Life in Sugales

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn ap Llewellyn was waiting in the solar of Rouland de Archer's home and hating every second of it. The house that used to be full of such life was cold and barren and brittle. A servant was trying to smile at him, but her smile was far too out of place within the grey so he just ignored her and ran a hand through his hair. He shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be doing this. When he told Caitrin, promised Caitrin, he would look after the children should- should, another sigh, should this happen he'd never imagine it actually would. And yet here he sat, waiting not only for Rouland de Archer but for Caitrin's orphaned children so he could take them to Sugales. There was nothing left in Camelot for him, and while the children still had a great uncle in Rouland, and an uncle in Sir Lucan, Celyn decided it would be better to return home. He could offer them stability there and his sisters could help raise them. They needed a maternal figure, they needed Caitrin, but as she wasn't here they were left with Bethan and Eleri.

Jesu, he missed her. Being in her home just made everything all that much worse. She should be here, laughing and teasing and just being Caitrin, making the world brighter, but instead she was lying in the cold, dark, earth. The fever had taken her far too quickly, her and Griff, within a week they had both gone, leaving their five children behind. The youngest, Ellyn and Catelyn, knew nothing of what had happened - they were only two, but Arthur and Esmae understood that their parents had gone, and Alfie knew something was amiss, even if he didn't know exactly what.

Celyn ran a hand over his face. He remembered the moment Caitrin told him she was with child the first time. She'd been so happy, but so nervous, she was finally going to have the family she wanted, and Celyn had been happy for her because he'd always known she would be a fantastic mother and she'd had so much pain and suffering in her short life. The only consolation was that when the fever took her it had been over quickly and for most of it she hadn't been conscious. She'd just slipped away - but it was an uniftting way to go for someone so loud. She should have gone out with a bang.

The sound of footsteps brought him out of his thoughts and he looked up to see a rather confused face looking at him underneath a mess of dark brown hair.

"Hello Alfie." Celyn said, a small smile on his lips, but his eyes betrayed his emotions. Alfie looked so much like his father, so much so that Griff had taken to calling his youngest son Mini Griff. Celyn was sure Caitrin's irritation had only provoked her husband further.

The child shuffled towards him, "Where's mummy?"

It was the inevitable question Celyn had been fearing. How could he possible tell a child that his mother was dead? That his father was dead? He stood up, walked over to Alfie and picked him up. (Normally he'd end up holding the child upside down and threatening to drop him on his head, usually to the delight of Ellyn who, even at two years old, was taking an unusual interest in the distress of others. He'd have to do something about that. Jesu, he'd have to look after them, all of them.) This time, however, he ruffled Alfie's hair with his hand, "Cait- Mummy's...Mummy's not here. Not anymore."

"When will mummy be back?"

"Not yet, Alf." Celyn replied wearily. He just wanted to go back to Sugales now, he couldn't be in the house anymore, not without Caitrin. He couldn't do anything anymore without Caitrin, and yet here he was, about to take on her children. A promise was a promose.


Tagged: Rouland de Archer & Esmae, Arthur & Alfie Aubert (with Ellyn & Catelyn Aubert)
Location: de Archer estate
Timline: A few years after series four
What if: Caitrin and Griff both died and their children were left in Celyn's care

[Rouland de Archer]

Rouland de Archer had known that this day had been coming since his niece, and her husband’s, funeral. He was stood in the children’s room, looking outside in the opposite direction to which Celyn would be arriving in. In truth, he didn’t really want to see the man. Rouland wasn’t quite sure what he wanted at the moment. Wine in hand, he leant his head against the window and bit his lip. It had been hard, no matter how much he had refused to admit it before now, it had been so hard without Caitrin and Griff around the house. He missed them both, even Griff in his own way. He didn’t have anyone to tease anymore, no, he didn’t have anyone.

