I Can't Live With or Without You

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur had dressed out of his chainmail and was sitting on the edge of his bed with his feet on the chest below. His head was in his hands, propped up by his elbows. What had happened. How had everything just crumbled around them. On the eve of a day that was supposed to be so special . . . everything collapsed. He'd found her in the arms of another; the arms of a man he knew she once loved. On the eve of their wedding day. The year Lancelot had spent as a knight, Arthur had not doubts or insecurities. When he had returned from the dead, Arthur had no doubts or insecurities. He had enough faith in his relationship with Guinevère to trust her completely. And know that everything she had said to him was genuine. That, had been his mistake. He should have had doubts. He should have had insecurities. Because all this time, she had wanted him. And he'd been a fool to think otherwise. Had he forced her to be with him? Had she just . . . settled for him? The thought made him cringe, but he should have realized it that day int he woods. That she had chosen him -- granted it was before his and Guinevère's relationship grew.

But he should have known that she would rather be with another. And he should have gone after Lancelot to bring him back to her. He should have not been so selfish. And everyone could have been avoided the pain of tonight. He still had to decide what to do with the man. He'd banished Guinevère and he wondered if he should just banish Lancelot too. Let the two of them be happy together; away from Camelot, far away from Arthur's sight. In this moment, he didn't want to see either of them ever again. And hoped that he didn't. He had almost killed Lancelot and Guinevère had broken his heart. Perhaps he should just release him and let them be together. It was after all, what they both had always wanted. The bitter thoughts raced through Arthur's mind, unable to contain them. Tomorrow, he would have to cancel all the arrangements that he had so foolishly made for their wedding. He would have to empty the great hall of the flowers and decorations. He would have to remove the queen's throne for it would never be suited for another.

He would have to tell everyone that the wedding was canceled because his fiance had betrayed him. He didn't want her to gain a bad reputation among the people. But . . . what else could he do? The council already knew, his uncle already knew, and it would not take long for such news to spread. It was best that she was gone. That he didn't have to look at her every day. He stood by his words. It was too painful to see her, to be constantly reminded of all that he had thought existed between them, when in the end, it meant nothing. A knock on the door distracted him from his thoughts. He didn't want to see anyone. Would it be Agravaine to tell him to make a decision about Lancelot? Would it be Merlin offering words to defend Guinevère? Arthur was not in the mood for either. But, it could be an emergency. Without raising his head and looking, he just spoke. "Enter." His voice was far from welcoming, and sounded agitated more than anything else. Tonight, he had believed that it was the last night he would ever have to go to bed alone. Now, he knew it would be the one of many.

_{Setting: Arthur's chambers
Time of Day: Late night
Timeline: After Lancelot Du Lac
What If: Guinevère was pregnant after Arthur banished her
Tag: Guinevère}

[Guinevère]

Guinevère walked down the hall, as slowly as she could. It wasn't her putting this off, but it was her afraid. She was about to trap him into something he wasn't ready for. He hated her enough to banish her 'on pain of death' from the kingdom. She'd earned his hate. Now she was about to change everything, and he would hate her all the more for it. He would be right too.

While walking to his chambers, she'd come to make up her mind that while she would be forcing him to see her, she would not force him into a marriage he with a woman he hated nor trusted. Arthur was a good man--the best she'd ever known. They could have been happy together, but she'd ruined that. Permanently. So she would make sure he could find happiness to whomever he could. She would take whatever labels the people put on her, for it wasn't anything they were already whispering about with her actions.

When she reached his door, Guinevère put on hand against it and closed her eyes, tears falling down her cheeks. But she had to tell him. It was the right thing to do--and Elyan was waiting below to make sure she did. She used her hand to knock but it came out weak and uncertain. Not promising for this conversation. "Enter." He was in his chambers. A part of her had been hoping he was not.

