the difficult decision which I lacked the strength and selflessness to make and it only proves what I have always known: that your strength and wisdom far exceeds mine. You have no need to seek my forgiveness, but I pray that you one day forgive me for my actions against you and our children. I never should have doubted your love, faith or loyalty, and for that, I am truly sorry. You are able to protect our children in ways that I could not so thank you, for all that you have done and all that you have given me. Words can not express my gratitude nor just how much I love and admire you, yet right now, they are all I have.

I also wish you to know that I will understand if you can not claim Amaren as my son, especially with my downfall. Fear not the fate of the kingdom, but do what you feel is best for our son and family. I only ask that you tell him his father loved him and that he wishes he could be with him throughout the journey of his life. The same love I have for our unborn child, who I will always wonder if they are a girl, taking after your beauty, or if your fear of being fated to give only sons comes true. And Thomas. Despite anything I may have said or done against him, know that I love him as my son. That I die considering him my son, just as I draw my last breath, considering you my wife. How can I not love him when he is a part of you. He represents all that is good in you and Lancelot and I know he will grow to be a great man. Tell him that I am proud of him, because I have no doubts that I would be. I know that he will achieve his dream in being the greatest knight this realm has ever seen.

With this letter, comes several others to our children. I ask that you give it to them when they are of an age to read and understand it. Some entail stories of our past, or of the kingdom. Stories that, if having been given the chance, I would tell our children at night. If you choose not to name Amaren heir, then do not give him the letters, and know that I hold no resentment to that. I encourage you to do what you feel is safest and best for our family, just as I know you always do even if my irrational mind can not see reason at the time. I pray you find all the happiness in the world and do not let this one loss, darken the bright future I know that you and our children will have. Though undeserved, I pray that you one day can forgive me for all the wrong doings I have committed against you, and any hurt that I caused to you and Thomas especially. Thank you for these last couple years, for it has reminded me that there is good in the world. That happiness can be found in the company of those you love, and that in all the darkness, there is light.

I love you more than words can say. Take care of yourself and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Sincerely Yours,
Arthur Pendragon

First Letter To Thomas:[/size]

Dear Thomas,

If you are reading this letter, then it means I have fallen in battle. There is much that I wish I could have said to you, and a great deal of time I know I wasted not saying it. The time we have spent together is most precious to me. Being able to teach you what I could, be it riding a horse or training or how to hold a lance, has brought me unimaginable joy. I forever hold those memories most dear to my heart, even as I draw my last breath. I had the honor of calling you my godson, but what I have not expressed nearly enough, is that I love you as my own son. Lancelot was a great man, the bravest and most honorable man that I knew and never would I have been able to take his place. But I do consider you my son of heart, and had I been given more time, would have done a better job of showing how much I care about you.

I have many things to ask your forgiveness for, and pray that the day comes where you can think of me with fondness, and not let my poor decisions be a reflection of how I feel about you. Those months where I did not train you, where I did not spend time with you, are part of what I regret most. You had done nothing to deserve such cruel behavior from me and no matter how much I wish I could change the past, I can not. For that, for your kidnapping, for all the times you were in danger, for all the times you were hurt, or that I hurt your mother, I am deeply sorry. If I had the chance, I would spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you and everyone else that I have wronged, but if you are reading this, then fate has not been so kind.

You say that you wish to be the best knight, and I have no doubt that you will be. You carry the best of traits from both your parents, and combined together, you are already great in your young age. You will surpass all those before you, even myself for you have the dedication, commitment, heart, compassion and every other quality that will making you nothing less than great. Though I am certain that your mother will ensure this, I ask that you remain humble and modest. It was your mother that taught me humility, among many other things, and it is an extremely important trait to possess. I know you will train hard, but do not forgo the opportunities you have to spend time with your mother, siblings, and uncles. Family is more important than anything else, including skill as a knight and combat. The strength you receive from your family, is the foundation of which all your greatness will be built upon. That is the key to being a great knight. Not only skill in combat, or how well you can maneuver a sword.

