I Can't Live With or Without You

[Arthur Pendragon]

She promised him and while the trust between them was so tarnished and damaged . . . he believed that she would do so for the sake of the baby. More than because of the fact that he was asking her to. He knew she had wanted children, and while the circumstances were far from ideal . . . a child would be brought into this world, whether their relationship was solid or not. In all that she lost, he hoped a child would give her that comfort. Because he couldn't. And he wasn't sure he would be able to, ever again. "I'd like that. I know you are busy, I can ask Rosa to walk with me." He knew that a walk from him may only cause her further stress, so while he did not wish to push himself on her . . . he also wanted to make sure that it was actually done. That he could see her getting some fresh air for it would be hours before he saw her again.

As they had been avoiding each other these past few days . . . to the point that he had not done something sooner to help her before her sickness had gotten to this extent. "If you prefer," he said, leaving the option for her to decline his offer. Though he would try again. "I only have a meeting in the morning, and then will have Leon take care of training the men. So I will have free time." If she so wished. The subject of the baby was something spoken of with a bit more ease . . . and he hoped that it would allow them to be capable of holding a conversation without tears or apology. And . . . without letting his emotions cloud his better judgment. Like what had happened the last time they were alone.

[Guinevère]

"If you prefer," No, if he preferred, for she knew how hard this was for him. Arthur had told her that he could not look upon her every day, and this baby was going to make him. She had been the one to ruin their happiness with her weak moment and now he suffered for it. "I only have a meeting in the morning, and then will have Leon take care of training the men. So I will have free time."

He didn't sound too busy. She wanted to say yes! She wanted to beg him to spend the whole day with her but she did not want to fight with him. "If you prefer," She whispered but loud enough that she knew she would ear her just fine, "I know this hard for you, and I want to make it easier for you. Either way I will go to the market in the morning. If you wish to join me, then I will be waiting for you." She hoped he came, "But do not feel you must. I will understand if you cannot." Because she had broken his heart.

[Arthur Pendragon]

He knew that under the circumstances, it was completely normal for her to express so much doubt in his willingness to go. For them to be so casual, seemed to be an impossibility. But he had to try. If he caused her any more distress than he already had, it would endanger not only the baby's life . . . bu her's as well. And he was not willing to risk either. "The next few months will not be easy," he admitted, knowing there was no point in lying or pretending otherwise. It would not be easy . . . because they did not have a real marriage. Because he had only done this to spare her the humiliation and protect her reputation as well as that of the child's. Plus, he wanted to be able to claim the baby as his son or daughter.

"But I will do all that I can to make sure you are comfortable, and at ease." Because stressing her out would not be helpful. "What happened a few days ago . . . " In the nursery. "Should not have happened." He should not have played with her emotions as such. Because while he could not be with another, he could not be with her either. Not after what had happened between them. "And I apologize, for any harm it may have caused you." Physically and emotionally. "I want to do what is best for the child. I will join you tomorrow, so that we can focus on the future of this baby." Because that would be the easiest thing for them to talk about . . . the only thing really.

[Guinevère]

"What happened a few days ago . . . Should not have happened." Her heart broke a little there, for she had known he regretted it, but hearing broke her a little more. It was his next words that caused her to speak quickly, "And I apologize, for any harm it may have caused you." "You did not hurt me," She told him, not physically and her emotional hurt had been far greater then his. "I . . . . " Enjoyed being in his arms once more. Yet these words were not her's to say.

"I want to do what is best for the child." Best for the child. Focus on the baby. These words were like pin pricks on her heart, each one felt a little sharper. How much she had done to them! With one night of weakness! "Then I shall be ready tomorrow morning." She told him, "And perhaps we will find some cloth, so that I might begin sewing some clothes for them?" Something to keep her busy. Her mind from how much she missed him, even though he was only a few feet away.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"You did not hurt me." He wasn't too sure about that. He knew that he had not been as delicate as he should be, overall and especially considering her condition. And he knew his actions had hurt her emotionally, for he could not give her more. Even in the moments after when she asked him to take her to bed. Which he had so desperately wanted to do . . . but knew that it would have only made things worse. If that was even possible at this point. He did not argue though, knowing that she would never admit to being hurt by his actions. She spoke of being ready tomorrow morning, and knew it was safer to focus on the child. For that was what had caused him to marry her after what had happened.

While he was not lacking love for her in any way, he was lacking trust. She spoke of wishing to sew something for the child and he gave a small nod. "Then I will let you get some rest," he told her as he rose to his feet. Wishing so badly that their marriage was different. That it was happier. That it was one that they had talked about and planned. One where they would be sharing chambers and spending every night together in each other's arms. But this . . . was so different. Completely different than what he had envisioned, and missed the life that he had wanted with her.

