Not Afraid of the Dark [morgana]

[Mordred]

Setting: Between series 2 and 3, when Morgana spends a year away from Camelot
Location: Druid camp in the forest just outside Camelot
Time: Dusk
Tags: Morgana Pendragon

A young druid boy crouched beside a fire, prodding it with a stick to coax the flames to cook a stew for himself and the other druids around him. He was glad to be among them after having spent so long among bandits. These were his people, peaceful and kind. Best of all, they encouraged his magic rather than feared or otherwise disapproved of it. Since he had last entered Camelot, he had grown somewhat, his voice starting to deepen as it prepared to break. His powers had strengthened, too, rivaling even the adult druids. Most of them could not cast spells without uttering a single word as he could, and knowing this brought him pride.

The boy, Mordred, quickly glanced around him to make sure there was someone close by to watch the fire. Swiftly, he darted into the small canvas shelter in which he slept and kept his few possessions, returning to the fireside with an emerald green cloak. He had had this cloak for years, and it was starting to be too short for him, but he did not mind. The material was drawn tightly around him against the cooling air of the gathering night. The stew was by now starting to boil, so he took a step back and looked around him. The shadows deepening and creeping beneath the trees used to frighten him. Before he had nightmares about what lurked in the forest, imagination twisting the shadow of a moving leaf into a great roaring beast ready to stalk and devour him while he slept.

How times had changed. His time with bandits had taught him not to show fear, and the month since he had spent reunited with the druids had taught him not to feel fear either. Of course, it was fine to be scared sometimes, and he was still scared of some dangers. The darkness was no longer among those dangers. He knew he was strong. The druids around him would protect him, being not just his teachers but his carers too. Even if they were not around, he was able to knock back men with a thought. This was enough to defend himself, he knew, and so he had less to fear from the darkness. While the darkness and what it might hide was something which had started to lose its scariness, other new aspects were showing themselves as dangers to not take lightly. These strong powers might protect him, but they would also get him killed if any of Uther's knights saw, as he was well aware. There was also something to be feared from the powers themselves; protecting himself was one thing, but he could really hurt people. As a druid, he had no desire to cause anyone any harm, and so it made him afraid of himself when he saw that despite his young age he was already so strong.

[morg]

It had been months since she had last seen the gates of Camelot, months since Merlin had tried to poison her, but Morgana was still not fully recovered. Despite her sister's healing powers and the beginning of her training in the use of magic, Morgana still found it hard to get up in the morning and get on with her day. Each day felt like a new obstacle to face, a new mountain to climb. The anger and hatred that grew inside her was literally sapping all of the energy from her heart, body, and soul.

It was for this reason that Morgause had suggested staying with the druids for a while. She had rushed the training, and hadn't given Morgana time to rest and recover emotionally. Morgana didn't honestly think she would ever recover. How was she to recover from the realization that one of her closest friends had tried to poison her?

Morgana wished it didn't hurt anymore. She was trying desperately to harden her heart to the very thought of Merlin and what he had done to her. She wished she could purge him from her memories, to forget that she had ever met Merlin. But she couldn't. So she had agreed to come and stay with the druids for a while. Perhaps they could help her find the peace that she so urgently needed to put it all behind her.

She had actually stopped for the night at a camp not far from the druids' camp. She could sense that they were close, but she didn't want to frighten them by sneaking up on them in the dark. She settled in a patch of trees and lit a fire, using the spell Morgause had taught her. But before she had even had time to begin preparing some food for dinner, two large druids burst into her camp. She wasn't sure if they knew who she was or if they were a mere patrol who thought she was a threat to the camp, so she raised her hands innocently. "I'm here to stay with the druids!" she cried. "I'm the lady Morgana!"

The druids merely picked her up and carried her to the camp, dropping her at Mordred's feet. "You know this woman?" they asked him gruffly.

"Mordred?" Morgana gasped.

[Mordred]

The fire was seen by the druids and a couple left to investigate. People of magic were not safe even living harmlessly as they were, so they had to be constantly wary of any other people who might be around them. Mordred noticed the druids leaving, but did not even look away from their own fire as they left. They would deal with the problem, so he had nothing to worry about. After a short while, however, they returned, bringing with them a third person. This was unusual. Most of the time, people nearby were watched carefully to ensure they meant no harm, then either left to carry on with their business, or were forcefully moved to a safe distance from the druid camp. Occasionally the sick or wounded were brought back to heal, but never a perfectly healthy person.

