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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2010 7:13:11 GMT -5
"You can rest assured that that is not where I want my final destination in Camelot to be either. I appreciate the sentiment, but why especially me .... I'm curious." He was especially curious how she compared himself to Arthur. He did not think that he could just come out and say it, without feeling disloyal to Arthur. "I think that if I can relax anywhere it will be here. It is, after all, where I had the pleasure of your company in the first place," he said, smiling broadly once more. "Yes it was .... I assume that was before you knew that Arthur had ..... feelings for you, eh? Well, we will never know the answer to that question, since Uther did question me."
He noticed, after making the obvious statement about Arthur and her she seemed to be shaking her head. "Why do you shake your head, Gwen? You know it to be true, don't you, of you and Arthur? You want me to keep coming to visit you? Why? Doesn't it just prolong the agony? I really don't want to put you through that. Well, don't you belong to each other? I saw how he looked at us holding hands after the rescue. This secrecy will one day catch up with us, don't you think. Well .... it is possible that he will wait to marry until after he is king, or there may come a time when Uther will accept whatever decision he makes. If you love him, why would you so easily cast the thought away. Or is it that you don't love him? Or if if you do, and you stay Morgana's servant, how will be able to take being so close to him. This is just too confusing!"
He listened closely to her response, trying to figure out what should be done next. "I think that you should speak with him then, as soon as possible. Despite your difference in class, you need to clear the air between you, so there is no misunderstanding. But, as long as you are in the mix, Gwen, and these things are left unresolved, the tension will remain, and I doubt that Arthur will ever feel comfortable enough around me to be a friend. I will always be a rival. As far as Arthur and Morgana go, though, right now, I see them more like brother and sister, than king and queen," he said quite sincerely.
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Post by Guinevère on Jun 29, 2010 12:46:06 GMT -5
Gwen was afraid of where this conversation might go. It wasn't an argument, but if he won then she would only be hurting him and if she won . . . . "Especially you because of how things are here. The king as locked both his son and his ward in the dirty cells at one point or another. While I would worry for them, I would not be afraid for them. Uther would let them out sooner or later. For someone like you,I would be afraid of what he could do to you."
"Sometimes, Lancelot, I think you have faith in Arthur and I then we do." She admitted, "A year ago if you had asked me, I would have said Arthur was but an arrogant bully, but then he started to change and my feelings got evolved. When Arthur realized his were as well he told his father would never understand and we could not be."
"I don't pretend to think that Arthur feels nothing for me, but that only makes this harder. We both know that nothing can become us. If we thought other wise, then we would not be so unhapppy." She hated saying the words, more to so Lancelot whom she did not want to hurt. Things would have been so simple if only he had been allowed to stay! Or if her heart were not so freely falling in love!
When he spoke of himself and Arthur, and then Morgana and Arthur she wanted to correct him. Once Morgana had enjoyed teasing Arthur, wearing dresses to please him, and talking about him in a non-sisterly way. Morgana had become distracted of late, not sleeping well and that was why she had stopped. That and her growing hate for the king. Wasn't it? "I have complicated things here for you more then they were before." She looked into his eyes, "I am very sorry for that and and all the hurt my feelings cause you."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2010 21:24:47 GMT -5
Lancelot quickly sensed that this was not a discussion that she wanted to have, even though it was only the two of them, and there was no danger that anyone else would overhear it. "I understand, Gwen, that this is not a question that you really desire to answer, at least right now and right here. You are really answering, other than saying the obvious, given how Uther has felt about me in the past, that once he has me under lock and key that he would go farther than with most people. I agree that that, indeed, is a possibility. After all, I did violate his precious Code. However, I am not afraid of a dungeon cell."
Lancelot smiled as she went on to the subject of relationships. "Perhaps I do. Sometimes, though, it takes someone with a view from the outside to get an accurate view. Maybe part of it is that I think that you were make a most understanding queen. You see the problem with most nobility is not simply their arrogance, but the lack of understanding ... the lack of a connection with the people they are supposed to protect and defend. I think you have that empathy ..... that necessary empathy ... that a reigning monarch would find useful at his side. Besides, I have seen the way that you two look at each other before, and I know that there is deep caring there, if not outright love. Yes, but Arthur saying that may have just been him recognizing the difficulties and obstacles that the two of you would face, not whether or not you would be successful at some point."