He’d never really wanted to take Caitrin in all those years ago, he’d wanted to be just left in peace after his wife had slipped away, and his son had run off. He’d wanted to live a solitary life, away from court and away from the world. However, Caitrin in her own way had breathed life into the house, she’d brought new life into it, and then she too had slipped away. Maybe it was something to do with him, maybe he was cursed. He ran a hand through his hair and took a sip of his wine to calm his nerves. It wasn’t fair, he knew it wasn’t. There wasn’t day that went past when he didn’t wish it could be him in the ground, and not Caitrin and Griff. They were both so young, he had lived his life, and look at what he had to show for it. Rouland on the other hand had lived nearly double their years, and only achieved a fraction of what they had.

At least it had been over quickly, and none of Caitrin’s children had been taken with her. She wouldn’t have wanted that. One of the last things she had commanded before she had slipped into the full front of her fever was that her children were to be kept away from both her and Griff. She hadn’t wanted any of her children at risk. Back then everything had been so optimistic. She and Griff had been convinced they would recover, she’d smiled and laughed at him, and told him not to worry. He’d seen it in her eyes that she, Caitrin de Archer, had been scared, and in turn he had been scared as well. The few days he had to look after their children had been a nightmare in itself. It had confirmed to him that there was no way he would be able to look after five very young children. However, it didn’t mean that he couldn’t have tried.

That was what hurt, it wasn’t that the children were being sent away, because he had supposed that much. They weren’t de Archer’s at the end of the day, they were Aubert’s and Rouland had no legal hold over them. However, he was hurt that his niece had entrusted Celyn to look after them rather than him. Apparently this had been an agreement made years ago, and obviously it was never expected to come to anything. Caitrin and Griff should have lived until old age, they should have seen their children grow up, but there would be none of that now. They were both in the ground, and their children were being sent to Sugales to be raised in a foreign court. Somehow Rouland was failing to see the silver lining in this situation.

He heard the door open behind him, and a quick glance told him that it was Esmae. For a moment, when she looked at him, she looked so like her mother. Rouland bit the inside of his mouth, and couldn’t look her in the eye for the moment. He’d met Caitrin at a similar age, and that had been when he had grown to love her as a niece. That all seemed like a lifetime ago now. Rouland finally sighed, and turned his attentions to Esmae, the girl who from a very young age had still insisted on calling him ‘Granddad.’ Caitrin had encouraged it to wind him up, but what was about to happen showed how frail that title was. It meant nothing, and in a few hours he wouldn’t hear Esmae call him that again, at least not for a long time.

He knelt down in front of her, Jesu she was so young, “Are you all packed Esmae?” He asked he softly and she nodded her head, and she looked for a moment as if she was going to cry. Rouland faltered, he wasn’t fond of children crying. Setting his wine down, he took her shoulders in his, “Now, you’re going to be a brave girl and look after your brothers and sisters aren’t you?” He asked her very seriously. Of all the children, at the moment at least, Esmae looked the most like a de Archer. He could see sparks of both Caitrin and Griff’s personality in her, but she had Mercian blood flowing through her, and Rouland knew she would be able to handle this.

“I want mummy.” She said, rubbing her eyes with her small palms, “And daddy. I don’t want to go away, I just want them.” Her words were said with a child’s anguish, but Rouland could hear the stubbornness in her voice, and it almost made him smile. Her spirit would carry her through this. He still had his hands on her shoulder and he just kept them there.

“I want them as well Esmae, but you have to know, they’ll never be gone, not really.” This didn’t sound like him, but he didn’t want to take Esmae to her new guardian in floods of tears. Esmae threw her arms around Rouland, and he took the chance to pick her up and walked down to the solar. He wasn’t sure where Arthur was, he’d find him in a moment, but he had to at least say hello to Celyn. Great. He pushed the door open, and noticed Alfie straight away. Esmae was still in his arms, but he stepped towards Celyn anyway. “Morning.” He said rather gruffly, “I take it you’re all ready to go?” He asked, almost accusingly, but Rouland wasn’t going to pretend he liked this situation one bit. “Would you like a drink before you go? It will be a long ride, or would you prefer to take them now?”

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn was still holding Alfie when Rouland appeared with Esmae, who of course looked like her mother because if she didn't, this might not have been as hard as it already was. Rouland looked as bad as Celyn felt, something that was hardly surprising. His heart went out to the man, it seemed with Caitrin's death he'd lost everything, and he was starting to feel guilty for taking the children with him, but he'd promised Caitrin he'd protect them. No matter how guilty he felt about taking them from Rouland, it would never compare to the guilt he'd feel if he didn't. They were the last remnants of Caitrin and Griff Aubert, so he was going to protect them with his life.

