We Might As Well Be Strangers [Caitrin & Griff]

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

It was a beautiful evening, the sun was just setting, there was a warm breeze in the air and, because it was spring and therefore full of that promise of new life and hope, the forest floor was scattered with daisies and lavender, and other flowers that made the scenary even more idyllic. But Celyn ap Llewellyn didn't care about that. He only cared about Caitrin, and right now, despite his best efforts, he was finding it increasingly more difficult to care about anything else. He loved her, that much was obvious. But she didn't love him, that was even more obvious. He loved her more than he had ever loved anyone, and probably more than he would ever love anyone again, and she was still in love with Griff Aubert - the man who ran away, the man who didn't deserve her. He wasn't so arrogant as to say that he did. He didn't either. No, Caitrin deserved someone much better than either of them.

They were walking through the forest because it was quiet and away from Camelot - a place that held far too many memories. Even those that had been cherished had been tarnished, especially for Caitrin. It had been in Camelot that she had first met Griff, and there that he abandoned her too. But the forest was different. The forest was where they had first met - Celyn and Caitrin, when he'd been hiding from Ifan and she'd been walking. She'd been the most infuriating woman he'd ever met, so it seemed only natural that he should fall completely and utterly in love with her.

He was trying to cheer her up, but it all seemed rather futile given the circumstances. But he was there for her, like he was always there for her, even if all he could do was take her away from Camelot for a few hours. They should probably be heading back soon - it would be getting dark soon, but neither of them had been ones to follow the rules and he wasn't quite ready to take her back yet. Their walks were the only time they were alone nowadays, and he wouldn't give them up for the world.

Normally they walked in silence, which Celyn didn't mind at all about. Just being with her was enough, although he was having to clench his fist to stop his hand reaching out for hers. He had to bite his lip to stop himself saying anything he'd regret. He had to pretend he didn't love her, pretend there was nothing between them other than a friendship because even with Griff gone he didn't stand a chance. But no matter how much that hurt him, he'd never leave her. She needed him right now. So he would clench his fists and bite his lips and strive to be the man who could make everything alright again.

"Are you thirsty?" He asked, breaking a rather long silence. He needed a drink. "I think there's a tavern not too far from here, unless we're lost again..."


Tagged: Caitrin de Archer and Griff Aubert
Location: The woods outside Camelot, and then a tavern
Timeline: A few months after the series 3 finale

[Caitrin de Archer]

The spring air began to tug and play with Caitrin’s hair in the light breeze, and she brushed it back behind her ears, and raised her eyes to the forest path once more. She’d been walking more and more recently. Usually she enjoyed the thrill and pace of horse riding, but it seemed now that a walk was a much more attractive pastime. She could take it at her own pace, and enjoy the peace which her footsteps on the ground brought her. It was the one time she could gather her thoughts. When she was in Camelot all of her emotions came to a head, and she could never think of anything but Griff. Everything just seemed to remind her of him, and she was becoming weary of it. The raw emotion was still there, in her head she was still replaying the moment when he had walked out of the door. She wanted to go back to that moment, and tell him that she was sorry, and that she loved him.

It was stupid; she was stupid for even thinking such things. Griff was gone, and that was the end of it. He was probably back at home, another woman on his arm, without even giving her a second thought. She should have gone with her head when she had first met him, and not let him get to her. But she hadn’t, she’d let him into her heart, and now she was finding it hard to shift the feelings she had formed for him. He’d been gone for months, and he wasn’t coming back, so why could she not get him from her mind? She’d awoken so many mornings to the raw heartache of just knowing that his grin wasn’t there to greet her when she opened her eyes. Jesu it just ached so much. As hard as it was, Caitrin knew that she still loved Griff, and that she would never stop loving him.

Running her hands through her hair, she forced herself to carry on looking up. No, she didn’t want to think of him now, because this was her time with Celyn. She looked up at him and gave him a soft smile, even though it was futile, she knew that he knew all was not well. She was becoming paler by the day, and she felt a lot frailer than she had done a few months ago. Celyn had gone beyond the line of duty where friends were concerned. He was just always there for her, he was someone she knew would not flee from her side, and she truly appreciated that. Caitrin was sure she didn’t let him know enough how much he did mean to her. After Griff had left, Caitrin had felt so alone, so isolated. But Celyn, in his own little way, had taken her hand and he had kept her going through the past few months. He was starting to show her that there was so much more out there.

Celyn finally broke the silence Caitrin hadn’t really been aware was there, and it took a few moments to realise what he was saying. It was only then that she realised the chill in the air, so a drink by a warm fire was probably the best solution. In a rather bold move, Caitrin linked her arm with Celyn’s, so her arm was linked in the crook of his elbow. It wasn’t conventional of course, but from the start of their friendship, neither she nor Celyn had adhered to the rules of socialisation. But she liked it like that; he was a complete breath of fresh air sometimes. “We’ve never got lost before.” She protested softly, trying to act like everything was fine. She just needed some normality now. “I’ve always known where we were.” That was only a small lie, because they had always got back home in the end; they had never been lost for too long. “I think the tavern is around here, somewhere.” In truth she had no idea, she only thought that the tavern was close by, but as they continued to walk, she could see a small building appearing in the distance, and she wondered if that was the tavern which Celyn was talking about. Oh well, there was only one way to find out.

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

It shouldn't matter quite so much when she links her arms with his, but it does, despite everything he's told himself. He's being ridiculous (and embarrassing because really, who makes this much of a fuss about a silly little thing like this?), and he's only going to end up feeling worse. But it does matter. It matters to him. She trusts him, and she enjoys being with him, and that's worth...well, it's not entirely possible to put it into words. But it's there, and that's what's important.

Celyn laughs at her words, feeling a lot happier now that the mood has been lightened. He's never really asked her about Griff, or about what happened and it's not in her nature to throw her feelings at people, but he knows that when she's quiet and has that look about her, the one that you can only see if you know it's there, he knows that she's thinking about him. Naturally it hurts. It hurts more than anything to know that the woman he loves is thinking about someone else. He'd learnt to live with it, to pretend that he was happy for her (and some part of him was genuinely happy for her), but now...he hates the fact that she thinks about Griff. He hates the fact that she's still in love with him. Not because he's selfish, not because he thinks she should be thinking about him - the one who stayed - but because she was thinking about a man who couldn't care less about her. She was wasting her life waiting for a man who was never coming back, a man who'd probably forgotten all about her by now. He wanted so much to tell her that Griff wasn't worthy any of this, that she was so much better than this, that she could move on and find happiness, but he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to say any of that because he knew as soon as he started he'd tell her everything, and ruin everything too.

So he didn't. He repressed his emotions as he always did and raised his eyebrows at her, trying to find some normality again. "Oh you have, have you?" Needless to say, he wasn't convinced at all. "What about that time we ended up walking into that weird market and almost being sold a goat? Weren't we lost then? Or did you just decide useful directions would be boring?" He thought that was a rather good argument, but now doubt Caitrin would find something to turn into proof of her own correctness. She had an annoying habit of doing that. To at least try to attempt that he continued talking - although she would only interrupt him if she felt the need. "Is that it over there?" They were coming to the outskirts of the forest now, and up ahead he could see the small building that looked rather tavern-like to him. Having said that, he'd thought that once before. It hadn't been fun. "I ask because you know exactly where we are, obviously."

