Enough for Me for Now [Caitrin]

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

It was an often enough occurrance that Celyn ap Llewellyn found himself arriving unannounced at the de Archer estate. He supposed Lord Rouland was used to him enough by now because he hardly acknowledged Celyn's presence anymore. He wasn't entirely sure, but Caitrin had always told this was a good thing. Celyn found it a little odd that Rouland didn't speak to him now though, but then he didn't really know the man well enough to comment.

It had been a hard time for them all - those who stayed in Camelot during Morgana's reign. Even though the crown had been restored the wounds were still raw and the city was slowly rebuilding itself. Celyn didn't care much for the city though. He'd always just been a traveller. It wasn't his home, it was just a place to spend a few weeks, maybe a few months before he moved on with Ifan and his men. And then he'd gone and fallen in love. The worst part was not that she did not return his feelings, she didn't even know of them, no, the worst part was that she loved someone else. Celyn could be happy for her if he knew the man deserved it, but Griff Aubert did not deserve anything. But that was a thought for another day because he's climbing the stairs to her room and the last thing he wants on his mind is Griff.

He doesn't knock at first. He just stares at the door like it's going to tell him exactly what to do and what to say when he's in the room. Obviously it's not, but he'd still like to think it will because he has absolutely no idea what he's doing, he just knows that he needs to see her. Caitrin had been through so much, and even though she's as strong as hell, and as stubborn as anything and she'll lie when he asks how she is he still needs to go in there and tell her that no matter what he'll always be there for her. He'll always love her, that's the important thing. He could try to pretend he doesn't, like he's been doing all this time, and alright, it makes it a little easier, he likes the fact that she doesn't know because they don't need to talk about it, but there's only so much pretending he can do and he can't pretend to himself.

He's not quite sure how long he's been standing opposite the door. It could have been years for all he knew. But eventually he raises his hand and lets his knuckles hit the wood. He came here to see her, so it's not about him and not wanting to confront anything, it's about making sure she's alright, and if she's not, changing that. It's always about that. He knocks again, a little louder, a little more confidentally and then decides to say something so she knows it him and then maybe she'll let him in. "Cait? Cait it's me," it's a rather weak thing to say but it's the best he can do right now. "Can I come in?"

Tagged: Caitrin
Timeline: Shortly after the series 3 finale
Setting: de Archer estate

[Caitrin de Archer]

It was just under a week since Morgana had fallen, and all over Camelot, everyone was starting to rebuild. Though she had only been in power for two weeks, the scars of her reign would last so much longer. Caitrin was just staring at her reflection in the mirror, in an absent minded way. She was slowly dragging a brush through her long, red hair, just trying to focus on something which wasn’t what had come to pass. Every time Caitrin closed her eyes, it was as if she was back in the dungeons. Caitrin was still incredibly shaken by her ordeal; she hadn’t know whether she was going to live or die. Lucan had told her that they were all essentially dead men, and she had seen it as a given that she wasn’t going to get out alive. However she was still here, but she didn’t feel like she was still living. When she saw herself in the mirror, it wasn’t Caitrin de Archer she saw, but a frail shadow of the woman who had once stood there.

She began to fiddle with the strands of her hair, not really doing anything in particular with it, but she just wanted to keep herself busy. So much had happened in the past few months. In her naivety, she had hoped that Griff would come back to Camelot, to see how she was, after Morgana’s fall from power. He hadn’t of course. She’d waited and he still hadn’t come, and it was time she started to realise that he wasn’t ever going to come back for her. That was easier said than done though. She had spent the last few months looking over her shoulder at the sound of footsteps, wishing that they were his. The memories of the time they had spent together had kept her spirit from breaking while she was in the dungeon. But that was it, they were all just memories and nothing more. Griff was probably off with another woman on his arm, laughing and joking while she was here; barely existing.

Finally she set her brush down and once again just stared in the mirror. She didn’t really like what she saw; she never did anymore. Caitrin stood up, looking away from the mirror and went to the window instead. She didn’t want to go downstairs just yet, because she wasn’t in the mood to face her Uncle just yet. It wasn’t that he was saying anything in particular, it was what he wasn’t saying. He never made a comment about Griff, even though she thought he would have attacked him straight away. The only comments he seemed to be making were about Celyn coming to call on her. Caitrin never saw anything into it of course, Celyn was a close friend to her, and he was sometimes there for her when others were not. It was strange to think that it had all started with him dragging her into a bush.

A knock on the door made Caitrin jump uncharacteristically, and she tensed up straight away and bit her lip. She just remained very silent until a voice sounded to inform her that it was Celyn on the other side of the door. She blinked a few times, as it wasn’t really going in that he was on the other side of the door. For a moment she’d thought it was Griff, but no, it was time to get over that now. Putting on a casual smile, she brushed down her fitted red dress and walked towards the door. She had still been trying to take care with her appearance, even when she felt as ill, and pale as she did now. Opening the door, she gave Celyn a soft smile, “Celyn, it’s nice to see you.” She stepped back so that he could come in of his own accord, “Come in.” She hadn’t invited a man so freely into her bedroom before, but it was Celyn, so she didn’t feel like being formal at all. “Would you like to sit down?” She knew she was going on with herself a little bit but she was trying to deny the inevitable, which would be him asking her how she was. She didn’t really want to answer that, because she already knew Celyn would know she was lying. She gestured towards her bed as somewhere to sit, as she only had one other chair and that was by her dresser, and anyway, the bed was more comfortable.