I had asked you some time ago to protect your mother, and I know that you will always do so. Protect her, your siblings, your family. Your brother may be king but do not believe for a moment that it makes him a better or greater man than you. It only means that he will need you more than ever. You are already great Thomas, and I can see so much potential and strength in you at your young age. I would have been proud to properly call you my son, and know that I love you as my own. So achieve your dream in being the greatest knight this world has ever known, and know that I am extremely proud of you. That there is nothing you can do that will disappoint me and that I hold the pride and joy that a father holds for their child. Take care my son, and never forget that I love you.

With Immense Love
Your Father
Arthur Pendragon

First Letter To Amaren:[/size]

My Dear Amaren,

If you are reading this letter, then it means that I have perished in battle. Know that my last thoughts were of you, your mother and your siblings. I love you, and I wish I could be there to see the fine young man I know you have grown into and will continue to be. I am proud of you, and never once think otherwise. I am sorry for many things. For the abrupt way I left and for the burdens and pressures I left you with. Being a future king and heir of Camelot is no easy task. And I wish with every part of me that you did not have to be faced with such stresses. But despite my lacking presence, you are not alone. Never alone. Unburden your troubles to your mother. All the wisdom, kindness, and strength of heart you have are traits you gained from your mother, and were taught by her. Seek her guidance for I did so and never once has she given me anything but wisdom and justice in her words. There is no greater or stronger person I know than her.

You also have a brother and younger sibling that love you and will be there for you. Knowing Thomas even at a young age, I know he is fiercely protective of his family and the values instilled in him are that of a man of great honor and strength. Seek guidance and aid from your brother, as you will be stronger by gaining the council of those you trust rather than those you feel obligated to trust. Apart from your family of blood, you have a family of heart. I know that Sir Percival, Sir Leon, Sir Gwaine and of course your uncle, Sir Elyan, will be there for you. Not only to protect you, but as family who love you and will aid you in whatever you need. And Merlin. He may act the fool at times, but never have I known a truer friend. Embrace him as an uncle, for he is wise beyond what one may assume and strong beyond appearance.

You are not alone in what you are faced with my son. I beg you to remember that. For had I sought out the aid and council of these such people, I would have been a better and stronger king, as well as father. Remember, before you are a king, you are a son. You are a brother. You are a friend. You are a man. Rule not with solely your mind, but with your heart for that will be your greatest strength. And once again, I wish I had ruled more with my heart than with my mind. Do not make the same mistakes I did. You have a wonderful family. Trust in them. Do not feel afraid to express fears and uncertainties. Do not be hesitant to make known how you feel and what is in your heart. There is no weakness in this, but only strength. What I tell you in this letter and consequent ones are from a father to a son, not a king to his heir.

I wish more than anything that I could be there with you. Know that I am there in spirit, and that I am proud of you. Continue to be the strong man that I know you are. Take care of your mother and your family. I love you and pray that you never forget that.

With Immense Love,
Your Father
Arthur Pendragon

First Letter To Their Unborn Child:[/size]

My Dearest Child,

How I wish I could be there to see whether you have inherited your mother's beauty as a daughter, or whether you are as Amaren was when he was brought into this world as a son. Whether you are Anna or Ayden. I wanted nothing more than to be there when you were brought into this world, so that I could share those first moments of your life. Share them with your mother, and your brothers. I feel I need that more than my next breath. If you are reading this, it means that I have fallen in battle, but my thoughts and heart are with you. I may have never had the honor and privilege to meet you, but I love you beyond words are capable of expressing. From the moment your mother told me she was carrying you in her womb, I loved you.