Mordred's serious face looked up from the fire to see the woman. A warm smile spread across his face as he recognised her and she spoke his name. "Morgana!" he exclaimed in delight, then looked at the two druids. "I know her. She is a friend," he told them, making them release her at once and step away. They kept an eye on her, but allowed the two a chance to talk. Mordred looked happier than he had done in a long time, his smiles being rare. His blue eyes shone with glee, grin persisting. He had missed Morgana dearly, and it was a good feeling to see her again at last.

After all this time had passed, much must have happened in Camelot. He had heard no news from the place, losing contact to stay safe. The last time he had seen her, it had been when he and Alvarr had plotted to use her in the stealing of the Crystal of Neahtid. The last person from Camelot he had seen was Merlin. Emrys often occupied his thoughts, being a great mystery to him. Why would he have something against a quiet young druid boy? He longed for a friendship with the warlock, wishing the man he looked up to and respected would change and accept him. It was almost as if he agreed with Uther's stance on magic. That would all change some day, Mordred hoped. He often found himself dreaming of a day when Arthur would rule as a kind and just King, he and Merlin together as powerful sorcerers protecting their King and helping Camelot. He knew that together he and Emrys could accomplish such great things, so why would he reject all that?

Here Morgana was, out of the blue. She could no doubt answer some of his questions, but first and foremost he was puzzled as to why she was so far from Camelot. Using his magic, he reached out with his mind and found hers, familiar and warm. Something had changed there, something darker, but it was still Morgana. "Why are you so far from Camelot? Is something wrong?" he asked through telepathy, concern clear in his voice. He cared deeply about Morgana, feeling closer to her than many of the other people he knew. He spoke through telepathy partly because he often felt uncomfortable with other people hearing his conversations, and partly because it was just his nature. He did not speak aloud very often, especially not to people he did not know, to the extent that many people when first meeting him thought he was mute.

[morg]

She probably should have been nervous as she was carried into the camp. She knew enough about the druids from past encounters to know that if they felt threatened, they would not hesitate to to take whatever actions they deemed necessary. But she was on her way to becoming a high priestess of the old religion.... still no where near as powerful as her sister, but she was getting there. Morgause hoped that she would learn from the druids, that she would find a way to channel her anger into something useful, rather than allowing it to distract her.

Morgana remained quiet as the druids brought her into their camp. She had said enough; she had told them who she was, and now they were obviously bringing her to an authority figure. She wasn't sure what she expected, but she did not expect to see Mordred.

It had been nearly a year since she had seen him last, but he had apparently grown quite a lot in a short period of time. His face was filling out, too, and he was beginning to look less like a boy and more like a young man. The mere sight of him soothed her heart in a way nothing else could have ever done.

"Mordred!" she cried, breaking into a smile. It was the first time she had smiled genuinely since the moment she had realized what Merlin had done to her.

In the past, she might have run to him and embraced him, but her greeting was more subdued this time. Maybe it was because of the druid guards who stood just behind her, but mostly it was because she found it hard to summon the energy for much of anything anymore.

His voice echoed in her head, and his words of concern nearly broke her. "I've been cast out of Camelot," she said softly. "Merlin...." She stopped and she could feel the rage beginning to burn inside her, as it always did whenever she spoke his name. "Merlin betrayed me."

[Mordred]

Mordred noticed that Morgana had changed too since they had last met. In the past, she would have been much more energetic, always ready to take action, stand up for people, or just talk. Now she seemed to have been changed by something, her old happiness which had brought her so much energy replaced by something else. But she was still Morgana. People changed, it was normal. The boy still felt a deep connection with the woman and she could not have changed that much, could she?

A frown crossed his face when she told him Merlin had betrayed her, his eyes darkening. Emrys. Why must he keep doing this? They were on the same side, he must know what it felt like having magic under Uther's rule! Mordred knew without a doubt that Emrys was good from the druid prophesies regarding him. What he could not understand then was why a good person destined to be the greatest sorcerer who ever lived could possibly behave like this to other magic users when they needed his help. The last time they had met, he had even tried to kill him by tripping him up and leaving him to the guards, something he could not forget. The only explanation that made any sense would be if he and Morgana were bad, but he knew Morgana was not and he was fairly certain he had done no wrong.