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn hadn't been expecting her to open the door, which was probably a rather stupid thought, but he'd expected to walk in and see her either sitting either on her bed or the chair, staring off into space. He should have known her better. She was smiling at him although anyone could see it was an effort to do so. She didn't look like herself either - she was paler and just...tired, he supposed. It was hardly surprising but it didn't make it any easier to see.

He smiled back cheerfully because the last thing she needed was him moping about. It was a little odd being in her room, ever so slightly uncomfortable, but it also proved that she trusted him to let him in here. He almost shuffled into the room, not quite sure what to do with himself. Unsurprisingly he didn't spend a lot of time in women's rooms. Luckily though she offered him a seat - on her bed, because that wasn't going to be even more awkward. "Yes, thank you." He said as he sat down, trying to keep his voice light and cheerful. She was safe now, she was home, and yes, she had been through a terrible ordeal and yes she was still recovering from that, but that was what she was doing - recovering. He needed to help her rather than end up making her feel worse by allowing her to relive her time spend in the dungeons.

He bit his lip and tried to think of what to say, but the words weren't coming to him so he ended up just staring at the floor. Obviously he wanted to ask how she was, to let her know that he cared, but her answer would be a lie and he wanted something to cheer her up and that certainly wouldn't. But everything just seemed so pathetic in his mind. Eventually he managed to break the silence, "I was worried about you, after I heard...I thought you might, well, you know..." He sighed. This was not going well at all. "I'm so glad you're safe, Cait."

[Caitrin de Archer]

Although Caitrin was in ill health, and she knew that as well as anyone, she was glad that Celyn didn’t make a comment about it straight away. Whatever she had been though, her vanity still ran though her blood. Her hair wasn’t done either, but she was sure Celyn wouldn’t mind. It was just hanging quite loose and naturally about her shoulders, without even a circlet to hold it in place.

To Caitrin, it felt odd here to be sat with Celyn, with him saying that he was glad that she was safe. Not because she didn’t appreciate it, because she did, but because he wasn’t the one who Caitrin had thought would be the first to come calling. Well, she supposed her hope that Griff would come back to her was naive and just pathetic. Celyn was a true friend to her, and he had shown that by coming to call on her. She put a hand on top of his, and squeezed it gently with a soft smile. “I’m glad to be home.” She voiced in a rather frail and quiet voice. It was true however, she was so glad that she was back home with her Uncle. Being around familiar things had helped her to calm down somewhat, though she still found she was jumping at the sight of her own shadow. It was certainly no way to live, and she hoped that she would recover soon and begin to rebuild her life. She needed to start afresh and get on with her life how it was now, but in truth, she really didn’t want to.

Looking back up to Celyn, she wanted to tell him that she was fine, and that he didn’t have to worry about her, but she couldn’t bring herself to lie to him. He would know she was lying anyway so what was the point in that? She should be feeling happy, euphoric even that she was out of the dungeons, but it wasn’t as simple as that. She’d seen how easily she could have not lived to see another day, she’d tried to play the part of a hero and fallen flat on her face. The dungeons had been one of the first times in her life that she had felt truly alone. She’d thought of Celyn while she’d been huddled up in her cell, well she had thought of everyone, but he had been in her thoughts as well. He was always so kind towards her, and she wondered if sometimes he knew how much he meant to her.

She could feel her emotions coming back, she didn’t want to get upset in front of Celyn so she tried to smile back at him, but she could feel her eyes becoming slightly glossy. She had been like this since coming out of the dungeons. Her Uncle had suggested she got help, but she wanted to get by this by herself. “I’m safe now, please don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine now.” Her words were hollow and empty because they were only half true. She would be fine as she was now out of Morgana’s reach, but she wasn’t fine in every other respect. She brushed her sleeve over one of her eyes and tried to keep her composure. “It was my own fault Celyn... I was just so stupid.” She was looking at the floor, not trusting her emotions enough to look back up at her friend, instead she ran her sleeve over her eyes again, and after a few moments silence she looked back up to her friend with a weak sort of smile. Jesu, why was this so hard?

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn had played out this conversation in his head. He was going to go in there and make everything alright and then Caitrin would be happy again. But instead he was sat here, not quite knowing what to do and caring far too much that her hand was on his. It was moments like this that he found he hated himself. Caitrin needed him right now, well, not him, but someone, she never needed him but he didn't care because her hand was on his. It was nothing. It shouldn't matter. It didn't matter to her, at least not in the way it mattered to him. He let out a sigh. This was the exact opposite of what was supposed to happen.