And that love has only grown past the capability of measure. Feeling you move inside of her the first time made me experience an indescribable joy. I beg you not to let my absence be a poor reflection of how much I love you, or how much I wished I could be in your life. You have a family that loves you dearly, and I know that they will more than make up for my inability to be there. Take care of your mother, and your brothers. Whether you are my daughter, or son, I love you more than I had the chance to express. You are your mother's child and for that reason alone, I know you will be strong and kind. Compassionate and true to your heart. Know that I am proud of you, and that I know you will do great things in your life.

In the other letters I have attached to this one, are stories of my past, of Guinevère's, of Camelot's history,k and some moments of Amaren's childhood that I am sure you can tease him with should he ever give you a hard time. Each letter are words that I wish I could be there to say to you, whether it is a story, or just ones expressing how much I love you. Take care of your mother, your brothers and your uncles. Never forget that I love you and that I would be proud to call you my son or daughter, whichever fate has chosen for your mother's and my child.

With Immense Love,
Your Father
Arthur Pendragon

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[Guinevère]

They broke her. She looked down at the letters in her hands, and stared at them. Her hands shook slightly, knowing what this meant. He was ready to die if he had too, and he wanted to make sure that he said goodbye properly. She wanted to push them back at him, and demand he not say any goodbyes and come home to say things himself!

Instead she stayed strong for him, even as tears fell over her cheeks. Wrapping them into her arms and trying to hold in the sob. Looking back up at him, she knew that should he fall, he would take comfort in knowing she had these. She also knew that should he fall, she would cling to these with everything she had left. All her broken peaces.

"I will never forget. I will remind them every day. And you should never either! I love you, Arthur. I always have!" Them being their children. She turned to sit the letters safely on the table before turning back to Arthur's arms and burying her face into his chest. "Hold me tonight. Please. For as long as you can, just hold me tonight."

[Arthur Pendragon]

It broke his heart to see her cry, and only hoped that when -- if -- he returned, her tears would be for another reason. Tears of joy. Because they would finally be able to enjoy time together, rather than take what scarce moments they could. Hearing her say she loved him never lessened in its significance, nor how honored it made Arthur feel. To know that he had her love, was the greatest gift of all. Because from that, she had given him two -- three -- beautiful children. When she set the letters down, he wrapped his arms around her once more, holding her close, placing his hand on the back of her head as her face was buried into his chest. "I couldn't imagine doing anything but just that." Anything but holding her. Being with her. Spending the remainder of their time together. He lowered his head, kissing the top of hers and then just letting this moment linger for a little while.

Slowly, he pulled away but not far, as he lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed, gently laying her on top. He then kicked off his boots and joined her, laying down next to her. His hand went to her stomach where their other child grew. "How's this little one doing?" He asked, softly smiling at the thought of another child within her. Such a miracle would never cease being so beautiful and wonderful. Besides, he wanted to help bring her mind to ease, and focus on all that she had. Not what could be lost.

[Guinevère]

Arthur hugged her too him, and she wished it was rigged, even though he held her to him stronger then before. She wanted his arms so tight that he could not let go. He lifted her, breaking the embrace but she didn't mind because he was taking her with him. Putting her to bed, he removed only his boots and joined her. Guinevère wished she could fall asleep with him holding her, but the idea of missing a moment with him or worse waking up and finding him gone......

His words gave her something to distract her mind. Their newest son. Maybe a son. With two sons already she wished for a girl, but would be in love with a boy too. "Tormented thanks to his mother's emotions." Se teased, "But awake and kicking." She moved his hand where he could feel. "They want more room. Very active this one. He will be a handful."

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur's smile widened when she moved his hand over to where their baby moved. It was such a beautiful thing, to be able to feel their child. He could only imagine what it felt like for Guinevère to carry it for all those months. It was no wonder that the bond between a mother and child was unlike any other. Both he and Guinevère had lost their mothers young, and he would not let their children suffer the same. "Perhaps it is a girl then," he said teasingly, in regards to Guinevère's comment about it being a handful. "For she would already have her mother's strong spirit," he continued to joke. Though his words were not entirely false.

