I Would Have Done The Same

[Arthur Pendragon]

After intense recent events, things seemed to finally be calming down. The outcome had been the most ideal, in that no one was killed or severely wounded. Rodor was still healing from his wounds, but he would live and there would be no permanent damage. Relief could not even begin to describe how Arthur felt. He knew that if anything more were to have happened to Rodor or Mithian -- more than what they had already endured -- then Arthur would never have forgiven himself. Odin was his enemy. Morgana was his enemy. And yet again, they used those that Arthur was close to -- or at least allied with -- to target him. His father's life hadn't been enough for Odin, and nothing would be enough for Morgana. At least one enemy was eliminated from the list, so long as Odin stayed true to the truce.

But he could not take back what Mithian and her father had suffered. No apology was needed from her. In fact, quite the opposite, Arthur felt he owed one to them. After having quickly checked on Rodor -- who was resting at the moment -- Arthur made his way to Mithian's chambers. The first time she was here, Arthur knew he had wronged her, having invited her under the promise of marriage and then sending her when she had done nothing wrong. Still, he felt it had been a somewhat peaceful departure between them. He wanted to make sure that this was the same. Truly the same. He would rather brutal honesty then being exempt of the guilt and blame he knew he deserved. Arriving at her door, he paused for a moment outside of it, before raising his hand to lightly knock, hoping that he wasn't disturbing her.

_{Setting: Castle of Camelot
Time of Day: Afternoon
Timeline: After Another's Sorrow
Tag: Princess Mithian}

[441knightsofcamelot]

Mithian stood, looking out of her window over the city at the fading daylight. Somehow, it felt surreal to be back in the castle, after everything that had happened recently, she hadn't expected to ever be welcome in Camelot again - not after everything she had done. She wondered why Arthur had let her and her father stay here, they didn't deserve it. She felt she deserved imprisonment, deserved punishment, deserved something for what she had done. She had betrayed Arthur, betrayed Camelot, betrayed herself.

The servants had brought her food she had changed, smiled, thanked, all the while feeling like some empty being - hiding inside herself until the time came to face what she had done. And it wasn't just personal, she knew her friendship with Arthur must be broken now and it went so much farther beyond that. Who knew what damage this would do to the relationship between the kingdoms? She was a princess, she was supposed to act with honour and she was a representative of her kingdom - and all she had done was to go behind Arthur's back, to betray him, to put him in danger. He may say that he had forgiven her but she knew he couldn't possibly mean it and anyway, she couldn't forgive herself.

Yes she had acted to protect her father but there must have been something else she could do, rather than hiding like a coward and leading Arthur to what could have been his death.
She didn't know how she would face him, she almost dreaded the time when she knew they would have to talk - what could she possibly say to mend this wrong?
Almost as if acting upon her thoughts she heard a knock at the door. It must be Arthur. She turned from the window, gathered herself and her thoughts and then bade him enter.

Setting: Castle of Camelot
Time of Day: Afternoon
Timeline: After Another's Sorrow
Tag: King Arthur Pendragon

[Arthur Pendragon]

It only took a few moments for Mithian to open the door and reveal who was on the other side. "Princess," he greeted, slightly lowering his head and softly smiling. "I hope I am not disturbing you," he said, not wanting her to feel obligated to be in his company if she wanted some time to herself. He knew how that could feel sometimes. "But if you are willing, I was wondering if I could perhaps speak with you." It would be a conversation unsuitable to be had in the hall. For not only did he wish to inquire about her health, he wanted to apologize. Mithian had always been someone he'd felt able to talk to and be comfortable around. When she had come under the promise of marriage, they had enjoyed a few outings together.

When he had spilled soup on himself, instead of looking at him with disgust, she helped wipe it clean. When he had been rude and uncontrollably burped during the picnic, she had done the same to assure him that it was alright. When he felt awkward about sending her off on a tour while they hunted, she revealed how much she enjoyed it. Had Arthur not been in love with Guinevère, Mithian would have made a wonderful wife and queen. Yet at the same time, he knew that she too deserved to find love. Her parting words to him that visit had always stayed in his mind . . . I would give up my own kingdom to be so loved. He hoped she did. He hoped that princesses, queens, princes and kings would soon realize that marrying someone they loved was far more beneficial than marrying out of duty or political gain. It was not something heard of, yet neither was knighting commoners.