Eventually he lifted his eyes from the floor and looked at her - this wonderful, strong woman sat next to him and tried to think about anything except what she had been through. She was always such a bright person, but she seemed so...so lost, so fragile, not at all like she should be. She might tell him that she was fine but she wasn't, there was no way she was fine, but she was lying anyway. But she was safe now, that was the main thing. There was no way she was going to go through that again, Celyn simply wouldn't allow it. "Yes," he said with a small nod, "You are safe." He repeated her words, wanting her to know, to be reassured that she would never have to suffer like that again, that there would always be someone to protect her, that he would always be there to protect her because he loved her.

“It was my own fault Celyn... I was just so stupid.”

"Don't say that." The words were almost blurted out, an immediate reaction to hers. Unlike before, he wasn't thinking about what he was saying, it was all just happening, hoping that some of it would make her feel better. "None of this what your fault, Cait. None of it. I should have protected you, I should've stopped Morgana, I should've...done something." He broke off rather suddenly and looked down at the floor again, immediately regretting his words, he'd gone too far, almost told her everything. He bit his lip again because he was at a complete loss at what else to do. Nothing seemed good enough for the situation.

And now they were both looking at the floor and he was starting to regret coming here in the first place only he'd needed to see her, needed to at least try. Celyn could see that she was trying not to cry. As much as he'd hate to see her cry, he hated even more to see her try not to. She didn't need to be strong and brave around him. Before he knew what he was doing he'd put his arm around her. It was a weird sensation, just holding her, completely terrifed of how she would react.

[Caitrin de Archer]

They were just sat in silence, and Caitrin felt like that was her fault. Celyn had come here to cheer her up, or at least that was why she assumed he was here. He always came to her side, and Caitrin never really let him know how much that was appreciated. She looked back up at him, still unsure of what to say. She could see he knew she was lying, but then again she wasn’t giving a convincing argument to back up her words. She wasn’t fine, they both knew that, so once again silence ensued. What Caitrin didn’t know was how to change that fact, she wasn’t sure she was ever going to change it. There was nothing anyone could say to make her feel better, nothing she could think of anyway. She stiffly nodded as Celyn repeated her words. It had eased her mind of course to be back home, even if she was under her Uncle’s gaze now. He hadn’t said anything to her about the dungeons, he either didn’t want to know or didn’t want to make it worse. The silence hadn’t helped, and it had driven Caitrin to isolate everything within herself, and carry the burden of what had happened by herself.

Celyn’s sudden outburst forced her eyes up to her friend, and she was almost confused for a few moments. Why was he taking so much of her blame? It wasn’t his fault she had been too stubborn to try and protect herself. She had opened herself up to all that Morgana had thrown at her, no one else had done that, just her. Her hand was still on top of Celyn’s, and she squeezed it softly again. “You couldn’t have stopped Morgana, and you know I wouldn’t have wanted anything to happen to you.” If Celyn had tried to protect her, and ended up being hurt in some way in the process, Caitrin wouldn’t have been able to forgive herself. She had done enough damage already, she didn’t want to hurt Celyn as well.

Caitrin was just staring rather uselessly at the floor. This was ridiculous; she couldn’t even face one of her closest friends without fearing she was going to lose her hold on her emotions. She felt so different to the last time she had seen Celyn. True, she had been upset then because of Griff, but it was nothing in comparison to what she was feeling right here and now; with him. She just felt hollow; Morgana’s words still rung through her at times, and left her just as distraught and scared as she had been when they had first been spoken. She just carried on focussing on the floor, thinking if she blocked everything out then her emotions wouldn’t overspill into reality; she couldn’t, not in front of Celyn.

But then he went and put his arm around her, and suddenly everything changed. She wasn’t upset, or shocked at his action, to her, strangely it just felt natural. She didn’t resist his touch, instead, as he just held her there she felt her emotions suddenly wash over her, the same emotions she’d been trying to repress since she had left the dungeons. The first small tear ran down her pale cheek, and was quickly followed by others. Instead of burying her head in her hands, she turned her body into Celyn’s, and rested her head against his chest and began to weep against him. She wasn’t sobbing loudly, or making a dramatic scene, she was just sobbing silently into Celyn’s shirt. It didn’t enter her thoughts for a moment to stop, or pull away from Celyn. His arm around her felt comforting and warm, and she needed that now; she needed to feel like someone cared about her.

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn wasn't exactly sure what he was doing. Caitrin was crying. She never cried. But in a way he was glad she was, she needed to after everything she'd been through. It was stupid to try and keep all her emotions under control at a time like this. And the fact that she was crying in front of him, no matter how much he hated to see her like this, meant that she trusted him. He just wished he knew what to do now.

He wanted to tell her everything was going to be alright, that she was going to be alright, that he would never let anything happen to her again. Hell, he wanted to tell her he loved her. But he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair, not at a time like this. Instead he just stayed there, just holding her and trying to keep himself in check because he couldn't let himself ruin this. She needed him.