She pushed on the door until it cracked just a little and then paused to build courage before pushing it open to walk in, and force her gaze to his. "I--" Was running out of courage. "I hav-ave something to say before I leave." And leave depended on where he sent her after this.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur heard the door open and footsteps enter his room, but he still did not look up. Whoever it was would say their business and then hopefully leave. For he was not in the mood to deal with anyone's company right now. "I--" From that one word, that one letter . . . Arthur instantly knew who it was. It was all the more reason to keep his head where it was. Away from her gaze. What was she doing here? He had walked away from her in the throne room and truly never expected to see her again. He had banished her. Told her to leave Camelot; leave her friends and family. Because he didn't want to see her. Because he didn't want to see her dead. Having her leave was painful enough, but having her executed . . . that was just not an option he was willing to explore. The people could call him whatever they may; he didn't care. The humiliation that both of them would face was unimaginable. He just, didn't want to deal with her right now. He had said as much of a goodbye as he could ever and that was the end of it.

"I hav-ave something to say before I leave." But she kept talking. Which further convinced him that it was not a vision. He was not hallucinating her here and now. She was real. What gave her the courage to be in his presence was beyond his comprehension. What more could she have to say? He didn't want to hear her justify her actions . . . not that she had before. She's only told him that he meant everything to her and that she was drawn to Lancelot. He didn't want to talk to her. She needed to go. Right now. Unable to look at her, and not trusting himself to be near her, he raised his head from his hands, but looked directly in front of him. He could not gaze upon her. Not now. Not ever. "Don't say anything." His words were colder than he had ever spoken to her before. In all the years he loved her . . . this was the most detached he had ever been. "Just leave." And with those words, hoped that she took to his demand and left him in the broken pieces she had caused him to crumble to.

[Guinevère]

"Don't say anything." His words were cold, but she expected them to be. "Just leave." She'd betrayed him and hurt him. Done something far worse then anyone before her had done for she'd broken his heart. Not the gentle breaks that had come before but in a crushing sort of way for he'd loved her and trusted her. "I-I cannot." She whispered, taking a few steps forward before taking one step back.

It was harder to say then she ever thought possible. This time should be filled with joy, not a soul deep frightening fear. Yet she was afraid. She'd hurt him so much and she didn't know how he'd react to things. How she pushed him to do things that he might not normally do. "I could not leave without telling you---" That she was carrying his child. "--With out telling that---" His child! "--I'm . . . . " Yet the words would not come. Pausing for a moment she looked down, fresh tears filling her eyes as she tried to force the so simple but so powerful words from her lips.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"I-I cannot." She what? She couldn't? What did that mean? Arthur had passed sentence. She was to leave Camelot to return on pain of death. Never before had he ever asserted his authority on her. This was the first -- and probably last -- time he would ever do so. He was not going to change his mind. Is that why she came back? To tell him that she refused to leave? He knew she was a stubborn woman, and it had once been a trait he loved about her. He still loved her. Just because her love for him was a falsity, didn't mean that his love for her was. That was what hurt so much. That all the years they waited . . . meant nothing in the end. For all it took was a day or two for her previous love to return, and that was it. In a heartbeat she had chosen him over Arthur. Arthur would have even preferred she come to him and explain that she was having doubts. But she had chosen to sneak in the middle of the night, in Arthur's own HOME, and kiss him. Embrace him. The thought sickened Arthur and made his heart hurt with pain that he never thought she was capable of causing him.

Yet . . . for whatever reason, she was still not leaving. Why? His gaze remained away from her. Though even without seeing her, he knew she was crying. Usually, her tears caused such pain in him, for he hated to see her upset. This time, he detached himself from this sympathy. She and Lancelot had done this. There was nothing more to say. Is that why she had come? To beg for Lancelot's life? To tell him that she didn't want to leave without him? She continued to stutter. Without telling him what? That she was sorry again? That she wanted to be with him? That . . . he didn't care. He didn't want to hear it. Any of it. "Say it then," he said in that consistently detached voice. "And be gone." As if telling her to leave was so easy. It was not. But she had pushed him to this. What else did she expect him to say? How else did she expect him to react?

[Guinevère]

"Say it then," He demanded, "And be gone." Be gone. The words made her bite her lips and look toward the door. She felt cowardly and only wanted to run away. She should have begged Elyan to tell him. She should have! Because to was breaking her stand here and say these words to him, knowing it would trap him into something he would only hate her for.