Why did both she and Arthur fight this .... at least he assumed it was more than just Gwen. Did they not know how wrenching this was for him, with his heart on one side, and his wish to be a loyal friend and a trustworthy ally to the Prince, as a knight should be? "What .... Gwen .... are you a seer? Do you know what the future holds? If not, then you can not know that this cannot work unless you try. And by all appearances you are trying to do whatever you can to avoid trying. Can't you at least try? If not for yourself, then for Arthur and the kingdom, as well as .... me."
Why was this so difficult, he wondered. He had his knightly duties to fulfill. She should do what made her happy, and Lancelot thought that her happiness would be tied to Arthur. Although it was true, he knew, that if she made advances to him, he could not resist her, and he was doing his best not to be put in that situation. "I am a knight of Wessex now Gwen, or at least I was. If Uther allows me to stay, I will still be a knight, just not a Knight of Camelot. It will be my duty to serve and protect Camelot and the Prince, and yes, even the King, himself. You remember what I said when I was trying to rescue you at Hengest's castle."
"I had given up trying to be what I had dreamed of, an honorable knight. You gave me back something to fight for and to live for, to be a good knight once more. I do not matter so much, but you and Merlin and Arthur do. You, if you let yourself, can lead Camelot to a better future, and I shall always be there, at the ready, to do my duty, for Camelot and Albion. There is nothing for you to apologize for. This path has been chosen for me. Don't be afraid that you might hurt me ...... I'm tough for a knight," he laughed.
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Post by Guinevère on Jun 30, 2010 17:06:35 GMT -5
"No," Gwen said feeling the emotions she had been hiding for both men expanding in her chest and the pain from it caused her to sound sad and almost desperate for a change in the subject. "I am no seer, I do not know what will become of my life. If I did things would no be so hard. Thank you for your words, Lancelot, however just because one person thinks I am a good dose not a queen make me. Morgana is graceful, and can hold her head up, and is brave, and her skin is soft and untouched! I would do nothing but embarrass Arthur! Even if I could learn, he is no willing to go against his father, and Uther scares me with what he might do to discourage the match." She was begging him to understand, "You speak of things as if it was easy, and it's not. I can not be with Arthur, any more then you allow your self to be with me."
"You ask me to be your queen, but could you live here and serve Arthur when he is king knowing I am his wife? I feel such strong things for you both, and I hate myself for the hurt it causes you two. You are good, and honorable men, and being near me is hurting that." Guinevère paused seeming to realize what she was saying. She was at fault here. It would be so easy to be with Lancelot but it would hut Arthur. She was unsure how Arthur felt for her, even while she knew it was strong, but she knew that she could not, NOT choose him. In the end she only hurt them both, either way.
Perhaps the best course of action would be to try to hurt neither of them? Let them both try to move on and stay friends. She admired Lancelot so much, could she do as he did and be so selfless? Was she that strong? Strong enough to walk away? "Please," She begged him, "I don't wish to hurt anyone. For now can't we claim friendship at lest. I -- " Be strong, Gwen "--I--" No, she knew it then. She was not strong enough to walk away. Her heart longed to be with them both, even in friendship. "--I do not wish to lose you because you have high hopes for me."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2010 23:03:23 GMT -5
It was almost a useless argument for him to make, Lancelot thought to himself. Gwen would never believe him no matter what he said. At least she did not believe that she could see the future. "You are quite welcome, even though I don't think that you believe much of what I have tried to tell you, but that is your choice to make. My calling, on the other hand, is simply to serve, to fulfill my knightly duties."
Then, as he expected she went on about how she was too inferior, while someone like Morgana was far and above the right type of candidate to be queen. All Lancelot could do was to shake his head. "Why do you put so much effort into belittling your qualifications I will never understand, Gwen. There is nothing in life that is easy. I never claimed that it was. But you should never give up before the journey has even been started," he said shaking his head once more.
"Why do you compare your possible relationship to me. I am not destined for great things, but you two are. I am only destined to serve, and to one day die, in that service. I doubt if I will ever be married, except to the kingdom that I will be sworn to protect. Yes, that is exactly what I must do .... protect you as if you were my own. Oh .... I don't know how honorable I am, really."
He could see the intense struggle in her eyes, but what was she struggling about. She surely was not still having difficulty choosing between himself and Arthur. "Of course you don't want to hurt anyone. I doubt whether you would even pick up a sword to defend your own person. Friendship? You will always have that from me .... a special one at that. You won't lose me ..... there's nothing for you to worry about ..... I know where you belong, and its with Arthur, no matter how much I might want it to be different."
