I Can't Live With or Without You

[Arthur Pendragon]

"If you wish to rest, I could put some pillows and a blanket by the fire." Pillows by the fire . . . on their wedding night. The thought of how wrong all this was would never flee his mind. Their marriage was meant to be a happy one. Something that was worth fighting for after all those years of heartache. But one night, had undone all those years. Just when a future of happiness was within their grasp . . . it was ripped from their hold. "I'm fine, thank you," he told her. He didn't want her to feel the need to set up a small bed for him. It was not as if he would be getting much asleep anyway. "If you begin to feel unwell, I can seek out Gaius and have him prepare a draft for you." As he knew that illness was a symptom with pregnancy. Whether she felt ill now, or in the morning. They would of course not make any announcement right now, but he also knew that he could trust Gaius' discretion. As he always did.

While he and Guinevère may not be on the best of terms -- quite the understatement -- she carried his child. And even though he could not easily find the words right not, he loved her. His love for her had not diminished because of her actions. Trust, yes. But not his love for her. How could he feel any less, after all the years his love for her had grown and build something that had taken him over. He had thought it both painful and wonderful. Painful in the first years of having developed feelings for her for he knew nothing could come of it. But then it turned to something wonderful when they found a way to be together. Only . . . he had not known what pain was until last night. And all those wonderful feelings of being blissfully in love, were gone. Now, there was only pain at the reminder of her betrayal. Every time he saw her, that was all he would be able to think about. And he hoped in the coming weeks, these reminders would be replaced with the joys of having a child.

[Guinevère]

"I'm fine, thank you," She doubted that, but she would not push him. She hoped that one day she could bring him back around to at lease feeling comfortable in her presence. For the sake of the child, if not for themselves. "If you begin to feel unwell, I can seek out Gaius and have him prepare a draft for you." She paused to look behind her at him, "I'm fine, thank you."

Guinevère moved to the bed and looked at it for a moment, before taking some of the pillows and the top blanket off just in case, and taking it over to the table. "just in case," He deiced to stay for a while. Then she turned and walked to bed. lifting the skirt just enough to crawl in and get under the blankets, before pulling them up to her chin. "Good night . . " My lord. History it seemed had come full circle, only this time she was in the bed, and he was not. " . . . Arthur."

[Arthur Pendragon]

He didn't watch her as she climbed into bed, but did notice that she set aside a blanket and pillows for him anyway. Despite all the tension between them, she still wanted to make sure he was comfortable. She still wanted to take care of him. And he knew, that he needed to start doing the same. That now, she was his wife. And while it was only a title to benefit their child and protect her reputation . . . he needed to act like a father by taking care of the woman who would bring their child into this world. Besides, he'd heard that stress was not good for the baby and didn't want to be responsible for causing her any harm while she was in such a delicate state. "Good night," he replied in a low voice, wishing with all his heart that he could at least lie down next to her and hold her as they slept. But that was just the problem: his heart was broken. And he hoped that a child would mend it for right now, it was his only hope in feeling somewhat whole again. Though there would always be that devastation of her actions . . . of her betrayal.

As promised, he was gone by morning, having spent most of the night deep in thought, or with his head on the desk falling asleep that way. His mood was not the best, but then again . . . it would be far from jovial for the next little while. He spoke with those who knew of her betrayal again, and made sure that the secret was well protected. Those who did not know, offered their strong congratulations and some made jokes and jests about being married. Arthur found no humor in this subject, but politely smiled for he could not act as if something was wrong. Everything needed to appear normal, until the baby was born. Until they no longer had to pretend and could carry on their own separate ways. The next few days were spent like this. He would spend a few hours in the queen's chambers, managing to sneak some documents in so that it appeared as if he was still exploring the benefits of married life. When in actuality, he would do some work and then leave sometime in the middle of the night. This was only done for a couple of days, and then he would pause from it, knowing that it would not create suspicion any more. And plus, it would avoid that awkwardness that they had, every time they were in the room together.

[Guinevère]

That night had not gained her much sleep, but instead she just pretended to. Her back to him, she stayed there and rested until he left, and then she cried for all that she had lost. Arthur.

Over the next few days, she would keep busy enough that by night time, she could rest easier, for she would be too tired to do anything else. A few times even making sure she was sleeping before he arrived. Though she knew he had come, for she would set out water, and a blanket fr him. The times she was not it was awkward, and their words short.