The only difference was that he was teasing her now with them, but in truth, her spirit was what drew him -- and nearly everyone else -- to her. A genuineness and purity about her.He moved his hand over her stomach before leaning forward to rest his lips on it in a lingering kiss. "A daughter. To reflect her mother's beauty." Whether it be a girl or a boy, he knew they would love them all the same. With this possibly being their last child, part of him wanted it to be a daughter to emulate her mother. Yet if it was a son . . . either would be perfect.

[Guinevère]

Guinevère smiled softly at his words. "She might look like you, you know." She teased him, touching his cheek bones, and nose. While she assumed this child coloring would be more like Amaren's and even Thomas' she also knew that this child could very easy look like their father in many other ways. "Amaren looks like you." To her eyes, and if any looked closely.

He would have his father's height, for he was already a long child. He had Arthur's almost natural look of arrogance. The jawline. Her fingers traced it now. Her hair, but Arthur's courage. "My greatest wish for you, is that fate is kind and you can be with us when this child enters the world." She owed him that for her silence before. She wanted to find a way to make this happen for him. "To hold her first. To hear her first." Or him. "For you hands, and your comforting strength to be what she first feels."

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur continued to smile when she spoke of how their possible daughter might look like him. "I hope not," he told her honestly. He briefly closed his eyes as she touched him, realizing just how much he was going to miss her soft touch. Slowly opening them again, he met her gaze. "I want her to have your eyes. Your skin. Your hair. Every part of you, so that she can emulate the most beautiful woman in all this world." Knowing that the child held parts of Guinevère, already made him or her beautiful. Just like Thomas and Amaren were. She spoke of how Amaren looked like him and knew that could be both good and bad. The more selfish part of him loved that he did. But the more rational part of him knew that it could cause problems for Guinevère should the worst happen and his bloodline remained unrevealed. "That is my wish too," he said in a soft voice, thinking of how amazing of a feeling that would be. One he had never had. For the last time he had held a newborn baby, it had no life in its body.

It was born into this world, lifeless. Though nothing would replace the lost children, he wanted to have a far more joyful memory in such a moment, rather than a dark one. "Though I want her mother to be the first. And her father a close second," he added. For it should always be a mother than held their child first. Arthur liked that they were talking of their baby as if it was a girl. Such a strong curiosity as to which sex it would be. And as she said, he too hoped to be there when it was revealed. "Tell me Guinevère, what is it like holding ones child in the first moments of their life?" If fate decided not to be kind, if he never had that moment, he wanted to hear what it was like. He wanted her to explain it to him, so that he could have an idea -- though he knew words could not do it justice. But he wanted to imagine it while holding a baby that lived, that cried in that moment, that had a small window of vision. And if there was anyone he could experience it vicariously through, it was Guinevère.

[Guinevère]

His words broke her heart and made her wish she could have been here to help him through the loss he had been dealt, but she also knew that it had not been her place to give him that comfort at the time. When he had found out his wife would give him a child, he had done the honorable thing and broke off things with her. It had hurt, but she had known this was how things had to be. It was why--one of the reasons why, she had not told him of their own child until she was ready to return to Camelot. "No," She said softly, "You should be the first. I want that. Besides, I will need a a few moments to recover." She felt she owed him that, after costing him so much time with Amaren. She would not back down from this.

He asked her what it was like, and she felt many things. Heart broken for him, regret, guilt, and joy. So much joy at the reminder of holding her sons for the first time. "For Thomas I was frighten. Knowing this little baby would need everything from me, but in that fear there is also love. In a way I cannot explain. The world stops. You forget to breathe. Months of anticipation is put into this overwhelming moment, and words cannot describe what happens in just one of the many moments you can call the first."

