What The Heart Tells You [Arthur]

[em]

Merlin had gone against the idea of leaving Arthur in such a state. He was clearly torn between what he thought was right and what he should be doing. Of course, since he'd found the ring - the engagement ring he'd given to Gwen, to be precise - it hadn't left his grasp. Instead Merlin would find him sitting there and turning it over and over in his hands, as though it would somehow magically return Gwen to his side if he wished hard enough.

Merlin wanted nothing more than for his friend to return to Camelot. She was part of Arthur and Arthur part of her. No matter how much the King threatened to Exile him along with her, Merlin knew that Arthur knew that deep down, he was still in love with her. "How can I love someone who betrayed me?" He'd asked. Of course Merlin knew how. Such a strong and rightful bond between two people like Arthur and Gwen could never be broken, no matter how many times or how many obstacles would stand their ground to shatter it.

"You will find her y'know" Merlin commented, stopping as he reached the door. He could tell that Arthur was still sat mentally wrestling with his concience. "I know you sent guards out looking for her around Camelot...but I know that if you look harder - she will be waiting for you - Exiled or not".

Tagged: Arthur Pendragon
Timeline: S4 Ep 11
Setting: Arthur's bedroom - after the ring scene

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur had not slept. He was no where near sleep right now. His mind was filled with so many thoughts, his heart filled with so many emotions . . . that he could not allow himself rest. For the first time, in a long time, he felt utterly alone. This feeling had never quite been so dominant in his life. There had always been his father and Morgana. Then Merlin. And then, Guinevère. And since he'd fallen in love with her . . . there had always been Guinevère. After the loss of one after another, the two that had remained had always been Guinevère and Merlin. The loss of one of them however was weighing heavily on Arthur right now. He had banished her. Never expected to see her again. He wasn't even sure if his heart forgave her. But, he knew that he loved her. And that was what made this entire thing so difficult. He looked down at the ring, as he pulled the string it was attached to so that he could turn it in his fingers. The ring he had given to her on the night he had proposed; the engagement ring.

They could have had it all, they could have been happy . . . yet, she had chosen another. And Arthur had sought to find happiness in another; in Mithian. Yet, he was starting to have massive doubts. He wondered if he had just clouded his mind, judgment and heart with the certainty that he would never be with Guinevère and therefore, might as well find another. This match was suitable, and it would make peace between the kingdoms. Besides, Mithian was an incredible woman. But . . . he did not love her. Never, had he felt so unsure about something. So, confused. He did not look up from the ring when he heard footsteps entering the room. "Have you not slept, Sire?" He didn't answer the question, even though the proper response was no. He did not sleep. How could he? He did not even notice the long silence in between his words. "Is there anything you need?" He needed guidance. He needed advice. He needed . . . Guinevère.

"How can I love someone who betrayed me? Doesn't make any sense." He was thinking aloud. How could he still love her so much, when it was clear that she had preferred another. Shouldn't he just take that as a sign and let her go? Shouldn't he stop pretending that it was him she wanted to be with? Shouldn't he realize that even on the eve of their wedding, it had always been another man? How could he love her still . . . how could he want to be with her still, when she didn't want to be with him. "And how can I make myself love another? Tell me that." How could he just ignore the feelings that had grown and built up in the past several years, expecting to develop the same feelings for another woman? He couldn't. Not in days, nor in weeks, months, or even years. It would never be the same. No one would compare to how he felt about Guinevère. "If there is nothing else that you require, Perhaps --" Arthur cut him off, knowing that he had threatened to exile him -- twice -- but the first time being for mentioning his love for Guinevère.

Yet now, he needed his friend's advice. Because he had never felt so lost before. "I don't know what to do." He admitted in a rather defeated voice. He was so lost; so clueless, and the one person who he had always sought the advice and council of, was the one who made him feel this way. Betrayed and hurt. "I have no idea, what to do." This was not easy for him to admit; for a king to admit. He always had to be sure in his actions, confident. Even if it was a mistake, he had to appear like he knew what he was doing. But in this particular case, he hadn't the slightest clue. Arthur finally turned his head to look at Merlin, breaking the long gaze from his ring to now rest on his friend. "What should I do Merlin?" He asked, genuinely asking him for his opinion, for his advice. The silence drew to a close when Merlin answered his question. "All I know, My Lord, is no one would sacrifice more for Camelot or you than Gwen." He knew that.