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 1, 2010 20:12:20 GMT -5
"Even if somehow I came to agree with you, Lancelot, it still can not be. What should I do? Though my self at his feet and beg him to defy his father?" She asked, knowing Arthur never would. "He would never do so in this. He had said as much." Even if that had been in the beginning, he showed no signs of changing his mind. "What if we did decided to wait until the day his father dies? What if he lived for another 30 years or more? I would be to old to give him sons. The bloodline would end with him."
"You see? I have no choice but to let him marry a princess, or a noble woman." Even if it killed her. When he did, she had doubts about if she would keep her job. Arthur would not fire her, never, but she could not watch another woman give him the children she wanted to give him. Give him the kisses she wanted to gift him with.
He kept speaking of fighting and dieing! "When we first meet, you spoke of you family. Is this the life they would have wanted of you? Forever planning to die for some cause you think is bigger then your life? There is no cause out there, that I would give your life for! You should live to find a wife, and create a family in honor of them!" And as for him protecting her as his own she could not help but to look away when he said that. Arthur was an impossible dream, and Lancelot should be the reality. It should be all to easy to give her self fully to one, but even if Arthur was lost to her she knew it would not be fair to Lancelot. She would only go to him, to either of them, when she could do so with her whole heart. Love them with her whole heart, as they deserved. Not just the broken pieces.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2010 9:43:04 GMT -5
"Silly Gwen ...... the first step is to understand that it can be, not that its likely, but that its possible. Once you understand that you can work on changing it from possible to probable. The thing that you shouldn't do is give up before you have even started. No ..... Arthur would not do that .... not unless a crisis point had been reached. But you can't live on the basis of the worst-case scenario. If I had done that, after I was the only survivor from my home village I would have just found the nearest cliff to jump off of, since I had no hope. Don't you believe that you should pursue love, where you find it, even if all you have to go on is faith and hope?"
She certainly struggled with this, he thought. Gwen places all of the burden of the choice on herself, and he knew that wasn't right. "If that is his choice .... however, if he loves you, as I think you love him, if you'll let yourself, he will find a way. If he doesn't, well, the love isn't real, and you should go your separate ways, as friends, if its possible. I don't think there is a princess with his name on it. Even if there might be, I think its irrelevant, though. The question is between you and him, and nobody else."
Lancelot shook his head once more. Why was she always trying to change the subject, and why did she always bring him and his choices back into the thing? He tried to deal with the subject that she raised quite coldly and clinically, even though it did tug at his heart. "They are gone .... that was another life. I have liked to think that I was left here because I have a higher purpose to fulfill. They would have wanted me to do what was right, whether it be living a long life with a family of my own or to give my life for others. So, waste your time and energy on what I may or may not do. What happens will happen, all in good time."
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 4, 2010 19:31:33 GMT -5
"Stop trying to trow at me another man!" Gwen begged, as he keep trying to convince her that he was right, and she was wrong. "You say what will happen, will happen. So let this be, please!" Her heart was breaking at the hope he was trying to give her and what she was living every day. "Ar--The prince and I have barley spoken in the weeks since we have returned, from Hengist's castle. We both know it's imposable, even if it's only for right now."
"When you say these things to me, It hurts. It has to hurt us both. Please." She begged again, "Please let us just be friends. Let us speak of other things." Gwen did not want to hurt him, nor Arthur but nor did she want to hurt her self. Wasn't it best to ignore her feelings for both men, giving them both a chance to try to move on from the damage she was causing?
"I never knew your family, but in order to raise a son like you I have to believe that they would want what was best for you. Not for you to look everywhere for someone to give your life for. They would want you to live fully!"
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2010 20:43:18 GMT -5
"I am not trying to throw you at another man ..... what are you trying to say ...... I'm just trying to help you see that the two of you were meant for one another. You can't think that you would want someone like me instead of the Prince, do you?" Certainly she could what made sense and what didn't. She would be just the kind of person both Camelot and Arthur needed in a queen. Yes .... yes .... he had heard that often love didn't make sense, but if Arthur loved her as he thought he did, and he sure that she had feelings for the Prince, why was she making this so difficult?