Which only reenforced the fact that she could not make him have relations with her. She could not let him trap himself with his honor in a marriage that would kill him. She'd done this, and she would bare the results from it. Spare him a life of pain. Of seeing her everyday and knowing that she'd trapped him. "I--" JUST SAY IT! She yelled at her self, "I am carrying." There, she sort of told him. "Your child." Would he believe her? Would he think it was his? Would he hate her more? So many things depended on his next actions, his next words.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"I am carrying." What was she carrying? Guilt? Love for another man? He didn't need to hear any of this! Is this why she had come all this way? To just remind him of . . . everything? He wanted her to leave. He wished he had the courage to tell her to just get out and leave him be. Her next words however caused every single part of him to numb in shock. "Your child." His child. This time, he slowly turned his head to her, making eye contact only for a second before his gaze fell to her stomach; her womb. Where their child was growing. He hated how the first question that entered his mind was Are you sure its mine. He didn't even want to ask if she had been having relations with Lancelot. Had they done anything in the year that he was here? Had they 'made up for lost time' when he was back? Arthur had told her that he wished to wait until their wedding night. She had not spent most nights in his chambers. What if she spent those nights with Lancelot? He knew he was not being paranoid but . . . . . that was when another thought occurred to him.

She had been kissing another man while carrying his child.

The realization made another wave of sickness fill his body and enrage him. On what should have been joyous news, he found only bitterness and complication. He had wanted children with her, more than anything. But that was before she had thrown it all away for a night in another man's arms. What should he do? What should he do with this piece of information? How should he react? He couldn't . . . could he really banish her with is child? It was his child wasn't it? The heir of Camelot. He couldn't send his son or daughter away. He . . . he didn't know what to do. He moved off his bed and turned to face her, but did not approach her. He did not trust himself to stand so close to her for the last time he had, he'd shaken her and yelled in her face. Not his proudest moment, and he did not want to re-enact it. "You are sure that it is mine?" He asked. The question just came out in relation to his thoughts. He needed to be sure. He didn't trust her. Not in the slightest. Was this just a desperate attempt to make him forgive her? He hated thinking of it in such terms but . . . what other choice did he have? The wounds she had caused were too fresh to be close to any hope to healing.

[Guinevère]

Arthur stood and she waited for his reaction, knowing that it would tilt the coarse of the lives forever. "You are sure that it is mine?" Closing her eyes slowly she looked down, as tears fell rapidly down her cheeks. He though her a whore. She'd earned that title, she guessed, but knowing it felt breathtakingly painful. Had he'd done physical harm to her, it would have hurt less. Much less.

Looking back up at him, she took a breath and spoke in a broken whisper, but forcing her voice loud enough he could hear without having to come close. "I began to suspect a few days after you asked me to marry you. I was going to wait to tell you . . . . " On their wedding night. To make it complete. ". . . to tell you tonight." Which would have been their wedding night.

By her guess, she was just about two months along. Missing one female time was rare but two was not. She knew that it was a sign that their actions bore fruit. It would also mean that she was pregnant before Lancelot came back. Months before. It could not be his--not that she doubted. For she knew she did nothing more then give him a kiss.

And ruin her life.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"I began to suspect a few days after you asked me to marry you. I was going to wait to tell you . . . . . . . to tell you tonight." Tonight. She was going to tell them on their wedding night. Granted, that would have been the most wonderful gift she could have ever given him. It would have made their night one of further perfection than it was already meant to be. But she had ruined that. And now, now she came to him and told him. He could not find gratitude in this. Because, all that raced in his mind was how another man's arms had been around her . . . had been so near their child. How she kissed another man, and probably wished that the baby was Lancelot's and not Arthur's. That was what she had wished for, wasn't it? For another man? All this time. Was it Lancelot's name that entered her mind when it was Arthur making love to her?

"You . . . chose another man while carrying my child?!" He knew his voice was slightly raising and that rage in him resurfacing as he felt a slight tremble in his hands. He took a deep breath and turned, walking toward his desk and putting his hands on it, bracing himself with his arms as his head hung between his shoulders. He was trying to calm himself, trying to distance himself so that he would not shake her again. He did not wish to lay a hand on her . . . or his baby. He wished she could have gotten what she wanted -- Lancelot -- but now . . . Arthur couldn't let her go. She had in her womb, his child. "I am sorry that this is not what you wanted." His words were not spoken with a soft tone, but there was still harsh sincerity in them. But he was sorry. Sorry that he had gotten her pregnant. Sorry that she now had to deal with him being the father rather than Lancelot. He was just . . . sorry for ever forcing her into a relationship with him. When her actions showed clear evidence that it was not what she had wanted.

