We Might As Well Be Strangers [Caitrin & Griff]

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin wasn’t sure if she believed Griff’s words, she wasn’t sure she could convince herself to believe them. However, they were all that she had to hold onto. This was Griff telling her he wouldn’t run off again, and would it be so bad for her to believe him, and try and make this work? She’d be a fool to pretend she hadn’t missed him. Caitrin had tried to rebuild her life without Griff, and she’d tried to pretend she didn’t need him. None of it had worked, and she’d just become shattered and broken. She had always been so strong, but the last few months had been different. Things had been beyond her control, and she had become a mess. Looking at Griff, he didn’t look like he had handled it much better. They both might have been fighting it, but when Caitrin looked up at Griff, she could see he needed her as much as she needed him. Perhaps that was just a naive hope, but right now she didn’t care. She had wanted him to come back, and though this was unconventional, he was still here, and she could still make this work. “I don’t want to lose you again Griff.” The words slipped out before she could stop them, but she meant every word. She couldn’t forgive him for running away just yet, that would come in time, but she was still hurting and he needed to understand that. “I believe you.” It wasn’t forgiveness, but she was showing she trusted him with this, even if she felt naive for doing so.

Whatever control Caitrin had on her emotions had vanished, and her tears were rolling down her cheeks rapidly. She hadn’t cried this much in months, until her Uncle had got her home and made her explain what had happened. She hadn’t even cried when the child had been born, months early and nothing but a small spec of a human, she’d been too numb and too far gone for tears at the time. Now though, when faced with the father of that little life, she just found herself dissolving. The spirits had taken the life away from both of them, but part of Caitrin knew it was because of the stress she had put herself under before and during Morgana’s reign. If things had been different she would still be carrying the child, instead of feeling the hurt and the guilt that their passing had left her with.

The sensation of Griff’s arms around her shocked her for a few moments, but she quickly settled herself within them. The familiar warmth and comfort flooded her senses, but she didn’t slip her arms around him yet, one arm was awkwardly pressed upwards against her chest, the other was by her side. For a few moments she just let herself take in Griff’s scent, and let herself fall into his embrace. The hand he put through her hair sent shivers down her spine, and she almost felt like she wasn’t shaking as much, because Griff was here. As his grip on her tightened, her head came to rest on his shoulder, her tears soaking the fabric of his shirt. Tentatively, she raised her hands, and slipped them around his waist, but she could tell she was still shaking. It was almost like she was learning how to do this all again, she was learning how to act in front of Griff once more, and trying to be the woman she had been before he had left.

His words of sorry were well received, but all she could do was nod. Words were beyond her as she was still sobbing her sorrows away. She couldn’t stand appearing this vulnerable, but she had no strength to stop her tears, though they were lessening as she just stayed in Griff’s embrace. As long as she held onto him he couldn’t leave her, not again. “It-it was all my fault.” Her voice was high pitched, and a whisper between her tears. Her arms tightened around his waist, and her head finally raised off his now soaked shoulder, “It just happened so quickly.” She was just about able to form the words before her tears came back, and she closed her eyes and found herself in Griff’s embrace again, never wanting to move.

[Griff Aubert]

Caitrin's words shouldn't have been so surprising. Griff had heard her say, on many occassion, that she loved him. She'd agreed to be his wife, until he went and ruined things. But he'd been so convinced that she hated him, that she never wanted to see him again. He'd resigned himself to that fact. He'd told himself that nothing he said would be good enough, that he'd lost all hope. Caitrin would never want to be with him again. And yet, here she stood, telling him she didn't want to lose him again. He'd imagined similar converations like this so many times. He'd always return to Camelot and she'd always run towards him, throw her arms around him and forgive him. And he'd say just the right thing, always the right thing. She'd understand, more often than not she'd slap him, but she'd understand all the same. This was not the conversation he'd imagined, far from it, but it was all the sweeter for it. It was still hope that despite everything Caitrin could come to forgive him.

He wanted to put his arms around her, to kiss her, to hold her hand, to do everything he'd missed out on during the last few months. But instead he just stood there, the gap between them feeling all the wider. "I can't lose you either. I was..." he struggled to find an appropriate word, there were many words he could think of to describe his actions but none he wanted to say in front of her. "I was selfish and stupid and...and everything you didn't deserve, don't deserve." She'd always deserved more than him. She was mad, fantastic, stubborn Caitrin. He was the almost-disinherited second son, a selfish one at that. He'd always known he was never good enough for her, but for some reason, whatever strange reason, she'd still wanted to marry him and then for another strange reason he'd wanted to become a better person for her. Well, he'd failed there, in true Griff Aubert style.

