In the Shadows (Yassia)

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin hadn’t gone to bed yet, though she should probably move from the little solar just off hers and Griff’s room and try and get some sleep sometime soon. It wasn’t that late in the evening, but Griff had already retired, which had surprised her, but she supposed it was warmer in the bed than out here, even though she was sat next to the fire with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Maybe he’d been expecting her to join him, but she didn’t feel like she was in the mood for anything like that, so she’d sent him to bed disappointed, though she was sure she’d make it up to him eventually. She always did.

Running a hand over her face she sighed into her palm. She had a goblet of wine by her side, her Uncle had always told her that it would help her to keep her nerves. She needed that now, more than ever. It felt like everything was coming to the forefront of her mind all at once. Seeing her brother, and the conversation she had had with Oliver the other night hadn’t helped matters. She’d tried to put the matters of her starting a family behind her, and focus on her new life here and now with Griff. However, her past seemed intent on catching up with her, and she wasn’t sure how much she could escape it anymore. The raw pain which came with losing a child, one she hadn’t known she was carrying until it was too late, was something which wouldn’t leave her. Griff felt the pain too, naturally, so she felt like she couldn’t speak to him about it as much as she’d like. She didn’t want to upset him again.

It just hurt, thinking that she could already have a child in her arms, perhaps one that looked like her, or Griff. It would be a totally new life, one for them both to mould together. The child would have been so loved by both of them, but none of that was to be realised. Their child had been lost in one of Camelot’s darkest hours. Not many knew about it, Morgana knew of course, she’d been the one who had caused it after all, and Griff and Rouland knew, that was it. She didn’t want everyone to know, because she didn’t want their sympathy. Taking a sip of wine, she felt a tear roll down her flushed cheek. She wiped it away like it was nothing, she refused to get upset about this again, she’d cried enough, but she knew that really she hadn’t touched the tip of the ice-burg. She ran her fingers over her belly, and sighed softly. She did still want a family, and she still wanted to marry Griff. That much she was certain of. It was just hard getting past this point in her life though. The guilt which she felt just tore through her, and left her feeling guilty mainly. She should have been more careful, and thought about what she was doing instead of rushing into everything like she usually did. A knock on the door made her jump, and she was just about able to stop her wine spilling. “Come in.” She called out. She doubted it would be anyone important at this hour. Instead she just rubbed her already red, and puffy eyes and took another swig of wine from her goblet. This was going to be a long night.

Tags: Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha
Timeline: During the s3-4 gap
Location: The solar outside Caitrin and Griff's guest chambers in the castle of Mercia[/size]

[Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha]

There was a restless air around Yassia this night, and she just couldn’t seem to lie down and go to sleep. The dy had given her so much to think of again, and slowly she began to ask herself if her head could even take any more. And her heart. Instead of forcing herself away from Oliver she felt drawn closer to him with every day or even every hour that passed. And that was wrong. It was not only wrong, it was self-destructive, like she was being pulled deeper and deeper into a maelstrom and partly even was so gladly. She could be torn apart limb by limb, and yet she continously put herself in situations where she was alone with him. Or fate did, and she simply had not the strength to stay away from the temptation.There was no thinking of sleep just yet, and Yassia had sent away the maid twice who had been told to wait upon her and help her with undressing and preparing for bed. She felt like she wouldn’t be able to sleep for a long while, so what was the point in even trying?

It was not so much the need of advice or guidance that made her think of going to see if Caitrin was still awake. No, this time she didn’t want to burden her friend with her troubles, she had done so often enough already, she simply wanted to offer her a chance of her company. It was almost an insult to their friendship how little they seemed to see each other even though they were lodging under the same roof. Yassia didn’t have much experience with close friendship whatsoever, but she knew that is was a tender flower who needed to be nurtured with greatest care. Too much attention could let it die as readily as too little, but right now they were seriously neglecting each other’s company, and not even willingly. Their days just had been filled with so many different activities that especially Yassia had hardly found time to breathe. Today’s riding session had been a start, and it had turned into such an amusing and exciting event, when they had sneaked up on Oliver and Jeffrey’s hunting party that Yassia was sure she would remember this for a lifetime.

Slinging a warm dark green dressing gown around her shoulders against the chilly air out in the corridor, Yassia sneaked the short distance over the corridor and around the corner towards Caitrin’s guest chambers. There was a little light floating from under the door, but that could also come from the dying flames in the hearth. She would knock softly, Yassia decided, a knock that would only alert those still awake and not rouse the sleeping. She didn’t want Caitrin to feel obliged to talk to her after all, when she had gone to bed already. Or maybe her and Griff were – otherwise occupied. Yassia felt heat rising up her cheeks at this thought, but she could not help it. It was perfectly natural after all, these two were soon to be married.
Only a heartbeat after the knock, she was greeted with Caitrin’s voice from inside, and Yassia could feel a smile tugging at her lips.

“Am I disturbing you?” she whispered as she slipped through the door. “I just wanted to see how you were!”
Was it the light or did Caitrin’s features seem… troubled somehow? Yassia’s eyebrows drew closer together at the sheer thought and she took a few steps towards her friend, though not yet saying anything. She would never press Caitrin to confide in her.

[Caitrin de Archer]

It wasn’t like Caitrin to be so wrapped up her own thoughts. She usually just let the past where it was, and looked to bigger things. This however was something that she couldn’t just go away, she couldn’t run from this thing which was obviously affecting her so badly. She ran a hand through her hair, something she usually did when she was nervous. Caitrin wasn’t sure why she was thinking about it so much today of all days, it hurt just as much as it did usually, but this felt different for some reason. It wasn’t that long ago, but it felt like only yesterday that she’d been faced with the trauma of losing her child; their child. A child she didn’t know she was carrying until it had been too late. Since losing the child, she’d found herself more and more wanting to be settled. She’d discovered what having a carefree life had left her, as she’d only been in the dungeons because she’d been too stubborn to accept Morgana straight away. She had submitted to the woman eventually, a decision she still bitterly regretted. What other way was there for her though? She couldn’t have taken it any longer in the dungeons, she knew she would have broken anyway.

Caitrin pressed her eyes together. She hadn’t conceived again yet, and it scared her in a way. She and Griff were no less heated than they had been before they had their argument. However, there was no fruit to their seed yet, and it bothered her, more than she cared to admit. She knew she was getting bothered about something which was probably no issue at all. She had potions which could make her more fertile that she had not yet used, and she and Griff had been together over a year before she had conceived the first time, so there was probably no issue. In a way she did want to hold out for a child until they were married, perhaps then she would start using her potions.

