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In any other situation, Celyn would not believe that he was seeing Rouland de Archer looking thankful and, in any other situation, he would have commented. But now was certainly not the time. He was taking the man's family, after all, and although it was not permanent, Sugalres was a good distance from Camelot and he had no doubt the children would be missed. He stepped back a bit, giving Rouland this last moment his Caitrin's children - the last of his niece and tried to compose himself properly. He was responsible for them now, which meant he had to keep it together. His grief, his pain, his suffering, it would all have to be ignored. He was not going to let Caitrin down in this.

It was already not going well. Esmae had run off somewhere, and it seemed Arthur was convinced she was soon to be forgotten. Celyn looked down at him with an amused expression on his face. Why would he think his sister would just be left? "Of course we will, Arthur. We're not leaving Esmae." He replied reassuringly, and, no sooner had he finished speaking, the oldest Aubert returned, holding a rather old rabbit. The child's mention of her mother stung somewhat, but he wouldn't allow himself to let it get to him now. The children had lost their parents, they needed someone to look after them who wouldn't break down every time their mother was mentioned.

Nothing else was said, and so the small party made their way outside to where Celyn's carriage was already waiting for them. It was going to be a long journey, but he'd tried to make it as comfortable as possible and packed some food and extra blankets. Two servants were now with Catelyn and Ellyn, settling them into the carriage, while Alfie was back in Celyn's arms. Once again, Celyn stood back a little to give Rouland some privacy. He didn't want to think about what must be going through the man's mind now, or how he'd feel when they were gone. It was now time for their goodbye, which Celyn was finding surprisingly harder than he'd thought. He'd never particularly got on with Celyn - no one did, but even so. "I promise. They will all grow up knowing, how much their parents loved them, how much you love them."

There was nothing else to say, and so with a small, sad smile, Celyn awkwardly bowed - Alfie still being in his arms - and walked over to the carriage to sit the youngest son down. He could hear Arthur and Esmae walking behind him and helped them into the carriage before getting in himself. When they were all comfortable he called for the driver to depart.

Celyn could not believe the audacity of the man. He had absolutely no right to just appear, completely out of the blue, and expect Caitrin to talk to him. He had no right at all. He'd left, he'd disappeared, he hadn't cared about Caitrin for months. And now what? He was suddenly back in her life again? Did he think that was acceptable?

It was Celyn who had stayed, expecting nothing in return, simply staying because he couldn't see her alone. He'd watched her completely fall apart. His Caitrin, his strong, stubborn Caitrin had turned into a mess because of this man. A man who wasn't worth it, not at all, not by anyone's standards. And as he watched, not quite hearing what they were saying, he didn't hate anyone more. Even though Caitrin might not look it, or accept it, Griff still had that affect on her. He still managed to make her feel something, something she'd never feel for Celyn. This man had left her broken and yet she still loved him. It was ridiculous and it was wrong and Celyn hated it, what was to stop Griff from leaving her again?

Griff had known this wasn't going to be easy, of course he had. He had no right to expect Caitrin to talk to him, and part of him was suprised that she was. She must hate him - he really wouldn't be shocked. It was all he deserved after all. But she had to know, she had to let him explain that just because he left didn't mean he'd ever stop loving her. He could never stop loving her. But her words cut him and as much as he hated himself for admitting it, he couldn't answer yes. He was a coward by definition, always had been and probably always would be. When things were too much, when things weren't going his way he jut left and never looked back. That's what he'd been trying to do with Caitrin. He could stand there and lie and tell her that of course he would have, that he'd have walked the entire earth to see her, it would have been just that: a lie. But she deserved more than that. She deserved to be looked in the eye too, but he couldn't bring himself to do that. "Probably not, no. And I don't say that because I don't love you, or because I don't want to be with you because I do, Cait. I really, really do." He exhaled and scratched his neck, "I just...I run. And I don't look back. And I know that's not good enough. But...it's the truth."

Again, her words managed to cut through him like a blade because she was right. She was confirming everything he'd known but been too scared of admitting. He couldn't begin to imagine what she'd been through under Morgana's reign, and the thought of her being hurt made him physically sick. "No, I don't. Part of me doesn't want to know." he admitted quietly, he didn't want to hear about the pain she'd gone through, the danger and the fear she'd experienced. He didn't want to see her locked in a dungeon, convinced she was facing death and alone. He wanted her happy and safe and laughing, but her laughter was something he'd probably never hear again. He'd already had that chance and ruined it.