For Amaren it had been different, and she did not wish to hurt him by talking about it, but nor would she ever hold anything back from him. It was his son. "For Amaren it was the same, but different. With Thomas I was afraid because was wasn't sure what to do. But this time I knew, I had experience. The fear from other things." How she would tell Arthur, how she would hide him, how she could lose him. His life. "The love was strong, but . . . . " But she missed Arthur in that moment. She had told him once, about Amaren's eyes. "The moment was indescribable in love, but it was also incomplete because I had never missed you more then in that moment. And while I might have seen firm in my words when you found me that day, in those moments I had so very many doubts."

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[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur listened intently to her explain the first moments of holding Thomas, and then Amaren. It did not cause any angry, hurt or bitter feelings, hearing what it was like to hold Amaren when he first entered the world. As his letters indicated, he had forgive her for that. Life was too short and their time too limited for him to hold such a grudge. Besides, he understood why she did it,this there was nothing to really technically forgive at this point when it came to that situation. He tried to imagine what that feeling was like. The way she described it, the forgetting to breath . . . he could at least relate to that because it was precisely how he felt when he held Amaren for the first time. He may not have had those months of anticipation, but he knew what it felt like, during Elena's pregnancies. "You were not alone when Thomas was brought into this world." Because Lancelot had been there. But because of . . . well, it was really Arthur's fault.

He was married, and he had placed Guinevère in that fearful situation of being by herself and eventually having to tell him. Not wanting to dampen the mood by discussing that, knowing she would not let him take on the guilt -- though he already did, he focused on the future. "And I know you won't be alone for when our son and daughter will be brought into the world." This time, she would have family and friends nearby, even if he was not. He smiled, wanting to reassure her that everything would be well this time, and that there was nothing to fear. His mind changed when she spoke of how she had so many doubts, how she had never missed him more . . . it changed because while he did not want to discuss such things, he did not want her to feel troubled over what had happened. He repositioned himself so that his head lay next to hers, but his hand remained on her stomach.

"You made a decision that I forced you to make." Had he not been married, had he not walked away from her when Elena was expecting . . . things would have been different. "I don't blame you for that Guinevère. I may have been angry, but I was never the more rational one between the two of us," he said teasingly, though with truth. She was the rational one. She was the logical one. He had been angry in the heat of the moment, but as the weeks, months, passed . . . he could understand her concerns. And now with the possibility of his death, he could understand them even more. "Just, promise me that you will surround yourself with your family when the time comes for our child to enter this world. I can not bare the thought of you having to endure this by yourself." If he could be here, he would be. If not -- if he was detained at war or worse -- then there would still be her family of heart here, and then of course Elyan.

[Guinevère]

She had not been alone for Thomas' birth, but then shortly after she had been alone in the raising of him. Until now. Now she had Arthur. Her son's lives were like mirrors. Each showing what the other had missed. Father there for the birth, but absent in life, and father denied the honor but there in life. "You made a decision that I forced you to make." "You forced nothing!" She whispered the words, but they were still spoken strongly, and passionately. He had not forced her hand! She had done it on her own, and had forced him to accept it.

"I don't blame you for that Guinevère." He should. She did. "Just, promise me--" His promise hurt, because she wanted only him. "I do not know what the future will hold Arthur. I told you my plans to go to Eldor de Bors. Not many here know I am with child. I could not ask any to follow me. Rosa will be there, and I will light every candle in prayer that you will be there too. But if you are not, know that there is a difference this time. With Amaren I did not think I would ever be in your arms again. I felt alone. This time I know you will come to me when you can. Because of that, I will never feel alone. Because I have you, and I have your heart."

[Arthur Pendragon]

She may reject his words, but he knew them to be true. He had forced her to make a decision. He was responsible for all that had happened to her and Elena both. He would never exempt himself from that blame, and wished Guinevère would not either. Yet, also knew that her compassionate and forgiving nature were just some of the reasons he loved her so dearly. And he didn't want to try and change her . . . not that he believed he could. He would not want her any other way. She was perfect. Her following words to his promise brought the sting of tears into his eyes, though he kept a soft smile on his face. They were brought on by both the sentiment and honor that her words filled him with, but also the heartache that arose in the possibility of never seeing her again and breaking his promise of becoming a proper family. "I will always be with you, Guinevère," he assured her, following her words. "Be it in body, or spirit." He prayed in body, for he did not wish for his spirit to yet leave this world.