Yes. She was indeed an incredible woman. She had said earlier that she was not fortunate enough to have a king like him, yet Arthur knew that she deserved someone who would protect her. Arthur was the reason her and her father had been through this entire ordeal. And while he would do everything and anything in his power to restore the damage his half sister had done, he could not reverse the emotional damage she had caused on both Mithian and Rodor. That wave of relief washed over him once more, at the knowledge that they were both alive and safe once more. He didn't know what he would do had one of them not survived. All the more reason he wanted -- needed -- Morgana to cease her violent vendetta for power. Because he knew she would not stop targeted the kingdom, or those he cared for until she got what she wanted. Until he was dead.

[441knightsofcamelot]

Most people named it Mithian's forte to act well under pressure and to relieve the pressure of others, however, right in this moment as she came face to face with Arthur, she couldn't think of a word to say.
"Sire," she acknowledged, casting her eyes down, not feeling like she could look him in the eyes - not after what she had done.
"Of course, I wanted to speak with you myself." A lie. Just another one to add to the pile she had told Arthur over at past few days. But this one was more in the name of etiquette rather than in some evil twisted plot carved out by Morgana. It was not the done thing to deny a king something - even if Arthur was not your typical king. Perhaps that was what she liked about him, he didn't care about what people thought, just did what was right. She wished she could do the same in her own kingdom.

And not just in matters of law - in the case of marriage also. Once, she had been ready to marry Arthur in the name of securing the future for her kingdom and even though she had been ready to accept, to do what was expected of her, Arthur had shown her something - that marrying for love was so much more. She knew her father wanted her to marry but somehow, it didn't seem right. What a fickle thing love was, she thought wryly as she stood back to let Arthur enter. Then she summoned her thoughts and readied herself. She had an apology to make.

[Arthur Pendragon]

He continued to softly smile as she seemed to welcome his company, stating that she wished to speak to him herself. He entered her chambers, the door closed behind them so that they could have some privacy. "I firstly wanted to inquire as to how you are recovering after your ordeal," he said, or well, asked. While physically she seemed fine upon first glance, he just wanted to make sure that she truly was unharmed. He knew he couldn't heal her emotional trauma, but he just wanted to ensure that Morgana had not done too much physical harm. Her methods were twisted and cruel . . . she was capable of inflicting harm onto anyone. He knew that she used Mithian's father against her, and hoped that no physical abuse on the woma had been done.

"I just paid a visit to your father, who is resting soundly. I wanted to ensure that you were well too." He hoped she would be honest with him, and not feel the need to mask it. He wanted to offer whatever help he could. They were most honored guests in Camelot, friends -- as he considered her to be, hoping the feeling was mutual but understanding if she lay blame at his feet. He knew he deserved it. He knew he was let off too easy sometimes too. Either way, he was just grateful that Rodor and Mithian agreed to stay here until they were well enough to travel back to Nemeth.

[441knightsofcamelot]

Ordeal? Ordeal? Truth be told it had been difficult for Mithian but something in Arthur's eyes told her he felt guilty. Why should he be feeling guilty? The blame was on her. She should be asking if he was recovered.
"Your concern is welcome sire but not necessary," she thanked him, turning away slightly and trying not to show him her true feelings.
Guilt was always the hardest feeling to dispel, it hung around like a sour taste in your mouth and still beat at your back after so long.
She was glad he mentioned her father, for at least, that broke the moment of guilt for her. Her father's life had been at stake. She had had a reason for her actions.

And yet still the feeling that she could have done something.
The previous days had not been easy - Morgana was a cruel and wicked person and Mithian shivered slightly as she remembered what her feeble attempts to warn Arthur had resulted in ... Merlin had almost died.
And the final thing she couldn't forget was the look in Arthur's eyes when he realised that she had betrayed him. She could never forget that look and how he now managed to talk to her in such a gentle and concerned manner was a mystery to her.
He's just being kind. She reasoned with herself. He's just being how he is because its proper in court. She contented herself with the thought that in a few days she and her father could leave and she could pretend to forget about this situation. Try and leave this guilt behind.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur may not know Mithian incredibly well, but he knew her well enough to know that something was troubling her. Well, obviously something was troubling her -- Arthur wasn't that daft. But it was the tone in her voice, the way she averted his gaze and turned away. He did not want her to leave with any tension between them, and while talking about emotions and feelings was not something he felt frequently able to do, he wanted to ensure that their parting was one of good spirits. Well, as good as could be considering the circumstances. Considering what another Pendragon -- if Morgana could even call herself one -- had done to the princess of Nemeth. Deciding to take the risk, Arthur walked toward her, purposely standing in front of her. Close enough, but not imposingly so. He leaned down a little so that they were somewhat on the same eye level despite their height differences.