[Caitrin de Archer]

It felt strange to be linking her arm with Celyn’s, but not in a bad way. It was more because she had had a lack of physical contact with anyone else since Griff had left. She hadn’t wanted to let anyone else near her, because she knew that she couldn’t take it anymore. The heartache was too much. Here she was, Caitrin de Archer, hung up over a man she had sworn to herself she would never allow feelings to grow for. She had always been so guarded, her defences had always been so high, and the one time they had been lowered this had happened. She should have stuck to her original thoughts, and just stayed how she was; flirting with men but never letting them past the first few words. It had always been safer that way. However, none of this was Celyn’s fault, so she kept her arm firmly around his, and gave him a soft smile. For now she felt safe and secure with him. She trusted him with many things, and for now her emotions too were in his hands.

Caitrin forced a soft laugh out as Celyn’s lips rippled into laughter. To her, her emotions felt so hollow. She just felt like she was empty, almost like she was no longer the Caitrin that she and everyone else had known. She needed this torment to end; it was making her ill both physically and mentally. Her relationship with Griff had been so intense, and then to have that snatched away and be forced to live out life like he had never been in it was all but unbearable. She began to play with some odd strands of her hair with her spare hand as she listened to Celyn’s words. This time she felt a softer, more genuine laugh caress her lips, and she looked back up to her friend, trying to look happy for his sake. “Well like I said then, walking around in the abyss was getting boring.” She pointed out, “And you can’t say that it wasn’t an interesting afternoon. I was sure we were going to be taking that goat back to Camelot with us.” Now that had been quite a humorous image to behold. The sales woman had been quite insistent that they took the goat, Caitrin had no idea why she had been so keen to get rid of her livestock, but it had taken her and Celyn half running away from the woman to get her to stop trying to inflict the goat upon them. She had taken Celyn’s hand and just suggested running for it, through the havoc of the markets, and it had worked and of course they had both just collapsed into laughter.

Raising her eyes to the tavern-like building which was emerging in front of them, Caitrin nodded up at Celyn and rolled her eyes at him. “Well as I do know where we are, I know that it is the tavern that we were seeking.” That much was obvious, because it defiantly looked like a tavern upon closer inspection. Perhaps in her more energetic frame of mind she would have suggested a race, or she would have probably just run off or done something equally as unconventional. But no, for now she was just content to walk with Celyn, and enjoy his company. She did however give his arm a soft tug, so she was directing him towards the tavern with a soft smile. She was almost forcing herself to try to act like herself, just for him. Caitrin wasn’t so much of a terrible friend that she would ruin this walk out with Celyn because of her emotions. No, she wasn’t going to ruin the mood. He had made the effort to take her out; he had reached out to her when it had felt like everyone else had turned their back on her. She pressed her lips together and had a small idea. With her spare hand, she pulled the cloak of her hood up and looked back to Celyn. The hood was a bit too big for her, so it covered her eyes for a few moments so she raised her head a little so it fell into a more comfortable position and she finally managed a smile back at Celyn. “But perhaps we should sneak up on it, in case it is something more sinister.” Because of course the hood of her cloak was an adequate disguise, but it was the thought that counted.

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn could tell when Caitrin was happy, when there was nothing bothering her and she was laughing and teasing him without a care in the world. This was not one of those times. Despite how much she tried to appear fine, he knew she wasn’t and no amount of reminiscing about goats was going to change that. He also knew what would make everything better, or rather who would make everything better. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t even someone who deserved her. That was the worst thing. Celyn could be happy for Caitrin if Griff was half the man he should be. As it happened, there was no one Celyn had quite so much contempt for.

It seems neither of them are wholly invested in the conversation, but Celyn continues with it because it’s easier than saying what he really wants to and he’d much rather she was thinking about goats than Griff. “Well it’s a good think we’re both fast runners.” It’s a slightly hollow comment though, as the pair of them just carry on because it’s better than walking in silence. Silence would allow Celyn to think, and he doesn’t want to do that.

Luckily, before the goat can fail them completely they reach the tavern. He steps forward and pushes the door open and waits for Caitrin to go inside. Normally she’d tease him about it (because she teased him about everything) and remind him that she was perfectly capable of opening doors for herself, at which point he would remind her that he had been brought up a gentleman.

He followed her inside, finding it to be quite a busy place, but luckily they found a table away from the noise and commotion. Something told him she wouldn’t be in the mood to socialise. Neither was he. He just wanted a drink and for Caitrin to feel happier. He’d barely sat down when a blonde woman came over to ask what they wanted. “A tankard of ale for me,” he looked over at Caitrin expectantly and waited for her to choose a drink.

[Griff Aubert]

At the moment, Griff Aubert was actually feeling rather sober, but he was probably already half cut. Not that it mattered that much anyway. These days everything in life seemed to fall into two distinct categories: Things That Happened Whilst Drunk and Things That Happened Whilst Sober. Somewhere in the middle hangovers and passing out were shoved in, but they were less memorable occasions. Right now he was bordering between the two, which meant he needed another drink. That wouldn't be a tricky task to accomplish - he'd already managed to get three pints from the young blonde. He just needed to flash her a grin and another drink would appear in front of him. Sometimes he didn’t know how he did it. But then everybody had to be good at something, and he’d failed fantastically at everything else he’d attempted.

Once again, he found his thoughts wandering off somewhere he didn’t want them to. They should really know better by now. Part of him didn’t want to give Caitrin up just yet, so despite how often he tried to drown his sorrows they just carried on. He’d told himself and told himself that he didn’t need her, or even want her, and even if he did, which he didn’t, it didn’t matter anyway because she didn’t want him. She’d made that very clear. Sitting here wasting valuable drinking and/or flirting time because he was thinking about her wasn’t the way to carry on. Gwaine had been right. Life was, after all, for living and all that other stuff his brain kept repeating.

He ran his hands over his face, banishing all thoughts of Caitrin from his mind and deciding to put all of his attention into the blonde. Where had she gone? That was annoying. He couldn’t be charming if she wasn’t around to appreciate it. He bit his lip, trying to look for her without making it obvious that he was looking for her. It was only a passing interest... Ah there she was. With someone who looked a bit like, no, he was being stupid. Or delusional. Or just drunk, which was probably the most likely. Caitrin wasn’t there. He was seeing things. Maybe he didn’t need that new drink after all, but the blonde had already walked over to him so it would be rude not to ask for anything.

“Did you want another one?” She asked, hand on her hip and looking down at him with what she hoped was a seductive expression. It really wasn’t, but Griff didn’t particularly care.

“It’s like you read my mind.”

“It’s not the only thing I can do.” She replied with a wink before walking off to get his drink. Griff watched her go, a small smile forming on his lips.

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin was trying so hard to be happy for Celyn, because she didn’t want to spoil this afternoon with him. She knew that it wasn’t working, just because of the way he was being with her. Usually it was fine, usually they were teasing each other, and running around doing things which other nobles would only turn their noses up at. They were both usually as bad as each other, and it always just brought them back to their first encounter in the forest. Looking back at it now, Caitrin realised how simple was back then. They had just been themselves, and had enjoyed each others company. Looking up at Celyn she gave him a small smile and carried on looking at their destination. A drink would probably help; that was what her Uncle always resorted to anyway, so it had to work in some sense. Plus it would be nice to sit with Celyn for a while. Caitrin found that she needed to distract her thoughts or else they kept returning to the same topic.