[Guinevère]

"You . . . chose another man while carrying my child?!" She shoulders shook as she felt the weight of his words and she knew she was crying more. That was about all she'd done for the last day. She had though she was choosing Lancelot--she had not even thought! She had been overwhelmed! Her mind wasn't her own. Not her real one! The one which followed her heart. It was like she was another person in those moments.

"I am sorry that this is not what you wanted." No! This had been everything she wanted! Since the moment he kissed her in her father's home that first time this was where she had wanted to go but thought she could not! She had just felt overwhelmed! Lost! She was happy and she had not even know WHAT drew her to that room that night!! Yet she could not speak up for a long moment, too held back by her tears and emotions.

"This is what I want. I wanted to be your wife, and I know my actions have betrayed that but my words are true." She told him, knowing that they'd said everything they could say below but she could never NOT defend her love for him. Ever. "I could not leave with out your knowing about the baby."

[Arthur Pendragon]

She spoke of how this was what she wanted. Of how she wished to be his wife . . . and that her actions had betrayed that. They had. For if she truly meant those words then she would not have been discovered in the arms of another. He knew now that this was not what she had wanted. For it was not just her actions that betrayed her words; she had betrayed him. And he didn't want to hear more of her lies. He didn't want to hear her tell him that she loved him, that she wanted to marry him . . . he just, didn't want to hear it. "Enough," he said in a low voice in between her words. It was not loud enough to be heard, but had come out more in a hoarse whisper and with the distance between them, he was the only one who could hear it. "Enough!" He said, this time louder. His word came immediately after her last, as he simultaneously slammed his hand on the table to further stop her talking. He turned around to look at her, knowing he needed to control his anger, but her telling him of all these things was making it worse.

Taking a few calming breathes, though he was still raging, he managed to get his next words out in a level tone. "Actions speak louder than words Guinevère." And her actions showed that everything she had claimed she wanted, every feeling she claimed to have for him . . . were false. "I could not leave with out your knowing about the baby." He was not going to thank her for that. And he hated how the thought of her possibly lying about having a baby kept haunting his mind. Was this her hope to prolong her stay here in Camelot? Buy her some time? Wait for Lancelot to join her? For it would take only a matter of weeks before Arthur noticed that her belly did not grow. His trust for her was so tarnished that he wasn't sure what to believe. "You cannot leave now," he decided. It was not in a commanding way, ordering her to stay and making her feel trapped. But, surely she knew as well that he would not let her leave with his child. That he wanted to be a father . . . just as much as he had wanted to be her husband.

[Guinevère]

"Enough!" He yelled, slaming his hand down on the table and Guinevère jumped slightly, biting her lips She was afraid to say anything more, even when he told her that her actions spoke louder then words. Did her actions of the past few years mean so little now? Could one moment really distory all that? Was this the harm that had been done to them from her weakness?

"You cannot leave now," No, she could not. She carried his child. Their weakness proven in her belly. She prayed that the child carried something of Arthur for proof, only so that he would not spend his fatherhood wondering if the child he loved was really his. Shivering at hte thought, Guinevère wrapped her arms protectivly around her belly and looked down. Tears still coating her cheeks as the emotions would not stay bottled up. Not like the last time he'd left her. Only last time she's not earned it.

Guienvere said nothing, nor looked at time. He was angry and she did not want to push him more toward anger. She feared that she would when she told him she would stay but not trap him into a marriage he hated.

[Arthur Pendragon]

She remained silent, which was probably for the best. Usually when she was silent, Arthur knew he had done or said something to upset her. He would try to make it better so that she could return to the talkative woman that he had loved so dearly. Now, he wanted nothing more than her silence. Because it was better than hearing her lies. Which he felt, was all she was capable of spilling. With every word spoken in favor of their relationship. He would have preferred it if she just flat out tell him that she loved Lancelot more than him. That would have made it easier. Then they could both stop pretending. They could both stop lying to themselves. He looked at her stomach, trying to imagine a product of their love growing in there . . . only it was a product of a false love.

