Remember Me [Gwen/Merlin]

[em]

This was wrong, it was wrong - it was all wrong. If Agravaine and Morgana hadn't have got Gwen and Arthur into this mess then they would be celebrating on the eve of their wedding.

He shouldn't be here. His feet hadn't stopped him from walking right to her door though. He hadn't the courage to knock, and she wouldn't have wanted to see him anyway. Everyone had turned their backs on her. He hadn't. Guinevère was his friend, the most loyal and humble and that anyone could ask for.

So why couldn't he just knock on her door and tell her that?

Because he was scared that she would push him away, tell him to remember her. Merlin didn't want to remember. He wanted his friend. He wanted to see her everyday like he always did. He wanted to talk to her, confide in her - even rant to her about Arthur making him do the most horrendous jobs he could find for him. They couldn't have it anymore, no matter how much Merlin wanted it. He didn't believe that all ties had been cut loose. They were still going strong in his mind.
He tried raising his fist to the door, but found that it would just fall limply to his side. After a while he gave in, choosing to sit and wait.

To sit and ponder

To sit and mourn

"There is just one thing, you don't have too but . . . remember me." Merlin shook his head as her words echoed. 'No' he almost choked quietly to himself, but managed to supress any hurt, anger or pain that he was feeling right now.

How could he have not stopped this? Once again his own judgement (and somewhat lack of it) had let him down - and now people were hurt, again. He should've just come straight out with it and raised his suspicions about Lancelot to Arthur. But no - he'd been too much of an idiot to even do that!

Merlin looked over from where he was sitting, to Gwen's door again, knowing that he could never bring himself to knock.

Tagged: Guinevère
Timeline: S4, Ep 9
Setting: Gwen's home, although Merlin's lurking outside.
Music: Jason Walker - Echo (perfect!)

[Guinevère]

How far everything had come. It wasn't the first time she'd been banished, but knew this time there was no coming back. No waiting for Arthur. How could be he apologize to her? She'd hurt him so much. She didn't even know why! One moment she was happy and the next she breaking every vow she'd ever given him! What sort of person did that?

Guinevère was packing her bag, and trying to make sure she took the important things, and left what she could not live with out. She did not have anything to remind her of her father but this house. There was nothing left to remember him by.

She looked toward the window and noticed that it was not dawn yet. Soon, she would have to be leaving. She knew that she would want to be out early enough that no one saw her. Even planning that she half expected her brother to come by. Or someone. She wanted to say goodbye, even if she didn't want to see them again. Picking up her mother's comb, a gift on her mother's wedding day.

Guinevère felt tears on her cheeks. Her mother would be so ashamed of her! Her father too! She wanted to go somewhere where no one knew her! Where she could hide from hearing about Camelot. She loved this kingdom so very, very much but she knew--SHE KNEW--that when she heard of the king taking a wife it would hurt a million times more then this. It would break her.

It wasn't her first time being banished, nor the first time she'd lost him. It was just the last . . .

Walking out of her house sometime just after the dawn, Guinevère put the last bag in her cart, and started it pulling it. She only made it a few steps before she noticed someone moving. looking back she saw Merlin stand. Embarrassed and heart broken she turned away, planning not to stay and talk to him but then she stopped.

Turning back to him she left the cart where it was and reached in to pull something out. Walking slowly toward Merlin she paused a few feet from him. Not sure what to say to him. How to even explain her actions. Merlin should be anger at her! "I kn---" Her voice broke over the tears, "I know I have no right to ask you for a favor . . . . but might I?"

[em]

He'd sat there for hours. Too many hours in his opinion. Still he felt numb and being numb gave his body no chance of movement whatsoever - well apart from running his hands through his hair out of frustration a few times. Why? Just why? and Why was the only question.

He finally saw Gwen's door open, and her emerge, throwing a few things onto the cart before pulling it out from the side of her house and into the street. Merlin rose suddenly feeling his body act on impulse again. He had to see her, to stop her or at least convince her that there was still hope - whether she wanted to believe it or not. He did. He knew for a fact that without Guinevère, there was only a half of Arthur that remanined, and that the other half was now turning back to look at him.

Merlin gave her a painful look. She had to pull her own cart.

He half expected her to at least come to him, but instead she turned and started pulling the cart down the quiet street, where no one could see her or witness the humiliation. Merlin took a few steps forward and was just about to call her name when she suddenly stopped and walked back to him. He gave her a smile, but instead that was turned to confusion when he noticed something in her hand.

"I kn---" Merlin quickly fumbled through his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief and passed it to her. Biting back a few tears himself. He didn't want Gwen to see him cry. "I know I have no right to ask you for a favor . . . . but might I?"