It was obvious she was trying not to cry but she was being so stubborn about it, as always. He was glad, in a way, because he didn't know what he'd do if she cried, he'd want to hold her in his arms and promise her everything would be alright but she wouldn't let him. And then there was the other part of him, angry that she wouldn't cry, that she felt she had to stop herself, even in front of him. It was as if all the trust and love that had once been between them had vanished. He was just some stranger, some old acquaintance, no longer worthy of her tears. "I know that now." was all he could think to say, but the words hung pathetically in the air, just like anything else he would have said. Nothing was good enough for her, for the situation, to stop her crying, to stop him feeling like this. They all just sounded so empty no matter how much he needed her to believe him.

He could only stand there uselessly as she walked back over to Celyn. It was a reaction he had expected but that didn't mean it hurt any less. He didn't want her to go to him, he wanted to her to walk back, to throw her arms around him and tell him she forgave him, that she loved him, that they could go back to the way things were and forget everything that he'd done. But she didn't. She put her faith in another man, and Griff just watched her.

There was an awkwardness as Caitrin walked towards him. As much as he wanted to be there for her, wanted her to know that he wasn't going to leave her, he also knew that if she wanted to try to work things out with Griff, his place was not at her side. But even so, he held her hand tightly and told himself that what he thought and felt and wanted didn't matter. That he would do everything he could to ensure Caitrin's happiness, whatever the cost. "Do you want to leave?" He asked, looking back briefly at Griff. However much he hated the man, he meant something to Caitrin, and if he could make her happy, then, well, then he made her happy.

Celyn's imagined this moment several times, but somehow he'd never imagined it happening like this. In his mind Caitrin would always turn up out of breath and hair all over her face because she'd been running, because she'd made a mistake, because she loved him, not anyone else and he'd smile and invite her in and then eventually they would end up like this. In his right mind he would stop her, remove her hands from his person and tell her that this wasn't going to help at all, but he's not in his right mind, he's desperate to be needed, wanted, desired. So he just continues and forgets about everything other than Caitrin.

He lets her pull him further onto the bed because he doesn't really know what he's doing and he's probably doing everything wrong but he supposes Caitrin is too far gone to care. It takes him by surprise when her hands are underneath his shirt, and his immediate reaction is to tense his muscles. This shouldn't be happening but he can't stop himself instead he lets his own hands explore Caitrin, pushing the skirt of her dress to expose the soft skin underneath. Her skin is soft and smooth and warm and feels strange against his own. He keeps expecting her to change her mind, to push him away, and some small part of him still hopes she will. His pride should be intervening - telling him that this shouldn't be how it happens, with her grieving over someone else, but he needs to lose himself just as much as he does. He needs to forget that she'll never love him and just be with her now.

His hands are shaking slightly, his nerves getting the better of him, but he doesn't let that stop him. The only thing that's going to stop him now is Caitrin changing her mind. So he follows his instincts, leaning forward until they're both lying down, his hands continuing to explore every inch of her they can find. Every time he tells himself to stop, he just thinks how he would regret leaving now. He's taking advantage of her, using her vulnerability for his own selfish means, but she's letting him and with each kiss confirming that she wants this too, she wants him, even if it's just in this moment but it's enough for Celyn.

Celyn wasn't entirely sure what we was doing. Alright, that was a lie, he knew exactly what he was doing - he was making a mistake, a rather large one, the confusion came in the form of why he was doing it. Caitrin was vulnerable and hurting and she didn't need someone like him taking advantage of that. But this is something he'd wanted for so long, something he'd always accepted would never happen. Caitrin would never look at him like that, never touch him like that, and yet here she was. It was completely taking advantage of her but he didn't want to stop.

He tried to convince himself that this was something she wanted, needed even, not because of him in particular, just needed that connection with someone and he just happened to be there. He just happened to have his arm around her, just happened to be kissing her back, to be running his hand through her hair.

After far too much time had passed he eventually broke away from her. What the hell was he doing? This was ridiculous. He needed to keep away from her because he couldn't trust himself anymore. He'd always had so much self-control and now it had all just disappeared. He shifted slightly so they were no longer quite as close and ran a hand over his face. "Cait, I...I shouldn't have kissed you back. I," he sighed. He wanted to kiss her again so much, to run his hands through her hair and not care about anything but her, without guilt, without the fear that he would ruin everything between them. "I'm sorry."

Celyn had always thought Esmae looked like her mother, not just her hair, although that was the most telling, but just the way she carried herself. Even though she was only six, she had the makings of a heartbreaker in her - exactly like Caitrin. She was too much like her mother and only served as a reminder of what was lost, of everything Caitrin would miss. She'd never see Esmae pulling apart every man she saw, never see Arthur become a knight - if he still wanted to, and she'd never really know what kind of people Alfie, Catelyn and Ellyn would become.