"You do," he said in full agreement when she spoke of having his heart. "None other carries it but you. And the children." They were his world right now, all that he wanted. "But, Elyan and the others will remain here. For you." He just wanted her to know that. In all the ways he had hurt her, he did not want her brother to fall in a war that was Arthur's doing. There were enough men dying because of him, and he did not wish to deprive Guinevère of her brother. The letters explained most all everything he wanted to tell her. Begging for her forgiveness, understanding if she could not name Amaren heir . . . everything. So in this moment, he only wanted to lay next to her, and reassure her; bring her mind ease and comfort wherever he could. "I love you," he told her, knowing he hadn't said that enough. Or shown her that enough. He put his other hand on her cheek, gently caressing it. He wasn't sure which farewell was harder. Perhaps this one, because he was leaving her and their children . . . not that leaving her had been any easier.

[Guinevère]

"But, Elyan and the others will remain here. For you." No! He had done so before but she was about to demand other wise again. Arthur could be stubborn, but she needed this. He went on to tell her that he loved her, and she smiled, knowing their night was growing to a close. Soon, he would leave and begin to ready for the trip back to the battle front.

"I love you Arthur. I love you more then I will ever be able to express--but I need you to do something for me. I worry for you. Please. Take them with you. Leave my brother if you wish, but the others. Let them return with you. Let them help make sure you--you all--return home. They are your best, and I worry enough as it is. It is not good for the baby for me to worry as much as I do, and it would ease some of that if you take some of the men that are your best with you. Please Arthur. I am safe. I need to know you are too."

[Arthur Pendragon]

He continued to smile, not wanting her to worry for him at all, yet knew that that was what happened when you loved someone and they were not near. You worried. This war was because of him. Odin wasn't just a political enemy, it was personal. He had sent an assassin after him and killed his father. He had sent a third assassin and killed Elena. He could not lose anyone else he cared about because of Odin. "I want them here with you. Should the threat spread, I need to make sure you and the children are protected. That Camelot is protected. There are none I trust more than those men to do that." He was not changing his mind on this. He would feel far better keeping them here to protect the kingdom, rather than fight his war. If he thought it would do any good, he would just offer his life to bring an end to all this.

But he knew that the battle did not stop there. For there were still many enemies of Camelot, and not all of them would be satisfied with only Arthur's death. "I fight with not only Camelot's army, but Gawant's as well. We are strong, and I need to ensure that there is some of the strength here in the city." There were no men more capable of that, then those he called close brothers. "Do not let it cause further strain on your mind. For it will give me great peace and comfort to know your protection lies in the strongest and most courgaeous knights." He paused, letting his hand move over her belly. "And that the children will be protected too." Perhaps if she would not take the protection for herself, then for the children's sake. War was unpredictable and he feared the chance that it could cross Camelot's city gates. Or even to her estate.

[Guinevère]

His words were the truth but she also knew that nothing would keep the fear for him from her mind. She wanted Arthur to come, and she feared that no matter how many armies he lead, that Odin's wrath was too strong. When this was over, she just wanted it to be over. To make the man's hate go away. This to be the end.

She hugged him tighter to her. Holding him hoping that she never had to let him go, but knowing that he would ride off to war in a few hours. Lifting her lips she kissed him, and knew that things would be hard for the next few months, or even years should this war go on. "I love you." She whispered, and held him until he had to go.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur didn't sleep, but he rested. He felt at ease, dreading the time when the sun rose and he would have to leave her arms. Eventually, the time did come. He got out of bed, saying farewell to both Thomas and Amaren, but making sure not to wake them. The goodbye would be all the more difficult if they were awake, and he did not wish to disturb their slumber. It was hard enough saying goodbye to Guinevère which nearly broke his heart. Hugging and kissing her goodbye was something that he knew would be so very difficult. But he did. After prolonging it as much as he could, he left her quarters, and went to his own to ready for the journey back to battle.