"You've no need to ask" he told her, "I'd do anything for you Gwen - anything at all." He was telling the truth, "If there was anyway that I could've stopped this from happening then I would've done. I tried to convince Arthur to see that this is some kind of mistake - that you still love him and that he still loves you, but he wouldn't listen to me." he shook his head and shrugged as though he had no clue why Arthur had chosen not to listen. "I tried Gwen...really, I did."

[Guinevère]

Merlin handed her a square bit of cloth and she pressed it to her eyes for a moment as she tried to clear them and see Merlin better. Guinevère had not wanted others to see her but she was glad Merlin came. She wanted a goodbye. When Merlin came here, she had been one of the first friends he made, and ever since that conversation between them while he was in the stocks, Merlin had been one of her favorite people.

The knights were like her old brothers, there for her to take care of and turn to for protection. Or were there, when she lived here. Which, she guessed she didn't anymore. . . .

But Merlin was like the brother that was her own age in a sense. While the knights were both older and younger, they filled the role of how she thought older brothers should be. Merlin was the only one that she felt the need to protect. That she felt protected by him. Knowing that they were the same. 'Thank you, Merlin. For everything." For standing up for her, and trying. Yet she knew this was her fault, "I've hurt him. I should have known better, I should have . . . I don't even know why I did."

Holding up what she'd taken from her cart she held it out to him. It was the ring that Arthur put her on finger. "I thi--"It was so hard to let it go. "It was his mother's. Will you give it back to him?" She had not seen Arthur since he walked out of the room. "Take care of him. Keep him safe? Keep YOU safe!" That was important to her as well.

[em]

Merlin shook his head at her words. "You are not to blame for all of this, don't ever think that Gwen." he told her, "Arthur will come around, im sure that he will - he can't live without you, and anyone can see that."

Merlin uncovered what Gwen had just given him. Arthur's mother's ring. He looked down at it and then back to Gwen. "If he hasn't asked for it back then that must mean that he still cares?" Merlin wondered out loud and covered the ring back up. "If you want me to give it to him - then I will". He wondered how on earth Arthur would react to that. He'd already decided that having Gwen leave would 'help' him to move on but Merlin suspected that wasn't the case.

"Take care of him. Keep him safe? Keep YOU safe!"

Merlin half laughed and half cried at the same time. "Don't worry Gwen, i'll make sure that he's safe - I promise." he murmered and put the ring in his pocket, exchanging it for a letter, pressing it into Gwens hands. "Go to my mother's and stay there until I send word. I've explained everything in the letter, so you've no need to relay anything to her that will upset you." he looked at his friend desperatly, "In the meantime I'll speak to Arthur and make him see the biggest mistake that he's just made. I know he's already regretting his actions Gwen, I can see the pain in his eyes, I just need to convince him that you shouldn't be punished like this." Merlin was thankful that the penalty hadn't gone with the tradition of adultery. Death.

Merlin ran a hand through his hair. "my mother won't judge you, but promise me now that you'll go straight to Ealdor and stay there like I told you."

[Guinevère]

"He's not going to ask for the ring back Merlin,: She told him, knowing that Arthur was too good of a man for that, he held too much honor. He's never hurt her the way she had just hurt him. "But it was his mother's. You know what she means to him.He shouldn't part with this." Not with her leaving for good.

Merlin took the ring but gave her a letter. Tears fell over her cheeks when he gave her some place to go! She had not known where to go, or even which way to go. She still wasn't sure she could find Eldor on her own but she knew that at least she had someone to try to go to. "Thank you,"She whispered to him, or tried to over her tears. "This is more then I deserve." No matter what Merlin said. She knew that she'd done wrong, and he was too kind to hold it against her.

She doubted she could stay there, memories of Arthur would be too strong that was the little town where it all started. She liked the comforts of Camelot and feeling how safe it felt, and going there were she was faced with the memories of Arthur so strongly she wasn't sure that she'd ever be able to be strong enough to stay. "I will go there, I will stay for a little while."

"But I also have to be realistic. I've hurt her too badly for him to just change his mind. Th-this-s is g-goodby-ye, Merlin." The people would think him weak, and the other kingdoms would upraise against a weak king. Arthur even admitted that everyone was about wanting her dead. He just loved her too much to do that. "You've been the best friend anyone could ever ask for Merlin. Especially to me. Especially to Arthur."

"I love you. You've been there for me so many times.You will always be my brother, Merlin. Always."

[em]

She was right. Gwen always was. It wasn't in Arthur's nature to ask for something like that back, whether it had been his mothers or not. He nodded sadly, "Alright..." Merlin really couldn't think of anything to say. The situation was so delicate and so unfairly deserved that he just wanted to shout at Arthur about everything that he'd witnessed. With Lancelot, Agravaine - everything that had caused this to happen.

