Sitting Here Tired and Broken (Uther, open)

[kinguthersqueen]

Uther Pendragon was a man of two minds now. He still had times when he was lucid and focused, when he seemed almost like his former self. He wanted to take the throne again, to be the man he had been a year before. He would talk calmly, if still sometimes a bit tensely, with Arthur or Agrivaine, would seem close to normal.

But other times, he still was clearly mad. He ate very little, sometimes because he just didn't care and sometimes because he believed his food poisoned, despite the food tasters' assurances it wasn't. He was thin and gaunt, far too weak looking for his own good. He simply looked tired all the time.

Often, he yelled and cried out, fearing things that were only real in his mind. He failed to recognize visitors, insisting it was Morgana or Nimueh tormenting him again with magic. No weapon could be left near him because he would lash out with it, battling things only he could see and running a risk of harming anyone who came close. Sometimes he was found cowering in a corner of the room, screaming about magical attacks, sweating and panting from nightmares or hallucinations. Gaius's potions helped, but not as much as would have done him much good.

Now Camelot was under attack again, and he could do nothing to stop it. He wondered if he should even care, if he really had any reason to continue fighting. Arthur and Agravaine were there, surely they could deal with it. King Uther was not even certain why he was continuing on, and sometimes wished death would simply claim him already.

[em]

No one ever saw the King nowadays. Since Morgana’s failed attempt to unleash a reign of tyranny across Camelot, the King had taken to secluding himself in his chambers. Often Merlin would see Gwen going in or coming out from the room, she’d taken to caring for him – but insisted that it was for Arthur. He smiled at the thought, dear Gwen – always so kind hearted. Everything was a blur to Merlin. Some days went so quickly he could hardly remember what he’d done or whether he’d eaten. Both Arthur and Gauis had him all over Camelot with various tasks, so he was always kept busy by something.

In his hands, Merlin clasped a vial. Gauis had given him strict instruction to take it to the king that morning, as he was making his rounds in the town. Merlin wondered what on earth could possibly be in it. Morgana’s sleeping potions had never looked like that. He was straying cautiously towards the King’s chambers now. Merlin didn’t know what to expect, for he hadn’t laid eyes on Uther for a while.

His fist connected with the door, giving a small knock before Merlin pushed it open and walked in slowly. The room had a cold feel to it, even if it was a warm day. Then again The King had never been one for sunshine, rainbows and puppies.

“Sire…Gauis asked me to bring you your remedy” he shifted awkwardly to the table by the bed. All he had to do was set it down and leave, but Merlin couldn’t help but look at the King. He barely recognised him. It was like a shell, and empty shell that was still.

Now he had to leave as he knew he’d outstayed his welcome. Merlin headed towards the door and glanced back at Uther one more time.
Merlin still couldn’t help feeling a little sorry for him, even though he shouldn’t. Uther was still human, and human’s had souls. Morgana had already destroyed Uther’s so it seemed, but how many more would it take before she was finally satisfied?

Note: I saw this was open, but if you wanted someone else to reply then I’ll take this down

[kinguthersqueen]

Uther was fairly lucid when Merlin came in. Most of the time, he was tended to by the girl, the one who had been Morgana's maid, except of course when it came to bathing and dressing him, then a manservant would see to it. Uther studied him for a few moments, not saying much of anything. He was a bit curious, and these days, always suspicious of those he didn't recognize or rarely saw, and Merlin was usually busy with the prince.

"Where is the girl? She was not available?"he asked. Luckily for Merlin, he didn't start shouting this time, or accuse him of being Nimueh in disguise. He was not certain it was not such a situation, but neither did he say it was at the moment.

One of the ghost-creatures came out shrieking, and Uther was uncertain if it was real or another magic-induced torment. That *did* start him crying out, pointing, fearful of the apparition, but not able or realizing that he had to move out of its way and fast.

"There! there! They never cease! My enemies will not let me rest!"

[em]

He froze when Uther demanded where Gwen was. The king usually paid very little attention to him (except the times when he’d ended up in the stocks and had covered Arthur’s back on occasions) but it seemed as though he was now wary of anyone unfamiliar who entered into the room.

“She had other duties to attend to sire” He said, not quite knowing if this was true or not, or what ‘duties’ she’d actually gone to perform. “Gauis only sent me to deliver your sleeping draft, that’s it” he shrugged. “I can always go and find Gwen if you want?” he pointed to the door.