Because when the opportunity came to solidify their future, to give this child a proper family, and a proper upbringing, she had been with another. Didn't she think of the child at all?! Fine, if she didn't love him enough to stay faithful to him, then didn't she think of the repercussions for their child's sake?! Arthur always believed Guinevère would make a good mother. Surely . . . she would not have given up such happiness for their child for the sake of one night in another man's arms. But then again, there was a lot that he thought different about her. And tonight, the truth came out . . . in the worst way possible. "How far along are you?" He asked in a stern voice. He needed to know so that he could plan this. He knew what needed to be done, what was best for the baby. But he had to see how much time they had.

[Guinevère]

She wanted for him to ask something else, or demand something. Guinevère didn't like the silence and her first instinct was to fill it with something. She wanted to speak and talk and try to make things better but with her actions tonight she didn't know how to even begin. She only knew that she'd destroyed everything! From the love they shared to their chance at happiness with their child. How simple things looked just days ago and how impossible now.

"How far along are you?" He finally asked. She didn't have to think but it took her a moment to find her voice. "It has been almost two months since I . . . . " A girl moment. "When you miss two then you know for sure. It was last week when I knew and had decided to wait . . . . . to wait until tonight to tell you." To make tonight perfect. She would have spoken to Gaius the next day then and learned what she needed to do, and they could have moved on from there. Been happy. Complete!

[Arthur Pendragon]

Two months. So they had seven left before their child entered this world. And then what? Where would they go from there? What was he supposed to do? He wanted to ask if she was sure, but . . . she was either lying about the child in general, or she knew for certain. Otherwise, she would not have come to him. He still did not totally dismiss the first possibility and hoped that she would have enough decency to not lie about such a thing. Then again, her decency was not first and foremost on his mind. He turned away from her again, to think. To try and determine what the best course of action would be. He could not think of his happiness nor hers. There was a child at stake and that child took priority above everything else. He or she needed stability and . . . two parents who loved him or her. They may not love each other, but they could love this child. He knew what he needed to do and already hated himself for doing it. But . . . it would be what was best for the baby.

So that they would not have to grow up surrounded by whispers and rumors. So that Arthur would not have to deny claim to him. This was for the best, yet Arthur had to keep telling himself that. He paused for several moments before speaking, still facing away from her. "We will wed tomorrow," he said in a tone filled with finality. Slowly, very slowly, he brought his gaze to her. He couldn't look at her when he spoke of their marriage. A marriage that was supposed to be happy and filled with love . . . before she ruined it. "And remain so until the baby is born." He didn't want to be with a woman who didn't want to be with him. If he kept her in this marriage, then he would have learned nothing from her recent actions. "After a year or so, I will find a way to terminate the marriage." He had to speak about it with strong detachment . . . otherwise, he would let his devastation show once again. And right now, there was just seriousness and anger.

[Guinevère]

"We will wed tomorrow," Still? Guinevère looked up surprised even though she had expected this reaction from him. A marriage for the bay's sake. She did not want to trap him in a loveless marriage where he would not find happiness. Where he would only look at her and forever see this night rather then the five years they had together. One action ruined so much time for them. She knew she had to tell him she would not trap him, that they would find another way for things to be so he would not miss out on a life of--"And remain so until the baby is born."

But Arthur wasn't thinking of a life with her. He was only planning one for the moment. "After a year or so, I will find a way to terminate the marriage." A year? He would pretend for a year? No. The wedding vows meant something to her! When she sore to love him she would mean forever. When she swore to be with him, she would mean forever. Which might sound disbelieving after her actions tonight but she would mean them! "If you only plan to marry for so short of time why marry?" If he was only going to live her again.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"If you only plan to marry for so short of time why marry?" That was what she was asking him? Didn't she know why? Didn't she know that if there was any other choice, he would take it. This was not what he wanted to do. He did not want to pretend to be happy for a year. He didn't want to force both of them into a marriage where there was no trust or loyalty. "Because it is what is best for the baby," he answered bluntly. He would not have his child grow up in such an unstable environment. He would not have him shamed or his reputation compromised. And although he would not admit it right now, he also wanted to protect Guinevère's reputation. Had she not been pregnant, he would have banished her. But she was the mother of his child and he did not want her to be seen so . . . scandalously among the people.