Merlin saw the tears fall from her eyes again as he produced the letter and told her what to do. "This is more then I deserve." At this he shook his head. "You need somewhere to go - I couldn't live with myself if I just watched you walk off with no path....You've been hurt enough, and it wasn't even your fault." He choked, "Please" he begged, "Stay there...not just for a little while but until I have said - I couldn't face hearing from my mother that you had left. I wouldn't be able to find you - Please Gwen, for me." He knew that Gwen was headstrong and would most likely choose to leave after a week or two, but Merlin had to know she was safe, for his sake, her own and Arthurs.

"You've been the best friend anyone could ever ask for Merlin. Especially to me. Especially to Arthur." He bit his lip and looked away, trying to hide his emotions from Gwen. He didn't want to upset her further. "Please..." this came out rather hoarse, "Please...don't go - Arthur will change his mind, I know he will, then you can stay." He looked back at her hopefully. "I love you. You've been there for me so many times.You will always be my brother, Merlin. Always." At this, Merlin shook his head, refusing to believe that he was about to let Gwen just up and leave Camelot because of some mistake.

"I love you too Gwen, Im so glad that I can actually call you Sister." Feeling the lump in his throat rise, Merlin stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. A few silent tears welling up in his eyes.

[Guinevère]

"You need somewhere to go - I couldn't live with myself if I just watched you walk off with no path....You've been hurt enough, and it wasn't even your fault." It wasn't her fault? Guinevère knew that Merlin had to be aware of what she had done! While Guinevère could not explain to Merlin how she had felt out of control and pulled, even as her mind rebelled at the idea--her heart rebelled--she knew that he could not think her blameless. "Merlin, I went to another man on the even of my wedding. How is that blameless?! Arthur has every right to be mad or worse at me. I only pray one day he will find a way to not think of me with so much anger." Because she did not expect forgiveness. How could she expect that from him?

"Please, Stay there...not just for a little while but until I have said - I couldn't face hearing from my mother that you had left. I wouldn't be able to find you - Please Gwen, for me." Merlin was such a good man! Even now when she'd betrayed the king he supported, and the man he called his best friend; he was trying to find the good and hope! He was not turning his back on her, and he was standing by them both and trying to be the best friend either of them could ask for. His heart was so big, and he was so kind. She hoped this did not make things hard for him here. "There are so many memories there, Merlin. I will try to stay, but I can not live on her hospitality forever. I will have to find a job one day, and try to make a living."


"Please...don't go - Arthur will change his mind, I know he will, then you can stay." Stay? She was sent away on pain of death and Merlin had enough faith in everyone that he wanted her to stay. "I can not. You didn't see his face when he told me to leave, Merlin. He was sure. I know him just as well as you, and it's rare when he looked at dead set and sure about something so final. I've hurt him." She cried, "I don't think he will ever move past this. I don't think any of us can."

"I love you too Gwen, I'm so glad that I can actually call you Sister." Guinevère hugged Merlin tightly and held onto him as if she never wanted to let him go. "I can't imagine life with out you in Merlin. Any of you!" But espcally Arthur, and Merlin. Merlin was her brother and friend. More then anyone in Camelot he was on the same level as her. They were both happy and not as strong as the others when it came to fighting. More emotional sorts. How did she live with out her best friend? Who would she turned to for help? What shoulder would she cry on now?

Her actions had cost her more then just Arthur. They'd cost her everyone.

[em]

Merlin looked at her, "Because I know you wouldn't do something like that. Had you loved Lancelot you would have gone to him long before that." he told her, "What you have with Arthur, it's different."Merlin gave a small sigh. "I will make him change his mind - even if it kills me, who knows? I might even get a thanks one day" he chuckled, "but until thenyou're safer with my mother."

"There are so many memories there, Merlin. I will try to stay, but I can not live on her hospitality forever. I will have to find a job one day, and try to make a living." Merlin refused to believe this. That Gwen would settle herself down. What would Arthur say if he discovered her working as a barmaid or whatever - even perhaps moving on to some extent that she would be married to another man?! No That wasn't Gwen at all - her feelings for Arthur were too strong to be broken, even now. "No you won't, because I will bring you back.Arthur will bring you back - I know it may seem impossible now Gwen, but you will be together again one day. I just know it."

"I can't imagine life with out you in Merlin. Any of you!" Merlin hugged his friend a little tighter, slipping the ring into her pocket so as she wouldn't notice. He knew that she would need it, and that it would just make Arthur more upset than he was now. Merlin didn't want two broken people.
"You'll always have me Gwen, and you'll always have Arthur, no matter what you or he or anyone else says otherwise." He pulled away from her and gave her a sad smile. "If ever you need anything, anything at all - all you need to do is ask, and I'll do it for you."

Merlin had said enough goodbyes to friends to last a lifetime, but he didn't think that Guinevère would be one of them.