As Celyn pushed the door open for her she raised her eye brows at him, and hollowly joked, “I can open a door by myself you know.” Winking softly at him, like everything was fine, she just walked into the tavern. Taking off her travelling cloak, Caitrin headed for an empty table in the corner. Usually she would be one for company and society, but for now all she wanted was a quiet drink. Everything had almost seemed to lose its appeal. In a way she just wanted to be left alone with her grief; that way she wouldn’t have to drag Celyn down with her. She felt guilty enough as it was by doing that.

Forcing a smile onto her lips, she forced her eyes to Celyn’s. She couldn’t understand why he was here, or even why he was making the effort with her. She hadn’t been good company for months, and she knew that. Not that she was complaining of course. Celyn filled the void that had been left in her life, he was helping her to get out of the estate and start living her life again. She knew it would never be the same life she had held before because he wasn’t in it. As Celyn began to order his drink, Caitrin looked up at the waitress and just quickly replied, “Just some wine please.” When in doubt, go with Rouland’s coping mechanisms. It had always worked for him after all.

She felt like she should say something; anything just to break the silence she and Celyn had fallen into once more. She smiled gently at him and found her eyes wandering around the tavern, trying to avoid making a generic boring remark. “I’ve never been in here before.” She admitted. Caitrin was never really one for taverns. Griff had been, but Caitrin could never see the appeal; she preferred feasts and dances, “Although I’m glad it’s not too busy-“ Caitrin cut herself off straight away and her eyes widened and almost instantly she felt sick. Her eyes had been following the waitress who had asked her for the drink, and now naturally her eyes had come to rest on the man she had been speaking with.

At first Caitrin figured that she had to be mistaken; why on earth would he be so close to Camelot? And so close to her. He had no reason to stay, so why hadn’t he left the Kingdom with another woman on his arm. That was what she had imagined him doing; she had just imagined she was another in a long line of women to fall for Griff Aubert’s charms. Torn between shock and anger, Caitrin felt herself chocking up. It was him; it was defiantly him. How could she forget the face that she had woken up next to on so many occasions?

Then she wasn’t sure what to do. She had dreamed of him coming back to her since the moment he had left. Thoughts of him, and the time they had spent together had kept her going throughout her time in the dungeons of Camelot. Reality had become so unbearable that she’d learnt to live in her day dreams, and now he was here she wasn’t sure she had the strength to let him back into her life. Feeling her eyes water up she brushed her eyes with her sleeve, trying to not make it obvious to Celyn that she was getting upset. She looked back to her friend, feeling as if she owed him sort of explanation and she looked back at Griff, the man who she had imagined spending the rest of her life with, the man who now she was almost scared to approach. “It’s Griff, Celyn.” She chocked and looked down at the table briefly before looking back at Celyn, “He’s over there.”

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn should have returned her comment about being able to open the door with his own, but he didn't. Instead he just smiled. She was making the effort for him, and although he'd told her time and time again that she didn't have to, he did appreciate it. It was times like this that reminded him how brave she was. Even now she wouldn't let the world know there was anything wrong, she just carried on with it.

Now that they were inside he began to feel more relaxed. Maybe it was the alcohol. Whatever it was, he was glad they could sit down. It might give them the oppurtunity to have a proper conversation about everything. He knew no matter how Caitrin tried to act she wasn't fine at all. Normally he let her get on with it - she wouldn't take any advice he offered anyway, and who was he to question someone else's coping mechanisms? But this was important.

Rather selfishly, he remind himself that it affected him. He had to sit here and tell her everything was going to be alright, and watch her fall apart over another man, all the while hiding his own feelings. Ah yes. His own feelings. Because everything wasn't complicated enough without him having to be in love with Caitrin. Of all the people in the world, he had to fall in love with her, and then watch someone else break her heart. It was times like these he wished he didn't love her at all, he wished she was nothing more than a good friend. He could sit here and offer advise and try and help her through everything without thinking that she could be happy with him, and that no one would ever deserve her because she was everything exciting and adventurous about life.

"It's Griff, Celyn. He's over there."

For a moment or two, Celyn just stared rather blankly at Caitrin. He'd been too absorbed in his own thoughts to really listen to what she was saying. He remained almost completely still, trying to work out just how he felt about this. Well, first there was the obvious confusion. It was one hell of a coincidence. He didn't want to turn around, because he'd see Griff, and he'd probably look happy and Celyn would be even more angry at him. But he did turn around, fists already clenched. "What the hell is he doing here?"

How the man could just sit there looking so damn pleased with himself was beyond him. Did he not realise how much damage he had caused? Well, if he did he probably didn't care. Griff, Celyn thought, had always been self-obsessed so it was no surprise that he wouldn't give a damn about what he'd done to Caitrin. Well Celyn did, and he wasn't just going to sit there and do nothing.

"I'll be back in a moment," he muttered to Caitrin, not really concerned with whether she heard or not before leaving his seat and making his way over to Griff. He didn't know whether the man had spotted them or not. Celyn wouldn't be surprised if Griff was deliberately ignoring them. It would just prove Celyn's opinion of him correct. He approached him rather slowly, not wanting to draw any attention to himself, well not yet anyway. Once he reached the man he wouldn't care about whether he was making a scene or not. Eventually he reached him. Either Griff was really good at ignoring people, or he was too unobservant to notice him. Celyn didn't particularly care which one it was. "Griff? Is that you?" He smiled down at the still seated man, but didn't give him time to answer before he pulled him by his shirt out of his chair.

"C-Celyn?" Griff hadn't been entirely sure what was happening until he was now face to face with the man. What on earth was he doing here? And why was he holding onto his shirt? Needless to say, Griff was confused. "What are you-"

Celyn didn't give him time to finish his answer before he let go off the man and punched him squarely in the jaw. Griff staggered backwards, managed to trip over the chair, and fell rather unceremoniously on the floor. Celyn didn't notice this, however, he was too busy shaking his hand. Who knew punching people in the face hurt so much?

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin was forcing her eyes away from where she knew Griff was seated. Why did he have to be here? This was supposed to be her time with Celyn, this was supposed to be about getting over him, and moving on and seeing past the life she had once held with him. She didn’t want to look at him getting on with his life, because then it made the fact that she was no longer part of that life more realistic, it showed her how pathetic she was to think that he was ever going to come back for her. He had clearly moved on with her life, yet she was still unable to move past their time together. She sipped back some of her wine, trying not to get upset in front of Celyn. She was Caitrin de Archer, and she certainly wasn’t going to allow herself to get upset in front of everyone. It was bad enough that she knew Celyn could tell that something was wrong with her without her going and proving it.

Her eyes quickly shot up as Celyn got up from the table, and Caitrin just froze, unsure of what to do. He’d muttered something but she hadn’t heard what it was. She didn’t move, instead her eyes just followed Celyn as he moved over to Griff. Of course that forced her to look at the man who she would in truth just rather forget. Remembering everything they had been together was just causing her nothing but pain, because he hadn’t come back to her, he’d just left without a word and this was the first Caitrin had seen of him since then. Even as she looked upon him now, even after all the pain and anguish he had put her through, she still felt her stomach turn at the mere sight of him. It wasn’t fair, she had tried to tell herself so many times that she didn’t love him, and that she was better off without him but it was a hollow life. Their lives had become so entwined that life without him seemed unbearable. He had brought so much to her life and then there had just been nothing; the emptiness had followed, along with feelings of utter loneliness. She’d been alone in the dungeons and no one had cared; no one had come for her. Griff didn’t know what she’d been through, he probably didn’t care either.