His actions were that of a friend wanting to console a friend, for he knew that he owed her that at the very least. Though what he did not know yet was if he was even remotely successful, or would be by the time he left her chambers. "Mithian," he began to say in a soft voice. "You have been through a great deal. I can not even begin to imagine just how much you have endured." As he spoke, he silently hoped that she would not turn from him again so that she would know his words were of the utmost sincerity. "I can not express how much I regret what happened to you and your father. And humbly ask for your forgiveness. I know it is to be earned, but I ask for a chance to earn it." He knew that their truce was in tact, he it was not just about a truce. He did not want it to be like the one with Odin's kingdom, or Alined . . . where it was there just to avoid war. He wanted to be sure that the royal family of Nemeth was at full ease with him. And he would do whatever it took to regain that standing with them.

[441knightsofcamelot]

When Mithian had been young, her mother had told her many things about love. However, she had never managed to quite express it properly, leaving the conversation with a sigh and the words, "you'll understand yourself one day." Mithian had understood, eventually, when she met Arthur, what it felt like to be in love. But Arthur had not been in love with her. Simply, undeniably, that was the truth.

She had enjoyed those brief days with him; the feeling of mutual understanding, the feeling of comfort and ease of which she so very rarely felt with others. And, whilst she wasn't sure if her feelings had completely added up to love and the situation of their meeting was under the context of anything but love - she had felt safe, comfortable and happy with Arthur. Yet, where was that feeling now?

He spoke and she had not realised him to be so close to her. She flinched ever so slightly and then regretted it as she heard his ask for forgiveness. He felt it was his fault - and he eyes suddenly felt wet as she realised that she couldn't bear that. For him to feel the guilt of something that had been of her doing. Or at least, Morgana's doing, she had just done nothing to prevent it.

Raising her eyes, she met his gaze and saw the sincerity within it. Now was the time to admit her feelings. No more lies.

"You shall not have my forgiveness sire because you do not need it," she said, her voice straining ever so slightly.
"It was my fault."

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur did not fail to see how her eyes slightly moistened. Had he not been standing this close to her, perhaps he may not have seen it. But he did. The sight of any woman crying was unbearable. Especially now, knowing that his actions -- inadvertently or not -- had caused her to feel this way. Her words just made him feel worse. Hearing her claim the guilt . . . no. He could not accept that. He could not allow her to feel that way. That she was responsible for this. When he had fallen into the trap, he'd demanded how he had wronged her. Yet it had all made sense the moment Morgana revealed herself as part of the entire ploy. She and Odin were the ones to blame. They had just used Mithian and Rodor in the cruelest most vicious way possible. They had preyed on the love between a father and daughter, for it was something that neither of them understood. Morgana, because of what she had done to Uther. And Odin, because he was far too consumed with grief and vengenace to see the consequences of his malicious actions. "When you love someone, there is no limit to what you will do to protect them." Arthur knew that. Of course he did. He knew first hand just far he would go to protect those that he cared for.

"Such a trait is not one to be regretted, but admired." For it showed the genuine loving bond that two people shared. Whether it was husband and wife, father and daughter, sister and brother, friend and friend . . . whatever the relationship. "You did what you had to do to save your father. I meant what I said Mithian, I would have done the same." Had he been able to properly protect his own father. Just another death that Arthur was responsible for. "Morgana and Odin are my enemies. They used you to get to me." It was personal. Odin wanted him dead for revenge, as did Morgana. While they would get the kingdom, he knew that it was far too personal for their hatred of him to be based solely on political gain. "Whatever happened to you and Rodor, is because of their anger toward me. You are exempt from any blame in this, princess. You did what anyone would have done; you protected your father." He wanted her to know that, to understand that. She was blackmailed and he could not . . . would not let her take the blame for any of this.

[441knightsofcamelot]

"I ... " Mithian's voice stuck in her throat and it took her a moment to clear it. "I should have done something sire. I should have done something more to warn you."

She wanted to run right now, to escape this growing feeling in her chest only amplified by the sorrowful look in Arthur's eyes and his words of comfort, telling her it was not her fault.

But it was.

She thought for a moment on what Arthur had said. That Morgana and Odin were his enemies and they had used her to get to Arthur. Used her love against her.

Oh how twisted the world was.