The knock on her door was a welcomed distraction from the state she was working herself up into. She brushed her tears away with her hand, and causally looked round, though she jumped to her feet when she saw it was Yassia, and not just some servant, who had come calling upon her. She wiped her eyes again, and managed a small smile at her friend before gesturing for her to join her by the fire; there was a spare seat where Griff had been sitting before he had retired. “Not at all, come and join me, I could use a little company.” She hadn’t seen much of Yassia, and she felt guilty for it. After all, Yassia was as much a stranger to Mercia as she had been when she had first come to Camelot. However, she knew Yassia was in good hands with Oliver, no matter where that took her. She took another sip of her wine, feeling incredibly like her Uncle. “I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you.” She offered feebly, well aware how obvious it looked that she had been crying. She didn’t answer Yassia’s latter question, and deflected it instead, “Are you still enjoying your time in Mercia? The weather hasn’t been at it’s worst, which is a godsend I suppose.” She was rambling, but she needed anything to get off the topic of why she had been crying, and why she still felt like she needed to weep.

[Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha]

While she was turning towards her friend, Yassia just caught the treacherous and telling movement of Caitrin towards her eyes and her brows knit together even more in concern. Had Caitrin been crying?! What on earth was going on here?! Inwardly, Yassia’s thoughts started to race, while she still kept smiling outwardly, as she approached her friend. What could have possibly happened that upset Caitrin so much? Was it a thing of past or present? If it was present, did it have something to do with Griff? Where was he? Had they had an argument?! But no, after nearly losing him once, Yassia doubted Caitrin would just sit here and do nothing had he ran off again. She would bind him to the next pillar and talk it out if that was what it did take. So if it wasn’t about Griff, what could it be then? Had she maybe spoken with her family, and the reception had even been worse than expected? Ire rised up inside Yassia at the thought of anyone hurting Caitrin like that. How dare they all! But then, she could not just readily assume, she had to find out what happened first, hear it from Caitrin herself.

And this proved to be the tricky part. She resumed control over her countenance almost at the speed of lightning and she deflected the actual, concerned question Yassia had asked already. Now, what was the best tactic? Insist on not changing the subject and giving Caitrin the time to harden her defenses even more, until her usual stubbornness made the wall to her soul impregnable, or… should she answer the questions first, and then hope to catch Caitrin unawares. It might work, but it might also fail… Yassia usually wasn’t one for such treachery, but she felt that there was something big afoot, and she longed to be let in to Caitrin’s heart like that. Yassia had shared so many sorrows with her friend, it felt like she owed Caitirn so much. If there was any chance to ever repay her that kindness, it would probably be now. Though this wasn’t about paying dues at all, it was about wanting to show Caitrin that she didn’t always have to fight these battles on her own. She needed to at least know that, if nothing else.

“Don’t you dare apologize”, she monished Caitrin softly and chuckled. “I’ve been so caught up in various activities I hardly find time to breathe. I haven’t been this popular since leaving Ailanth behind, and I am not yet sure what to make of it all. If Edmund doesn’t demand my attention it is his mother or Oliver. And before we’re both stooping so low in our friendship that we discuss the weather so that anything is said at all, you could as well tell me why you are in need of company.” She tried to make it sound casual, practically sneak it up on Caitrin from behind. But now the breach was hopefully blown, she prompted on right away.
”A blind man can see that you are troubled, dear. Did something happen? You know you can always tell me, however insignificant it might seem to you.” There was something far from insignificant afoot, Yassia thought. A strong woman like Caitrin didn’t cry over inanities. There must be a deep trouble in her soul to give her a sleepless night and tears, so much was for sure, and Yassia was determined in finding it out. Maybe she could help, but maybe she couldn’t. That would have to be seen.

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin was trying to put a brave face on for her friend, but she suspected it wasn’t working. Celyn had been the same, he had known there wasn’t something quite right with her. However, his treatment had been a little different. Yassia knew her better than to think that everything was fine. She ran her hand through her hair again, looking down at the fire, and pulling the blankets further round her slender shoulders. She was trying, and failing, to look normal. There were some things which couldn’t just be fixed in the short term though, and Caitrin was quickly realising that. She couldn’t just ignore what had happened, or run from the fact she had lost a child. In a way, it had forced her to grow up very quickly. She was quickly realising that she couldn’t just blunder through life and ignore the consequences, as she had been doing. There had been a consequence to her defiance towards Morgana, a fatal one, and one she felt that she could never forgive herself for. She knew it hurt Griff as well, she could tell that it hurt her as much as it hurt her. They had both lost something, because of their own stupidity.

She reached for her goblet of wine again, once more feeling like her Uncle. She knew this phase would pass, and the ache would lessen as it had done before, but she could still feel the shock and hurt that had followed the trauma. It had brought her and Griff together, they had been united in their grief in a sense, because seeing him again had made it seem more real, and made what they had lost even more hard to comprehend. They were still in love though, so that was something, and they were going to be wed. That was what this was all about after all wasn’t it? Oliver was throwing them a pre-marriage feast. Then their lives together could really begin, even though they were living and fashioning themselves as a married couple at the moment. There were no secrets between them, well, there was one. It felt strange Yassia knew she had magic, yet Griff didn’t. She would tell him eventually, but she didn’t want him to worry about her while they were living in Camelot. She was just scared he would make them move, or suggest that they go somewhere magic wasn’t persecuted. Raising her hand, she whispered to the dying fire, and as she knew it would, the flames rose up again, and Caitrin gave a small smile to her friend. “It comes in handy, when I can use it.” Of course Camelot didn’t allow sorceresses, so it was only here, in the strictest confidence in a different kingdom that she could be so free and open about everything.

As predicted, Yassia saw straight through her little subject change, and Caitrin bit her lip, trying not to spill her thoughts out all at once. Jesu, she didn’t want Yassia to think she was a quivering mess. She wasn’t that far gone yet. She didn’t want to answer her friend, though she knew very quickly that Yassia would know she was lying if she just said she was fine. “I’m-.” She stopped herself, and felt the words choke in the back of her throat. She couldn’t lie to her friend and just say she was fine, not to Yassia. “Don’t worry about me.”She finally managed, feeling her tears coming back. Jesu, she was just a mess, “I’ve been better, but-“ Her voice was becoming high pitched and she put a hand to her mouth, “Oh Yass, I don’t know what to do.”

[Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha]

Yassia waited with pent up breath for Caitrin’s reaction. So much depended on this simple moment, even if it might not seem so at first. She might even be loading it with too much meaning, but somehow Yassia had the feeling that this could very well be the touchstone of their friendship. A friendship was all about trust in the end, and if Caitrin didn’t trust her, then where did they stand at all? Then again, she knew Caitrin did trust her with her life – she had shown her one of her dearest secrets after all. Given, it had been more accidental than anything, but Caitrin hadn’t tried to cover up her tracks by all means, she had been honest once found out on having magic. Caitrin might have had an inkling that Yassia’s view on magic wasn’t as firmly set than those in Camelot were, but she had still been running a high risk, which she apparently had been willing to take, for their friendships sake.So, if Caitrin knew she could trust Yassia, why wasn’t she acting on it? Or was this not a matter of trust after all? This just brought her back to the initial question: What on earth was wrong with her friend?