"Good morning," he replied, not even attempting to be cheerful or even friendly for that matter. He suspected Rouland was like him - just wanting to get this over with so they could both go back to their grief, only Celyn now had this responsibility as well. "Hello Esmae." He smiled at the child before turning back to Rouland. He was actually rather surprised the man was offering him some wine, and he really could do with a drink, but he didn't want to over step his welcome. "No, thank you. If it's all the same to you, we'll leave as soon as we're ready." He paused, "No offence but I want to be here for as little time as possible."

The de Archer estate held too many memories for him - good ones, bad ones, some he'd much rather forget and some that would keep him going, all about Caitrin of course. She was the only woman he'd ever loved, and although she'd never been his, he didn't know quite how to go on without her laughter and teasing and declarations that the west was rubbish. He needed to stop thinking about her right now because it wouldn't do him any good and he needed to be strong now, for the children. "Where are the others?" They appeared to be missing three Auberts. "Do they really dislike "Uncle" Celyn so very much?" He gave a small laugh, Caitrin had always insisted he be referred to as such. He'd never protested as it would only have encouraged her. That all seemed like so long ago now, an entire life away, one that had started because she'd just so happened to be walking past a rather awkward and uncomfortable bush. What an absurd way to make an acquaintance, and an even more absurd way to meet the woman you loved, but then again, it was Caitrin Aubert - or Caitrin de Archer as she'd been then - absurd was the only way to do it.

He was aware Rouland was still watching him and in such a way that made Celyn feel like he was being sized up. The two men had known each other for many years now but he couldn't blame Rouland for being cautious - these children were his family. "I'll take care of them, Rouland." He said, "For Cait."

[Rouland de Archer]

Rouland hadn’t let go of Esmae just yet, he didn’t want to let her go. All those years he’d dismissed all the children when they had been running through the solar while he’d been trying to drink and get away from the world, what he wouldn’t give to have those moments back. He knew he wasn’t right to raise his niece’s children, he was already old, even carrying Esmae down stairs had left him breathless, and he knew it would be better for them all to have some stability. However, he couldn’t help but feel resentful. He would miss out on everything in the children’s lives from this point onwards. Was that really what Caitrin had wanted? For him to be cut out of her children’s lives? The thought was bitter, and if he hadn’t had Esmae in his arms he would have reached for a goblet of wine. His mind wasn’t in a particularly good place at the moment, he knew that, so it wouldn’t be fair to inflict Celyn with his thoughts. It wasn’t Celyn’s fault that Caitrin had bestowed this upon him, but it didn’t make the parting from her children any easier for Rouland.

Finally he set Esmae down, as he couldn’t keep hold of her for much longer without keeling over. He wasn’t the young man he once had been. His bones ached, and he became breathless so much quicker. He knew he didn’t have many summers left, which made it harder to see the children go. He couldn’t just assume he would be around to see their marriages, and their children as their parents would have done if they were still here. He ruffled Esmae’s hair as she looked up to him. Rouland didn’t want them to part in an unhappy way. He didn’t want to remember the closest thing he had to his niece with teary eyes, and full of grief, Rouland wasn’t sure he would be able to bear the guilt.

Esmae, who up until now had remained rather quiet, looked up at her Uncle Celyn. She did love him, but she would have traded him in a heartbeat to see her mother or father standing there instead with extended arms. She didn’t need to curtsey, or do any of the things her mother had once taught her, because she knew her Uncle so well. “Hello.” She replied, but her words weren’t quiet because Esmae was anything but a shy child. Esmae wasn’t exactly sure where her Uncle was taking them, her granddad had just told her that her mother had wanted her, and her brothers and sisters, to go with Uncle Celyn to his home to live there. Esmae couldn’t understand why she had to move house; she liked it here. All her hiding places were here, and this was where her mummy and daddy had lived. “Where are we going?” She asked Celyn with wide eyes, she had heard the name before, but she had no idea where it was.