Eventually she spoke again, mastering her emotions and blinking the tears away - reminding herself how a proper princess would act.
"Thank you," were her first words, a sidestep away from what she had done. A move which let Arthur think she had accepted his forgiveness which in reality she never could. Then she let her guard drop slightly and showed him her sympathy.
"You do not deserve their hatred Arthur. You are a good and kind man and a just king."
Pausing for a moment longer she then rallied herself, knowing she had to say it.
"You are a better person than me. I saw how you fought; never for youself - always for others. I do not deserve your sympathy, let alone your friendship."

There, she had done it. Maybe she could now depart Camelot in peace - her and Arthur understanding one another, because she did not deserve his friendship anymore. Even in what could have been his last moments she had stood back, afraid. What sort of friendship could be formed when one was too afraid to protect the other?
No, this way was better, departing Camelot on none but official terms and putting to bed this guilt and all other feelings she may feel or once have felt for Arthur.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Hearing Mithian continue to take the blame, made him all the more determined to alleviate such guilt from her. Though, he also knew what it felt like. For she blamed herself, as he blamed himself. And neither were in agreement that the other carry the guilt. He wondered if the feeling would ever subside, or if it was something that they would both just have to live with. Her hoped she didn't. He wanted to try to assuage at least some of it. "You couldn't," he said in a confident tone, for there was no doubt in his mind. She couldn't warn him. He didn't blame her for that. "It was too risky." For her father's life was at stake. "We are all safe and that is what matters. But, had something more severe happened . . . never would I wish for you to have risked your father's llife to warn me. I would rather fall at the hands of my enemies, than allow any harm to come to you or your father." He had made it out alive, but had he not . . . then he would not blame anyone but those who took his life and himself, for letting the hatred get to the level it had between them.

He gave a slight smile when she spoke of how he did not deserve their hatred, that he was a good and kind man . . . a just king. "Your words honor me more than I can say," he told her sincerely, even if he couldn't fully age. Perhaps he did deserve some of it. He could go back in time to that moment where he killed Odin's son, he would have let the young man live. If he could reverse time and somehow help Morgana, he would. But both had been consumed by so much hate that he knew there was no way to earn their forgiveness. A truce had been struck with Odin, but Morgana was still a very dangerous threat to the kingdom. To all those he loved. It was her next words that he had to vocally disagree with. "No," he said shaking his head. He raised his hand, gently placing it on Mithian's arm in a comforting gesture. "Never believe that I am better than you." He could not even imagine such a thought.

"For you too fought for another, not for yourself. You fought for your father's life, Mithian. You did this for your father." If he had the chance, he would have fought for his own father. He wouldn't have let magic claim his life, but rather pray for a miracle. Instead, he had been naive and it cost Uther his life. "If that does not display courage, then I do not know what does." She had been trapped, and that was exactly what Morgana had wanted. To leave Mithiain with no other choice. "Never feel undeserving. For it is I who am fortunate to call you friend." After before . . . now this . . . it was truly Arthur who was so undeserving of her friendship and kindness. "You did the right thing. For had to not complied, it would have cost you your father's life. And trust me when I say carrying that kind of guilt, it far more unbearable." He knew first hand what that was like, and did not wish it upon anyone. Least of all her.

[441knightsofcamelot]

Mithian felt his touch and at first found it odd and a little strange but then found it similar to the touches and embraces her father bestowed upon her - comforting. She allowed herself to relax. The situation was difficult, both of them feeling the guilt. Her mouth curled into what could be called a smile - and tentative at that.

"I feel you and I will find it difficult to agree on this matter sire." She hoped Arthur might see at least some humour in this situation, even though in reality it was far from humorous, it was dreadfully serious. But somehow, here in this small room with just her and Arthur, matters of state and the future of their kingdom's relationships seemed so far away. This was just her and Arthur, trying to settle this internal battle and the weighing up of whom should bear the guilt.

She heard him speak of the fact he felt undeserving of her friendship and in a rush spoke out.
“Never Arthur. Never. It was our friendship that Morgana and Odin used against us, for had we not been friends how could they have ever relied on you to give me sanctuary? To let me heal? To help me find my father? You have displayed your friendship, your honour and your courage more than I could ever have expected of you. You have my friendship Arthur, and are more than deserving of it.”

Then he spoke of the guilt of his father's death and a warm rush of affection for him flowed through her. She reached out and placed hr other hand on his shoulder.
“Arthur …” was all she could manage. For it had not been Arthur's fault Uther had died, how could it have been? It had been Odin's swordsman who delivered the blow, and a strange sorcerer who had cast the final curse. Arthur was not at fault for the sheer reason he had enemies – enemies he had done nothing to provoke!