Her eyes lit up the tiniest bit, when she watched Caitrin performing magic on the fire. There it was, the prove she had needed that Caitrin’s trust in her had not been a fleeting affair, she felt at least so much at ease now that she openly used it now in front of Yassia. And the princess just could not help being intrigued. She had never understood the Camelotian’s hate for it, as she had been raised with a respectful attitude towards it. Her mother had often told Yassia of the things she had seen done by magic back when she had still been there as a young lady. She had described the rituals performed by the High Priestess or the druids in such vivid detail Yassia had often dreamt of it as a child. Albion and especially Camelot had seemed like places out of a fairytale to her back then, formed and forged by magic, and she had been shocked to learn that magic was now banned from it on pain of death. In Ailantha, magic was a very rare gift, some people might have lived a lifetime and never seen anyone using it.
”And I’m still fascinated by it”, Yassia confessed, flashing Caitrin a reassuring smile. “It’s such a beautiful thing in my eyes, being able to control the elements to your benefit and to that of others.” Hopefully Caitrin would appreciate this praise. It might sound like the talking of an excited child to her friend, but concerning magic, Yassia had had little time and opportunity to compare it to that what she now knew had been childhood fantasies.

It was hard seeing Caitrin like this, and Yassia could feel a lump rising up in her own throat as she watched her friend nearly coming apart before her very eyes. This was so wrong! This shouldn’t be happening! To Yassia, Caitrin had always been like a tower, strong and free, and this was the second time she saw her down, even though she had so fervently wished to never see it again.
When it was evident Caitrin was just about to start crying again, there was nothing that could have kept Yassia away from her friend. Impulsively, she rushed forward and gentle took her in her arms, crouching low beside the chair. “What is it, estimada?” she whispered, slipping into her mother tongue out of habit. “Why do you not know what to do?”

[Caitrin de Archer]

The fact that she could use her sorcery with such ease made her slightly settled. After all, she couldn’t be this free and easy in Camelot, and she had never been at this much ease in Mercia before now. However, she trusted Yassia with her most guarded secret, even though she had found out by accident. Caitrin put her hand back on her lap, and gave Yassia a small smile of accomplishment. When she had been growing up, she hadn’t thought being a sorceress was anything important, Helgund had always taught her to be guarded and secretive about her gifts, so there hadn’t been room to be egotistical about her gifts. Being in Camelot had made her more guarded, and scared of being discovered, but she had lasted this long, and she could continue to survive. Yassia’s compliment did bring a small smile to her lips. She appreciated her friends words, mainly as it had been a long time since anyone had seen her sorcery as a good thing, including Caitrin. “I’m still getting used to you knowing about it.” She admitted softly, and whisked the flames up with her whispers once more, now she was just showing off.

Caitrin had always thought that sorcery was beautiful, though some were out to use it for evil gains. But wasn’t that the same with everything? There were those who didn’t have sorcery who were capable of the most horrible things, yet they were not persecuted in the same way that those with sorcery were. Just because you possessed these gifts didn’t make you evil. “I shouldn’t slip into habits though, this will be a short lived salvation.” It was true, once Caitrin went back to Camelot, which would be days rather than weeks, she would have to go back to her old self, without the use of her sorcery once again. She felt quite irritated by the thought, but it was worth it just to live in the place she now called home. She was still looking forwards to the home she and Griff would make there.

The compliments about her sorcery though could not detract from the emotion she was currently feeling. She could still feel her tears burning in the back of her throat. She knew this would pass, and if Yassia had come this time tomorrow then Caitrin probably would have been in her proper state of mind. Right here and now though, Caitrin was suffering a moment of weakness, and it wasn’t something she liked. She needed to grieve, and get over this loss, or at least start to get over it. Her hand was still at her mouth, and her eyes pressed together, letting a small tear run down her frail cheek. Yassia’s arms around her meant that Caitrin lost her control altogether, and she could feel her tears rolling down her cheeks uncontrollably. She didn’t want Yassia to see her like this, and she certainly didn’t want to wake Griff up. “I don’t know, I’m not sure how long I can cope with this.” Her voice was high pitched again, and her tears were still falling, and starting to soak the top of her dress, “I just can’t take this any longer.” Caitrin rubbed her cheek with her sleeve and coughed slightly, spluttering with her grief. “I-“ She was shaking, more than she ever had done before, “I lost a child, mine and Griff’s child.” She dissolved into tears again, her words broken up by her sobs.

[Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha]

There were so many things Yassia didn’t understand about magic, and she realized that now might be one of the few moments she could actually quench her curiosity, as she knew no one else within all the people she knew who possessed magic. Well, apart from Morgana of course, but the little time they had spent together hadn’t exactly be filled with casual talk about the perks and downsides of magic. Oh dear, no, they had had so many other things to discuss – like who was the superior in their conversation, and stars, that had taken some time and fight! Had Morgana’s reign lasted any longer, Yassia might have regretted her boldness and her refusal to yield even more than she had already had. But this was neither the time nor the place to let Morgana back into her thoughts, she didn’t deserve such attention. Morgan had ruined too much already, she didn’t need to ruin this evening as well with even the faintest hint of her presence.


“Well, for the sake of us both, maybe I should just forget about it, but then I love watching you doing it. I wonder… can you only enhance what is already there, or can you even evoke elements out of thin air? Like…” she puckered up her nose in thinking. “Could you make it rain inside this room? Oh sweet stars, now I’m giving you ideas”, she stopped herself with a sheephish laugh and a similar expression. Had Caitrin been in a better mood altogether, they might have gone crazy on such things about now, but somehow Yassia felt that this was not the case on this evening. The talk about magic might have brought them away from the initial subject a little maybe, but in the end it was too strong to be covered up for long. There was something seriously wrong with Caitrin, and in all honesty, Yassia didn’t have the heart for too much joking either, if she felt that Caitrin’s heart was not in it.

But what on earth WAS wrong?! They weren’t much closer in discovering that yet and trying to talk it out, but Yassia knew that Caitrin might need her time. Maybe it was something she couldn’t even define herself? Yassia had had such moments when she had felt incredibly sad, but couldn’t have named the reason for it at first. Her mother had called such phases ‘world-weariness’, but in looking back now, Yassia often thought if her mother had simply tried to cover up her homesickness she must have sometimes felt.
All Yassia could do right now was holding Caitrin tight and showing her in just so many words that she was there for here, that it would be alright somehow. But whatever had been on Yassia’s mind, she surely hadn’t foreseen what really was to come.
“I lost a child, mine and Griff’s child.”
For a moment, Yassia’s mind went completely blank, and for the next, crazy moment, she thought: “What?! Here?! Now?!” Until it occurred to her that this could simply not be the case. No one could cover up a recent miscarriage so well. But then, when had it happened? Sweet stars, how long had Caitrin been carrying that around with her, without saying a single word?! No wonder she seemed so distraught!