As he held her, Griff could feel her shaking, just as he could feel his shirt absorbing her tears. He didn't know what to do. Once more, Caitrin was hurting and he was completely useless. Nothing he could say would take away the pain, nothing he could do would help at all. Instead he just stood there, holding her, listening to her sobs, his lip still firmly between his teeth. He wanted her to stop crying, to stop talking, to let him continue in his state of emotional ignorance.

Caitrin's arms were around his waist, but he couldn't relish the sensation because she was still talking and he was stood there with his eyes closed, blood from his bitten lip filling his mouth, repeating in his head over and over I don't want to know. I don't want to know. The more she said, the more he'd have to accept and the less he'd be able to cope. Right now he just needed to be able to be there for her. "It wasn't your fault." How could she blame herself? "It wasn't your fault." he repeated, his tone firmer, needing her to believe him.

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Caitrin had...miscarried? But...when had that happened? It didn't make sense. She would have told him. She would have said something. How had he not even noticed? She'd had to go through it all alone and he hadn't noticed anything? He ran a hand over his face. Here was Caitrin, struggling to come to terms with such a traumatic experience and all he could think of was how he didn't notice? But then, that was far easier than thinking about Caitrin losing her baby and not telling him. He just stood there, unable to do anything but watch as the woman he loved fell apart. It wasn't his place to put his arms around her, to tell her everything would be fine, to tell she was loved. She had Griff for that, despite everything the man had done to her, it was still always him. It would always still be him.

He shouldn't even be thinking about this. Yet again he was being selfish and putting his own feelings above Caitrin's. She was hurting and all he cared about was the fact that she'd turned to Griff. Why shouldn't she? He was the man she loved, he was the father of the child she'd lost. Celyn was just the friend. Yes, he'd been there for her when Griff had not, yes, he loved her and always would and yes, he would do anything she asked of him. But that wouldn't change anything. He was the friend, and right now he couldn't even do that because he was too busy hating Griff for leaving her, and then hating him all the more for finding her, for being there, for being everything that she wanted.

He just wanted to leave now. Caitrin might still be in need of someone, but that someone wasn't him and now that it seemed her and Griff had managed to put their mess behind them, for the moment at least, Celyn really wasn't needed. He was just sat there, watching them, hating Griff and at the same time trying not to imagine what he and Caitrin must be feeling right now. It was all just...not his place. He needed some time to get his head around everything that had just happened. Neither of them would notice if he just slipped out to get some air. Leaving Caitrin was not something he particularly wanted to do, but he couldn't just stand there watching them in their grief. It wasn't right, or fair.

With one last glance in their direction he headed outside, only to be met with rain. How depressingly predictable. Still, it was better than being inside so he just kept his back to the tavern wall, trying to keep himself as dry as possible, which wasn't actually that dry. How brilliant, the weather wasn't showing much signs of improvement and he highly doubted Caitrin would be too eager to venture forth into the cold, wet night. It seemed like they were going to be stuck here for a few hours yet at least. In which case it was probably wise to try and get them some rooms sooner rather than later, just in case some of the other patrons had a similar idea. Going back inside wasn't something he partiuclarly wanted to do, neither was interrupting Griff and Caitrin but he was just going to have to get on with it. Celyn had been outside for a few minutes but just as expected they didn't appear to have noticed he had gone. Caitrin was still buried in Griff's arms and the young man was just...standing there...an unreadable expression on his face. Maybe it was the shock, either that or he just didn't care. He hadn't cared about Caitrin for months, why should he start now?

"Look, I'm sorry about interrupting but I think we should get some rooms. It's late, dark and raining." He began, looking at Griff. He doubted Caitrin wanted to be bothered with this. "It's probably best if Caitrin and I stay here..." he sighed, "I suppose you..." He broke off, wondering why he was trying to be so sensitive. Griff had done nothing to deserve Celyn's sympathies. "You do what you want Griff. You're good at that."

[Caitrin de Archer]

As usual, Griff’s words stung as he spoke them. She could feel her tears chocking her throat, and it was getting harder and harder to stop them falling. Her lip quivered, Jesu, this wasn’t the woman Griff had fallen in love with, but he wasn’t the man she had fallen in love with either. They were broken, and fighting to regain some shred of what they had once had. “I-I don’t care what you think I deserve.” She found herself saying, as she took a small step towards him. Her features were softened when she looked upon him, he just looked so different, and so broken, but her Griff was still in there somewhere. She wanted to get him back, she wanted everything as it had been. Was that so much to ask? She’d been through so much in her short life, all she wanted now was for some stability, and for something to be normal in her life. “I just want you Griff, I-I always have.” She needed him to know that, from very early on in their relationship she’d fallen head over heels in love with him. He was the first, and last, man she had ever fallen in love with. Her life without him, for the past few months, had been unbearable. Could he not see that? Could he not see that she had become nothing without him?