Deciding that she would need to ready the nursery early, for she would be too large to move everything where she wanted it later--and she wanted to make everything that would belong in there, from the curtains, to the sheets, to banners on the wall, she wanted to spend her time making the room perfect!--Guinevère had everything to begin being readied.

It was only her and her own handmaiden, Rosa, working in there for the moment. "Will you help me side the crib back a few feet, so we have order a rocking chair and have it here." Guinevère asked of her, and they both took a side and moved the heavy crib a few inches at a time backwards. These were the moments she found joy in. Found peace in her soul. Moments when she readied her life for Arthur's child that grew with in her.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur had been casually passing the nursery that was slowly being built for their child, when he heard voices and a few loud sounds, as if something was being moved. Deciding to see how the room was developing, Arthur made his way inside . . . only to see Guinevère and Rosa moving the furniture themselves. "Guinevère," he stated in surprise, and an underlying tone of disapproval, and her actions. Rosa ceased immediately and lowered her head in a bit of a bow, her gaze downcast. But Arthur was not looking at Rosa, he was looking at Guinevère as he quickly approached her. He stepped in between her and the crib that she was attempting to move, to discourage her from moving it again. "You should not be moving such heavy things," he told her.

While he was concerned for her, he knew that his voice was lacking that usual soft tone he had always spoken to her with in the past. Had things been better between them, he could have said such words in a teasing way. But instead, they came out more formal. "There are others to do such things for you. You should not be burdening yourself." She was expecting a child. She should be getting as much rest as possible . . . not lifting heavy objects around. Even if she did not want to come to him personally and ask for help -- something that he had expected -- there were still the other knights that she was close to, and of course her brother. Or any of the passing guards. Either way, it should not be her moving these heavy things around. Not when her condition was already so delicate.

[Guinevère]

She was enjoying this, moving things and readying her child's room. She wanted everything to be prefect for them, and getting the larger things ready would help her see what smaller things were needed. A rug here, a curtain there, perhaps even something to help ward off any droughts. She was feeling rather good! Rather--"Guinevère," --Guilty. Turning to see him she whispered his name, surprised and a bit out of breath. "Arthur!" He had startled her.

"You should not be moving such heavy things," She was pregnant, and she knew that she should not strain herself but this was not a strain. not much of one. With Rosa's help she was moving it over and getting everything ready. "There are others to do such things for you. You should not be burdening yourself." Arthur had said as much before they were married, back when they had been in love and everything was simple. He would tell her to let others do things for her but it wasn't quite who she was. Even still, asking knights or guards to stop what they were doing and do this seemed . . . .

She didn't want to be seen as weak, or as if she married him for this reason--especially if he was going to end their marriage one day. "Rosa, why do you take a break? We can finish working another day." Rosa bowed and silently walked out, seeming to be afraid to speak. "Thank you!" She called after her, then looked at Arthur. Her 'husband' in name only. "I wanted to do it. I wanted to see what would be needed in here."

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur briefly glanced at Rosa as she made her leave and then turned all attentions toward Guinevère. "I wanted to do it. I wanted to see what would be needed in here." It did not fully surprise him that she wanted to do it herself. Had things been different between them . . . this could easily be a source of teasing. But things were still tense, for a few days would not erase that one night. Things would not be resolved so quickly. "Have one of the knights assist you," he suggested, knowing that she was only comfortable with a select few knights, especially her brother. It was better, rather than Rosa and her handle this themselves. "You could injure yourself by doing this. I will send someone up to help you." It was more of a statement than a question or request. The only reason he himself did not offer . . . was because he knew -- or assumed -- that she would not accept his help.

She was as withdrawn from him as he was of her. But that was of course natural, for if he made no effort to act as they once were, why should she? Besides, it was better this way for when the day came that their marriage would be terminated. Then again, nothing would ease the pain of that day. He dreaded it, even now. Which caused him to be conflicted, for he looked forward to the day that he could hold his child -- their child -- in his arms. This was not how their marriage was supposed to be, but there was nothing he could do to change it. The wounds of her actions were too fresh. At least this was one matter easily resolved by having another come up to help her so she would not have to do all the heavy labor.