“Sweet stars…” she whispered, “when?!” Then she couldn’t hold herself back any longer and pulled Caitrin again into an even tigher hug. “My poor dear! I’m so sorry! That must have been horrible!” Perhaps only those who had suffered it for themselves could understand the fathomless agony of a mother losing her child, even more so when it hadn’t even had the chance to be born. Miscarriages were even more dangerous than the actual births, and for a moment Yassia felt extremely glad beneath all the sorrow and commiseration that her friend was still with her.

[Caitrin de Archer]

It was nice really to be able to use sorcery in front of Yassia without fear of death, or being judged for what she was. Of course the former was more important than the latter in senses, but one led to the other. She wasn’t evil, and she would never use her sorcery to harm others. It just wasn’t in her nature. Her sorcery had always been a way of her showing her intellect. Her nurse, Helgund, had always encouraged her to practise, and show that she could practice magic. Though she had always exercised caution, even as a child. No one in her family knew she was a sorceress. If they did then she certainly wouldn’t have been sent to Camelot. Her father hated her, but she doubted he hated her quite that much. Though her heart was heavy at the moment, Yassia’s curiosity and questions made Caitrin smile, and for once she was glad she was a sorceress, and able to show off these gifts with ease. “I’m not going to make it rain.” She replied with a wink, she would have a hard time explaining that one to Griff wouldn’t she? Instead, Caitrin doused the fire in front of her with ease, letting Yassia see what she had done before she whispered to the dead flames to rise up once more to warm the pair as they set by the fire. She winked at Yassia, “Easy when you know how.” Knowing sorcery was something which was becoming more and more unacceptable, and it hurt Caitrin to know just how persecuted her people were sometimes. She had come to accept it, but that didn’t mean she had to like it.

To be in the company of like minded people was refreshing, as most would have branded her a heretic, and sought to have her killed in an instance, just for bringing a few flames to fruition. It wasn’t right, and Caitrin knew that. She wanted those with sorcery to just live in peace. Those who used magic for their own gains were few and far between, and Caitrin was tired of being branded under the same brush. Of course no one had said it to her personally, but as long as magic was hated in Camelot it extended to her too. “It’s a pity more can’t appreciate the beauty of magic.”

Yassia’s grip on her was helping, it was letting her know that even though she was grieved now, she had a friend here, someone who wanted nothing more than to put her mind at ease. Caitrin wasn’t sure why this was bothering her so much now. She’d had quite a while to come to terms with the miscarriage, but nothing was helping. Everytime she thought about it, it just began to hurt, and she pressed her hand on her belly subconsciously. Had the child survived, it would still be in her womb, living and growing, ready to be greeted by it’s parents. Knowing that future had been snatched away from her and Griff was a cruel thought. They might still have more children, and she would love those children with all her heart, but it would never replace the one she had lost. “After- After I’d submitted myself to Morgana.” She sniffed quietly, tears still rolling down her cheeks. “I was just so weak, and it just went so quickly, like it was nothing.” She knew that she was lucky to still be alive after losing the baby, but that wasn’t much of a consolation. The child was still dead, and there was no way to change that.

[Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha]

No rain. Good, very good. Yassia felt a little reassured, until the full amount of what Caitrin had really said, settled into her mind. “Wait… so that means you COULD do it?” she asked, completely taken off guard. Rain inside a room… now that would be magic indeed. It was one thing to enhance or quench what was already there, but it was – at least in Yassia’s eyes – a completely different level of mastery, if you could summon something so unnatural as rain inside a room… the clouds she would take it from were outside after all, seperated from them by tons of stone and wood!
But then, her question answered itself, when she watched the fire being put out by a gentle sprinkling. Yassia blinked, her lips parting slightly in surprise, and then when she blinked again, the fire slowly licked at the wood again, flaming up as if nothing had happened. Caitrin might have a showed off a little with that stunt, but in the princess’ eyes she was completely justified to! And to think that she had to keep this a secret from almost everyone! That she could hardly use it because the punishment would be certain death. It must be touchstone of Caitrin’s soul to see that it had not made her turn against Camelot like Morgana had done. So it was true after all: It was not your abilities that decreed who you were, it was your decisions. That simple revellation made Yassia look at her friend with completely different eyes.

She nodded when Caitrin voiced her sad opinion about the common consent that magic was bad. Yassia couldn’t understand it either. How quickly opinions could change… if they were forced to change and often enough not proven otherwise! “I know”, she sighed wistfully. “Why can’t they see it is the intent and not the power itself that matters? Power in any form, whether magical or plain natural can cause harm in bad people’s hands.” She lowered her voice. “Uther’s the best example for that, if you ask me.” Harsh words, maybe, and Yassia was not sure how they would be taken, but somehow there was not much love lost between the princess and Camelot’s king.

Even though this was all coming quite unexpectedly, Yassia didn’t feel too overwhelmed with this situation. Alright, maybe a little bit, yes, but then she oddly had the feeling that what she did right now was just the thing to be done. After all, there could be no wordly consolationg for a mother that had lost her child. It was a cruel twist of fate… or it was the cruel deed of someone else.
Yassia felt anger churning her stomach and rising up inside her like a sour tasting well. Morgana…! She should have guessed!! So that was why Caitrin had looked so terrible after Morgana’s fall! It had not only be the time in the dungeons, she had been robbed of more than just her dignity! “…Oh curse her soul to the depths of the damned!” Yassia whispered, her voice quivering. “Had I known… oh had I known, I’d have made her PAY!” Her arms tightened even more about Caitrin’s trembling frame. “It was not nothing, dear! Its immortal soul is up with the stars now”, she said softly. “It will twinkle down on you on a cloudless night. On you, Griff, and the other children you will have.”

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin gave a soft smirk at Yassia’s reaction. She’d never really tried to make it rain, the thought had never occurred to her before, especially inside. Anyway, in Mercia they always had enough rain so there was never any reason to make it rain anymore than it was already doing. Caitrin shook her head softly and gave a small smile, “I’ve never tried, though there’s not much point of making it rain in Mercia.” It was true enough, and Yassia had probably seen enough of the Mercian weather by now to know exactly where Caitrin was coming from. Perhaps the weather was nicer in her homeland, but this was still Caitrin’s homeland, and where she should be identifying with. However, Caitrin still felt like a stranger in her own homeland. Looking back at the flames that she had caused to whirl up, she supposed she was a stranger to the magical community as well. Those like Morgana sought to use their magic for unjustifiable means to get their point across. To people like them, Caitrin would be seen as an outsider, because she didn’t openly defy the rule of Camleot. Caitrin couldn’t see the point in trying to fight against the system, where had it led everyone else who had tried? Magic was such a beautiful thing, and something to be proud of, but Caitrin knew that she could never be openly proud of her magic as long as she lived in Camelot.