Rouland stiffly nodded at the man in front of him, he hadn’t expected him to stay. If he had been interested in making friends then he would have come round before this had to take place. He hadn’t, Celyn had stayed away, and Rouland had been left to make sure the children were ready to go to their new lives. Arthur and Esmae were the only ones who really needed telling, the others were too young to understand anything further than they were going with their Uncle Celyn. The term stung in his mouth. These children would grow up knowing their fictive kinship, not with their actual bloodline. Celyn was not their Uncle, and he would be so in name only. Rouland just hoped he remembered that. “That is fine, I understand.” He knew, no matter what he thought of this situation, Celyn had always been a good friend to Caitrin, and they had been close for years. Being here must have been as hard for him as it was for Rouland, maybe harder given the task he was about to embark on.

Though Celyn laughed at his own words, Rouland didn’t match the man’s emotion. “They don’t hate you.” He said flatly, how could anything from Caitrin’s womb ever hate Celyn? Even after what he was about to do with the little broken family. “I shall fetch them in a moment, but they are all ready to travel; I have prepared them all well.” That was the only contribution he could bring to his niece’s children, preparing them to move. Soon enough he would be nothing but a memory to them, as would their parents. Celyn, and his court, would be their new life now, and Rouland was finding it hard to accept. Rouland looked up at the man with dark tired eyes, as he said he would look after them for Cait’s sake; not Griff’s, and certainly not Roulands, but hers. It had always been about her. Rouland had always suspected it, but had never said anything, it wasn’t his place. “You must have cared for her a lot to do this.” Rouland stated, it wasn’t a compliment or even a consolation, it was just Rouland stating the facts. After all, Celyn had always been round here, always at Caitrin’s pleasure.

With that, Rouland left the room and told Esmae to stay there while he fetched her brother and sisters. Esmae, who was now alone in the room looked up at Celyn, and her bottom lip trembled. She was a strong, brave girl, her mummy had always told her that, and she didn’t want her Uncle to see her cry. Crying was for babies. She sniffed back but stayed very still, she wasn’t afraid of her Uncle, she was afraid of what was going to happen next. She couldn’t think of what to say to Celyn, so she turned to Alfie who was now looking on at her with big eyes.

Arthur poked his head around the door before Rouland walked in, Catelyn in his arms and Ellyn trotting along behind him. She was quite a confident walker, whereas Catelyn preferred to be carried most of the time. “The five Auberts.” Rouland said rather plainly as he set Catelyn down next to her sister. He couldn’t look at the pair, the burning red hair on their heads reminded him once more of what he had lost. “Do you need help preparing for the journey?”

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn had always thought Esmae looked like her mother, not just her hair, although that was the most telling, but just the way she carried herself. Even though she was only six, she had the makings of a heartbreaker in her - exactly like Caitrin. She was too much like her mother and only served as a reminder of what was lost, of everything Caitrin would miss. She'd never see Esmae pulling apart every man she saw, never see Arthur become a knight - if he still wanted to, and she'd never really know what kind of people Alfie, Catelyn and Ellyn would become.

Looking at Esmae just reminded Celyn of that spark Caitrin had always had and how much he missed her. He smiled down at her because it was through no fault of her own that she was the cause of such pain, and she was part of all that was left of the woman he'd loved. "We're going west." He replied, "You'll like it there and you can always come back here to visit." Although he spoke to Esmae his words were said more for Rouland's benefit than hers. He didn't want to take the children so far away, but he didn't belong in Camelot, he belonged in Sugales and now that he was the children's guardian they belonged their too. But Rouland had been a father to Caitrin and a grandfather to her children, the last thing he wanted was for this to be the last time Rouland saw them.

Celyn nodded at Rouland's words, although he was certain the man would miss him, he clearly wanted this meeting to be over with. Goodbyes were always hard, he couldn't imagine how Rouland was feeling, having to watch the last part of Caitrin being taken away, but, Celyn reminded himself, this was what she had wanted so in that respect it didn't matter how he or Rouland felt. They were both doing this for Caitrin and not themselves.

“You must have cared for her a lot to do this.”