"Yes .... very well ..... if you want me to let it be I will, but the reason that the two of you have not talked of it is that one or both of you is afraid of what it will lead to. There ..... I have said my piece, and I will say no more about it." Didn't she understand that only Arthur Pendragon could give her the love and the life that she really deserved? He wondered why they had not taken advantage of the opportunity he had given them by removing himself from the equation.
"I am sorry ..... I don't mean to hurt you. It was mistake for me to return to Camelot. I should have just let things be. Don't you see .... don't you know. I have lost everything that I have truly loved in my life. I don't think I can risk it again. Yes .... friends ..... let's just be friends. Maybe then I won't hurt you so much. What do you want to speak on then?" The one thing that he could never let her know was how it hurt him to let her go. He tried to avoid looking at her in the eye ..... that way he could avoid being sucked in, and showing her the pain that he felt. "Gwen, that was a different life, a different Lancelot. They would have not foreseen what different turns my life would take, and I'm afraid that they wouldn't have much useful advice, other than telling me to do what felt right, whether it involved giving up my life for someone else, or not."
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 4, 2010 21:46:36 GMT -5
You can't think that you would want someone like me instead of the Prince, do you? "Sometimes I do." She whispered back, afraid to say words that would only hurt everyone. "Sometimes I think it would be so easy to be with you." But she loved Arthur, too. Not in the same way as she did Lancelot but very closely. Which was why this hurt so much. She knew she could not be with Arthur, but in choosing Lancelot, it might hurt everything he worked for and she could not hurt Arthur either.
"Thank you." She said, with a stronger voice then before. She did not want to fight with him when their time was so limited. She wanted to be his friend, and give him any comfort or hope he needed at the moment; if it was in her power to give it. Even if it wasn't with in her right to give it.
"No! You should have returned, you never should have left!" She wondered how things would have worked out if he had not. If he had stayed and . . . . and the rest she could not even think. He had lost everything and could not risk again? Did he mean her, his family, or both? Gwen hated herself in this moment, for bringing the most honorable man she had ever meet down to this point. "I wish . . . " She began but could not finish. She had so many wishes for him, and so little words to express them.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2010 6:32:00 GMT -5
Lancelot had just asked the question, rhetorically, not really thinking that she could possibly answer it with a yes. Even if she loved someone in addition to the Prince, how could the Prince not win out? It was though, however, that she wasn't absolutely sure about the answer herself, given the small voice she used and the words she chose in saying yes. It was her follow-up words that were the big shocker. This wasn't some hypothetical question and answer. It appeared to be aimed directly at him.
This could not be. He thought that they had gone over this ground before. Thinking back, though, he realized that this was not a mutual decision they had made. He had decided on his own, once he had discovered Arthur's feelings for Gwen, to walk away. However, he now discovered, she had never really walked away from him, at least, not yet. "Me ..... but you know that I would never allow myself to get between Arthur and the woman he loves. I cannot."
He then remembered the promise that he had just made, and went silent, at least for a moment. "Friends ..... friends .... yes lets do that. I owe you, and he, at least that much I guess. You're welcome ...." He was trying so hard to do the right thing. Why was it so difficult when it came to her and Arthur. Did she not realize how hard it was for him?
His suggestion that he should have not come back, though, got an immediate response from her .... a most negative one. "Why is that?," he responded. "Why should I never have left? What would that have solved?" Would that had helped anything. He suspected that he would have been in constant mental pain, torture. It was much the same, he thought, as the pain he read on Arthur's face, just after they had rescued Gwen, and the Prince had seen them holding hands. Lancelot had felt like he had just knifed Arthur in the back, when he found out how he felt from Merlin, and he could not live with that feeling.
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 5, 2010 13:09:01 GMT -5
"I know." She said softly when he spoke of how he would not let anything become of them because Arthur loved her. Even if it hurt her, she knew she had to respect him for being true to his honor and morals in the face of everything that came at him. When he had left her in the woods, she had been heart broken and--while she would never know the answer--wondered who she would have picked if he had stayed. She had never felt closer to anyone as she had with Lancelot in the hours before. At times now, she was glad she did not have to choose. Both men would make sure she did not have to. Lancelot with his honor, and Arthur would not ask her to wait, and had yet to give her hope beyond a stolen kiss.
Friendship was all she could hope for with Lancelot, even if the friendship was forever going to be tense and painful. Knowing how it would be, forever, she knew that she still could not let him go fully. It would be to hard to ask him to not come back, and move on. She needed to see him, even if it was only for the short times they stole away from the world. She hoped that when the prince became king, he would ask Lancelot to join his knights. Ask him to stay.