[Guinevère]

Arthur arose to his feet, and spoke of leaving. "Then I will let you get some rest," Guinevère wished their marriage was different, and that she had not been so weak and foolish as to ruin what they had. She had love and she traded it in for a moment's passion that left a bitter taste in her mouth rather then her heart swelled with love. If she had been different, stronger and a better person she would be happy now.

He would be happy now. Her child would even be healthier now. She was beginning to hate herself, and it wasn't something she was use to. It was why she had trouble getting up in the mornings, and leaving her chambers. She was lacking the enjoyment from such simple actions. But she knew now, that she would only ever have her child, for Arthur said he would end this marriage once the child was born. She had to be strong for her child, and made this as easy for Arthur as she could. "Thank you," She whispered softly, but she knew it was for everything but him allowing her to rest.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur could sense that her gratitude was far deeper than one expressed for simply allowing her to get some rest. He wanted to tell her that she had nothing to thank him for . . . yet remained silent. Once again, he didn't want to argue with her, or make her feel like she had to explain herself and justify her words of gratefulness. No. He just wanted her to get rest and become healthy again. He didn't know if his company was helping or hindering that, but would do whatever it took to ensure she had a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery. Not only for the child's sake, but for hers as well. Because he loved her. Realizing that he was just staring at her, lost in thought, he finally forced himself to snap out of it, and returned to the present. Rather than the depth of his mind.

"Take care Guinevère. And I will see you tomorrow." He wanted to check on her tonight . . . but didn't trust himself to be with her in the late hour. Being intimate was not only by making love, but even by holding her as she slept, or just laying next to her . . . he couldn't do that. He couldn't keep encouraging what he wanted them to be, because it was not what they were. They were not a happily married couple, madly in love. They were married . . . to protect their child. How stranger it was, for him to love her so much, yet it was not what had caused them to marry. Not wishing to dwell in such thoughts in front of her, he gave another small nod of farewell and forced himself to leave her chambers, having to fight the urge not to go back in, so returned to his own room . . . a room that should have become theirs.

[Guinevère]

It was the next morning when Guinevère looked in the mirror and smiled to herself. She was going to try to appear happy today, as she did not wish to cause him embarrassment in the market and . . . and she wanted more then anything to have some peace between them. Making sure to eat a better meal before hand she dressed in a red gown and then waited in a chair by the fire for Arthur to come and meet her here for the trip to the market.

Her hands settled on her belly, as she thought about how things were between her and Arthur, and how very much she wanted them to be better. She wanted his love back--his complete love--and she was going to show him how much she loved him. Starting by trying to have a good morning in the market.

Yet she feared that the moment she saw him, things would again be as they were.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur had a restless night. Not that any of the past few nights had been restful. He was so incredibly relieved when the sun rose so that he would not be left on his own, letting his mind wander and circle around everything that was happening. So many times he thought of going to her chambers and just crawling into bed next to her. Next to his wife. Despite his worry for her, and continuous desperate desire to check on her, he knew he could not do that. He had already proved to be utterly cruel when he had made love to her, and then rejected her -- something that he had not nor will ever forgive himself for. He didn't know what the future held in store for them . . . but they were having a baby. They needed to focus on that. Only that.

He readied for the day, and had a few meetings before the time for their venture to the market came. He found himself feeling nervous. It was not the giddy butterflies he always had before in the seconds prior to seeing her. That nervousness, that feeling of being flustered and lost in her beauty every time he looked at her. No. He was nervous because he didn't know how to act around her. He didn't know what to say, what not to say. He didn't know whether to smile, or if he even could smile. Taking a deep breath and mentally preparing himself, he knocked on the door to her chambers. In a less cruel world, it would have been their shared chambers.

[Guinevère]

When the knock came, Guinevère stood where she was for a moment and tried to calm her rising nerves. After a long moment of breathing slow, she walked to the door and opened it, smiling up at his taller form. He always looked so dashing handsome, and she never quite got over how he always looked so well put together--almost effortlessly. Or at least effortlessly on his part. She knew all too well how servants worked and took pride in how the ones they worked for looked.

Thinking of Merlin's words from in the first few months about being very proud of how clean Arthur's socks were, Guinevère bit her lip to keep from smiling too brightly from this awkward moment. The reminder of why this was awkward, had her smile fading some. "Good morning," She said softly. "I hope I did not keep you waiting long." It was more something to say, then knowing she had kept him waiting. Though she had been nervous.