She had given him so much . . . but at the same time, it had been clear her loyalty was divided between him and another man. "And if that were so?" He asked, believing Merlin's words. Not holding any doubt in them. Because despite what Guinevère did, he knew she was a truly good person. "You must do what your heart tells you Sire." His heart. That was what Guinevère would often tell him; to follow his heart. And he had. Up until the point she had betrayed him. Up until she had chosen to seek the comfort of another man's arms and lips. How could he trust his heart again? He knew that if he did, then he never would have invited Mithian here under the arrangement of marriage. "What if I don't know what that is?" He asked. How could he trust his heart to tell him what to do? When it had only resulted in hurt so many times before. He felt so confused, so conflicted. "I think you do." Merlin held so much confidence in him . . . and he knew he was right.

He did know what his heart was telling him to. His heart was where it always lay, with Guinevère. And he so desperately wished that hers had rested with him. That would have spared them from so much. But he also knew that one could not control their heart or feelings. Whatever had drawn her to Lancelot that night, was strong enough to trump the feelings she had for him. And yet, he still wanted to be with her . . . so much. "Is there anything else sire?" His tone sounded slightly more, uplifted. As if he trusted Arthur to do the right thing. As if he trusted his judgment and decisions that he made with his heart, rather than with logic. "You may go," Arthur dismissed as he looked intently back down at the ring in his hands. "Thank you Merlin," he added in a sincere voice before his friend left. For he truly appreciated all the help such words had given him. He had expected Merlin to leave, but instead he stayed, and continued to speak.

Saying how he would find her. How he knew that he had sent guards out. Ever since finding the ring, he had sent a few men out to search the surrounding lands of Camelot, to find her. Not to bring her back under terms of violating the banishment -- which he had threatened was punishable by death. But rather, to bring her back home . . . to him. "She was in Camelot," he said pointing out the obvious. Not in a way that was angry that she had stayed when he ordered her away. But more in a way that suggested . . . how he wished he could have seen her. A part of him had wanted her to come to him. Even if he knew it was the most ridiculous notion ever. He looked at the ring, thinking of how the string suggested she wore it around her neck. "What if, something happens to her." What if something had happened to her. The ring showed that she wore it close to her, yet he had found it thrown on the ground . . . and no sign of her.

What if he never got the chance to see her again? He was still hurt, and he knew he was a fool for the decision he was more so leading towards . . . that he may never see her nor marry her. But that was different than having the knowledge that she was dead. He had said that she must take the consequences of her actions, but that did not mean he wished to see her dead, otherwise he would have executed her. But that was, and never would be an option. All he knew was that if something did happen to her, if she died . . . . that was something he would never recover from. With this at least, he had hope -- as preposterous as it was -- but if something happened to her, then he would have no hope. He would feel as if he had truly lost everything.

[em]

"She was in Camelot,"

Merlin heard the hurt in Arthur's words. She had been there yes, but Arthur's voice carried no anger, more hurt that he never got the chance to see her again. Merlin understood that he was angry in the first place when he'd sent her away. He had never agreed with Arthur's desicion but had never spoken up about it, even when Arthur was threatening to exile him as well, but he knew that eventually Arthur would come around and begin to see the mistake that he had made, even if he did not actually admit it. "What if, something happens to her."

He was still toying with the ring, and now it was up to Merlin to say something clever in order to make Arthur's mind ease for a while. Right now it was hard to come up with anything along the lines of "by the way, it was magic that was involved, not lust" that was subtle. "I..." he began. He knew Gwen would go to Ealdor again, so he was safe in the knowledge that she was ok - but he couldn't tell Arthur where she was. No he had to figure his own heart out by himself. "I'm sure she's fine." he nodded, satisfied with his answer but then looked at the ring. He knew what kinds of thoughts could be running through Arthur's mind at the moment.

"Gwen knows how to look after herself, i'm sure that she's safe." he told him. Merlin knew she was, but it was take quite some consolation from him to make Arthur see that. "One day you'll see her again - banished or not"

Notes: Ok well that was rather ooc!