Yes, he had cared for her a lot. He'd loved her, he'd loved her more than he'd loved anyone and he would give anything for her to still be here, still laughing and flirting with any man that crossed her path and raising her eyebrows in that judgemental way of hers when he was being stupid - or just Sugalen as he'd always tell her, and then she'd just judge him more. He still woke up every morning and for just a moment nothing had happened and she was still alive and still happy, but then he'd remember she was gone and he'd never see her again, and his world would fall apart all over again.

Celyn exhaled and bit his lip, wondering just how he could answer that. There wasn't a questioning tone in Rouland's voice - he clearly already knew Celyn's feelings had extended beyond friendship. "Yes, I did. I...she was Caitrin." He said, because her just being Caitrin was explanation enough for why Celyn had loved her so much.

Rouland left the room, presumably to bring the other children, so Celyn was left with only Alfie and Esmae. He was going to have to get used to them and being responsible for their wellbeing. It seemed like a rather long time before Rouland returned, but it couldn't have been more than ten minutes. Celyn just looked at the children, like Esmae, Ellyn and Catelyn were already starting to resemble their mother. "No, no, thank you." He replied to Rouland, his attention leaving the children for a moment. "If they are all ready we shall be on our way, we have a long journey ahead of us."

[Rouland de Archer]

Esmae Aubert could only understand part of what was going on. Granddad Rouland had just told them that they were going to live with their Uncle Celyn, because that was what their mother had wanted. Esmae hadn’t understood that, wouldn’t her mother want them to stay with her rather than their Uncle? Though that wasn’t possible now was it? She didn’t want to think her mummy and daddy weren’t going to be with her anymore. Whenever she closed her eyes she could still see them there, which meant they hadn’t left her just yet, she never wanted to lose sight of them. She hadn’t told anyone that she still imagined them both there, she imagined her father tucking her and Arthur in their room, only for her mother to come in and insist she gave them a kiss on the cheek before they went to sleep. Her father had always wanted a kiss on the cheek as well, which Esmae had always thought was silly, because he wasn’t going to bed, so why should he get a bedtime kiss? Right now she didn’t want her Uncle Celyn to be there, she wanted it to be her mummy or daddy so she could jump into them, and feel their warm arms around her. She could bury her head into their chest and just feel happy, because she loved her mother and father so much. She was just staring at her Uncle trying not to get upset. She didn’t cry, Ellyn and Catelyn cried because they were babies, but she wasn’t a baby. Her mother had told her she was so grown up before she’d been put in the room where Esmae hadn’t been allowed to see her. Her mother had just held her, and told her she was such a brave, and big girl, and had made her promise to look after her brothers and sisters. Esmae hadn’t imagined she would actually have to look after them all for this long, but she did. She was their big sister, and she would look after them all.

Her Uncle was talking to her, but she couldn’t smile back at him. She felt like tears were pricking the back of her little throat so she just nodded. Esmae looked up to Rouland as Celyn said she could visit him. She didn’t want to think this was the last time she would see her Granddad. He always said he wasn’t really her granddad, but her mother had always insisted she call him that anyway.

Rouland nodded at the little girl in agreement, “You can visit whenever you want Esmae.” Rouland said gently and then looked up to Celyn with an air of thanks. He didn’t want this to be the last goodbye, these children was all that was left of his niece and her husband. Rouland wanted to see them grow into the people Griff and Caitrin would never get to see. He knew he would be proud of them, he had always been proud of Caitrin but he had never said anything to her. He wished he had now, he wished he could just go back and tell her that he was proud of her, he had even been fond of Griff in the end, though he would never have suspected it.

Rouland didn’t press Celyn further than his first words, and for a moment he just looked on at the man in an almost sympathetic way. He wondered if Caitrin had known how he felt about her. Rouland bit his lip, and his hand itched for a goblet of wine. Jesu, he wasn’t sure if he could cope with this much longer. He was right of course, Caitrin had always just been Caitrin, mad, stubborn, ridiculous Caitrin. She’d never changed for anyone, not even Griff. He just nodded at Celyn and went off to find the rest of the brood which didn’t take that long.

