Enough for Me for Now [Caitrin]

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

The peace of the morning was fading all too fast. He could feel Caitrin stirring next to him. Couldn't they just stay like this? Jesu, if there was ever a time to hate Griff Aubert it was now. It was his leaving that had broken Caitrin in the first place, that made Celyn come here, that made Caitrin so desperate last night, and, Celyn thought with bitter irony, it was Griff who was the only person who could make this sorry mess any better. It wouldn't matter what Celyn did, or said, or felt, if Griff ever stepped back intro Caitrin's life she would go back to him. He would hurt her again, Celyn was sure of that, and he would watch and then try desperately to look after her but it would never be enough. He would never be enough.

He loosened his arm around her waist so she could roll over easily. She looked so beautiful, so natural, almost like the old Caitrin. And she was smiling, a small smile, but a smile nonetheless and one that he matched. Seeing her face just brought back all the feelings of guilt, all those voices in his head telling him last night should not have happened. He had taken advantage of Caitrin at a time when she had needed a friend. She hadn't needed him, she'd needed a friend. Celyn had managed be anything but a friend last night. He'd been acting purely for himself, pretending this was what Caitrin wanted when he should have just stopped. He should have treated her better.

As she spoke the smile faded from his lips. How could be possibly hate her? He loved her. There was not a part of her, a single part, that he didn't love. She was everything. No, he hated himself and he hated Griff but he could never hate her. Once again, he wanted to tell her. He wanted her to know that even though Griff had abandoned her, even though Celyn had used her last night, she was loved and she always would be. But, just like every other time, he couldn't bring himself to say the words. So he just kissed her cheek. "I could never hate you." He bit his lip, avoiding eye contact. "Myself on the other hand."

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin had never felt more like a coward than she did now. The memories of what they had done last night were still running through her thoughts whenever she closed her eyes. The worst thing was, she didn’t regret it, and she wasn’t sure why she didn’t regret it. Celyn hadn’t stopped her, but she hadn’t stopped herself, and maybe she should have. In a way, she had promised herself the days of welcoming men to her bed, aside from Griff of course, were over. She had been loyal to him until last night, and that was probably why the guilt was starting to rip through her so much. It didn’t matter to her that she hadn’t heard from Griff in months, she knew in her heart of hearts, as much as she didn’t want to admit it, that if he walked through the door now she would run into his arms He had that control over her, whether he knew it or not, and Caitrin still loved him entirely, but she supposed Griff would never know that. He might not even care.

The thoughts of Griff just made her feel worse when she was looking at Celyn. She had no idea how to justify how she had acted last night, and she had meant her words. Celyn had every reason to hate her. She’d gone and ruined everything they had had between them; neither of them would ever forget this night. Of that she was sure. There was a warm feeling which ripped through Caitrin as Celyn said that he could never hate her. That felt more like what they had been to each other, and there was hope there, hope that she hadn’t ruined everything. When he kissed her, it just felt like a friendly embrace, or like a brother would to a sister, as long as you ignored the circumstances. “You would have every reason to; I’ve ruined everything.” She was getting rather good at that. Bit by bit she was managing to ruin her life, she’d wrecked her relationship with Griff, put herself in Morgana’s way, she’d used Celyn and, though no one would ever know, she’d even managed to ruin starting a family.

Caitrin felt her insides turn with guilt as Celyn spoke. She couldn’t understand, how could he hate himself? This had been her fault after all, at least she felt like it was her fault. She hadn’t really given him a choice last night. He had tried to break off from her, but she’d just carried on anyway. She shook her head at him, “Please, don’t say that.” She didn’t want him to hate himself, she didn’t hate him, she still felt guilty for taking advantage of him. “It was my fault Cel. Not yours.” Caitrin took his spare hand and squeezed it softly, she didn’t want Celyn to feel like she blamed him at all, because she didn’t. Now the only thing going through her mind was where they went from here. She didn’t want to lose him, he was her best friend and he’d seen her through so much in their time together, and she’d gone and ruined it in an evening of selfishness. She didn’t want to apologise, because that would mean she regretted what they’d done together, and perhaps that would hurt Celyn even more? She had no idea. “I don’t want to lose you Cel, I just-“ She’d just needed that connection last night, she knew that she did, but that didn’t make it any easier to stomach. “I just can’t lose you, I know what we did, but I don’t want to lose you.”