Caitrin half jumped out of her chair as Celyn drew Griff out of his chair, and she rushed forwards, with the full knowledge of what was about to happen moments before it happened. As Celyn’s fist collided with Griff’s cheek, Caitrin could feel the whole tavern turn to the scene which was unfolding in front of them. Caitrin didn’t blush, it wasn’t in her nature, she just felt flustered, and for one utterly bewildered. What on earth was Celyn doing? This wasn’t like him at all, he always seemed so carefree, like nothing ever bothered him, much like herself. But then again, perhaps that was only an illusion, but she just stared on at him, instead of looking at Griff writhing around on the floor. She couldn’t speak for a few moments, and she stood to the side of Celyn, still not incredibly sure she knew what was going on. “Celyn, what are you doing?” Well it was obvious what he was doing, what wasn’t so obvious was why he was doing it. He was a close friend yes, but she hadn’t expected him to react to Griff like that. What the hell was he doing?

While she waited for Celyn to answer, her self control lapsed, and her eyes dropped to where Griff was still on the floor. Without realising what she was doing, she felt her eyes lock with his, and instantly regretted it. Her heart rushed with a mixture of feelings, and she began to feel even more annoyed with Griff. Why had she let herself fall in love with him? Look at where it had led them all. Biting her lip nervously she dropped her gaze hesitantly and looked back at Celyn, putting a hand on his arm softly, “Come on,” She said rather hollowly without looking at Griff, “He’s not worth it Celyn.”

[Griff Aubert]

Griff wasn't surprised he'd been punched the face. He was surprised that he'd been punched in the face by Celyn though. What was the man even doing here? Still lying on the floor - after having untangled himself from a now broken chair (his back was going to hurt in the morning) - he rubbed the burning side of his face, staring up at Celyn with a look of shock, confusion and anger. "What was that for?" While he probably deserved that for something, nothing sprang to mind as to why Celyn would feel the need. He picked himself up from the floor, a hand still pressed against his face, making the getting up slightly awkward but he managed it all the same. Well so far this was going well.

His knuckles were still aching slightly, but it was more than worth it. Griff really had had that coming to him. He a lot more coming to him actually. Celyn would have happily continued, but then Caitrin put a hand on his arm, and Griff stopped mattering for a few seconds.

“Come on, he’s not worth it.”

“Cait?” Griff hadn’t noticed her before, and now all he could do was stare at her. It had been months since he’d last seen her, this almost couldn’t be real. And yet here she was, right in front of him. Just...so close. She wasn’t even looking at him. Did she really hate him that much? Well he couldn’t blame her. He’d just left, he’d done what he did best and ran away.

He wanted to say something, anything but the words just wouldn’t form. Nothing seemed good enough. Nothing was strong enough or clever enough to make her understand, to make her even want to look at him. So he just stood there staring. She was even more beautiful than he remembered which was surprising knowing his memory for women. But there was something different about her. She didn’t have that spark, that glint in her eye. She was wrong. Rather arrogantly he wondered – Jesu, he hoped – that it was in some way because of him. He wanted some kind of proof that she’d missed him, that she’d been feeling even a fraction of what he had. He wanted to know that even through the hate she clearly had for him; there was still some small part of her that missed him. It was a selfish thought, and one he wasn’t particularly proud of, but he was a desperate man faced with the only woman he’d ever loved and seemingly unable to reach her.

“I’m sorry Cait, but we’re not going anywhere. Not yet.”

Celyn’s words and the harshness of his voice cut through the silence and bringing Griff’s thoughts back to the situation at hand. We’re? He repeated the word in his head, trying to fully understand Celyn’s meaning by it. Since when were they are a ‘we’? Since when was Caitrin a ‘we’ with anybody? Somehow that simple word had turned on Griff’s defences, and he found himself with his arms folded and his eyebrows raised defiantly at Celyn. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were Cait’s lord and master.” He pushed past the man so he was now facing Caitrin. His features were immediately no longer hardened; he bit his lip and dug his nails into his arm to keep his hand from scratching his neck. Of all the times to be at a loss for words. “Cait? I-,” he sighed. It didn’t help that Celyn was staring at him, fists still clenched. “I need to talk to you.” He shot a look at Celyn. “Alone.”

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin’s hand was still resting on Celyn’s arm as Griff stared on at her. She began to feel awkward, because she really didn’t want to be in the middle of this. She kept her eyes on Celyn rather than on Griff, she didn’t want him to unleash all of this on Griff. This was her battle; not Celyn’s. “Please, just leave it.” She asked Celyn again and squeezed his arm softly. She didn’t like this side of him one bit, and she knew that it wasn’t him at all. She flinched slightly as Celyn spoke, she hadn’t heard that tone of voice from him before and it almost scared her. Jesu why was he so angry? She was the one who should be angry, not him.

Caitrin flushed a deep shade of scarlet that she couldn’t quite remember going before. No one was her Lord and Master, not Celyn not her Uncle and certainly not Griff. She was becoming steadily more annoyed, because more and more she was starting to feel like she was fading into the background of this argument, like some little woman. “No one is my Lord or master.” She replied defensively, in a tone which identified more with how she had once been, before Griff had left. Even if she were ever wed she would never deem her husband her Lord and Master. She was her own woman, and she would never give up that freedom.

She just watched as Griff pushed past Celyn to get to her. She’d been half standing behind her friend, not really trusting her own feelings in front of the man who left her. But she couldn’t ignore him forever, and Caitrin reluctantly raised her eyes to Griff’s. Jesu he was so close; she’d waited for this moment for months, and now she just felt like she was numb. He was still as handsome as she remembered; the mere sight of him still set her heart racing and the impulse there to embrace him. But she didn’t, she just stayed uncharacteristically still and bit her lip nervously, but she didn’t falter.

In truth she couldn’t see what good talking would do. It would just confirm that he had moved on, and that he didn’t love her anymore; maybe he’d never loved her. She didn’t want to be alone with him because she didn’t trust her own actions. Caitrin was usually quite strong in front of men, or anyone really, but right now in front of Griff she just felt weak at the knees. Switching her view to Celyn she shrugged softly to him, “Will you give us a few moments alone please?” She asked softly, not expecting Celyn to understand why she had to do this. She had to speak with Griff to find out where he stood, for both their sakes.

Caitrin then turned away from both men and walked a few paces away from where Celyn was stood. This was far enough so they wouldn’t be overheard, but close enough so Celyn could intervene if he needed to. She’d never been so nervous in front of Griff before, but she turned back to him and gestured for him to join where she was now standing. “This is private enough.” She declared before he could protest about how close they still were to Celyn. Griff didn’t really have any liberty to complain about Celyn, he’d been there for Caitrin in ways that Griff hadn’t in the past few months. He’d stayed by her side where Griff had deserted her, and that was still significant to Caitrin. Now she wasn’t quite sure what to do or say. She’d run through this moment in her mind over the past few months, but now it was here she wasn’t sure what to say. Her eyes still locked with Griff’s she went to speak but couldn’t. She was already getting upset. Jesu, this was just what she needed. She’d been an emotional wreck for the past few months, unable to think about Griff without getting upset. Now she just brushed her sleeve over her glossy eyes and finally opened her mouth to speak. “What could you possibly have to say that would make up for the past few months?” She asked, her voice slightly more high pitched than usual as she tried to hide the fact she was getting upset, “You don’t know how hard it’s been since you left.” She knew Griff had been the one who said he needed to talk to her, but she was upset, angry and hormonal, so she wasn’t about to stand there and listen to him saying how sorry he was. He couldn’t be sorry until he knew exactly what she had been through without him.