Arthur Aubert stepped forwards to where his twin sister was stood in front of Uncle Celyn. He looked up at the man in slightly wonder before nudging his sister and whispered into her ear. Esmae looked as if she’d turned white for a moment and squeaked before running out of the room just as Uncle Celyn began to say they could leave. Arthur shook his head tentatively,

“Can we wait for Esmae before we go?” He asked, slightly concerned and he began to fiddle with the bottom of his tunic, Uncle Celyn wouldn’t forget Esmae would he? Esmae wasn’t long out of the room before she’d returned to her twins side, but she was now carrying a small, stuffed rabbit toy. The rabbit had certainly seen better days, and had so many new stitches it was hard to tell the original from the new,

“I couldn’t go without-“ She gestured to her rabbit, though she felt silly, her Uncle would think she was a baby, when she wasn’t! “Mummy fixed him for me, just before-“ She began to brush the rabbits ears back and bit her lip. Arthur was oblivious to the fact his twin was about to cry, he was more preoccupied watching Ellyn and Catelyn who were behind them in their travelling clothes. Arthur had his travelling cloak around his shoulders already, and Esmae and Alfie’s cloak’s were by the front door.

Rouland, who was holding Catelyn in his arms, just nodded at Celyn to indicate that they were ready. Assuming that Celyn’s carriage was round the front, Rouland gave a nod to the children to start making their way to the front door. He felt sick as he led the way, these were children who would grow up without either of their parents, or anyone of their blood around them. There were servants ready to take the youngest Auberts from his arms so he kissed the top of Catelyn and Ellyn’s heads before releasing them to the servants who would put them in the carriage, ready for the journey. Rouland then handed Esmae and Alfie their travelling cloaks. Esmae still looked unsure but Rouland smiled down at her,

“Remember Esmae, you’re a grown up girl now. You have de Archer blood, Mercian blood, running through you; you have nothing to worry about.” Maybe that wouldn’t mean anything to her now, but Rouland hoped it would in time. He finally turned to Celyn, now the children were ready to leave and sighed, “Promise me you will keep the memories of their parents alive. Especially for the youngest, I don’t want them to think she didn’t care, because she did; they both did.”[/blockquote][/color]

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

In any other situation, Celyn would not believe that he was seeing Rouland de Archer looking thankful and, in any other situation, he would have commented. But now was certainly not the time. He was taking the man's family, after all, and although it was not permanent, Sugalres was a good distance from Camelot and he had no doubt the children would be missed. He stepped back a bit, giving Rouland this last moment his Caitrin's children - the last of his niece and tried to compose himself properly. He was responsible for them now, which meant he had to keep it together. His grief, his pain, his suffering, it would all have to be ignored. He was not going to let Caitrin down in this.

It was already not going well. Esmae had run off somewhere, and it seemed Arthur was convinced she was soon to be forgotten. Celyn looked down at him with an amused expression on his face. Why would he think his sister would just be left? "Of course we will, Arthur. We're not leaving Esmae." He replied reassuringly, and, no sooner had he finished speaking, the oldest Aubert returned, holding a rather old rabbit. The child's mention of her mother stung somewhat, but he wouldn't allow himself to let it get to him now. The children had lost their parents, they needed someone to look after them who wouldn't break down every time their mother was mentioned.

Nothing else was said, and so the small party made their way outside to where Celyn's carriage was already waiting for them. It was going to be a long journey, but he'd tried to make it as comfortable as possible and packed some food and extra blankets. Two servants were now with Catelyn and Ellyn, settling them into the carriage, while Alfie was back in Celyn's arms. Once again, Celyn stood back a little to give Rouland some privacy. He didn't want to think about what must be going through the man's mind now, or how he'd feel when they were gone. It was now time for their goodbye, which Celyn was finding surprisingly harder than he'd thought. He'd never particularly got on with Celyn - no one did, but even so. "I promise. They will all grow up knowing, how much their parents loved them, how much you love them."

There was nothing else to say, and so with a small, sad smile, Celyn awkwardly bowed - Alfie still being in his arms - and walked over to the carriage to sit the youngest son down. He could hear Arthur and Esmae walking behind him and helped them into the carriage before getting in himself. When they were all comfortable he called for the driver to depart.