Oh Jesu, this was harder than he thought. Just being here, with her, was harder than he thought. And yet she was completely oblivious to everything going on in his head. She was completely oblivious to the way he felt about her, the fact that he would do anything to stop her feeling like this because he couldn't bare to see her so broken.

And then for some reason he kissed the top of her head. Now he only felt worse. It was probably a gesture to far. He was meant to be making her feel better, not...well, not this. He pulled away from her slightly. "I'm sorry Cait. I-I just want you to know I'm here for you."

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin didn’t enjoy crying, especially in front of anyone else. She hadn’t cried in front of Morgana, not even when the woman had threatened everything she had cared for. She’d been scared, yes, but she hadn’t cried. Now however, Caitrin couldn’t stop her tears from falling and she didn’t even have the will to try anymore. What was the point of trying to act strong when Celyn already knew that wasn’t the case at all? She’d already shown him just how broken she truly was.

She closed her eyes for a few moments, just trying to not think of anything apart from the warm sensation that Celyn was providing by just holding her. She let out a small sigh as he kissed the top of her head. For a moment she didn’t want the embrace to end, she didn’t want Celyn to pull back. Even when he did pull back from her, she didn’t copy his actions. Instead she nuzzled her head into his chest, where it quite comfortably sat and just continued to weep. This wasn’t fair on him, and there was a small voice at the back of her mind constantly telling her that. His words weren’t as strong as they usually were, and he almost sounded like he was uncertain. Caitrin couldn’t understand why, but she wasn’t in her right frame of mind, she for a moments instead just remained silent; her head still against Celyn’s chest.

Eventually however, Caitrin did pull back from Celyn, not because she wanted to but because she didn’t wait to speak to him without looking him in the eye. She missed the comfort resting herself against him had brought her straight away, as she raised her glossy eyes to Celyn’s. His arm was still around her, and tears were still rolling down her cheeks, though not as furiously as they had been a few moments ago. “I know.” Was all she could manage in a slightly high pitched voice, “Just- just promise you won’t leave me. Not now.” Again, showing her vulnerability was not something Caitrin often did, but she didn’t even realise she had at first. She didn’t want Celyn to run off, and leave her as Griff had done. To steady herself, she slipped one of her arms around Celyn’s back, so her fingers came to rest on the small of his back, and she just looked on at her friend, not sure what to say for a moment. For a second, her eyes dropped to Celyn’s lips, but quickly snapped up to his face. Jesu what was she doing?

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

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Celyn had never been terribly good at hiding his emotions. He was rather good at ignoring them and pretending they weren’t there, but it was blindingly obvious that they were there. He couldn’t deny the fact that he loved Caitrin, and he was sure that every time he looked at her he betrayed his feelings. He also couldn’t deny the fact that he hated Griff Aubert, especially when he didn’t deserve and when he hurt her, and how even after everything she’d been through, everything he’d done to her Caitrin de Archer – the strongest woman in the world – was still waiting for him to come back. Even if he did, Celyn was convinced he’d just ruin everything again and leave. That’s what he did. And yet Caitrin would still be waiting. She’d wait forever for him. And Celyn would watch.

It was a selfish thought, but he was rather a selfish person and he couldn’t help but feel grateful that Caitrin was here with him, just sitting here, being so open. Of course he wanted her pain to stop, but he didn’t want this moment to, because when it did they would go back to how they were. He’d have to watch her try and piece her life back together, completely unable to help her, whereas now she needed him and he didn’t want her to stop. He was just holding her, nothing special, it was just what you did to comfort people, and yet it was the most important thing he’d ever done.

“I promise I’ll never leave you.” He replied, a small but sad smile across his lips. Of course he would never leave her, he loved her far too much for that. There had been times when he’d considered it, when he couldn’t stand to see her so happy with someone else, but he just couldn’t leave. What would he do? Wander aimlessly and feel sorry for himself. He was still doing that, but he was still able to see her, and that was worth everything.

Tentatively, he wiped the tears from her face with his thumb. She hadn’t reacted badly when he’d kissed her forehead, so he felt he was able to do this as well. It wasn’t a particularly grand gesture, but at least she’d know he cared about her and that he didn’t want to see her hurt, even if there was nothing he could do about it. “You’ll never be alone, Caitrin de Archer. Never.”

[Caitrin de Archer]

There was a warmth in Celyn’s words which Caitrin could feel herself already clinging to. In a way, she knew he wasn’t about to leave, after all, his arm was still around her. She hadn’t felt stiff in his embrace at all, no, she had just welcomed it, like it was something she had desperately needed right now. There wasn’t much else to cling onto at the moment, wherever she looked she could see how her life had fallen to pieces around her, but here with Celyn she could see a way to start rebuilding, or perhaps this was just a way to escape her problems for a few hours. Either way, she was glad he wasn’t going anywhere. She mirrored the smile across his lips for a few moments, and nodded into him, shifting her arm so she could settle herself further within his embrace. “Thank you.” She said softly into him, Jesu, he was so warm. The voice telling her to stop and pull away was starting to fade, Celyn’s embrace was too comforting for her to ignore.