[Griff Aubert]

Griff wasn't exactly sure what he was expecting to happen. He'd thought about seeing Caitrin again countless times and each time he'd tell her everything and she'd forgive him and then everything would be alright again. But the words weren't coming and even if they were she might not listen. He had no reason to expect her to, she did hate him after all. It was rather a surprise when she agreed to speak to him and it took him a moment to fully register this. Her definition of alone wasn't exactly alone, Celyn was still irritatingly close. Why was the man even here? This had nothing to do with him. He of course didn't voice any of these thoughts. It would probably just end up in Caitrin deciding not to speak to him at all and then he'd be back where he started. He just needed to explain to her why he left, he needed her to understand.

“What could you possibly have to say that would make up for the past few months?”

It was a question she had every right to ask, and one that he should have been expecting but it still took him off guard. He just looked at her for a few moments, mouth slightly open, desperately trying to think of something good enough to say. In his head, he just told her he loved her and that he was sorry, so, so sorry for leaving and then she forgave him. But real life had a habit of being lovely and complicated. Just telling her that he loved her, no matter how fancy his words were, was not going to make everything alright. He clenched his fist to keep from scratching his neck, it was probably blindingly obvious anyway, but he didn't want Caitrin to know how nervous he was. He just wanted to say the right thing, or anything really. "Nothing." He replied at last before sighing and forcing himself to look at her despite how hard it was. "Nothing I can say will do that." His lips were pressed tightly together now, and he was sniffing and it was all horrible and embarrassing. He was going to be composed. In his head he was always composed. But then nothing was going the way he had planned it, so why should his composure be an exception?

“You don’t know how hard it’s been since you left.”

Caitrin's voice was betraying her, and Griff could no longer look at her. Instead his eyes dropped to the floor. He couldn't bare to see her like this, least of all when it was his fault in the first place. He should never have left her, he should have stayed and explained and somehow she would have understood but he hadn't. He'd done what he always did. He ran away. He left her behind, he'd tried to forget about her so she couldn't hurt him anymore, and look where it had gotten him. "I didn't want to hurt you Cait. I just...couldn't be here..."

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin was now just staring at Griff, still in disbelief that he was just here. Every morning she had woken up hoping to see his face like she had so many times before. She’d ached for everything, his touch, his smile, even something as simple as his voice. She knew she had been stupid for waiting for him to come back to her side, but he had tried to find him with no luck. Caitrin had lost track of the amount of times she had gone into the taverns in Camelot just on the off chance someone had heard about his movements. She had been a desperate woman in those moments, but it had been made worse after Morgana’s take over. She was still hurting emotionally from the ordeal, but she was slowly healing. The fact Griff hadn’t come back to her wasn’t helping her to heal, it was rubbing salt into the wound, and reminded her that he had been quite happy to be ignorant of what had happened in Camelot. She looked back to Celyn, not for support or anything of the sort, but to show him that she was ok, or as ok as was to be expected. “You’re right, nothing will.” She confirmed irritably, and sniffed back a tear. She didn’t want him to try and charm her with his fancy words, she wanted him to show he still cared about her, if he did at all.

After Griff’s words, the first thing Caitrin felt was just...shock. How could Griff ever think that being with her could ever hurt her? He had done so much more damage by leaving than he ever could have done if he had stood his ground, and stayed by her side. “You hurt me more by leaving.” She said rather bluntly, but right now wasn’t the time for dancing around the topic. She was still hurting, and he needed to know that. She’d been alone during Morgana’s reign, and he had probably been here with an ale to himself, ignoring everything that was happening in the nearby kingdom. “Did you hear Morgana took over Camelot?” She was getting upset again, she could feel it happening, but she wasn’t going to cry now. She hadn’t cried in front of Morgana, so she wasn’t going to cry in front of Griff. She felt unnaturally defensive, like she had to put her point forwards for Griff to even begin to understand what she had been through in his absence. “Do you want to know what I went through alone during that time?” She was switching her emotions, as anger began to take over. She loved Griff, she couldn’t help herself, but her emotions were all over the place. Could he not see how much she needed him? Did he really think that she was better off on her own? “I just wanted you to come home; to me.” She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, trying to offset her tears, because she didn’t want to cry here. She was Caitrin de Archer, and she didn’t show her emotions in the way everyone else did.

But she could feel herself getting upset, and she wasn’t sure she could face Griff for much longer without losing it completely. She put her hand to her mouth to compose herself and drew a deep breath, finally looking back to Griff. “Why couldn’t you be here? Was it something I did?” Had she said or done something that had led him to believe that she didn’t love him? Whatever he believed, it wasn’t true, she still loved him no matter how much she hadn’t wanted to over the past few months. Her fingers were aching out to hold him, and return to some normality, but she couldn’t. Instead she faltered and forced her eyes down to the floor. She didn’t want to face this, she didn’t feel like she had the strength to. She turned away from Griff and looked to Celyn with glossy eyes, the man she knew wouldn’t hurt her. Her face was almost pleading him to try and comfort her, or offer some support. She had asked for privacy, but now she was starting to regret that, “Cel?” She croaked, unable to go on. As she dropped her eyes to the floor, she could feel her chest rising and falling against her dress. Jesu why was this so hard? She winced, wanting some sort of comfort, and waiting to see which man would be bold enough to take the first move.

[/blockquote]

[Griff Aubert]

Celyn had been watching the exchange, trying not to say anything because it was none of his business, despite how much he wanted to step in. There was nothing he could do though as Caitrin had agreed to speak to him so nothing Celyn said would change her mind. He supposed she wanted to know why he hadn't come back before, and it was entirely justified, but Celyn didn't want to see her hurt again, and that was the only outcome he could see from this conversation.

If it were up to him, Griff would leave now and give Caitrin a chance to move on with her life. She might not ever stop loving him, but she could at least find some happines without him instead of constantly waiting for him. What Caitrin needed was someone who loved her unconditionally - not just when it suited him. He felt nothing but contempt for Griff yet he just stood there and looked on, hoping Caitrin would be able to see Griff for what he really was, not for this idealised version she remembered.

Caitrin's words only confirmed what he'd already known. Nothing he could say would make this any better, and as words were the only thing he could do, he was quite at a loss. He needed Caitrin to forgive him, to understand why he'd left and know that no matter what happened, no matter what he had done, it never stopped him from loving her. Nothing would make him stop loving her.

He'd always been good at running - whatever the situation, whenever he didn't know what to do he ran away. It was how he ended up in Camelot in the first place, it was how he'd met her, so it seemed only fitting it should be how he'd lose her as well. He'd genuinely thought the best thing for him to was leave. She'd hated him, what else could he do? Wait around hoping she'd change her mind? He'd ran away. He'd tried to forget about her, unsuccessfully tried to drink away everything. None of it had worked. He'd still been in love with her, still wished he could go back and stop himself from leaving, still regretted everything he'd done.