"Merlin? How could Merlin have done this to you? He was supposed to be our friend!" he spoke aloud this time in his quiet voice now that the other druids had moved further away to give them some space. There was a tone of anger and hurt in his voice, feeling betrayed again. He could not tell Morgana about the druid prophesies, but they accounted for some of the hurt he felt. Emrys was the one person he thought he could trust, and just as he had been thinking that perhaps he might not be so bad after all, this happened.

[morg]

How could Morgana begin to explain what had happened since she last saw Mordred? It hadn't even been that long ago, really, and yet it felt like a lifetime ago. Morgana had been a different person then. She knew, deep down, that she was not the same innocent girl who had lived in Camelot and fought to save the young druid boy.

It all came back to that one horrible day, which was still muddled and confusing in her mind. The whole city had been seized with the horrible sleeping sickness, and attackers--including Morgause--had been invading the city.

She still did not know the truth behind the story of the sleeping sickness. She knew that Morgause had caused the spell, but she didn't know magic well enough to know how such a thing could be done and how she had been spared. So Merlin's actions that day seemed even more like a betrayal to her. She was convinced that he had done it because of her magic.

"He tried to murder me, Mordred. He poisoned me. Morgause--my sister--she was able to save me, but for a few minutes, I was dead."

Tears burned in her eyes but they did not fall. Instead, they seemed to freeze in her eyes as the cold, bitter feeling began to take over her.

"I've changed, Mordred," she said. "I'm afraid you might not like who I've become."

[Mordred]

Mordred's eyes widened. A flash of anger ran through him, threatening to attack some nearby inanimate object with magic, but he controlled himself by clenching his jaw and fists. Merlin had tried to murder her? Emrys, of all people. The man had a grudge against the young boy for some unknown reason, but he and Morgana were supposed to be friends. Was the greatest sorcerer to ever live all that good after all? The druids predicted he was to be highly skilled at magic, and some knew his destiny better than others, but perhaps he was not destined to be a good guy after all. That did not seem to fit, however, as he was spoken of highly with respect rather than fear, and he would help people without taking any credit. That was not the sort of thing an evil man did, plus he was dedicated to Arthur, someone whom Mordred trusted to be a fair king some day as he had saved his life before despite him being a druid and sentenced to death for it.

So perhaps it was not Emrys, but rather Morgana who was the problem. She had she had changed, and he might not like the change. Emrys may have only been trying to protect the kingdom. He had heard unsavoury things about Morgause. She would be a bad influence, so for all he knew Morgana could have posed a threat. This simple news was something he would think over too much in the future, but for now he still trusted Morgana more than anyone else. He trusted her to tell him the truth, if only a select part of the truth. He had not been there, after all, so he could never tell for sure what had happened.

"Morgana, why did he do that? Did Merlin find out about your secret? He always seemed to nice to hurt anyone directly," he said, remembering how Emrys had failed to kill him directly in the past; he had turned up to save him from the guards when escaping Camelot, and he had tripped him but never directly made an attempt on his life. He considered telling her the truth about Merlin, but something stopped him. It didn't feel right. Revealing a person's magic to someone, even another magic user, was a huge betrayal to them. Although Emrys clearly didn't hold Mordred in high regard, he felt strongly by instinct that it would be wrong to expose him.

[morg]

Morgana sighed and sat down on a large tree root. The truth was, she really didn’t know exactly why Merlin had tried to kill her. Morgause had been rather vague in her explanation, and said something about him using her to get Morgause to lift the spell on Camelot. But that seemed rather an extreme step to take, especially for someone who claimed to be her friend.

“Merlin knew my secret. He was the one who sent me to the druids in the first place, all those months ago. He told me he didn’t think magic was evil, or that I was evil for having it…”

She was getting upset again, and she felt the anger beginning to arise within her. “Camelot was being attacked. Morgause was attacking… and there was a terrible sickness spreading through the citadel. It made everyone fall asleep… I was the only one not affected. I still don’t know why… Maybe Morgause protected me. But Merlin… He poisoned me…. Morgause had to use magic to save me.”

She felt like there was something that she was missing, or that she didn’t want to see. But every time she thought about that day, she became upset all over again. She had not caused the sickness; she didn’t have that kind of power. She only vaguely remembered meeting with Morgause in the woods the night before, but she had awakened the next morning in her own bed with no knowledge of how she got there. But if Morgause had caused the sickness, it was not what Morgana had wanted at the time. She didn’t want her friends to die—only Uther. But now, her feelings were confused and jumbled, and she usually ended up angry with everyone. That was why Morgause had sent her here, in hopes that she could regain her focus.