As he wiped her tears away, she closed her eyes to take in his touch. Her skin prickled as his thumb brushed over the flesh. Once his fingers had moved she wanted them to return. Jesu, what was wrong with her? She sniffed back her next tears, and though they did not stop, she wanted to make some sort of effort for him, because he was trying to fix what Griff had broken. She gave him a weak sort of smile and ran her hand through her hair. She probably looked a state, though it was the last thing on her mind right now. For now she just wanted to focus on the man in front of her, the man who had always been there for her, and had never left her side. Celyn had always been so loyal to her, she couldn’t understand what she had ever done to inspire his loyalty. Sometimes, she caught him looking at her in the way that Griff sometimes did. She’d never really thought anything of it until they’d entered into this intimate situation. The look was still there, and she wondered what was truly going on in Celyn’s mind. She wasn’t going to ask, because he’d never tell her, but she did truly wonder sometimes. She took his hand and squeezed it again, “Not so long as you’re here.” She finished softly. She felt utterly abandoned from every other front. Her lover had run off, and even Rouland wouldn’t speak to her properly, no, for now there was just Celyn by her side.

Caitrin was just looking on at Celyn as her tear continued to fall, showing no intention of stopping anytime soon. She wasn’t afraid so much now to show her true feelings in front of Celyn, after all he wasn’t reacting badly. Within her, something stirred as she looked on at him, something which was aiming to distract her from her grief, and from thinking about the man who had started all this. She bit her lip subconsciously, as her eyes dropped to Celyn’s once more. She looked at him in a completely different way, and felt a familiar warmth pulse through her body. For a moment, time almost started to slow and she put a hand on Celyn’s leg, just above the knee. She hadn’t even realised she had done it at first, and looked down at her hand before raising her eyes back to Celyn. Breathing out slowly, Caitrin’s mind went blank, there was nothing there anymore; just her and Celyn. Shifting slightly, Caitrin inched herself closer to Celyn, just testing the waters at first. Jesu, the temptation was here, and the impulse was burning up inside Caitrin, needing an output. Slowly, and Jesu she moved slowly, she inched her head towards Celyn’s, and closed her eyes as she pressed her moist lips against his tentatively, merging them together.

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn wasn't entirely sure what we was doing. Alright, that was a lie, he knew exactly what he was doing - he was making a mistake, a rather large one, the confusion came in the form of why he was doing it. Caitrin was vulnerable and hurting and she didn't need someone like him taking advantage of that. But this is something he'd wanted for so long, something he'd always accepted would never happen. Caitrin would never look at him like that, never touch him like that, and yet here she was. It was completely taking advantage of her but he didn't want to stop.

He tried to convince himself that this was something she wanted, needed even, not because of him in particular, just needed that connection with someone and he just happened to be there. He just happened to have his arm around her, just happened to be kissing her back, to be running his hand through her hair.

After far too much time had passed he eventually broke away from her. What the hell was he doing? This was ridiculous. He needed to keep away from her because he couldn't trust himself anymore. He'd always had so much self-control and now it had all just disappeared. He shifted slightly so they were no longer quite as close and ran a hand over his face. "Cait, I...I shouldn't have kissed you back. I," he sighed. He wanted to kiss her again so much, to run his hands through her hair and not care about anything but her, without guilt, without the fear that he would ruin everything between them. "I'm sorry."

[Caitrin de Archer]

Under normal circumstances, Caitrin would have been surprised by Celyn’s response to her kiss. Then again, if anything about her life anymore was normal they wouldn’t be in this situation anyway, so it was all relative. His touch was tender against the strands of her hair, and she sighed softly into his embrace as he ran his fingers along her hair, just how she loved it. With more confidence, she kissed him back softly, she didn’t feel uncomfortable, she was just getting a feel for him. She brought her hand to rest at his cheek, and let herself just relax into the arm Celyn was still holding around her waist.

When Celyn broke away, Caitrin just looked on at him, dropping her arms back to her side as she breathed out softly. Her mind was trying to rationalise this, and tell her she’d just got caught up in the moment. This was Celyn, her best friend, what the hell was she doing? But inside she was aching, every time she looked at his lips, and she could feel the warmth which Griff had inspired so much within her, burning up, not for him, but for Celyn. She blinked a few times, not really listening to what he was saying. Instead, she just shuffled towards him, and put her arm around his waist, and her head returned to his shoulder. Her eyes were still moist, but she wasn’t sobbing anymore. All she could think about now was the man sitting beside her, and maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Lifting her head off his shoulder, as they had descended into silence, she just looked up at him, at this wonderful man in front of her.