"In the beginning, when you first came here. They said Arthur was going to stand up to his father for you. He was doing it, I heard." Between gossip and what Merlin had told her when she asked him, she knew the basics of what had happened but not the details. "What if the king had changed his mind?You could have been a knight of Camelot." Things would have been different then, wouldn't they?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2010 14:45:01 GMT -5
He could not tell if she really believed when she said 'I know' or if she was just sadly accepting it. He had not meant his response to be so blunt and harsh, but that's how it came out, even to his own ears. He took her hands in his. "I know that when I left the three of you, after the rescue, that it hurt you. I don't think I realized how much until I saw the look in your eye just now. But I really saw no other choice, and I did not really have any plans of seeing you ever again. I didn't want to mainly because I knew it would hurt too much, and my friendship with Arthur was changed forever anyway. You have no idea how difficult this is for me, Gwen."
"To know how much pain my presence can cause, and to have something that is so close, but so far away, is maddening. The knowledge that what I would want most is not the right thing for the larger kingdom is hard to resist." He wondered if it was even remotely possible for his friendships to survive. He knew the closer he would get to Gwen the greater the gulf there would be between him and Arthur. The only hope was to remain friendly with them both, but focus on his friendship with Arthur, and ever allow himself to get in-between the two of them.
"Yes ..... Arthur not only was going to stand up for me .... he did stand up for me. I could here him and UTher through the thick doors of the Great Hall. Merlin and I could here Arthur take responsibility for freeing me. He said that I had laid down my life for him, and Arthur demanded that nothing less than a reinstatement to the Knights of Camelot was satisfactory. The King said that he would never allow it ..... a pardon perhaps ..... but never a knight. I had broken the Code. Arthur responded that then the Code was wrong. He said that the thing that the knighthood was built on was wrong."
"They were at an unbridgeable impasse over me. That's when I went in and told them both that I was leaving. I could not be the instrument of division between them. I told them that I would go elsewhere to be a knight, although someday I hoped to be worthy of being a Knight of Camelot. Arthur responded that I'd already proved it. I said I had to prove it to myself. I thought I saw it in the King's eyes some respect .... at last .... at hearing that. And then I was gone. Yes .... it would have been different, but I'm afraid that Uther will never change his mind about me."
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 5, 2010 22:37:53 GMT -5
"I can guess how hard this is, and how much it hurts you. I never meant to become this woman I am. I never meant to fall in love with two men. I wish I had not." But she could not pick which one she would give up. "You are the most honorable man I have ever known. Don't let me words a moment go give you doubt. I think your parents would be proud of the man their son is today." However, Gwen had to believe this would not be the life they would want for him. She could not imagine a mother wanting this life for her son.
"Do not. Please. Do not say you only stay away from me because of a kingdom. If you must compare your self to him and hold back your feelings because of who he is, then only see him as a man and not him as a prince." Gwen never compared their stations in life, and did her best not to compare the men at all. "I never see you as below him. Please do not ever think that."
The king had offered a pardon?! Lancelot could have stayed?! She knew his honor would not have let him but it hurt to hear he could have stayed. He was not an outlaw! "I would never speak these words to anyone else, but the King is a fool. He should have seen what he had with you." She knew Lancelot would not tell others she called the king a fool, the only other person she would dare say these words to was Merlin. Never Arthur. With him she was care how she said things about the king and the nobles. Not wanting to offend his father or friend. She knew, however, that the prince was aware of her fear of the king. That was enough at times.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2010 10:24:18 GMT -5
So .....she admitted it fully now. "I suppose that you can try to guess, but I would guess that you would probably fall a bit short there," he said somewhat dejectedly. "We can wish for things forever and it will matter not. It does not matter what you meant or didn't mean to happen. All that matters is what is. You would have been better off if you hadn't fell in love with .... cared for me. All I can bring you is hardship and worry. You will be better off for him. My place will always be at the front of the battle, and I'm afraid you will never be comfortable with that. I do not expect to die of old age. Arthur, on the hand, is more likely to always have knights willing to die for him."