[Caitrin de Archer]

The last thing that his Granddad had said to Arthur was to look after his sisters, and his brother, and to be grown up. Arthur wasn’t sure how to be a grown up, his father and mother had never told him to grow up. They’d always just been happy, and had played with him and his brother and sisters. The carriage had set off, and luckily Arthur was sat next to the window. He hadn’t been in a carriage very much, his mother had always taken him everywhere by a horse. He’d always sat in front of her, or his father of course, and sometimes they’d even let him hold the reigns. He’d had his own little pony as well, but he liked riding with his parents because their horses were taller and faster. His head was already thinking that he should ask his parents to take him out riding again when he got back home. But then he remembered, there was no going back, and even if there was, his parents weren’t there anymore. Arthur bit his lip, feeling his tears choke his throat. He hadn’t cried when his parents had died, he’d just been angry. They’d always said that they’d always be there, that they’d look after him, but it had all just been words. His Granddad had told him that they still loved him, no matter where they were, but Arthur couldn’t understand that.

He looked across at his sister, who was staring at the little rabbit in her arms. Arthur was quite surprised that she hadn’t spoken yet. Alfie was sat next to their Uncle Celyn, but Arthur didn’t really pay him any attention for the moment. Arthur shifted slightly before looking back at their Uncle. “How long does it take to get to Su-S- to where we’re going?” He settled on, and Esmae looked up at Celyn too at her brother’s question. She had asked where they were going earlier, but not how long it would take. She had overheard their Uncle saying that it would be a long journey, but she wasn’t sure how long that actually was.

Esmae wasn’t quite sure what she thought about this journey altogether, at the moment she was just trying to stare down at her rabbit, and imagine that everything was going to be fine. She just wanted her daddy, and her mummy. She would give anything to see her parents again. Her granddad had told her to be a grown up, and to be strong, but she didn’t want to be either. She wanted to be just Esmae, and to run around in her home, and for her daddy to be running after her, and for her mummy to be disapproving, but still join in anyway. She could feel herself getting upset again so she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her gown to get rid of the tears that were forming there. “Es?” Arthur was looking at her but she shook her head,

“I’m not crying.” She said rather defiantly and held her head up to prove it, but she bit down on her lip until she was sure that she wasn’t going to cry. She looked up at her Uncle and managed a small smile at him. She’d always liked their Uncle, he’d always made her laugh, but he looked sad, but everyone looked sad nowadays. She wondered if anyone would ever look happy again. “Are you alright Uncle?” She asked him politely, trying to throw the attention off her. She didn’t want anyone to ask her the same question, because she didn’t feel alright. She hadn’t felt alright in a long time.[/blockquote][/color]

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn was going to be fine, or rather he wasn't, but he was going to pretend he was going to be fine. He was going to present himself to the world as fine because that's what the children needed. Jesu, this was absurd. How had he got here? How had he managed to find himself in a carriage with someone else's children, with the responsibility to look after them? With Rouland gone he was completely on his own, and the realisation was beginning to kick in. This was it, for the rest of his life he was the guardian to these children. Their wellbeing was his sole concern. He didn't know what he was doing. He'd looked after them before, when...when Caitrin...he'd looked after them, and they'd all survived but he didn't know how to raise them. He was hardly an adequate substitute. For the first time since...he sighed, he was going to have to learn to say the words, or rather think the words "since Caitrin died". For the first time since Caitrin died he realised just how unprepared he was. This was completely foreign territory. Caitrin had always been such a good mother, she was their mother, and now she was gone and he didn't know what he was doing.

“How long does it take to get to Su-S- to where we’re going?”

Arthur's words pulled him away from his thoughts, and to be honest he was rather grateful of the distraction. "Sugales." he corrected the boy with a gentle smile. Home, a place he hadn't been in years, a place that had been hanging over him, threatening him with the knowledge that one day he would be its king. He'd have to leave Camelot to perform his royal duties. He'd have to leave Caitrin, but she'd left him first. How fitting. "A few days. "Do you know what Albion looks like? On a map? Sugales is right on the edge and we're in the middle." He explained, using his hands to represent the two kingdoms before running one of "Camelot" through the boy's hair, his ginger hair, just like his mothers.