She slowly raised a hand to brush her fingers across his cheek tenderly. She just wanted to test the waters, and approach this as tenderly as he had. “Do you remember when we first met?” Jesu, that had been so long ago now, long before she had met Griff and long before any of this mess. Everything had just been about her and Celyn back then, “You said I would be the one to do the dragging the next time.” Her hands shifted, and found themselves at the fabric on the front of his shirt with ease. Her fingers dragged Celyn towards her, as she pressed her lips to his again, needing that connection; that intimacy. Her kiss was soft, gentle, and his lips were warm and inviting. She didn’t know what she was doing, or why she was doing it, but she couldn’t stop herself. “Please.” Her voice was a whisper, but she needed this, she needed him to take her in his arms, and for everything to be fine in this moment. Caitrin had been sat in here, on her own for far too long now, she was craving that intimate attention now more than ever. She needed to be touched, and more importantly, she just needed to feel wanted and loved.

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[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn shouldn't be doing what he was doing but his brain and body were no longer united. He shouldn't still want to kiss her, she was hurting and he would only go and make things worse for the both of them. He would regret this as soon as it was done, and it could very easily ruin their friendship. But Caitrin did need him right now, needed that contact with somone and despite his best efforts he was glad that it was him.

Her arm was around his waist. He closed his eyes and bit his lip and tried not care so much. Not only was this taking advantage of Caitrin when she was clearly in a vulnerable state, but he was only torturing himself, tasting the forbidden fruit for the first and last time, and feeling horrible about it. Caitrin would never love him, of this he was certain, so allowing himself to be in such a situation was just going to cause him more heartache. This would mean nothing to her, but everything to him.

His hand went to hold hers as it brushed against his cheek. He wanted, needed, Caitrin to know that he was there for her, that he'd always be there for her no matter what. He wanted her to know just how much this all meant to him, just how much she meant to him but the words were stuck in his throat. Instead he just looked at her - this mess of a woman, so broken and fragile and everything she shouldn't be, and yet still so strong, and he couldn't help but want to kiss her again, to feel her skin against his, feel that connection he'd never felt before.

Celyn nodded at her words, a small smile forming on his lips. He'd been trying to run away from Ifan and ended up finding Caitrin. He was going to reply but her speech continued. His eyebrows furrowed. Is this really what she wanted? Would it be wrong of him to give in? She was kissing him again so he kissed her back because he didn't want anything else, he didn't want to leave, he just wanted her. He broke away, his lips barely away from hers, his eyes still closed. "Cait, I..." I love you, I always have because you're mad and bright and everything I want and I can't stand to see you like this. I just...love you. He wanted to tell her, he wanted to confess everything and for her to understand, he wanted this secret out and for it to stop burning inside of him, but he couldn't. He couldn't tell her he loved her because it could ruin everything. "I...I've never done this before."

[Caitrin de Archer]

Celyn was kissing her back, and Caitrin shouldn’t have been enjoying the sensation as much as she was. She had never seen Celyn like this before, but now she did she couldn’t stop herself. She could feel that burning sensation rising up from within her, and it needed an outlet. Celyn was her best friend, and though she should feel bad about taking advantage of him, she couldn’t stop herself. She just needed this right now, she needed that connection with someone. She’d spent long enough time grieving, and not feeling like herself, and perhaps now was the time to change it. She still didn’t feel like herself at all, she wasn’t sure she ever would.

The fact Celyn hadn’t done anything like this before struck Caitrin as odd, but perhaps hat was because her morals were different to his on this topic. She didn’t want to dwell on it, because it would take away from the mood of the occasion. She wanted this to just be about her and Celyn. She gave a small nod of acknowledgement at his words, he wasn’t offering any objections, so she slipped both her fingers within his and squeezed them softly. “We’ll take it slowly.” She reassured him gently. She couldn’t remember ever being particularly tender in any of her advances, but she didn’t feel like rushing this tonight. Her bed was quite large, so meant they wouldn’t have to worry about the space. She pushed off her shoes, and using the fact she was holding Celyn’s hands she pulled him fully on to the bed so they were now both sat in the middle of the bed. Caitrin slipped her fingers out of Celyn’s and looked upto him, almost feeling nervous. She never ever felt nervous about this kind of thing, it was almost second nature to her, but right now she did feel nervous. She just didn’t want to get this wrong for him. Celyn deserved better than that.

She shifted herself, so she was more comfortable, and bit her lip out of habit. Breathing out slowly, she pressed her lips against his again, already missing the sensation of his lips against hers. Caitrin didn’t deepen the kiss straight away, instead one of her hands pressed against the fabrics at his chest. As her lips moved across Celyn’s, she deepened the kiss and slipped one of her hands underneath his shirt, and smoothed across the warm skin of his chest. Her other arm hooked around his waist, the kiss still deep against their lips. She sighed out softly, raising the arm that was around his waist to run through his hair. Everything she did was slow, and tender. She was taking so much attention with everything she did, because she needed this connection right now. It had been so long since she had been touched, and cared about, that all thoughts of taking advantage of Celyn were somewhat lost in her thoughts. She couldn’t help herself, she didn’t have enough self control to stop herself now, she just wanted to carry on and get lost within Celyn’s embrace.