Caitrin couldn’t bring herself to break away from Griff’s embrace as he held her tightly against him. She needed this, she’d needed this for months. This had been what she had needed when she had lost the child, she had needed someone to hold her and tell her she was going to be alright. Instead there had just been the cold and dark of the dungeons. Her tears were still running into Griff’s shirt, and she just clung onto him, losing herself within his embrace. She needed this to stop hurting, the pain, the loss and the guilt she felt were still all there. They burned through her and just left nothing but this mess of a woman she had become in their path. He was telling her it wasn’t her fault, but she would always feel like it was her fault. Caitrin’s head was filled with what ifs’. What if she had accepted Morgana in the first place? What if she’d not miscarried? What if Griff had stayed?

Really, she knew nothing could have stopped her losing the child, she knew that. It was a fact of life, but then why did it still hurt so much? One hand dropped from Griff’s waist to hug her middle, she just felt so empty. The other arm clung onto him, her grip was firm, she didn’t want him to leave her ever, ever again. “But it was our child.” Her voice was barely a whisper, and the words were high pitched, but loud enough for him to hear, “I should have done something, anything.” She was clutching at air, but she felt completely useless, she felt like she had let Griff down in a sense. Even if he hadn’t known about the child, she was supposed to have protected it, and she hadn’t even managed that.

Caitrin jumped slightly at the sound of Celyn’s voice. She’d almost forgotten about him, not in a cruel way, all she’d been able to concentrate on was trying to keep this all together, and control herself. She didn’t move her arms from around Griff, but she looked up at Celyn, her tears were starting to slow, and one of her hands raised to wipe the tears off her cheek. Jesu, she couldn’t imagine what Cel would think of her now. Caitrin nodded at what he was saying, it made sense after all. She hadn’t even noticed it was raining, but now she was concentrating she could hear it against the roof. “Do you want to sort a room out now?” She asked Celyn, trying to compose herself. Suddenly she felt quite guilty, she had all but ignored her friend since she had stepped up to Griff. His words brought her sharply back down to earth though, he probably wanted to get to bed, and she had to respect that. Biting her lip as Celyn spoke to Griff, she looked down at the floor for a moment before raising her eyes to Griff, “What will you do?” She asked in a quiet voice, because she was worried in those moments that he would leave, and that all this had been for nothing. She knew she was being silly, but the fear of being alone again was still there.

[Griff Aubert]

Caitrin might not care about what he thought she deserved, but Griff did, because he knew it was more than him. She deserved someone better, someone who could give her everything she wanted and needed, someone who would never let her down and knew exactly what to say and how to solve any problem. Griff had pretended to be that person for a while, he'd even managed to convince himself for a moment or two, but he'd soon reverted to his normal state. He'd run away because that was what he did. It was all he knew how to do, and for the first time in his life it was something he regretted. He could see the consequences of his actions, how he'd hurt her, how everything was his fault because he'd been scared, because he wasn't good enough. He knew that now. He had to accept it. He had to accept it for her.

"I want you too Cait," he replied and took a deep breath and scratched his neck before continuing, "I want you to be happy, and yes, I want you to have everything I think you deserve. And...and that's not me. I said I was a coward, it's not an excuse, Cait, it's really not. It's...it's a fact." Jesu, this was a lot harder than he had thought but he had to continue because he was right, she did deserve so much more than he could ever give her. He couldn't stay and run the risk of hurting her again. That wasn't an option. "I love you, I really do, but I can't promise I won't leave again and I can't promise I won't hurt you. I want you to be happy, but I can't be the one to make you so." He hated himself, and he hated her for making him feel like this. He hated her for being everything, for making him realise that he was never good enough, but he couldn't do this. He couldn't be the man she wanted, deserved, needed, anything. He'd only hurt her again if he stayed.

His arms were still around her, but he felt numb, detached because he was making himself feel that way. If he let himself feel anything else, or anything at all he'd change his mind and he'd stay. Caitrin needed him now, and he would be here for her but he couldn't continue. He needed to break away from her, from this need to be with her, otherwise he'd just end up hurting her and destroying himself. "I know." the words sounded hollow, he wanted them too, he wanted her to think he didn't care so she'd push him away, so she'd hate him again and make him leave. She'd push him away instead of trying to pull him closer. She'd make it easier for him to just disappear. And she'd move on too, she'd find happiness and love. She'd be better off. She just needed to hate him first, and he needed to make her.