Why couldn't he just explain everything and make it all right? Why did he have to go and ruin it all just when it seemed his life was finally going somewhere? He sighed - angry at himself and the whole situation. The fact that Celyn was stood watching him really wasn't helping. Why was the man there anyway? This had absolutely nothing to do with him and to be perfectly honest Griff didn't much care for him being there.

He found himself unable to answer her words. There was nothing else to say except that he was sorry and he needed her to forgive him but that didn't seem at all likely. Caitrin was not easily hurt, she wouldn't be so quick to forget about it all. Instead he just stood there uselessly, not only regretting leaving, but also about trying to talk to her now. Nothing was going the way he wanted, and, to be quite honest, he just wanted to run away again - because that obviously always worked.

Thankfully Caitrin asked him something he could actually answer, even if it did only make him feel worse. At least he was saying something, that was probably the main thing. At any rate it was better than just standing there. "Yes, I heard." He paused, trying to think how he could word what he wanted to say. He'd never been the best at expressing himself, especially not in situations like this. "I should have come sooner, Cait. I know that." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This was harder than he'd thought it would be. "The truth is I'm a coward." There. He'd said it. "I run away and I don't come back and I try and forget everything because it's easier and I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I thought you'd just forget me - I wanted you to just forget me but-" he bit his lip, "I just...I'm sorry." He knew his words wouldn't be enough, not after everything she'd been through but they were all he could offer her right now, and every one of them had been the truth. He was a coward, he always had been, and he daresay he would continue to do so.

Griff could tell she was trying not to cry. Caitrin never cried. She was always so strong, always in control of her emotions. "I thought it was the right thing." He offered pathetically. The right words just weren't coming to him. "I thought you hated me. I thought you wanted me gone." Obviously he had been mistaken he could see that now, but he couldn't change the past, he could only hope that Caitrin could see his remorse and forgive him.

Celyn had listened to Griff's words and trying to understand how anyone could leave Caitrin to suffer in the way that she did. He said that he was a coward, so what? Did he expect that to make everything better? He was an idiot as well as a coward if he did. "It's alright Cait," he said in what he hoped was a reassuring tone, completely ignoring Griff. "We can just go if you want to."

[Caitrin de Archer]

For now, Caitrin found her eyes flicking back to Celyn who seemed to be watching the scene in silence. He could probably hear everything, but the fact he wasn’t commentating meant the world to Caitrin. She could know at least that she and Celyn could walk away from here and that he would still try and stop her grief; he would still care.

Though Griff’s speech was pulling on Caitrin’s heartstrings, she found herself rather sceptical whilst listening to him. After all, he hadn’t really come back to her at all. Caitrin just looked up at Griff with glossy eyes, “But you didn’t come back this time.” She wanted to forgive him, she wanted to get back what they had once had, but his words were quickly meaning nothing to her, “Would you have come back if we had not walked in here today?” She asked him sharply, but her tone wasn’t as harsh as she wanted it to be, she was hurt and he needed to appreciate that. He hadn’t come back to her at all, he had just found an opportunity to grab her attention, that was it. If he had not been in here, or if Caitrin and Celyn had chosen a different tavern, then this situation would not have arisen at all, and they would still be living very separate lives.

It didn’t matter to Caitrin that Griff was a coward. It didn’t matter to her that he usually ran away. But it did matter to her that he had run away from her. He had just left, without even trying to regain what they had once had. She had been the one left waiting, waiting for him to come back to her like some silly little lovestruck woman. She wondered if he would have ever come back for her, or whether he would have been content to just stay in taverns for the rest of his life. She flinched slightly as he told her he was sorry. She so wanted to believe his words, she wanted to believe that he was sorry, and that he did still love her, “You can’t be sorry.” She said bluntly, almost shaking from her innate grief, “You don’t know what I’ve been through.” How could he be sorry for what he had caused her if he didn’t know what had happened in his absence?

She sniffed back, and put her hand to her mouth, trying so hard not to cry in front of him. She had never cried in front of Griff before, and she didn’t want this to be the first time that he saw her cry. After all, she was usually so strong, but she hadn’t been herself recently. She’d just been trying to heal, and she had even managed to fail at doing that. Caitrin hadn’t felt like herself for months, she’d all but forgotten what feeling normal felt like. “Well you thought wrong.” Was all she could manage in a shaky voice as she put her hand back down to her side, digging her fingernails into her palm and biting her lip to try and keep her emotions in check. It couldn’t happen like this, Griff couldn’t see just how helpless she was without him. She had tried to convince herself that she could cope on her own, and that she didn’t need Griff by her side. However, now he was here the temptation to just forget everything was there. She was halfway to forgiving him, but the forgiveness did not pass her lips; how could she just willingly forgive him after all these months? He’d been in here drinking his troubles away, and probably lurching after every bar maid he could manage. Meanwhile she had been on her own, mostly in her room, just trying to get some normality back in her life. She’d been grieving, crying into the back of her hand and wiping away her tears whenever anyone called for her. She’d been trying to put on a brave face these past few months, the mask which Griff had forced her to wear, but she couldn’t bear it anymore; she didn’t want to.

Then there was Celyn here with her, the man who hadn’t left. Jesu knows why he still put up with her. Caitrin could never understand why Celyn put up with her, she wasn’t the best of company at the moment, but he had tried so hard in the past few months to make an effort. She turned away from Griff, because she wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold this all together without falling into pieces. She wasn’t sure what she wanted; did she want to leave Griff here and forget about him completely, or did she want to forgive him and make the effort? Caitrin wasn’t sure she could make the decision in a heartbeat, and she just fell silent for a moment, and looked on at her friend; her best friend. She couldn’t find the words to say to him, her mind was racing and her heart was thudding in her ears. She glanced back at Griff for a few moments, but she was stepping towards Celyn. She took Celyn’s hand, because she trusted him to show her the right path, and for him to protect her, “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” She said to Griff, but as she spoke her eyes moved back up to Celyn. She leant her body into his slightly, wanting some sort of protection, the protection that Griff seemed unable to give her. “Do you think we should leave?” She asked Celyn in a small voice, looking up at him once more, and waiting for him to lead her onwards.

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn could not believe the audacity of the man. He had absolutely no right to just appear, completely out of the blue, and expect Caitrin to talk to him. He had no right at all. He'd left, he'd disappeared, he hadn't cared about Caitrin for months. And now what? He was suddenly back in her life again? Did he think that was acceptable?

It was Celyn who had stayed, expecting nothing in return, simply staying because he couldn't see her alone. He'd watched her completely fall apart. His Caitrin, his strong, stubborn Caitrin had turned into a mess because of this man. A man who wasn't worth it, not at all, not by anyone's standards. And as he watched, not quite hearing what they were saying, he didn't hate anyone more. Even though Caitrin might not look it, or accept it, Griff still had that affect on her. He still managed to make her feel something, something she'd never feel for Celyn. This man had left her broken and yet she still loved him. It was ridiculous and it was wrong and Celyn hated it, what was to stop Griff from leaving her again?