Post #800

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn's imagined this moment several times, but somehow he'd never imagined it happening like this. In his mind Caitrin would always turn up out of breath and hair all over her face because she'd been running, because she'd made a mistake, because she loved him, not anyone else and he'd smile and invite her in and then eventually they would end up like this. In his right mind he would stop her, remove her hands from his person and tell her that this wasn't going to help at all, but he's not in his right mind, he's desperate to be needed, wanted, desired. So he just continues and forgets about everything other than Caitrin.

He lets her pull him further onto the bed because he doesn't really know what he's doing and he's probably doing everything wrong but he supposes Caitrin is too far gone to care. It takes him by surprise when her hands are underneath his shirt, and his immediate reaction is to tense his muscles. This shouldn't be happening but he can't stop himself instead he lets his own hands explore Caitrin, pushing the skirt of her dress to expose the soft skin underneath. Her skin is soft and smooth and warm and feels strange against his own. He keeps expecting her to change her mind, to push him away, and some small part of him still hopes she will. His pride should be intervening - telling him that this shouldn't be how it happens, with her grieving over someone else, but he needs to lose himself just as much as he does. He needs to forget that she'll never love him and just be with her now.

His hands are shaking slightly, his nerves getting the better of him, but he doesn't let that stop him. The only thing that's going to stop him now is Caitrin changing her mind. So he follows his instincts, leaning forward until they're both lying down, his hands continuing to explore every inch of her they can find. Every time he tells himself to stop, he just thinks how he would regret leaving now. He's taking advantage of her, using her vulnerability for his own selfish means, but she's letting him and with each kiss confirming that she wants this too, she wants him, even if it's just in this moment but it's enough for Celyn.

[Caitrin de Archer]

The fact that this was somewhat new to Celyn made Caitrin more determined to make this special, and tender, just for him. She’d had many men in the past, far more than she wanted to admit to, but this was different. She’d known Celyn for years now, and here they were. His hands on her legs made her sigh out against his lips. His touch was so gentle, yet still it set her heart racing, and she could feel the passion that he was inspiring within her building up. She wasn’t sure how long her self control would last, but for Celyn she was prepared to wait.

Caitrin just let herself lean with Celyn, until she was comfortably underneath him; their lips still merged together. Her heart and pulse were fluttering at his every touch, she didn’t know what she was doing anymore, or why she was doing it. It had become instinct to her, a means of relief, and had Caitrin been anywhere near a fit state of mind her brain would be telling her to stop, and to tell Cely that she couldn’t do this, not to him. It wasn’t because she didn’t care about him, but it ws becuse she didn’t want to lose him. However, that part of her brain had already left her thoughts. The only thing she could concentrate on was making this as enjoyable for Celyn as it was for her. There was a part of her which wanted, and needed this, not just with anyone, but with Celyn. There must have been a part of him as well which wanted this too, because he wasn’t stopping either.

She smoothed both her hands underneath Celyn’s shirt, pushing the fabrics up so he could shift it off with ease. He was still leaning over her once he’d taken his shirt off, and Caitrin just let her eyes flicker over his torso; the candle light flickering over his toned chest. Both her hands ran up from his abdomen until they came to settle behind his neck, pulling him down into her embrace once more. She didn’t kiss him straight away, instead she just held him there for a few moments with his breath tingling against her lips. “Is this what you want?” She asked quietly, their lips were painfully close, and she pressed her lips to his briefly, waiting for an answer. For once she wasn’t feeding her ego with such questions, she wanted, or more needed to know that Celyn wanted this as much as she did, just for tonight.

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

If there was ever a time for his conscience to be screaming at him, now would definitely be it. The same words kept running through his mind, over and over again: he shouldn't be doing this, he was taking advantage of Caitrin, he'd only end up regretting this, but such sentences were not repeated loudly enough. He readily ignored them because he just wanted this, wanted this connection, wanted to be needed by her.

He could no longer stop himself, and although part of him was still reminding the other part why this was such a bad idea, he didn't want to stop himself. He wanted to lose himself in her, he wanted to explore every inch of her, feel her skin against his, forget everything and just be with her. And she was making it all too easy for him. His shirt was already on the floor, her hands running along his bare skin, his own seeking hers, albeit tentatively but no less eagerly. He didn't know exactly what he was going, but he was a quick learner.

Her question was rather unexpected, and brought him back to reality, somewhere he really didn't want to be. His eyebrows creased slightly, trying to work out what was going through her mind. Why did she ask? Didn't she want this too? She had been the one to kiss him, surely that meant this was what she wanted? It was definitely something he wanted, and by this point he'd gone beyond caring what he should do. His entire life was a saga of things he should do, this was something he wanted, and something he'd thought she'd wanted too. "I want you, Cait." He finally said, but immediately regretted those words. He'd never told her how he really felt, it would never have made a difference and right now it was certainly something she didn't need. Hopefully she would just assume he was talking about this moment, and not something he'd felt since he'd met her.

[Caitrin de Archer]

There was nothing in these moments that Caitrin de Archer was particularly proud of. She felt selfish, and dirty. She was using her best friend, and she knew that, but she was too far gone to stop. She was too wrapped up in Celyn, and she just needed to feel loved and wanted. Her hands were still just smoothing over the soft skin of his chest. She couldn’t help herself, and Celyn was making it all so easy. Caitrin wasn’t listening to the part of her head that was telling her to stop, she was just focussing on the man that was towering above her. Her fingers ran down his back, and she arched her back to him as his hands found her exposed skin. God, she needed this.