He looked up to see Celyn approach them, he hadn't noticed the man leave. He still wasn't happy about his being there, but he could hardly voice such opinions now. It seemed like he couldn't just leave then, he was stuck here for the night at least. This wasn't the plan. He needed to leave now while he still had the willpower. If he stayed longer he'd just change his mind and beg Caitrin to forget everything he'd just said. This was all going wrong. "I...erm, I should...I should probably leave." He was already regretting this decision, but his desire to save Caitrin from any more pain at his hands was stronger than his regret, and even if he did want to say, she probably hated him by now.

[Caitrin de Archer]

In her innocence maybe, Caitrin had thought she had known Griff completely. Of course she knew they would have little secrets, but she had thought she knew how his mind worked, and why he thought what he did and other such nonsense that people claimed when they were in love. Now, it seemed silly to even think that he had been in love with her. It had been months since he’d left, and she’d suffered and he’d drunk himself into oblivion. She had him now, and she couldn’t lose him. If she lost him here then she lost everything; her betrothal to Griff was keeping her safe in other ways as well, other than just being a precursor to marriage. It kept her safe from her father’s reach.

It was hard to stomach everything Griff was saying, how could he know he would hurt her again? Jesu, all this out of some stupid argument. It was a lover quiff, she was sure they could overcome it, she wished to, so why was Griff fighting so much? “I fell in love with you because of who you are, not what you were pretending to be.” Did he think her ignorant of everything which had ever passed between them? Griff had never admitted to being a coward, but the fact he never took up arms suggested that fact. As for the running, well, he had run away once towards her, and then again away from her. “You don’t have to leave again.” Her voice was becoming a pathetic whimper, but she was clutching at straws, she loved Griff; he couldn’t leave her, “I love you Griff, I don’t know what to say to make you understand it but I do. And whether we have another week with each other, or thirty years, its better than nothing.” She was half pleading with him now, Jesu, she hadn’t even begged for her own life in front of Morgana, “Please, Griff.” Now her voice was a whimper, and it just hung there, as a tear ran down her cheek.

[/i]He knew?[/i] The words swam round Caitrin’s mind until they had gained momentum, how could he possibly think he knew a fraction of what she had gone through all alone in the dungeons, with only the guards to hear her screams of fright and terror. She broke off from Griff, and just looked at him, and found she was shaking, though it was no longer from the nerves. She had been expecting more than this, all she wanted was for Griff to tell her it was all going to be fine, that tomorrow would be brighter, but it felt like he was bringing all the raw emotions back. It was probably wrong to direct it at him, but his words had just sounded so pathetic, she had gone through hell and he had been here getting drunk and...and Jesu knows what else. Griff could come and go as he pleased, but Caitrin would have to live with the scars from her experience for the rest of her life. “Do you care?” Her tears were catching in the back of her throat, but her voice was high pitched, and showed no signs of her calming down anytime soon. “I was chained up like some animal, stripped of my titles, my home, my dignity and placed at the mercy of that witch.” Her voice was becoming less upset and yet angrier by the second, “And at the end of all that, when I thought there was some hope I might get out of it all alive, and intact, I was writhing around on the floor in a pool of blood.” If Griff wasn’t going to care, she would at least make him share her burden; that guilt would never leave her. “So what exactly do you know?” She asked at last, tears welling in her eyes but stubbornly refusing not to fall.

So that was just it. He was leaving. Caitrin just looked on at him, a mixture of emotions flooded through her that she didn’t really care for at the moment. Her heart was sinking in her chest, and part of her was telling her to let him go, after all he hadn’t come back to her, he didn’t care about their child, and he wanted to leave. As much sense as that made, her emotions were taking over her wisdom, “Why are you doing this to me?” She asked him blankly, her emotions felt like they were being drained of life; there was little else to give, “You just told me that you love me, yet you’re still leaving me. To what exactly? What do I have back home?” She had nothing. Her reputation was not welcomed at the courts much, and it had not earned her many friends. “When my father hears of my betrothed running away, he’ll have me back to marry me off to one of his friends. And when you see me next I’ll have another man’s child in my belly, and a loveless marriage. But of course that’s the better option, because you’ll feel better about it all. You’ll have done the right thing.”[/blockquote][/color]