Then again, would it be so long until Mercia or the other kingdoms of Albion began to outlaw magic as well? “It isn’t magic which is evil, but the people who use it.” Caitrin said rather off the cuff, and looked sadly back up to her friend with tired eyes. She knew she wasn’t evil, she had never been tempted to rise up and use her magic to help her kind to make a point about Uther’s rule. Now Caitrin had Griff, she had more of a reason not to reveal her true self. She knew that if she was ever discovered then they would have to spent life on the run.

Caitrin had never thought about it like that, with the unborn soul of her child looking down upon her and Griff. She wasn’t a very philosophical sort of person, she saw things a lot more literally than that, but she’d like to think that there were people up there looking down at her. Perhaps Helgund was looking after the babe for her, that was a nice thought, and it brought her some comfort in her hour of need. She could imagine Helgund being like that, she had always said she had wanted children, but it had pleased the spirits not to bless her with any. She put her hand on Yassia’s and squeezed it, trying to sniff back her tears, “I wouldn’t have had you putting yourself in harm’s way because of me.” She managed to say, though her voice was still high and her tears were still fresh. Still, the thought of her little babe looking down on them did give her peace. She knew that little soul would always be at peace, and would never know the hardships like her children would, if she was blessed with any more. “I-I hope I am blessed with more children.” She admitted softly, and ran a hand over her eyes, “I know it would mean a lot to me, and Griff.”

[Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha]

A small amused chuckle escaped Yassia’s lips at Caitrin’s ironic remark about Mercia. Indeed, there were clichés about every single kingdom, she presumed, and one of those was that Albion in whole was a land of neverending rain, and that Mercia was the birthplace of rainclouds. It might be a cliché, but even in the short time Yassia had been here, she had found at least some of it to be true. The day when she had been out at the river with Oliver had been a day entirely without rain and even sunligh, but just as Caitrin and her were speaking, rain was already drizzling down on the castle again, this certain kind of drizzle that never seemed to stop. Of course it would stop eventually, no question of it, but it was enough for people like Griff for example, to have every single one of their prejudices confirmed. It surely didn’t rain as often in Ailantha, with its vast plains, but there was another part of the kingdom as well, where fertile valleys and lush woods dominated the scene.“I bet Griff would get a heart attack if the rain now started to haunt him INSIDE the castle as well”, Yassia agreed with a mischievous smile. “I heard him complaining about Camelot even, but I think after you both returned from Mercia, he will be as meek as a lamb. Though I really don’t know what his problem is.” Yassia stretched her limbs with a little satisfied grunt. “I find nothing wrong with a little rain, and it’s really not THAT cold.”

Caitrin’s outburst didn’t came too unexpected, but Yassia still winced at her friend’s tone of voice. There must be a great deal of frustration hidden inside her after all, and maybe it just now surfaced, as she finally had someone to talk about it. “I couldn’t agree more”, Yassia assured her softly. “Magic is probably used a thousand times more for good than it was ever used for evil, but sadly, in our memories the bad incidents stick longer and more detailed than the good ones.” Most likely there was also a great deal of fear involved, fear of the unknown and the incomprehensible. And fear could so easily become hate that killed. It was a lot easier to destroy and condemn instead of accepting your own shortcoming and inferiority.

The squeeze was a start, a very good one even, and slowly Yassia could feel the weight on her heart subside. Caitrin was strong, she would get through this, even though it took time. Miscarriages were far more common in life sadly than one might think, but starting out with one must be so terrifying and discouraging. The fear Caitrin voiced bext was nothing but a logical consequence of that misfortune. There was no greater fear for a woman who desperarely wanted children than that her womb was barren or that she could not carry her children until the end. That the stars would not fulfil them their fervent wish, because they had other plans. It was always hard to accept the plans of fate, if they went against your own heart’s desires.
But in Caitrin’s case, Yassia was more than confident the miscarriage would not have the last say in this matter. Even at their first meeting, she had found out what a wonderful mother Caitrin once would make, and she was sure the stars saw it, too. Now what they needed was faith and patience. And maybe a little reassurance.
“Of course you will have more children, Griff and you!” she insisted, locking her friend’s gaze. “A whole house full, remember?” Another thought occurred to her, but she was hesitant to even voice it. This was a very private thing, and Yassia was by no means sure if she even had the right to venture that far, or how Caitrin would react to it,
[color=7ccd7c”If…”

[/color], she started, still hesitant, but then took a deep breath. “If you want… I could check. I’ve seen my mother once doing it after a noblewoman miscarried. My mother checked for damage of her interiors which might prevent her from another birth. It’s palpable through the skin… and often also visible.”
[/blockquote]

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin couldn’t understand what Griff’s problem with the weather was either. Though she’d never been further south than Camelot she couldn’t imagine the weather being any different than it always had been. The weather was always beautiful in Camelot though when compared with Mercia But she had grown up in Mercia so she never took it for granted really. She always enjoyed a sunny day compared to the rainy days which took hold in Mercia. It hadn’t been raining so far though so Caitrin knew she should count her blessings in that respect. “Well, Griff would be spooked in more than one way.” She mused with a soft, sad smile. Griff didn’t know she was a sorceress, and she wasn’t quite sure when she would get around to telling him, if she did at all. However she owed it to him to tell him eventually because their children could inherit her streak. Caitrin ran her hand through her hair, and she pressed her lips together, no idea how Griff would react. They never spoke about sorcery at all because she didn’t want to bring it up. “But you’re right, he does hate the weather here, I don’t think we’ll be staying for very long.” Or be coming back, but that was another matter. She wouldn’t be staying in Mercia very long because she didn’t want to be anywhere near her father. Caitrin laughed at her friends comment and grinned at her. “I don’t mind the rain that much, but I prefer the sun I have to say.” The warm weather was so much better, but it didn’t mean that living here was unbearable either. Her husband to be was just quite soft with the weather.

Perhaps eventually more would come to agree with Yassia’s way of thinking. However, it was quite hard to convince people of the good that magic could do when they had just lived under Uther’s rule all their lives. If you had always been told that something was evil then it was hard to convince you otherwise then wasn’t it. Caitrin pressed her lips into a smile, “Well hopefully more will come to think that in time.” Caitrin said with a warm smile and reached out to squeeze her friends hand. She didn’t want to keep this part of her hidden for the rest of her life, but if she had to then she would.