Griff had known this wasn't going to be easy, of course he had. He had no right to expect Caitrin to talk to him, and part of him was suprised that she was. She must hate him - he really wouldn't be shocked. It was all he deserved after all. But she had to know, she had to let him explain that just because he left didn't mean he'd ever stop loving her. He could never stop loving her. But her words cut him and as much as he hated himself for admitting it, he couldn't answer yes. He was a coward by definition, always had been and probably always would be. When things were too much, when things weren't going his way he jut left and never looked back. That's what he'd been trying to do with Caitrin. He could stand there and lie and tell her that of course he would have, that he'd have walked the entire earth to see her, it would have been just that: a lie. But she deserved more than that. She deserved to be looked in the eye too, but he couldn't bring himself to do that. "Probably not, no. And I don't say that because I don't love you, or because I don't want to be with you because I do, Cait. I really, really do." He exhaled and scratched his neck, "I just...I run. And I don't look back. And I know that's not good enough. But...it's the truth."

Again, her words managed to cut through him like a blade because she was right. She was confirming everything he'd known but been too scared of admitting. He couldn't begin to imagine what she'd been through under Morgana's reign, and the thought of her being hurt made him physically sick. "No, I don't. Part of me doesn't want to know." he admitted quietly, he didn't want to hear about the pain she'd gone through, the danger and the fear she'd experienced. He didn't want to see her locked in a dungeon, convinced she was facing death and alone. He wanted her happy and safe and laughing, but her laughter was something he'd probably never hear again. He'd already had that chance and ruined it.

It was obvious she was trying not to cry but she was being so stubborn about it, as always. He was glad, in a way, because he didn't know what he'd do if she cried, he'd want to hold her in his arms and promise her everything would be alright but she wouldn't let him. And then there was the other part of him, angry that she wouldn't cry, that she felt she had to stop herself, even in front of him. It was as if all the trust and love that had once been between them had vanished. He was just some stranger, some old acquaintance, no longer worthy of her tears. "I know that now." was all he could think to say, but the words hung pathetically in the air, just like anything else he would have said. Nothing was good enough for her, for the situation, to stop her crying, to stop him feeling like this. They all just sounded so empty no matter how much he needed her to believe him.

He could only stand there uselessly as she walked back over to Celyn. It was a reaction he had expected but that didn't mean it hurt any less. He didn't want her to go to him, he wanted to her to walk back, to throw her arms around him and tell him she forgave him, that she loved him, that they could go back to the way things were and forget everything that he'd done. But she didn't. She put her faith in another man, and Griff just watched her.

There was an awkwardness as Caitrin walked towards him. As much as he wanted to be there for her, wanted her to know that he wasn't going to leave her, he also knew that if she wanted to try to work things out with Griff, his place was not at her side. But even so, he held her hand tightly and told himself that what he thought and felt and wanted didn't matter. That he would do everything he could to ensure Caitrin's happiness, whatever the cost. "Do you want to leave?" He asked, looking back briefly at Griff. However much he hated the man, he meant something to Caitrin, and if he could make her happy, then, well, then he made her happy.

[Caitrin de Archer]

This was all starting to get too much for Caitrin. She couldn’t look at Griff without remembering what they had once had. It wasn’t supposed to be like this at all, they were supposed to be fine, and happy, and looking forwards to spending the rest of their lives together. Somewhere down the line it had all gone wrong, they’d argued, they’d both been stupid and stubborn and now they were here. When she looked at Griff, she could see he was just as broken as she was. He wasn’t grinning like he used to, he wasn’t acting like he knew everything, and that no one could top his ego. That was probably one of the things which upset Caitrin the most. She blinked a few times, almost wanting Griff to transform in front of her, to become the man she had fallen in love with, and not a drunken, pitying shade of his former self. She couldn’t say she felt much better herself though. She couldn’t just act like she didn’t care anymore, because she did, she couldn’t lie to herself and say she could just go off and get any man in Camelot. She didn’t want any man in Camelot, she knew exactly what she wanted, even if she didn’t want to fully admit it to herself.

Should she be grateful that he was being so honest with her? Now, more than ever, she didn’t want him to lie to her, and tell her sweet words that had no substance, but it didn’t help her understand what he was saying. She’d known from day one that he ran without looking back, because he’d done that with his own home hadn’t he? Perhaps she had been naive enough to think she might be different, that he might make the effort for her. “Do you still want to be with me?” She was asking him seriously now, because she needed to know one way or the other. It didn’t mean that she would be flinging her arms around him, or even forgiving him, but it was a start, “Or do you just want to run away, and leave me again?” Now that was the main question, because Caitrin wasn’t going anywhere just yet, she couldn’t.

Caitrin was almost choking herself, holding back her tears. She almost felt like she was feeling everything that she had felt when she had been down there in the dungeons. Then she looked back up at Griff, and just felt hollow and empty. Of course he wouldn’t want to know about what she’d gone through in the dungeons. He wouldn’t want to hear about how she’d been chained up like a wild animal, and how Morgana had tormented her for days on end, and how she’d been made to feel like she was insignificant and some silly little woman. No, Griff wouldn’t want to hear any of that would he? She pressed her lips together, stopping her tears from falling in the process. “You would have known if you had stayed.” Her words hollow, and high pitched as she stopped her tears.

Yes, he knew he had been wrong now, but where did that leave them? He’d already told her that he still loved her, and she did want to believe him more than anything else in the world, but in the same breath she didn’t want to be hurt again. She just nodded at him, because there was nothing else to say. Celyn’s hand in hers felt warm, and inviting. He hadn’t ever left her side, he had stayed to pick up the mess Griff had left. She still couldn’t understand why. She looked up at Celyn, but her gaze quickly found itself being tugged back to Griff, and she bit her lip nervously, finding herself unnaturally nervous.

No. She couldn’t go, everything was telling her to let her lead Celyn from the tavern, for him to take her home so she could get on with rebuilding her life to a fraction of what it had been. She sniffed back again, trying not to cry, and trying to not get emotional. Her hand left Celyn’s and she found herself just walking back over to Griff without a word to either men. She couldn’t help herself, and it wasn’t fair in a way. She couldn’t just leave and forget Griff, she thought she would find it easier than this to just forget about. A part of her wanted to just throw her arms around him, and hold him there, she’d imagined seeing him so much during their time apart, but now she found herself stuck somewhat. There was something there though, something which just upset her by looking at Griff. Her self control was lacking and she felt her eyes brimming up with tears which soon began to fall. She didn’t like crying in front of anyone, it just made her feel weak and vulnerable. “Do-do you want to know what we lost when I was locked up in the dungeons, and you were here?” She didn’t raise her hands to brush her tears away because she could feel herself shaking as her composure began to wane somewhat. No one but her Uncle knew what she had happened down in the dungeons, because no one else could know, but she owed it to Griff to at least tell him.

[Griff Aubert]

Everything Caitrin said just served to cement what Griff had already thought. He didn't deserve this, he had no right to stand here and ask forgiveness. It didn't matter how honest he was being now, how much he wanted to pretend it hadn't happen, to just ignore everything and go back to the way things were, that just wasn't going to happen. They were both too broken for that, and it was, as always, his fault. He'd had something wonderful in his life so he'd ruined it because he was Griff Aubert and that's what he did. So how could he stand there and tell her that there was nothing in the world he wanted so much as her, that he'd do everything within his power to bring her happiness and expect her to believe it? His actions had already proven the opposite was true. Of course he would tell her, how could he not? But he wouldn't expect her to believe him. They were far too gone for that. He bit his lip, willing the right words to come. He was always so good with words, any words, all words, words to make him look better, words to make women feel better, words for any and every occassion except the one time he needed them, the one time he needed someone to really believe him. Nothing would be good enough.