Celyn’s words spurred her on, he wanted this as much as she did. She shifted herself so she could sit up, and helped him lift her dress over her head. Jesu, he was so tender; nothing was rushed. Caitrin raised her eyes to him, finding herself nervous somehow. She let her lips find his and whispered against them, “I want you too Cel.” It was enough for both of them, and Caitrin felt Cel’s hands explore the newly exposed skin, and she closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation and letting herself get completely lost within his embraces. His lips were so warm and inviting that she never wanted them to be apart, and this time it was Caitrin’s turn to push Celyn back on the bed. She said she would show him how to do this slowly, and she was a woman of her word. Her hands were at his breeches, and he helped her undo the laces. Again, nothing was rushed, everything seemed to just be steady, as if they were both intently focussing on this as to pleasure the other person as much as they could. She rolled to one side as Celyn did pull down his breeches, and they both just feasted on the other person through their eyes, just for a few moments. As they did, Caitrin could feel her excitement growing, there was a fire within her which needed an outlet, and Celyn had provided her with one.

Caitrin moved slowly back on top of Celyn, sitting on his stomach and letting her lips press against his as his hands found her chest. She moaned against his lips, and she could feel his excitement growing against her. She had done this so many times, but right here and now she did feel nervous. Jesu, what was wrong with her? Caitrin lifted herself up slightly, and nudged Celyn into another small kiss before his hands found her waist, and he took her with all the tenderness and care he’d taken into their seduction so far. As he started to take her slowly, they both knew, for tonight at least, she was his.

Fade to black

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn ap Llewellyn awoke to see a blur of red in front of him. Without thinking he shuffled closer and slipped an arm around Caitrin's waist before closing his eyes again and just enjoying the moment. He wanted to just stay like this, exactly like this, just being with her, feeling her warm, soft skin beneath her fingertips, not having to pretend he didn't care for her the way he did. It was selfish, but it was true. Caitrin had needed him last night and he wasn't ready to give that up yet. He wasn't ready to be pushed away. He'd go back to being her friend, to trying to offer advice and not really helping, but always being there, always a friend. It had been enough for him, or at least, he'd managed to tell himself it was enough for him. But last night had changed everything. He didn't want to be Caitrin's friend. He wanted more, he wanted her.

The moment's serenity was already disappearing and the guilt was starting to come back to him. Last night shouldn't have happened. He should have stopped himself, no matter what Caitrin said she wanted, he should have done something. He'd completely used her and taken advantage of her vulnerability. And yet he still couldn't bring himself to move. No matter how much he'd hate himself for it, no matter how guilty he felt, he just couldn't ruin this moment. He'd never wake up next to Caitrin again, he'd never be the one person she needed. Part of him was also fairly convinced last night would always be something she regretted, but he just couldn't bring himself to feel the same way.

[Caitrin de Archer]

The morning light was slowly breaking through Caitrin’s sleep, but she didn’t open her eyes just yet. In a few moments of bliss she couldn’t remember what had happened, she could just feel someone’s arms around her, and for a few moments. It didn’t take her long to remember that this wasn’t Griff, and that it was Celyn who was holding her, and pressing his body up against her own. She shifted slightly, so her back was pressed up against his chest. She just didn’t want to move straight away, though she knew she eventually would have to. She already felt the inevitable guilt ripping through her. She tried to ignore it, but the fact was there. She had used her friend for her own selfish means, and there was no going back from that. But still, her hand closed over the one that Celyn had around her, and she squeezed it gently. Caitrin sighed out slowly, and pressed her lips and eyes together. She had no idea what to say to Celyn, what could she possibly have to say to him after what she’d put him through?

Really, Caitrin didn’t want to move, because moving would involve her facing what had happened last night, and trying to make amends for it. She had thought days like this were well behind her, when she’d been younger she had taken men into her bed without a second thought. It had been second nature for her then. Now however it was completely different. She had seduced her best friend because of her own selfish desires. She didn’t regret what they had done, she regretted the way in which it had been done. He had just been so tender with her last night, like he had known that was what she had needed. She couldn’t really explain it, he had said last night that he had wanted her, but she’d just dismissed his words, thinking them nothing but as part of the moment. They probably were, but it didn’t make it any easier to justify what she had done.

Eventually Caitrin opened her eyes slightly, but she was just looking at the wall, her curtains were only half pulled across so the morning light was shining on both of them. She could feel her stomach sink slightly as she knew she was going to have to move and break the silence. Slowly, and carefully, Caitrin flipped herself over, so she was now facing Celyn and she managed a small smile at him. For a moment her head just seemed to stop thinking, and she just stayed silent until she mentally kicked herself, “You must hate me.” Was all she could think to say, how could he do anything but hate her after what she’d done to him?