Merlin could hear faint sounds – the same he’d heard the previous evening when they’d explored the town that had been slaughtered by the ‘faceless’ ghosts. He hoped Gauis was ok – he was out making the last of the day’s deliveries and wasn’t exactly the fastest of people. Merlin had never even seen him run. The sounds were coming closer now, Merlin edged to the side of the room. He remembered the light had repelled them before, so perhaps it could do so again. His magic was useless so he couldn’t use it in front of the King anyway, even if he wanted to.

An ear piercing scream broke his thoughts as the same ‘ghost’ appeared from nowhere and headed straight in the direction of the king. Merlin sprang into action, grabbing one of the lit torches from its place on the wall and running to shield Uther.
He waved the torch in the direction of the creature until it left them well alone; Merlin knew that they would be back, and in numbers. Something needed to be done and fast – yes Gauis would know about them, but how to defeat them was a different matter. Merlin turned around. “Are you alright sire?”

[kinguthersqueen]

It made sense. He was not her only duty; even with Morgana gone, there was plenty of work to be done. It wasn't important, he was not in great need right now. What he did need, no one could fulfill for him. He wanted Morgana back, he wanted things to be as they were. He did not want to believe she was truly attempting to kill him. He wished he were stronger, that he could go and search for her himself if everything else failed. Perhaps things would be different if he'd done things differently, but it was too late now."No...I will be fine."

He saw Merlin repel the spirit with a torch, and it frightened him more. It made it more obvious that this wasn't his mind. It was real. Someone was using magic against him, and he couldn't stop it. He feared it was her, but he did not know. He could make sense of so little these days, many times.

"I think so. So it is real...not the same torments again. But what...? Someone endangers the whole of Camelot in their anger? It must be stopped...how can it be stopped? Perhaps they will not, until they have my life."

[em]

It was only now that Merlin could see how vulnerable Uther had become since Morgana's betrayal. The fact that he'd become scared of the creatures, rather than stand up to them made Merlin more aware of how easier it could be for his enemies to try and bring him down. "Would you like me to find Gwen?" he asked, "or do you need anything to drink? Gauis has always told me to keep drinking fluids when im down". Why he'd said that, he had no idea. Possibly to make Uther realise that he had a friend in him no matter what had been said or done in the past.

He placed the torch back on the wall, listening to the King as he spoke about the Dorrocca. "I think so. So it is real...not the same torments again. But what...? Someone endangers the whole of Camelot in their anger? It must be stopped...how can it be stopped? Perhaps they will not, until they have my life."

Merlin frowned to himself thoughfully before turning around, "They're real" Merlin told him, "as much as i don't like to admit it - Arthur's currently working on a plan with Gauis to find out how we can stop them". That bit was true, espeically after what the girl had said about her village that afternoon. "We'll find a way to stop them". He finally said, "Everyone and everything has a weakness after all."
He instantly regretted saying these words too. He quickly moved on. "I'm sure it's not your life they want...If it was then they'd have surely got to all of us quicker by now". He tried to make the King feel at ease but Merlin knew that the Dorocca wanted lives. Not just Uther's but everyones.

He poured Uther a drink and passed it to him. "Here..."

[kinguthersqueen]

"I still believe it a means of torture. They wish me to see my kingdom suffer and my people die. I fear it is Morgana..,Morgause...we must do something. Can't help Morgana...not while Morgause controls her. She must be controlling...she would not betray of her own accord. Or could Morgana...NO...I cannot fathom it."

Uther's rambling was a window to what he still believed. He still hated to believe that she was thinking on her own, that she was not enchanted. He was still not certain if Morgana had magic or not, could not imagine she would all these years. If anything happened, it was because her sister was using her.

Uther drank easier than he ate, because like anyone, getting thirsty made him uncomfortable a lot faster than getting hungry. But as with his food, he often feared it tainted. He was struggling again against the paranoia as he studied the drink Merlin held.

"It could be tainted...I can trust nothing. Sorcery and deception...nothing as it seems. One person masking themselves as another, hoping I will take the bait. I no longer trust my senses...they show me no truth. You will drink first. Then we will see."