He wanted to say that he'd never run away again, that this was it, no matter what happened, but how could he promise that? Would she believe him? Should she believe him? He couldn't believe himself, so it was unlikely Caitrin would. He couldn't stand there and make an empty promise, but he couldn't let her think that he didn't care either because he cared about her more than anything and this was killing him. His fists clenched and unclenched a few times and all he could do was look at her and try to think of the right words. He just needed her to know that he was sorry, so, so sorry for this, for every thing, for not being brave enough, for not fighting for her, for not coming back sooner. For every single mistake that he made, and then she'd forgive him and everything would be fine and they'd be happy. "Of course I want to stay with you." The words felt hollow despite how much he meant them. "I want everything to be like it was before...before I-" he exhaled, "before I left." Or before he ran away, to put it another way, before he went and ruined everything, to put it a better way.

The only thing worse than seeing Caitrin crying would be to see her try so hard not to cry. He wanted to put his arms around her, hold her close to him and tell her everything would be alright. He wanted to let her cry, to let her be vulnerable and not have to care about what other people thought, or trying to be strong. But he didn't, he didn't do anything despite how much he wanted to. It seemed to be a recurring theme. He never did anything unless it was the wrong thing, especially around Caitrin. The worst thing was that he knew he was doing the wrong thing, he always, always knew it, but usually it was the easiest thing, the quickest way to escape, only he never did escape. He sat in taverns and tried to forget and move on but it never worked. He'd still wake up every morning filled with regret, hating himself and his actions but it was too late by then. All he could do was run further and faster. "A lot of things would have been different if I'd stayed." He replied, the regret thick in his voice. Griff Aubert was not in the habit of remorse, he never allowed himself to care enough, but this was Caitrin and there was nothing he wouldn't do to make everything alright, to make her smile, or hell, have her angry with him, have her shouting and attacking him. He'd take anything over this...this broken woman. It was a punishment he couldn't bear, it was a reminder of how he ruined everything.

Griff just stared at her, a mixture of confusion, shock and fear on his face. She couldn't mean what he thought she'd meant. He was wrong, he had to be wrong because that wasn't possible, that wasn't allowed to happen. He'd never forgive himself if- he wasn't going to allow himself to think the words, because if he didn't think the words then it wasn't that. It couldn't be. Caitrin was not allowed to suffer that on her own. He bit down on his lip, trying to keep himself together. The last thing Caitrin needed was Griff falling apart, especially if his fears were confirmed. "W-what...what do you mean?" His voice was low, shaking, and already convinced that his conclusions were right but desperately hoping to anything that they weren't.

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin was shaking, and for a few moments she could only find comfort in what Griff was saying to her. He hadn’t come back, but she hadn’t come here to find him before now. Jesu, this was all her fault. If she hadn’t been so bloody stubborn, if she had listened to him for a few moments then they wouldn’t be in this mess. She’d be happy, and so would Griff. Looking at him, she couldn’t ignore the increase in her pulse, or the knot in her stomach. She still loved him, she could stand here and try and deny it to everyone, but she still loved him and she always would, and that made everything worse somehow. “Can you promise me that Griff?” She really did want to believe him, she wanted everything to go back to some sort of normality. She had been trying to heal, and act like everything was fine since he had left. Seeing him again here had made her realise how broken, and how pathetic she was. This wasn’t Caitrin de Archer as she’d been known, she was too far gone to be anywhere near her former self.

He was right, so many things would have been different if he had stayed. Caitrin probably would have listened to reason if he’d been there. But no one had been there to try and mediate her temper, or tell her she’d gone too far. She might even still be pregnant... No she couldn’t think like that now, because as soon as she did she knew everything about her composure and stance would just fall apart. They both should have stayed, they both should have tried to work something, anything, out. “You’re right, they would have.” Everything would have been different, they would still be happy, and she wouldn’t be feeling a fraction of what she was going through now. Her emotions were going through hell.

There was nothing Caitrin could to do to stop her tears from falling. The top of her dress was slowly taking the weight of her tears, and she had no willpower to stop them. She shouldn’t have done this, she shouldn’t have brought this up. She didn’t care they were in the middle of a tavern anymore, she could only focus on her and Griff, even Celyn couldn’t find a place in her thoughts at the moment. She gulped air greedily, trying to stop herself from shaking. She hadn’t faced this situation herself yet, it had happened to her, but if had almost felt like a dream; a nightmare. The only evidence of what had happened was a shallow grave not far from the manor. As long as she’d just pushed the thoughts out of her head she hadn’t had to think about it, and face the loss which came with it. “W-we – I – I -.” She couldn’t say it, why was he making her say the words, surely he knew what she was getting at. “I lost our baby.” If she had thought finally speaking the words would help her grief in any sense, she was quickly corrected. One of her arms hugged round her middle, and she leant forwards slightly, feeling as if she was going to be sick. Everything she had tried to run from, every emotion she had tried to repress was just coming to the forefront of her mind. It hurt, Jesu she felt like she was going through the pain again. “Our child.” She whispered in-between her half hysterical gulps and cries as she tried to get herself back to a composed state. Straightening up she buried her head in her hands, only removing them when she found the strength to look back up at Griff, her tears streaming down her pale cheeks. “It just slipped away, like it was nothing.” Her words weren’t whispered anymore, they were probably loud enough for Celyn to hear as well. She hadn’t told him what had happened either. Couldn’t Griff see that she needed him, now more than ever? He would be hurting too, but she’d been burdened with this for so long now that it had made her hollow and empty. She just wanted to feel his arms around her, she needed that support now.

[Griff Aubert]

How could Caitrin ask him to make such a promise? Surely she knew, she must know that he couldn't. He could stand here and tell her that he'd never leave her again, that no matter what happened he'd always be here, but he couldn't promise. There was always that chance, that possibility that he'd run again. Despite how much he didn't want to and despite how much he hated himself for leaving her, he just couldn't promise. But he could not promise her. How would she forgive him then? And so the only other option was to lie. He'd only gotten himself into this particular mess because Caitrin deserved the truth, now he wasn't so sure. He ran a hand through his hair. "I-" He exhaled, rather shakily, could he lie to her? After all this, could he stand there and lie to her? But if he didn't, he'd run the risk of losing her completely. "I...I promise, Cait, no more running." The words were said with a lot more conviction than he felt, but he couldn't give her more reason not to forgive him. He just needed her, needed things to be as they were, and for that he needed to lie.

Caitrin's words hadn't completely sunken in and he wasn't going to let them. Allowing that to happen would mean he would have to accept what she was saying, he would have to accept the emotions that came with that - the guilt, the pain, the loss. He couldn't do that, not now, not yet. So he bit his lip, hard enough to break the skin, tasting the bitter, metallic blood on his tongue, and forcing himself to suppress it all. Caitrin was in tears, so he didn't care whether she hated him or what Celyn would think, he put his arms around her, holding her close, running a hand through her hair. It was easier to ignore his own emotions when he was being strong for Caitrin. She could become his focus instead of finding out about his lost child. "I'm sorry, Cait." He whispered and kissed her forehead, "I'm so sorry."

Griff tightened his grip on her - she was his sole focus now. Everything else simply did not matter. He just felt numb, tired, drained, and the only thing keeping him going was his desire to look after Caitrin. She needed him, despite how she might protest, so he was going to hold onto her, tell her everything would be alright, dry her tears. He was going to do everything he'd failed to do before.