Looking at Esmae just reminded Celyn of that spark Caitrin had always had and how much he missed her. He smiled down at her because it was through no fault of her own that she was the cause of such pain, and she was part of all that was left of the woman he'd loved. "We're going west." He replied, "You'll like it there and you can always come back here to visit." Although he spoke to Esmae his words were said more for Rouland's benefit than hers. He didn't want to take the children so far away, but he didn't belong in Camelot, he belonged in Sugales and now that he was the children's guardian they belonged their too. But Rouland had been a father to Caitrin and a grandfather to her children, the last thing he wanted was for this to be the last time Rouland saw them.

Celyn nodded at Rouland's words, although he was certain the man would miss him, he clearly wanted this meeting to be over with. Goodbyes were always hard, he couldn't imagine how Rouland was feeling, having to watch the last part of Caitrin being taken away, but, Celyn reminded himself, this was what she had wanted so in that respect it didn't matter how he or Rouland felt. They were both doing this for Caitrin and not themselves.

“You must have cared for her a lot to do this.”

Yes, he had cared for her a lot. He'd loved her, he'd loved her more than he'd loved anyone and he would give anything for her to still be here, still laughing and flirting with any man that crossed her path and raising her eyebrows in that judgemental way of hers when he was being stupid - or just Sugalen as he'd always tell her, and then she'd just judge him more. He still woke up every morning and for just a moment nothing had happened and she was still alive and still happy, but then he'd remember she was gone and he'd never see her again, and his world would fall apart all over again.

Celyn exhaled and bit his lip, wondering just how he could answer that. There wasn't a questioning tone in Rouland's voice - he clearly already knew Celyn's feelings had extended beyond friendship. "Yes, I did. I...she was Caitrin." He said, because her just being Caitrin was explanation enough for why Celyn had loved her so much.

Rouland left the room, presumably to bring the other children, so Celyn was left with only Alfie and Esmae. He was going to have to get used to them and being responsible for their wellbeing. It seemed like a rather long time before Rouland returned, but it couldn't have been more than ten minutes. Celyn just looked at the children, like Esmae, Ellyn and Catelyn were already starting to resemble their mother. "No, no, thank you." He replied to Rouland, his attention leaving the children for a moment. "If they are all ready we shall be on our way, we have a long journey ahead of us."

Celyn ap Llewellyn was waiting in the solar of Rouland de Archer's home and hating every second of it. The house that used to be full of such life was cold and barren and brittle. A servant was trying to smile at him, but her smile was far too out of place within the grey so he just ignored her and ran a hand through his hair. He shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be doing this. When he told Caitrin, promised Caitrin, he would look after the children should- should, another sigh, should this happen he'd never imagine it actually would. And yet here he sat, waiting not only for Rouland de Archer but for Caitrin's orphaned children so he could take them to Sugales. There was nothing left in Camelot for him, and while the children still had a great uncle in Rouland, and an uncle in Sir Lucan, Celyn decided it would be better to return home. He could offer them stability there and his sisters could help raise them. They needed a maternal figure, they needed Caitrin, but as she wasn't here they were left with Bethan and Eleri.

Jesu, he missed her. Being in her home just made everything all that much worse. She should be here, laughing and teasing and just being Caitrin, making the world brighter, but instead she was lying in the cold, dark, earth. The fever had taken her far too quickly, her and Griff, within a week they had both gone, leaving their five children behind. The youngest, Ellyn and Catelyn, knew nothing of what had happened - they were only two, but Arthur and Esmae understood that their parents had gone, and Alfie knew something was amiss, even if he didn't know exactly what.

Celyn ran a hand over his face. He remembered the moment Caitrin told him she was with child the first time. She'd been so happy, but so nervous, she was finally going to have the family she wanted, and Celyn had been happy for her because he'd always known she would be a fantastic mother and she'd had so much pain and suffering in her short life. The only consolation was that when the fever took her it had been over quickly and for most of it she hadn't been conscious. She'd just slipped away - but it was an uniftting way to go for someone so loud. She should have gone out with a bang.

The sound of footsteps brought him out of his thoughts and he looked up to see a rather confused face looking at him underneath a mess of dark brown hair.

"Hello Alfie." Celyn said, a small smile on his lips, but his eyes betrayed his emotions. Alfie looked so much like his father, so much so that Griff had taken to calling his youngest son Mini Griff. Celyn was sure Caitrin's irritation had only provoked her husband further.

The child shuffled towards him, "Where's mummy?"

It was the inevitable question Celyn had been fearing. How could he possible tell a child that his mother was dead? That his father was dead? He stood up, walked over to Alfie and picked him up. (Normally he'd end up holding the child upside down and threatening to drop him on his head, usually to the delight of Ellyn who, even at two years old, was taking an unusual interest in the distress of others. He'd have to do something about that. Jesu, he'd have to look after them, all of them.) This time, however, he ruffled Alfie's hair with his hand, "Cait- Mummy's...Mummy's not here. Not anymore."

"When will mummy be back?"