[em]

Merlin couldn't quite make out what Uther was saying, as he was speaking of all different things at once. Moragana, Morgause, enemies. Wow, he had really been shaken by the whole thing. Merlin listened to him, piecing together what he could. He swallowed - he knew having to lie to the king could get him in trouble, but if it lifted his spirits then what harm could it do?

"You're right" he agreed - knowing full well that Morgana had done this of her own accord and not for Morgause, "She must be under some spell, it is confusing - but im sure that she will come back the same old Morgana that she was."

Of course he was going to think the drink was poisoned - Uther trusted nothing and no one these days. He looked into the cup, shrugged and then drank some of it. He waited for a few moments before spreading out his arms, "See? Unfortunatly for you i'm still here" he grinned and passed the goblet to Uther. Merlin sat himself down on the chair opposite the King, "My mother tells me to keep my chin up, because there are better times ahead - even when it's at the most darkest point of your life."

Note: Hope you don't mind that last part - couldnt think of what to write!

[kinguthersqueen]

"She must. If she does not, we will search for her...bring her home just as before. Would go myself if I could...but it is too dangerous." Uther would eagerly have ridden out to search himself, in both instances with Morgana. Before, it was only pleadings from Arthur and Gaius that had gotten him to accept that he was risking too much going anywhere with the knights when they searched. He had too many enemies and a kingdom still to run. Now, of course, he was too frail and out of it to get very far, so it wasn't as much of a worry.

He watched the boy drink the water, and was satisfied enough after a moment to take a few sips himself. He did hear Merlin's humor, and made a remark back after a moment.

"Sadly. I have no idea what he sees in you. He does well fighting...ruling...poorly with servants."

He was slipping again into the hazy imagined reality of his delusions, and there was a change in him as he tossed the water aside, looking at Merlin with eyes that saw him but not as he really was.

"You are deceiving me again. I was letting my guard down. Just what you want. You will not leave me in peace until I die, and I cannot stop you and your magic!"

[em]

Merlin was pretty sure that Morgana wouldn't be returning to Camelot for a family reunion anytime soon. She was bitter and cold and now Merlin seemed to be number 1 on her hate list after all that had gone on. "No, it's too dangerous - Arthur wouldn't want you putting yourself in danger sire. Camelot needs you here." Merlin agreed. With Uther in the state that he was, Morgana would seize the opportunity to break him even more.

Merlin could feel a small laugh tugging at his lips. "Sadly. I have no idea what he sees in you. He does well fighting...ruling...poorly with servants." with that he shook his head. "Believe me, if i knew why then i'd tell you myself"
Sometimes Merlin did wonder why Arthur kept him around, but he also knew that without one another, they were both lost. Two sides of the same coin. "I guess...I guess I just understand him" he shrugged, "about his choices and stuff...." he trailed off. Having a conversation with Uther so openly like this was awkward enough.

CLANG!

Merlin saw the King toss the water aside quite unexpectedly. What on earth? Did he always have outbursts such as this? Should he call Gwen? He was now being accused of trying to kill him! "I don't know what you're talking about" Merlin looked at him a little shocked, "Believe me sire, if anyone was trying to kill you then they'd have to cross Arthur, myself and the knights first. Trust me - I don't want to kill you." He looked at Uther calmly and with truthful eyes.
There had been a time when the dragon had told Merlin that Uther's time to die had come. Merlin had prevented it - knowing that the King deserved anything but that.

"You're tired sire, you need to rest " he stated, "Which is why Gauis told me to bring you your sleeping draft" Merlin could be going round in circles trying to explain this to the King. "Would you like me to get Gauis himself?" he asked, perhaps then Uther would trust his old friend if he had not gained Merlin's trust yet.

[kinguthersqueen]

"Not in shape to now. Must get stronger first." came the reply. Uther knew he'd never get far now; he got tired just moving around the castle. But he could not give up on the hope that one day, if Morgana did not get rescued by Arthur or return herself, that he would search for her just as he had before, even if he had to do it himself. He did not realize the danger in his troubled mind.

"Perhaps. I do not know. I feel I can trust no one. She changes her appearance, can look like anyone. No one can stop her. The magic is too powerful. She will not stop tormenting me until I die." he replied. It was hard to say if even Gaius could help him in this state. It was not only Morgana who was responsible for this, though no one knew the full story. Morgana had broken him, and Nimueh was finishing the job, driving him even further insane.