She now seemed to alternate between pleading and trying to make a point. Did she not understand that the path for his life had been set long ago, and that she could influence it, but not really change it? "Very well .... I will not say it. I will say, though, that there are likely to be greater forces, of greater importance, working here than a single knight of which little will be remembered when he is gone. I would never really try to compare myself to him. Its not only because he is a noble of Britain, and I am not, but that he is meant for greater things, I think,m than I can imagine. And through him, you will be meant for those things as well. At best, I will be his servant, at worst I will be his enemy, but what I would like is to be his friend, but I don't know if its possible."
She was obviously saying things in confidence now, things that she would not want either of the Pendragons to hear. "A fool? Why would you say he is a fool? Yes, he has made mistakes, as men are prone to, as even Arthur has and will make in the future. However, he is the king, and his edicts must be obeyed." Lancelot blushed at her remarks of the king not seeing what he had had. "You give me more compliments that I deserve. I doubt if Arthur, even, for example, would give me such praise, now."
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 6, 2010 12:18:34 GMT -5
Gwen wanted to speak words that she could not in this moment. Tell him had he asked it of her, she had left with him in the woods. Gone where he had chosen. In truth, she did not know for sure what she would have done, but she recalled in those moments feeling closer to him--more drawn to him--then she had ever felt, with anyone. She still had feelings for Arthur, yes, but in those moments her feels had been clear. Perhaps it had been the danger, or the hope he brought to her. Gwen wondered why she did not just leave with him now? She could be with Lancelot, and it would be natural, easy. However she knew she could not leave Ar--Camelot.
He always spoke of death, she Gwen always feared he looked forward to it to readily. She had made her objections known, and would not keep forcing them on him, even while she wished she knew a way to change his mind. "Do not believe you will be little remembered. You have touched so many lives, that I can not believe you will be easily forgotten." Then he spoke of other things, "You keep claiming that I will be at his side when he is king and it is not true. The prince knows his duties to Camelot and will for fill them. He will find his princess, and he will marry her." There was talk that even the king might remarry. A visiting noble woman, Katrina. "I do not think the prince sees you as an foe. You were friends before I caused things to get awkward in the forest. You shall be friends still."
"I can not speak for the prince, but I believe I know enough of him to say this honestly, Arthur has the same type of honor, I see you. He will not let whatever it is he feels for me, effect his judgment as a knight. Before . . . When we were locked in Hengist's cage, and the prince jumped in to rescue us, he spoke to you." Arthur's voice had been glad to see Lancelot here. "He was glad to know you had his back. Relieved to see you fighting with him."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2010 20:32:58 GMT -5
Lancelot was not sure of everything he should say, if he should say anything more at all. Perhaps it would be best to just let sleeping dogs lie. He sensed, from the expression on Gwen's face that there was a lot that she wanted to say, or could say, perhaps. However, given her nature, where she tried to be a calming if not peacemaking force, Gwen might think that she shouldn't say. Therefore, there was a great silence there. What was she thinking about? Was she thinking of the past ...when Lancelot had just arrived, or was she thinking of when he had left them all in the woods. Or was she thinking of the future. He knew that unless she wanted to speak on it, she wouldn't. So there was no point in trying to get it out of her, so he didn't even try, and he sighed deeply.
He had learned, finally, after all of this time, not to talk to her about battles, or anything that was description of the physical conflicts he had been involved in. All that ever did was heighten her sense of close he risked and cheated death, on occasion. He was at his best in the heat of battle, where he might be off his horse, engaging with multiple fighters on some battlefield. "Only kings and their generals are remembered, as in the great heroes of Antiquity, like those of Troy. All others are destined to be dust in the wind. When one has no family, especially, to carry on such memories, that is the way of things. I accepted this long ago. Still, though, even though I will not be remembered, I still have to do good where I can, and maybe leave good things and deeds behind that will."
She, of course returned to fighting his view of her and Arthur. "I see what I see. The two of you belong together, no matter what I might personally want. Well, then, I believe he already has met her. Some princesses are born into their roles and some simply become princesses. I think that Arthur will find some way to claim his princess as her own. The only thing that can stop him will be your stubborn refusal to see the light, of course, unless the temptation overcomes me, and battle him for the right to have you. However, since that is the one thing you desire to avoid the most, I will do my best to resist the temptation."
Lancelot was quite sure of his feelings for Gwen, even though he did his best to submerge them. What he didn't know or understand was his relationship with Arthur. They had been friends or on their way to becoming friends, and Gwen had upset everything. "I am not sure about that. I think the more involved I get with you the more of an adversary I will become to him. I hope to be friends with him again, but I think that will be more up to Arthur than to me. Yes .... he always liked to see me fighting with him, rather than against him. He said once that the only thing about me that reminded him of a knight, was the way I fought. Only time will tell if that will happen again."