[Celyn ap Llewellyn]

Celyn bit his lip, this wasn't Caitrin in front of him, or at least not the real Caitrin - the confident Caitrin, the one who would just shrug away any impossible situation and flash a grin and run off to find the next excitement. This was a Caitrin ruined by those who loved her, and Celyn didn't know how to help her. He wanted to, he wanted nothing more than to see her smile again, really smile, see that mischevious spark in her eye. He would give anything to see that again. "Don't say that." He told her, willing her not to believe her words were true. "You haven't ruined anything." His words were firm, he needed her to believe him, to know that none of this was her fault, that these things, these feelings she had were not going to last. She was going to smile and laugh again, Celyn was determined.

Her words stung despite how much he knew she was trying to make amends. But he didn't want to hear them, he didn't want to her to lie there and tell him she didn't want to lose him because it hurt. It hurt to know that she blamed herself, that she thought he would turn her back on him, and it hurt to know that when she said lose him, she meant nothing more than friendship. After all, why would she? She had no love for him, at least not in the way that he wanted, not in the way that he loved her. Last night had changed something, changed a part of him, and he didn't know if he could continue like this - as Caitrin's friend. It would be so much easier to just leave, to go back home to Sugales and try to forget about her. But then she would lose him, and he would lose her, and he couldn't do that. It hurt to stay, but it would be worse to go. He wasn't brave enough. "You won't lose me," he reassured her, a small smile tugging at your lips. "I'm your friend. I always will be, no matter what."

[Caitrin de Archer]

All in all, Caitrin de Archer felt incredibly pathetic. She had managed to ruin everything about her life so far, and yet all she could bring herself to do was to sit here and mope about it. She didn’t have any motivation to just get up and brush the world from her shoulders anymore. She had lost that talent as soon as Griff had walked out the door. There had been many times in her life where she had picked herself and just got on with life; if she had dared to look back too much then she would never have been able to cope. That was why she never spoke about her father, or the fact she had sorcery, or even about the night Helgund had died. It was all too painful to comprehend so she’d just got on with her life, and she’d put on a brave face about it. As long as the world had thought that there was nothing wrong, then she was one step closer to believing it as well. However, Caitrin couldn’t bring herself to just pick herself up this time. Celyn sounded so sure that he was telling her the truth, but if that was the case, then why could she not accept it? It felt like she had ruined everything. “I have.” She whispered back at him; he didn’t know about her miscarriage, and for a moment she was tempted to tell him. Maybe then he’d understand. She couldn’t just come out with it though, not with the state they were both in.

A sense of relief washed over Caitrin, and she looked at Celyn as he spoke, trying to search for some hint that he might be lying, or playing her false. She could find none. Even if it was her naivety taking over, she didn’t care. She had to cling on to something now, and perhaps this was it. Celyn was still going to be there for her; perhaps this was the one thing she hadn’t ruined. It still sickened her to think what she had seduced Celyn to do though; she had used him, and there was no getting around that. They would always know, though they might continue as friends, they would always know what they both did here. That much would never leave them. It was hard for Caitrin to completely trust Celyn’s words when he first said them. Many had said they would never leave her. Griff had given her his heart, and promised to wed her, but he had left all the same. Words were easy, but Caitrin de Archer knew that was all they were at the end of the day. Just words. What else did she have though? Biting her lip, she decided she had to put some trust in him, or risk losing their friendship completely. She found his hand and squeezed it softly; tears in her eyes, “Thank you.”

She was still upset of course, but lying here was doing nothing but serving her the memories of what they had done last night. Covering herself as best she could with one of her arms, she reached for her chemise, which was on her bedside table as usual. Awkwardly, she slipped it on over her pale and fragile body, before running a hand through her hair. Sitting on the edge of her bed; her back to Celyn to give him some privacy as she assumed he too would like to dress, she found herself putting her head in her hands. This hadn’t solved anything; it had just made everything worse. “You were wrong when you said it wasn’t my fault.” She sniffed back and brushed her eyes on her sleeve, she needed to tell someone. It wasn’t ideal, conventional, but she had no one else now; no one else would understand, “One thing was, it was something I did-Jesu.” She buried her head in her hands again. If she had not taken on Morgana then the child might have lived, and she would have had some hope to cling onto, “I want to tell you, but you can never tell anyone Cel.” No one could ever know about her miscarriage, it would bring her name into the dirt, and what man would have a used woman?