[Guinevère]

"Have one of the knights assist you," The knights? This was a job that parents should be doing together, not her and a stranger. Not her and her brother. "You could injure yourself by doing this. I will send someone up to help you." Someone up. Why did he not stay and help? Was it so hard to be near her?! Did he now hate her that much?!

"Do not," She told him, trying to keep the hormonal anger from her tone, knowing that she had no right to be angry that he was not here helping build their child's room because of his displeasure with her. "I will not stand up here and point while strangers build my child's room!" She wanted to do this with Arthur! She wanted him in her life and he only held himself back and she wasn't sure how to fix that! Knowing it was her own deeds that had taken them so low did not help her irrational anger!

"I will wait to do this on another day when perhaps you can find the time to join me." Her voice wasn't soft, like she hoped, but rather annoyed with him.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"Do not." Do not? "I will not stand up here and point while strangers build my child's room!" He was upsetting her. This was the problem . . . well, part of it. He seemed so incapable of being able to keep things calm and peaceful between them. When there was so much tension. He could not even apologize for his remark in this moment, for he stood firm with his offer. But, he also knew that this kind of stress was not good for the child growing in her womb. That he would have to find ways to be less withdrawn from her, if only to avoid her getting upset . . . as she was now. "The knights are no strangers to you." The words came out before he thought them through. In his attempt to help keep things calm, he was not doing a very good job. It was her last comment that caused him to pause though. Did she actually want him here? Did she want his help? He had offered because it seemed that the best thing for them was distance.

Yet, the best thing for the child was for his or her mother and father to be near it at all times. Even as it grew inside her. "What is it that you will have me do then?" He asked. His voice was not raised, but it was stern . . . more stern than he would have liked. "How am I supposed to know when you are moving furniture around Guinevère? Next time, send someone to inform me, rather than attempt to move things on your own." He hated this. He absolutely hated arguing with her . . . especially about something as trivial as a nursery. Their child's room should not be the source of argument! It should be something happy; something to enjoy building. Yet all their conversations held that underlying tension between them . . . and it always released. Taking a calming breath, Arthur knew he should not keep encouraging this debate. "What do you need help with?" Since he was here now. And it was better that he moved it, then her.

[Guinevère]

"The knights are no strangers to you." Guinevère gasp softly, at his beyond hurtful words. Did he think she was 'free' with all of them? Did he see her as a lose woman? How much he must hate her now, if this was the level of doubt he now held in her after five years of looks and touches, and confessions of the heart. No wonder he could not even stand to be in the same room with her!

He spoke on about how she should send words to him! Send word? Have a friend of her's deliver the message? Merlin?! How awful a place to put him! she would not! "What do you need help with?" "Nothing," She whispered, hurt by his words, but then her voice spoke up and was stronger, more angry then before though not just from the hormones that took away her reason but the hurt his words caused. "I should not have to send word to you. You should have asked! Instead you bring papers to my bed chambers and pretend to be so engrossed with them that I dare not speak a word!"

"I don't want you here because you feel obligated! You should want to be here for you child, and for the life they will start in this room! Rosa and I are able to tend this room without the aid of you 'sending' someone."

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur noticed her gasp and hadn't quite realized how his words sounded . . . until she'd reacted this way to them. He had not mean them in the way she may have taken them . . . but nor was there any point to clarify. What good would it do? It would only cause that night to approach their conversation that was something he wanted to avoid . . . at all costs. He had angered her even more, but he was not in the proper state of mind to help ease the anger that was rising in both of them. He was more easily agitated than her, he was not going to deny that. And it was why he had admittedly been avoiding her company as much as possible. "What do you expect me to do Guinevère?" He asked, his rhetorical question still holding that stern tone, trying his best not to raise his voice. The last thing they needed was to yell at each other and have someone pass by. Plus, as his previous thoughts reminded him, it was not good for the baby. When the months went on, he did not want his child to hear its father speak in such a tone of anger.