"Not yet, Alf." Celyn replied wearily. He just wanted to go back to Sugales now, he couldn't be in the house anymore, not without Caitrin. He couldn't do anything anymore without Caitrin, and yet here he was, about to take on her children. A promise was a promose.


Tagged: Rouland de Archer & Esmae, Arthur & Alfie Aubert (with Ellyn & Catelyn Aubert)
Location: de Archer estate
Timline: A few years after series four
What if: Caitrin and Griff both died and their children were left in Celyn's care

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Celyn had never been terribly good at hiding his emotions. He was rather good at ignoring them and pretending they weren’t there, but it was blindingly obvious that they were there. He couldn’t deny the fact that he loved Caitrin, and he was sure that every time he looked at her he betrayed his feelings. He also couldn’t deny the fact that he hated Griff Aubert, especially when he didn’t deserve and when he hurt her, and how even after everything she’d been through, everything he’d done to her Caitrin de Archer – the strongest woman in the world – was still waiting for him to come back. Even if he did, Celyn was convinced he’d just ruin everything again and leave. That’s what he did. And yet Caitrin would still be waiting. She’d wait forever for him. And Celyn would watch.

It was a selfish thought, but he was rather a selfish person and he couldn’t help but feel grateful that Caitrin was here with him, just sitting here, being so open. Of course he wanted her pain to stop, but he didn’t want this moment to, because when it did they would go back to how they were. He’d have to watch her try and piece her life back together, completely unable to help her, whereas now she needed him and he didn’t want her to stop. He was just holding her, nothing special, it was just what you did to comfort people, and yet it was the most important thing he’d ever done.

“I promise I’ll never leave you.” He replied, a small but sad smile across his lips. Of course he would never leave her, he loved her far too much for that. There had been times when he’d considered it, when he couldn’t stand to see her so happy with someone else, but he just couldn’t leave. What would he do? Wander aimlessly and feel sorry for himself. He was still doing that, but he was still able to see her, and that was worth everything.

Tentatively, he wiped the tears from her face with his thumb. She hadn’t reacted badly when he’d kissed her forehead, so he felt he was able to do this as well. It wasn’t a particularly grand gesture, but at least she’d know he cared about her and that he didn’t want to see her hurt, even if there was nothing he could do about it. “You’ll never be alone, Caitrin de Archer. Never.”

Celyn wasn't exactly sure what he was doing. Caitrin was crying. She never cried. But in a way he was glad she was, she needed to after everything she'd been through. It was stupid to try and keep all her emotions under control at a time like this. And the fact that she was crying in front of him, no matter how much he hated to see her like this, meant that she trusted him. He just wished he knew what to do now.

He wanted to tell her everything was going to be alright, that she was going to be alright, that he would never let anything happen to her again. Hell, he wanted to tell her he loved her. But he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair, not at a time like this. Instead he just stayed there, just holding her and trying to keep himself in check because he couldn't let himself ruin this. She needed him.

Oh Jesu, this was harder than he thought. Just being here, with her, was harder than he thought. And yet she was completely oblivious to everything going on in his head. She was completely oblivious to the way he felt about her, the fact that he would do anything to stop her feeling like this because he couldn't bare to see her so broken.

And then for some reason he kissed the top of her head. Now he only felt worse. It was probably a gesture to far. He was meant to be making her feel better, not...well, not this. He pulled away from her slightly. "I'm sorry Cait. I-I just want you to know I'm here for you."

Hmm. Alright. Maybe that hadn't been the best thing to say given the circumstances, but what did she expect from him? He was not the one to punish her so it was not his responsibility now. And besides, was she honestly saying that if she had been in his father's position she would have acted differently? It was all very well and good her being so righteous but she did not have the responsbility of upholding law and order for an entire kingdom. Maybe when she understood what that meant they could discuss this properly.

"No, it is not because of birth." He replied, trying to keep his voice down, she was starting to irritate him very quickly. "It is a matter of trust. Knights are trusted, people little better than beggars are not. Why don't you tell me honestly, would you believe the word of a stranger over that of a trusted ally?" He raised an expectant eyebrow. If she said yes he would be almost certain that she was lying. She had taken the punishment as an act of loyalty, so to Celyn that meant she would always believe an ally, a friend, over a stranger.

Celyn listened to her words, but they were not enough to convince him. She was a performer after all, she could easily be lying and he wouldn't be any wiser. How was he to know that the Raven Pack was not full of thieves? And how was his father to have known then? Already he thought little of the woman and thought her too quick to condemn his actions but not to understand the reasons, which, incidentally was the thing she was so angry at him for. "You say you are not thieves but I have no proof to suggest otherwise. I say you are a liar, does that make it true? No, not by itself. Words do not speak over actions." He was trying to reason with her, and trying even harder not to lose his temper, but somehow he had a feeling she would not see his logic.