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Jan 2, 2022 18:42:54 GMT -5
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 7, 2010 19:57:16 GMT -5
The more he got involved with her. Gwen's face lowered at these words and she tired to think over everything he had just said. Everything they were both saying over and over and over again. It seemed the only thing they did was rephrase things and try to make the other see their own view. She did not want to spend the whole evening fighting with him over how the prince might or might not feel for her, and how he might or might not treat Lancelot, or even if Lancelot should or should not seek death out around every turn.
Looking back up at him, she wondered what to say. Apologize again? She was ruining his dreams of being a knight. She could promise all she wanted that the prince would not hold this ageist him, but she still could not predict his thoughts. She could not control his actions. She only had hope. Hope for what the prince could be, and what he could do. Hope that Lancelot would change his mind one day and find a good woman and love her. Even if it broke her heart to let him go. Arthur would find his princess, and with her out of the triangle, they both could have what they want. Arthur is knight, and Lancelot his kingdom to fight for.
"Will you answer something honestly for me?" She asked him solemnly. "Could you serve a king, as a knight of the kingdom, if I was the one by his side?" She knew it would never happen, could never happen but maybe this would help him see. "You left once, because your honor would not let you come between father and son, and then again not to come between something you thought the prince wanted. Even if you were right, Lancelot, I would only be bring you both down. You could not reach your dream." And Arthur would be the laughing stock of Albion.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2010 0:38:05 GMT -5
Lancelot thought that she must understand how difficult this was for him. If she was this close to him, physically, as well as emotionally, she just had to feel the same stresses that he did. How could she not? they did seem to go around in circles, more than they had ever gone before. Lancelot knew that when they had met in Camelot the first time, that there was a definite attraction, but no knowledge of anything involving the Prince. The second time, to his surprise she had expressed feeling of attraction, with words, that turned him around, and they had seemed ready to commit to one another, only for him to find out about the Prince's feelings.
Once he had found that out, his feelings for her had to be made secondary. He would not do anything that deprived Prince Arthur of his happiness. Anything else would have seemed disloyal ..... a betrayal. He had had no choice either time in his own mind. The first time he had to choose between staying with her and physically defending the prince. It was a false choice, since it was his duty to protect Arthur. And when he came the focus of dispute between King and Prince, he chose to remove himself, and prevent conflict. The second time, after rescuing Gwen with Arthur, he knew that the only chance they had was for him to remove himself, which he did.
Would she ever understand what he had done and why. Was it possible for anyone to truly understand? Then, as usual, he thought, she came up with a sharp question that cut to the heart of the matter. He had no easy answer. He wasn't sure that there was one. "Yes, of course I will try. I've always believed it was my knightly duty to answer it thus." He listened to her question and committed himself to answering it. "If I was a knight, my first duty would always be to king and country, first, before any other love or family. I will not lie to you .... it would be difficult, but yes I would force myself to do what was right ..... to do my duty and all that honor demands. Then perhaps my dream wasn't meant to be, or more likely, I would have to choose which dream to fulfill and which to leave behind. Honor and loyalty would win out over my happiness, I suppose."
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 8, 2010 17:40:37 GMT -5
Gwen had not really expect his answer to be any different. Lancelot still could surprise her at times but not in this. She had not known him long but she knew him well. He would always put others--especially the kingdom and the royal family--before himself. Knowing this, and knowing how he would never give them a chance as long as Arthur held feelings for her hurt.
At the same time, she could not help but to love him more for being so true to himself. She wished she had the strength of will power to be as sure of her every move as he did. Lancelot was always a essence about him, one that spoke of strength, and confidence. Gwen longed to be apart of it, to be part of him. She lowered her gaze, not able to meet his eyes as she spoke words that would only hurt them both, but also perhaps being an understanding to them.
"I am not as strong as you, Lancelot. While I know it can not be, if something should happen and I could be by Arthur's side . . . I could not be there and see you everyday. I could not do so knowing that by being who I was I would be hurting you. I could stand there, by his side and watch you vow to serve and protect me knowing . . . . knowing how your kisses make my heart race, and the sound of your voice makes my stomach flip. It would not be fair to him, and would not be kind nor fair to you."
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