"What else am I supposed to do when I come, on nights that you pretend to be asleep?" That, was something else he not meant to let slip out . . . but in the heat of the moment it had. Because he knew she was not always asleep when he came, even on the night of their wedding. What else was he supposed to do? He couldn't make love to her, no matter how much he wanted to. This conversation was not going well, and he knew he should leave by now . . . especially with her refusal, but he could not bring himself to step away from her. Perhaps it was the very conversation that he knew he should leave from, that was actually making him stay. "And you should not be lifting heavy things," he reminded. "I want to be there for our child as much as I can." But . . . how could he look at her so calmly? He couldn't even do so right now! He was still trying to see her more as the mother of his child, then the woman who betrayed him. For perhaps, that would help ease some of the anger and hurt he held toward her. "But I do not know where you are, every moment of every day." Something else that he would have known, had they been able to have a proper marriage.

[Guinevère]

"What do you expect me to do Guinevère?" Be her husband, or leave her now. "What else am I supposed to do when I come, on nights that you pretend to be asleep?" "Join me!" She burst out before she could hold the words back. Guinevère did not wish to hurt him more, for she knew this was of her own making but if he could not even look upon her then she wished he'd not married her. Arthur should have been happy, and she was only making it harder. "Instead of holding conversions or even trying to move past my actions you ignore me and pretend that there is pressing matters of state!"

"I know the kingdom demands much from you but if you truly rather word well into the night then hold an conversation with me then stop coming!" Stop pretending things he did no longer felt. It was breaking her heart to know what she had done tot he man who had once loved her and could not keep his hands off of her. Now he ignored her and read over papers rather then enjoy married life. Now she pretended to be sleeping to spare them both the attempt of ignoring each other. "I cannot live this lie! Do not come to my chambers to read papers. You can pretend less in your own chambers."

[Arthur Pendragon]

"Join me!" How could he?! She had made her choice that night. She had rather find comfort in another man's arms on the eve of their wedding, rather than wait to spend the rest of her life in his arms. What did she expect him to do now? How could he believe that she had always loved him and no other when she had made her choice?! She spoke of how she was drawn to him, but she had intentionally sought Lancelot out. She had sneaked around the castle . . . going to a room that should have been otherwise abandoned at such a late hour. And now she told him off, telling him to join her. Telling him not to pretend that there were more pressing matters. Telling him that . . . she could not live like this. Neither could he. He had done what he thought best for the child, but it was not enough. Clearly, it was not enough. He tried to keep up appearances but in the process, it was just hurting them. He was at such a loss as to what to do. He had no one he could seek council from . . . and the one woman who's advice he had valued above all others, was the very source of his pain! They couldn't live like this. What should he say now, in these moments? Tell her that he will no longer come to her at night? Tell her to send someone to get him if she needed anything?

He couldn't even find the words to speak in this moment. All he could do was stare at her . . . feeling so many emotions at once, that he could not keep them under control. He needed to tell her that he would not come anymore. Yes. That was exactly what he needed to do. He opened his mouth to speak . . . but he acted more than spoke. Surprised by even his own actions -- but not enough to stop them as he lost all control -- he lunged forward taking hold of her in his arms and pushing her back while he moved forward . . . until her back was against the wall. Simultaneously, his lips found hers and kissed her in a passionate frenzy. What was he doing?! This was the last thing he should be doing. He had vowed never to make love to her for as long as they were married. While he loved her, she did not love him enough to remain honest and loyal to him. So why now, was he forcing himself on her? He should stop. He knew he should stop. But what his mind told him to do, his actions showed the exact opposite, for his body was firmly pressed against hers, and his mouth firmly planted on hers, deepening the kiss and losing all senses and rationality while doing so.

[Guinevère]

Guinevère stirred at Arthur, and waited for any sign of response. It felt like an year before he moved forward and pushed her the short distant back. For the slightest half second there was a slight thought of fear, before his lips took her's! Gasping, and deepening the kiss, anything but need and passion quickly became a distant memory!

A shiver moved down her spine, and the hormonal anger turned quickly into a building flood of heat. Yet she was still angry at the same time, making it a fire heat rather then one of just need. Her hand went to the back of his head and she pressed him closer. The free hand, reached blinding out until it found his arm, and could follow it to his shoulder blades to help hold him in place. When she finally could no longer kiss him without gasping for air, her head tilted back just enough to touch the wall, exposing her neck for Arthur's attentions.

[Arthur Pendragon]

/*/*

[Guinevère]

/*/*

[Arthur Pendragon]

/*/*

[Guinevère]

/*/*

[Arthur Pendragon]

/*/*

[Guinevère]

/*/*