Caitrin did still want her dream, she still wanted to have children running around her ankles, and with Griff by her side. She breathed out slowly trying to calm herself down. She knew that she could still have that family, like she knew that right now she was just having a moment and that this too would pass. It didn’t hurt her all the time, but when it did start to hurt it took full hold of her emotions. “I know, I know.” She said softly, but she appreciated her friends words more than ever now. She squeezed Yassia’s hand again and brushed away her fresh tears. She hated feeling like this, she just didn’t want to feel vulnerable because it wasn’t a side of her she enjoyed showing. As Yassia mentioned her checking her for any sign of damage, Caitrin became slightly defensive. Not because she didn’t want Yassia to check her, but because there could be a possibility of damage, however it was better for her to know now than not at all. “Just tell me if there’s anything too severe.”

[Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha]

The thought of leaving again hadn’t very much occurred on Yassia’s mind in the last few days, even though she of course knew her visit only to be temporal. First, there needed to be that planned pre-wedding celebration for Caitrin and Griff, and then they would see. It hadn’t occurred to Yassia yet that she might be leaving on a different date than her friends, because the decision whether or not Mercia would help her out would not yet have been made. Edmund had tried to assure her that he would do everything in his power, and so all she could do was wait, she guessed. But one thing was clear: even if the decision was positive and preparations were being made, Yassia would have to return to Camelot eventually, if only to say goodbye to her uncle and gather her belongings. Leaving… now that she had been in Camelot for such a long time, she had to admit, she had been growing quite attached to the place and its people. There had been many events she would have wished to pass up, but all in all, she knew she would miss Camelot. Leaving meant probably never returning again, as the distance was just too much. This was a journey one only did twice in a lifetime: there and back again. And leaving, she realized… also meant leaving a few certain people behind. Suddenly leaving didn’t sound very appealing at all…“Well, he’ll have to sit through our party first”, she replied with a wink, chasing the dark thoughts away. “Dancing keeps you quite warm I have heard, so be sure to drag him to the dancefloor all night!” Dancing in Caitrin’s company was always a pleasure, and Yassia already looked forward to it.

Yassia returned the squeeze affectionately and gave Caitrin a hopefully reassuring nod. Maybe the time was soon upon them when Arthur took over, and then a new generation would dawn on Camelot. There was no saying how much Arthur was really willing to change, but as he had been seen openly kissing a servant girl after his glorious return after Morgana’s fall, there were a few things possible in any way. Yassia had never been much for gossip, but even she could not have closed her ears to the buzz that action had caused for a while.
“I’m sure there will!” she assured Caitrin and nodded again. “Maybe a new generation has to come for that, who don’t remember the traumatic happenings of the purge. As long as magic is kept alive through people like you, I’d say there is still hope.”

She waited with pent-up breath for Caitrin’s reaction and released it slowly, once her friend had given her – albeit hesitant – consent. To be completely honest, Yassia dreaded this as well, as she wished so badly for Caitrin to be happy, to have children, and as long as there was no true knowledge there was still hope. But it also could be false hope, and in her eyes there was nothing worse in the end. It might console you at first, but the cut it caused was deeper and festering instead of the clean, sharp cut the truth could cause.
“We can do it now, or we can do it whenever you like”, she proposed softly, raising her hands in the gesture of ‘I’m fine with whatever’. “Just tell me what you’d be most comfortable with, and we’ll take it from there.”
You always had to be careful with people when you treated them, that’s what her mother had always said. Like walking in tip-toes, examining the ground first, because some things were truly delicate. She just hadn’t known how much harder it would be with friends.

[Caitrin de Archer]

The engagement party would certainly be an event to behold. It was so wonderful for Oliver to suggest holding one as Caitrin no longer resided within Mercia. It was a friendly gesture which she would never forget, and she hoped she could repay his kindness one day, though she would never tell him that because he would only tell her she didn’t have to. She couldn’t wait for the party, because she loved court culture. Perhaps the Mercian courts had lightened up in her absence, if not she would have to mould the evening to her liking. It was hers and Griff’s evening after all, she could make of it what she wished. As long as there was dancing she would be happy, she loved to dance with Griff. He was an excellent dancer and always made her a good partner. That was probably one of the only times she was completely happy in allowing him to lead her, because he was good at leading her in the dances. “It won’t be hard to drag him to the dance floor, we are well matched in the art of dance.” Caitrin smiled softly, “Have you ever seen us dance before?” She couldn’t remember if Yassia had seen her and Griff dance before. They weren’t anything special, but she always felt as if she moved as one with him as they danced. “We shall have to show off our skills as well, I remember how well you dance after all.” That had been a long time ago, she had known Yassia before she was engaged to Griff, and that was saying something.

Maybe there was some hope that magic would one day return to the kingdom. Caitrin did want to raise her children in a land where there was peace between all people, and including sorcerer’s. Caitrin lived with the knowledge she could possibly pass her skills onto her children, and if they did pick up her magic then she would move and find some where safer rather than tell them they had to hide who they were. She had done it to survive, she wouldn’t burden her offspring with the same label. “Perhaps, but I shall bide my time all the same, I have no intentions of revealing my true colours in Camelot anytime soon.” She gave a weak smile but that was that. She sometimes wondered if Arthur would put her to death if he knew the truth, or whether he would understand.

In truth Caitrin would rather know her fate here and now. At least if the worst came to the worst she trusted Yassia to be straight with her, and be a comforting shoulder on which she could cry upon. Pressing her lips together, she made her mind up there and then. She needed to know whether she could still bear children, she hadn’t bothered to get checked out after the incident but perhaps she should take the chance while it was being offered to her. She flushed slightly at the idea of her friend observing her, but she trusted Yassia with such matters, and hoped she would have the strength to offer her expertise if they were ever needed. “Just...we should just do it now.” She confirmed and stood up quickly before she could change her mind, then again should she be sat down instead? She had no idea, “How do you want to do this?” She asked gently, and nervously. This was make or break really, but nothing could make Caitrin feel worse than she already did, so she needed to hear this now while she was at rock bottom.

[Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha]

Yassia cocked her head, trying to recall if she ever had seen Caitrin and Griff dancing. Surely she must have, she did have the inner picture of those two floating across the dancefloor quite vividly in her mind. It must have been one of the feasts lately, but she couldn’t quite remember which. That was a little bit unsettling for her memory; after all, there weren’t THAT many feasts at Camelot so she couldn’t tell one from the other! In the end, she just settled on not knowing the exact date, and told her friend as much.
“I have, indeed, but don’t ask me exactly when. You were wearing a wonderful blue gown, that’s all I remember, shame on me!” Yassia grinned. Oh yes, they had been a beautiful pair, and she had admired their grace together. In Ailantha, there was a saying about dancing couples: you could see how well they fit together in how well they danced together. Judging by that, Caitrin and Griff were truly made for each other. The other part of Caitrin’s comment however didn’t appeal to Yassia quite as much. Was Caitrin really suggesting what Yassia thought she was suggesting? Was she referring to their dancing session in private, a lifetime ago it now seemed, when she had shown her friend that special, almost scandalous and surely seductive dance she had once learned in her homeland. But Caitrin couldn’t really mean now Yassia would do that again, right? With Griff or – the stars prevent! - Oliver watching!! To distract herself from that thought and also from that tiny voice in her head telling her she should do it BECAUSE he was watching, she quickly said: “Well, I’m sure Griff would love to see you dancing a Soléa!”