[Mordred]

Mordred would have smiled upon hearing Merlin had told her she was not evil for possessing magic had Morgana not been in such a state. Of course Emrys of all people would understand that. It was good to hear that he was not so far gone he was rejecting all magic users; Mordred had suspected that he may have been influenced so much by Uther that he had begun to reject magic itself. Again he felt the urge to tell her Merlin's secret, but again he resisted. That was for none but Merlin to reveal. Yet if he had been so friendly towards Morgana before and had comforted her when she had turned out to be a magic user, the people whom above all she was brought up to hate, why would he turn on her? Their relationship may be far from happy, but Mordred could not attribute outright murder to the clumsy young warlock.

The anger Morgana displayed tore at Mordred's heart. She had indeed changed. There was still some of the loving, forgiving and trusting woman he knew, but something new was stirring. Fear and anger were turning her once warm heart cold. So many before her had felt the pressure of hiding their magic while those they loved plotted against their own kind, and that was what had driven most evil sorcerers to harm people in the first place. Fear. Desperation. Prejudice, lies, and the merciless king. He had seen the story play out time and time again, and he was not going to let it happen to the kindest woman he had ever known.

"Merlin's right about magic. It doesn't make you evil. It's not magic, it's the people who use it. People like Uther can drive magic users into desperate situations where they're forced to do bad things. Some people can resist and use magic for good... some can't," he
looked at her carefully, hoping she was resisting any urge to do evil things with her talents.

"Merlin always has been very protective of Arthur. If you were the only one awake, maybe he thought you'd sent everyone to sleep to try and hurt him, but I wouldn't think he'd try to kill you. Unless he's changed a lot, I would have thought he would just try and stop the spell or knock you out, nothing permanent" he frowned. Emrys was a strange person with confusing motives. The man was either very wise and knew something they did not, or was insane.

[morg]

Morgana watched him, frustrated. Mordred kept talking about using magic for good or evil, and it confused her a little. The lines were becoming blurred for her, and she no longer knew what was right and what was wrong. Persecuting people with magic just because they were born with different powers seemed wrong to her. Hunting down innocent druids and executing children was wrong. Destroying everything that was left of the Old Religion, that was wrong. To her, that was the evil. What she was doing with Morgause, that couldn't be wrong. She was trying to defend her people, to restore their rights and allow them to live free as they chose. How could that be bad?

She almost felt as though Mordred was taking Merlin's side in this issue. Why was she defending him? Yes, Merlin had helped save Mordred from Uther's wrath all those years ago, but she was the one who had taken care of him, had stayed with him and helped to heal him from his injuries. Didn't she deserve his loyalty? Didn't she deserve to have someone other than Morgause who was completely on her side? Merlin had tried to murder her, and she could not see any reason why that should be justified. He had been her friend and he had betrayed her. It hurt.... still, deep inside, it hurt.

"I didn't do anything!" she cried out desperately. "I didn't have that kind of power. I could never have done anything like that, and I wouldn't have tried to hurt the people I love. I wanted Uther dead, but no one else... Whatever Morgause did, it was not my fault!"

[Mordred]

Mordred didn't want to make Morgana upset. He could see that he had, and wanted to change that. He realised he wasn't being as sympathetic to his friend as he should, but he also didn't want her to hate Merlin, as much as he himself might hold a dislike to the young warlock. Morgana would not let it go if he encouraged her to hate Merlin. Hate could be a dangerous thing, especially when the person was afraid or angry as Morgana was. He would have to be careful and more gentle so he did not hurt his friend, and so he did not cause her any harm in the long term.

"I know you did nothing to hurt anyone you loved, you would never do that. But Merlin is very suspicious of people. He was wrong to blame you, a friend," he insisted. He admired her bravery for plotting with Morgause, although he had his doubts about how good a person her sister was. Like a lot of druids, he thought times would be better once Uther's reign had ended, and had great hopes for Arthur. Unlike many druids, he lacked patience to simply wait for Uther to die naturally. There was no chance he would try to risk murdering the king himself, but he did wish someone would do it. Morgana actually seemed capable, so long as Merlin didn't get in the way.

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "What are you going to do now? Try again?" he asked her.

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