He needed to stop doing that, he told himself firmly. He needed to stop thinking about Caitrin all the time, something that would be impossible with her children but he had to because thinking about her, remembering her just hurt, far too much. He couldn't do this, he'd thought he could, he wanted to, but he just couldn't. It was too much to ask, even from her. He couldn't look after her children, Griff's children, and be reminded every single day that the woman he had loved was dead. He wasn't strong enough. He wanted to run, to stop the carriage and just disappear and forget everything. But he couldn't. Caitrin wanted this. She trusted him. He had to at least try before he let her down.

"Are you alright Uncle?"

Esmae must have noticed his obvious distress. Brilliant. Here he was thinking he could just pretend he was fine and no one would notice. He sniffed and managed a smile before nodded. "Yes, I'm...I'm fine thank you." He wasn't going to return the question, it was obvious she wasn't alright, none of them were, well, apart from Ellyn and Catelyn but only because they were too young to understand. So he decided to change the subject and gestured towards the rabbit. "So what's this handsome sir called then?"

[Caitrin de Archer]

Arthur looked out of the window for a few moments before turning back to his Uncle. He knew that Uncle Celyn wasn’t his real Uncle, but his mother had always insisted they all call him by that name. Arthur didn’t mind of course, the only other Uncle he’d ever been introduced to was his Uncle Lucan, as his mother had told him that all her brothers lived far away in Mercia. Arthur had never been to Mercia, he’d seen it on a map, his father had once shown him a map of Albion to show him where his parents had been born. Camelot had seemed so small on the map compared to the rest of the kingdoms combined. So he nodded, almost eagerly as his Uncle asked him if he had ever seen a map of Albion. He felt quite clever that he knew where some placed in Albion were. Then again, he only knew where Mercia and Glouchedon were, because his parents had drilled it into him from a young age. “Which edge?” He asked, before grinning at the fact his hair was being ruffled. He enjoyed the sensation, but he was never sure why. He quickly tried to remember what the directions were on a map, and when he did he felt even more clever, “The north edge? Or the west, east or south?” He recited, as he knew there were a lot of edges to Albion; they were surrounded by sea, and he knew that much. Arthur felt quite smug, and he grinned, something he hadn’t been doing a lot of recently. His twin didn’t really share his euphoria at his own cleverness but instead she was just staring down at her toy, and trying to ignore everyone.

Arthur looked on at Esmae, half wishing she’d just smile, and start chattering away like she usually did. She had been quiet since their parents had gone to sleep, and she was nothing like the sister he’d had before. She was usually the one telling Arthur exactly what to do, or say, and though he didn’t pay attention to her most of the time he felt quite lost without her even though she was right there. Perhaps it was because they were stuck in this carriage. They never used carriages, not really, or at least they hadn’t before. “What is it like in Sugales?” That time Arthur said it correctly, but he didn’t grin. He really was interested to see what their new home would be like. He hoped it would be like their home in Camelot, so he had lots of space to run and play with his brother and sisters, and his parents. He winced. Whenever he imagined them all running in the fields his parents were always there. Usually his mother would be trying to usher them all indoors, but then they’d persuade her to play with them anyway. His father would usually sweep up Alfie and tickle him, or set him on his shoulders, leaving his mother to catch him and Esmae. Arthur was always the quickest of his siblings, but he never outrun his mother.

Esmae looked up as her Uncle finally answered her question. He didn’t look fine, but she didn’t want to say that in case it upset him or made him angry. She had no justification to think either, but she wasn’t thinking straight. For a moment, she thought her Uncle meant Arthur, until he realised he was gesturing at her hands. She giggled, but then almost stopped herself, remembering she was trying to be grown up. She brushed the rabbits ears, “It’s a lady rabbit Uncle.” She replied in as adult a tone as the little girl could manage, “And she’s called Stitch.” The name had been coined mainly because the rabbit had been torn and re-stitched so many times. Esmae had even done some of the stitching on the last repair job. Then, Esmae had an idea. It was completely fool proof of course, “But I think that she’s scared, about going so far from home.” She looked down at the rabbit, before looking back up to her Uncle. He would never suspect it was her she was really talking about.