Plus, if he didn't claim his child then who was to say that she wouldn't marry Lancelot and then he would raise him as his own. A day ago -- hell, a few hours ago -- he never would have doubted his fiance and brother. Now, he had nothing but doubt for them. Both of them. He knew they were capable of anything. That they would betray so many just to be in each others arms. Thinking of it again, replaying the image that he had walked into . . . made his heart ache. "I would not do this if there was any other option." But it was the best way to protect his child. When it was born, then she could do whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted. For as long as they were married, he would not lay with her.

[Guinevère]

"Because it is what is best for the baby," Only for the child, however for she feared that marrying a man and planning on not staying married would hurt her far more--hurt them more. She feared that the moment they did this, it would mean there was no going back and things would never change between them. Not that she thought they would not. "I would not do this if there was any other option." Guinevère looked down at the foot and felt tears come at that point.

She had hurt him so much and his reminder--though she knew he did not say it to hurt her--hurt her in a almost psychical sense. Her hand came to rest on her belly and she feared for what sort of life this child would have when his parents could not be in the same room together. She wanted to tell him that she could not marry him but she didn't know how. Her vows would mean something to her. She would mean then in her heart!

Yet she did not plan to ever love another--despite her horrid actions of tonight--so perhaps she could say them, and mean them? Marry him and let him do what he needed to do, and she would bare it in order to amend for what she had done to him?

[Arthur Pendragon]

She was silent, and once again . . . it was probably for the best. He didn't know if it was her way of showing that she didn't approve of this plan or not. Well, he supposed she didn't. Who would want to marry a man that they did not fully love? He had put her in that position for the past week. Only this time, he was not placing her in such a position for his own desires . . . but for the sake of the baby. And that was what made him more stubborn to go along with this. To pretend that they were happy. It would not be easy, for either of them. That much he knew. But a child did not deserve to suffer just because . . . of what happened between them. Arthur turned his back to her once again and as before, he put his hands on the table, bracing himself up with the strength of his arms. There was one thing that he had still had yet to determine. Guinevère's sentence had been passed, and now altered due to circumstances . . . but Lancelot. His fate remained undecided. Until now.

"Lancelot will be banished." He could not kill him. Just like he could not kill Guinevère. Despite Arthur raging attack on Lancelot, and the fact that he truly would have killed him in that moment had Guinevère not intervened . . . it was different now. How could he actually sentence a man to death? His uncle had told him that death was too good for Lancelot; that the man should die a slow and painful death, tortured. Arthur could not do that. His uncle was just trying to help him, and he knew what he would say . . . that not executing Lancelot for his crime was a sign of weakness. But what strength did Arthur have to prove? Besides, he needed to protect the reputation of the mother of his child -- again, for the child's sake. He couldn't just randomly execute Lancelot, for the people would wonder what had brought about this. Which was also why he could not let Guinevère say good bye to him either.

He would see how he felt after a year, for he would be depriving her of true happiness but trapping her in a marriage with him. But he could not have Lancelot here. He did not trust him, and he did not trust Guinevère. He refused to have her run to the arms of another man while carrying his child. She had done that once -- tonight -- and he couldn't let it happen again. So he would send Lancelot away for the time being. Though even while saying this, he could not look at her. He didn't want to see whatever pain would be in her eyes for the sake of another man. He didn't want see her spill tears for Lancelot when being told he'd be sent away. It had broken his heart to see that look in her eyes when she had stepped between the two men right before Arthur would have otherwise killed the knight. The way she inched closer to Lancelot. He saw it then, there in her eyes . . . and that had been the moment that he had stopped long enough to feel his heart break.

[Guinevère]

"Lancelot will be banished." She had expected as much, and the news did not sadden her like it should have. She knew this was his dream--this life as a knight, but she also knew she did not wish to see him. She did not want to have to face him again, after what they had done. Guinevère did not love him! She did not! Not like she loved Arthur. Not even closer. Lancelot was like Percival and Gwaine in her heart. Cherished but not a lover.

Should she say something? React to this somehow? "I do not wish to see him." Hoping that he did not tell her to go say goodbye. She did not want to look into his eyes and see the pain that should be there. Guinevère was not ready to face anyone at the moment. She wanted to hide in her house for a week, or a year. She was SO ashamed! She was so weak! So very, very weak and stupid! WHY she she done this!? What made her go to see him? It was not love!