Of course Caitrin would keep her magical talent a secret in Camelot, that was the wisest thing to do. She might be a good friend of Arthur Pendragon, but you would never know how far this friendship stretched when matters of state were involved, and sorcery had been a matter of state for more than twenty years now, everyone using it for whatever reason being accused of high treason. Yassia was glad she hadn’t grown up in such fear, even though she did not possess any magical abilities herself. She only knew that she had to be careful with her healing prowess sometimes as well, because miraculous recoveries were often enough viewed suspiciously as being achieved by magic, even though she might just have used some method they were not familiar with.
“No, of course not, dear!” she agreed with a nod, then her face turned serious. “And you do know you can trust me with this, right? I will never tell anyone, not even under duress!” She was sure it would never come to such dramatic things, but there was no harm in saying it just in case.

Even though Yassia had offered to do this check right away, she was a little taken off guard when Caitrin wanted to do it now, and her mind started fretting, even though her outward demeanor was calm and collected. She couldn’t afford panic now, that much was for sure! Caitrin needed reassurance and therefore Yassia had to be strong and sure for her. In the end, this was easy, right? She had seen it done before, and even done it once under her mother’s tutelage. She quickly scanned her memories for the right way to go at it, then made up her mind.
”The best thing would probably be, if you lay on a table somewhere”, she mused, scanning the room until her eyes settled on just the right object. It might be a little awkward for Caitrin, but she needed to get a good look and have a strong surface under Caitrin’s back as she needed to apply pressure. “Prop your feet up and take your legs a little apart.” It would have been easier to describe if Caitrin had had any children already, since it was the exact same position of birth, but this would have to do.

[Caitrin de Archer]

The gown in question was one of Caitrin’s favourites, but it was also one of Griff’s favourites. Caitrin smiled inwardly to herself as she ran a hand through her hair. The dress usually clung to her figure and showed her off to her fiancée quite nicely. Griff always agreed, though when they were alone he always told her the dress looked better on the floor. Caitrin nodded nonetheless at Yassia’s words, she had thought her friend had seen her and Griff dance at some point as they were always the first ones in the middle of the room as the lute’s struck up a tune. She and Griff always danced as one, and they complimented each other. If they could show themselves off as an engaged couple, their favourite way to do it was through dance and that was for sure. She grinned inwardly, “Griff loves that gown as well, so I think I wear it to quite a few feasts. We do love dancing together though.”

Oh Jesu, Caitrin could imagine her betrothed watching her dance such a dance, and she could imagine exactly what reaction it would inspire within him. She had done such things to him before, but if she did it publically he would have to restrain himself until they were finally alone. Heh, it was an amusing thought, “You will have to join me of course, if I were to dance totally on my own I would cause quite the stir.” She chuckled, “I am engaged after all.” She kept having to remind herself of that, she would never share another man’s bed again, though she didn’t mind that in the slightest. She only had a taste for Griff anyway. “But Griff will love it, of that I am sure.” She winked at her friend, and quickly her mind was filled once again with the wonders of sorcery in a flash. She trusted her friend with her secret, if she didn’t then she would have denied it, and tried to get out of it when Yassia had discovered her. “I trust you with my secret, I always will.” She said reassuringly to her friend with a warm grin.

Caitrin would be lying if she said she didn’t feel incredibly uncomfortable with what Yassia was describing and asking her to do. Caitrin was usually a private person and she aimed to keep things that way as much as she could. A few years ago, or even until quite recently, had Yassia been a man then the suggestion of such things would have excited her, not embarrassed her, but she had Griff now, and he was the only one who knew her in that way now. She coughed awkwardly but nodded, still made up that she was going to do this and not back out. She needed to know, and she knew Yassia wouldn’t lie to her if the answer wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She breathed out slowly, the table was quite small but would fit her on it. She would probably just have to not look at Yassia as she worked and let her get on with it. Her cheeks were a radiant scarlet, and she couldn’t remember her friend seeing her like this before. She didn’t like it, and she never wanted to repeat this sensation again. She walked over to the table and lay back on it, before she decided to change her mind about the whole thing. Her heart was racing in her chest and she just stared up at the ceiling, lighting one of the torches that was beside her with a quick whip of her tongue so the room was better lit overall. She couldn’t really speak to Yassia because she felt so awkward about the whole thing, she couldn’t imagine how her friend was feeling as well. “Just, just do it and please be honest with me.” She finally managed when she had bitten her pride back for a few moments, drawing her legs up into the desired position.

[Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha]

Well, in the end it probably didn’t matter what feast it had been Yassia had seen these two dancing together, she remembered the fact and that was enough. She herself loved dancing almost as much as Caitrin, and it was a good thing Camelot had no shortage of young nobleman equally eager to not let a princess stay a wallflower for too long. But she had never felt like Caitrin visibly felt with Griff with one of them, they had never been dancing like one person only. Maybe it was her own fault, because she didn’t allow herself to let go completely? But ever since the coronation of Arthur Pendragon a few days ago, Yassia did have a dance to compare all her previous dances with. After the anger and annoyance of that evening had worn off, she caught her thoughts again and again straying towards that particular moment, analyzing it or just plainly dreaming about it, wishing things had been different. For even though the athmosphere of that dance had been anything but amiable, more resembling a duel, she HAD felt as one with him in those short moments in hindsight. And she couldn’t help but wish to dance with him again.
“It was visible!” she complimented her friend with an honest smile. “I can’t wait to watch you two at it again.” Maybe Oliver would ask her to dance that night as well, purely out of friendship and courtesy of course, but still… a girl could dream, right? Even though she was foolish to waste so many thoughts on him.

And now Caitrin wanted her to join in the Soléa? From her point of view and the way she said it, the suggestion made perfect sense, but Yassia still didn’t like the thought. She didn’t like it, because the foolish part of her DID like it and her thoughts already started to race. She couldn’t allow herself to go down this road, as it would lead nowhere and she didn’t have time for dead ends. So why couldn’t she just let things be? Why was some part of her still clinging to a past that had no future? She did deserve better, didn’t she?! Better than someone like him who only wanted the game any day! But Yassia also knew that she would have to work on convincing herself of that for quite a while to come. “Of course, then I will have to I guess”, she consented with a sigh, but couldn’t quite deny herself a little dig at Caitrin. “After all, I would hate to see your precious reputation destroyed by just one dance.” It was just Yassia’s nature that she would probably never quite understand Caitrin’s way of living, her carefree ways and the countless affairs she had had before Griff, but that didn’t diminish the deep affection she held for her friend. They were so alike in many things and yet as different as night and day in others. It was a good combination, she guessed.