He met with council for a final time, and the knights, before meeting the army of men he would be taking back to join the others. After all farwells were said, they departed from the courtyard and returned to the battle field.They were fortunate as to not encounter any danger along the way. No ambushes, no enemy spies. Their trip had remained uneventful. And quiet for the most part. Most of the men were thinking of their loved ones, their families, knowing what waited them at home. And Arthur was not exception. His thoughts were of Guinevère, of the children, of what would happen to Camelot if he fell. When they set up camp the mood was a bit more uplifting as they laughed and joked. Eventually, they reached the rest of army, both Camelot's and Gawant's. Arthur spoke to Gawant's general, going over the details and strategy for the next battle which was not too far away.

[Guinevère]

He left. She knew he had too, and she knew she had to let it. But an hour later she was still sitting on the bed, and trying to hold back her tears. She got dressed in something warm, and when it was time for him to ride out, she stood on the battlements and watched him leave. "Please. Be safe and return to me." She whispered into the air, praying he would some how hear and obey.

The next days where hard, but thanks to her son's and her brother she found they were not as dark and cold. The nights came, and she still missed him, and worried for him but in the days she could watch Arthur. He would be there in the way Thomas rode his new horse, or Amaren charged head long into trouble. He was everywhere, and she took comfort from every little thing.

As the days turned to weeks, she began preparing to go to the home Arthur had given Thomas, the one where they first made blissful memories, and later some of the most painful ones she knew. She hoped, that they could return to the bliss one day.

The letters Arthur had left in her care, had broken her heart on so very many levels. She felt proud to be love by such a strong man, and humbled but the love at the same time. It was Thomas' letter that she had cried the hardest too. Holding it close to her, knowing that he loved Thomas as his own, and that it was an honest love. Amaren's letters she would give to him! She would give them to him no matter what the future held, because he earned the right to know his father.

Her own letters, she held to her tightly. He had not fallen, but the fear she felt that they might be the last words she received from him made the fear all the more. She had them put in a special place, hidden from the casual maid who might come in to clean, as she did not like to over use Rosa.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Upon arriving at one of the battle camps, Gawant's general was there to inform Arthur of the king's poor health. Godwyn had fallen ill and was confined to his bed for the next several days, of not weeks. Concern filled Arthur, for despite his treatment of Elena, Arthur still cared for both members of Gawant's royal family. He wished he could pay him a visit, but knew he could not abandon the army. It was up to the general and himself to lead the men to victory, with minimal casualties. Yet causalities were always inevitable in war. Everyone knew that, and yet everyone was willing to die the most honorable death life could offer them. After speaking at length about a strong strategy for the next war, Gawant's general went to the other camp. They could not take any risks. Morgana had her own army, and Odin his. They had to make sure they were ready for a two front battle if it came to that.

The next battle came quickly. It was vicious and bloody, as was most all battles. So many lives lost, so many injured . . . but in the end, Camelot was victorious. Though not by much. Everyone felt the loss of their brothers more than the victory of battle. Arthur just stared and watched as Odin's soldiers collected their dead from the battlefield, his own men and Gawant's doing the same. War was unavoidable but what made him feel all the more guilty and pained by all this . . . was knowing that this war was his fault. That each man who died, died because of an act he had done so many years ago. It had nothing to do with wanting Camelot, and everything to do with wanting Arthur Pendragon dead. No wonder Morgana and Odin allied themselves: they both shared that common goal. Speaking of which, he had not seen nor heard of Morgana's presence at either battlefield. Which was . . . odd. Considering her power she could aid the enemy. Not that he was complaining. But the thought of not knowing where she was or what she was planning, made him uneasy and worry for what plot she would execute next.