This deep affection also enabled her now to go through with what was probably the most embarrassing moment they had ever had in the long history of their friendship. Having a good friend as a patient was never wise, and Yassia now was given the second example in just a few days as to why that should be the case. When Oliver had nearly been killed by his own brother, her panic and fear for him had nearly clouded her senses, and now she would have to invade deeply into Caitrin’s private space, something she had never wanted to if she could help it. But maybe the more professional she herself acted about this, the less uncomfortable it would make Caitrin, and that was the main thing here. You hardly could feel anything through a belly that had its muscles tensed up. Taking a deep breath, Yassia approached the table and pushed Caitrin’s gown upward.
“Be warned, my hands might be cold!” she commented softly, then put them both on Caitrin’s lower abdomen, applying soft pressure. “Breathe slowly, deeply and steadily.” To get a better sense of touch, she even closed her eyes, then deepened the pressure to esteme the position of organs. “Protest if it hurts.” That was not only said to make Caitrin feel more comfortable. Even though the miscarriage had been happening some time ago, the scar tissue of a rupture inside would still hurt.

[Caitrin de Archer]

Caitrin couldn’t wait to dance with Griff again. Their dancing was never dull or boring, and it never grated with her. She always enjoyed the sensation of being so close to him when they danced. They both had an elegance about them when the music struck up, and they moved as one. Griff had always teased her, and told her that she had nothing on his moves, but she knew she matched him. That was why they made such a good pair. She was sure that when they took the centre of the floor in their pre wedding feast then they would steal the show in a sense. “Then we will make sure we do not disappoint.” Caitrin said softly with a grin on her lips. She was sure she wouldn’t disappoint Yassia’s, or the court’s expectations. “I shall don my best gown for the occasion, oh the feast will be marvellous won’t it?” She asked her friend with a wide smile. She was really looking forwards to the feast, and she hoped that Yassia was as well, because it would mean everything for her friends to be there celebrating with her.

The solo dance would certainly set her fiancée’s thoughts alight for the night. She knew that Griff would be enchanted at such a dance, and perhaps that was why she wanted to perform the steps so much. She had never seen a dance like it in Camelot or in Mercia so it might even widen the courts imagination as well. Caitrin brushed a hand through her hair, “Who knows, perhaps the Mercian’s will enjoy the dance as well.” Specifically she meant Oliver in Yassia’s case. After all, Caitrin only wanted Griff’s eyes on her, and no one else’s. Caitrin did love Griff more than anyone else in the whole of the Kingdoms after all. She had had many men before Griff, but none were quite the same as him. He was just everything to her, and she to him. “We shall make sure we organise it on the night, so the musicians have an idea on what to play.” Caitrin suggested casually, as the musicians would have be briefed before the night began. “Heh, my reputation will not be ruined by such a dance.” She pointed out, if anything, the dance would enhance her reputation rather than ruin it.

This was uncomfortable, and Caitrin would be lying to say that it wasn’t. Instead, she just put her head to the side and tried to block out what was happening. Yassia could just get on and do what she needed to, and then Caitrin would know whether she would ever have a family or not. To think she could have ruined her chances of a family in a few hours of recklessness just made her sick. She still wanted to have children, she wanted to bear Griff’s sons, and daughters of course. She knew he had never said it was the most important thing in the world for him to have a son, but he knew that he would make a fantastic father, and children would only increase their happiness and help them build their family. “It doesn’t hurt.” She said softly, “... Can you tell if there is anything wrong?” She was just nervous, and this was starting to make her feel sick with worry. She was grateful to Yassia for doing this but it didn’t mean it was any easier to bear.

[Yassia Dyfrène de Ailantha]

Caitrin’s enthusiasm was quite contagious and suddenly Yassia found herself to be even more looking forward to the night of the pre-wedding celebration. Nothing should spoil that evening, of that she was sure, and she would do everything in her might to make that happen. She would simply let all her thoughts of state matters and star-crossed love affairs drop for one evening, for her friend’s sake. This was Caitrin’s and Griff’s night, a night full of happiness and splendour as far as Yassia was concerned. It had really been a wonderful idea by Oliver, and the least Yassia could do to help was forgetting their personal qualms and focus entirely on making Caitrin happy. She could manage to be nothing but a girl friend for one evening, right? Talking about gowns would be a good start to that. “Of course the feast will be marvellous”, she agreed, showing a bright smile of her own. “It will be nothing like Mercia has ever seen! They will probably talk about this for years to come. But you must help me with my gown choice, yes? I don’t have a whole wagonload with me, but I’m still not so sure sometimes what would be considered appropriate for such an occasion in Mercia.” When in Mercia, do as the Mercians do after all, she would hate to ruin Caitrin’s night by doing something inapropriate.

Now, with that one simple remark, Caitrin had surely done it. Suddenly Yassia couldn’t keep the mental image of Oliver watching her dance a Soléa out of her head, as much as she tried to force it back where it had come from. It was useless, it might be even silly, but there was nothing she could do about it. A Soléa was meant to instill desire in men and show them that a woman was a creature to be adored, to be wanted, but that there would always be some effort in getting her. A woman dancing the Soléa knew what she was worth – which was why it had been deemed so scandalous by the Ailanthan society. A proper noblewoman didn’t advertise herself as an object of desire after all. Either she was desirable, by the way she NOT needed to advertise herself, or she would be getting a man with the help of a huge dowry. All her life, Yassia had never looked at the Soléa with such eyes, she had just loved the dance as a dance, never expecting to ever perform it outside the four walls of her own chamber. But now that apparently was what she would do… and soon.
“Your personal musicians were able to get the gist very fast”, she pointed out, rather absentmindly. “But you’re right, a little practice shouldn’t go amiss. Do you know who the court musicians are here, and how to reach them?”

Caitrin’s claim that it didn’t hurt just confirmed what Yassia thought to feel with her probing fingers and her hope rose. As far as she could tell, there was nothing deformed and no rupture that could be the cause of any new pregnancy either to never happen or to be unsuccesful. Still, the damage could be a little lower, and she needed to rule that out as well. So, taking another deep breath, she retracted her hands and said: “So far nothing out of the ordinary, dear, let me just take one last look now!” and then she actually started to examine the entrance of the birth channel with her eyes, as far as she could make it out. This was truly the most intimate moment of all, since that was nothing but a man very close to Caitrin should ever be able to see, but it needed to be done.
Then she straightened up again and gently put down Caitrin’s gown to cover her friend again, extending her hand so Caitrin would be able to pull herself in a sitting position. “Nothing should be wrong, Caitrin. You can have a wagonload of children, if you and Griff work hard at it!”