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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2010 20:21:26 GMT -5
That particular question had never been posed to him. In fact, he had never even considered it. Thinking about it further, he realized how monumentally difficult it would prove to be. It would be a temptation and a stress that he would have to face every day. He would not be able to have any moments of weakness. However, the code of a knight would not allow him to have any breakdown in the discipline that would be required.
He wondered if, faced with the challenge, whether he would become more cold and callous each day, to serve as a man-made buffer between himself and the object of his feelings. No .... he would just have to remember that his first duty had to be to King and kingdom. The thing that he had failed to consider before now, though, was the effect it would have on her. Would she still love him, even after she had chosen Arthur. If she did, what stress would she have to live under, with him being underfoot and nearby.
He wondered how much, if any she would be hurt by a situation like that. He listened to her as she responded to his answer to the question, and he began to shake his head negatively in response. "No, I am not that strong. I just would understand where my duty and responsibility lies, as a knight, as long as I am a knight. If I was not a knight, then .... who knows. Yes, but if you were his husband, his queen, wouldn't you feel obliged to reject anyone else? What? I make your heart race, but does not he do so even more? You have never said such things to me before. Why wait until this late date to tell me now? It does not matter if it is kind or fair to me. Its only a question if I serve him or if I don't. I'm afraid my path was chosen long ago, and it comes down to those two paths."
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 8, 2010 20:47:25 GMT -5
"I am sorry! I should not have spoken and keep it to my self." She admitted quickly, almost talking over him near the end. "I simply hoped you would understand. What I feel for you and what I feel for Arthur are two very great feelings. Almost equally strong, but in greatly different ways."
With Arthur it was soul deep. The emotions he made her feel were ones she never felt before. Sometimes the emotions were so strong she could not breathe because of them. When he kissed her that once, she had felt like she was going to explode into a million stars and sore high above the world. She was drawn to him, and felt passion while in his arms. Lancelot on the other hand . . . . the sound of his voice made her skin tingle and her breathing deepen. His kisses made her knees weak and her mind go blank. One was soul deep and one was psychical. Yet she knew she loved them both.
"I am not as strong as you are, I would want to reject everyone else no matter who I was with. I would want to love only my husband be him a farmer or carpenter or prince. But I can not help what I feel, and It would not be fair to anyone--to any husband if I could not give him my whole heart." She paused for a moment, "I do not wish to hurt you. I want nothing more to be in your life, even if only as a friend but you must think of your self in this. Would it be easier for you if I did not ask you to stay? If I tried to send you away?" Was she strong enough to do so?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2010 13:37:01 GMT -5
"There is no reason for you to be sorry. Especially with a friend, you should feel free to speak and share what is truly on your mind. Unless you really feel it is something that I should not know, or is dangerous for me to know. I am honored that you put me in the same category as the Crown Prince. Tell me what these different ways are."
Lancelot knew that it could be dangerous to hold strong feelings and emotions in, instead of allowing them to be stated. If they were held in too long, and under too much pressure, they could be be release explosively and aggressively, which was rarely a good thing. Apparently she had developed deep feelings for the both of them. However, he could not see how her feelings for the Prince could not outweigh her feelings for himself, Lancelot. Arthur was a prince and could offer her a happy and a positive future. Any life with Lancelot would undoubtedly be harder. Also, she saw Arthur every day, and her time with Lancelot could only be measured in days and hours. Surely it could be no contest.
"You underestimate your strength, just as many incorrectly judge you. Those who serve, and the common people they represent always have the greatest inner strength, because of the lives they have had to live. Are you saying because you care for two, perhaps equally, but in different ways, you should be denied both. Wouldn't denying the love of both be guaranteed to hurt them both. Life is not fair. Life is not just. All we can do is live it, the best that we can, and to treat others, as long as they will let us, the way we would want to be treated."
"We don't live in a perfect world. If you must choose him, you must do what feels right. I would then have to choose whether I could serve the to of you, as husband and wife, as king and queen. If I can not find it within me to do that, then I would simply have to leave. The decision of what you would choose, however, would be up to you. Actually,though,I would think he would find it as difficult to tolerate my presence."
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 10, 2010 23:07:09 GMT -5
Gwen looked up at him, "Dangerous for you to know?" She asked him, not sure what he meant. Unless he meant that he thought she would know political secrets or something. Arthur would not share those types of things with her, she would not want him too. Was that what he meant by dangerous? "I don't understand."
She stayed silent while he spoke, and then she was at a loss to how to answer. What did she want more? Sometimes the answer was easy, and sometimes the answer was painfully hard. It felt like she was being pulled in two greatly different ways. The part that scared her was she knew the one she should choose. How she should handle this. When she said or thought Lancelot would be the easy choice it was not meant in a the same way some might say 'take the easy way out'. It was just she could be with him easier. It would be easy to just ask him to take her to his new home and let them stay there. Easy to fit into that live and she could be who she has always been, with out changing or fear of what was to come.
Knowing all this, she still felt torn. "I might--it might be . . . " She tired to speak but could not. "How can something that is supposed to be wonderful and beautiful cause so much pain?" She asked instead, not wanting to say words that she she could not even form in her mind. "When we first were friends, what feels like forever ago, this was simple. This was wonderful. . . . "
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2010 0:24:59 GMT -5
Gwen's face initially looked full of confusion and questions. "Yes .... there may be things that you may come to be aware of ..... about Arthur or the King that it would be dangerous for me to know. Things, for example, that could cause me to be jealous of the Prince. Things that might bring us, Arthur and I, into open conflict."
She then turned silent, waiting to hear what Lancelot had to say, letting him finish. He was asking her the kind of choice she would make. Could she, out of fear of hurting one or the other, actually reject them both, he wondered. What did she mean by each of them affecting her in different ways. She would have to make a decision. Lancelot knew, neither he nor Arthur could make the decision for her. In Lancelot's mind the choice was simple. How could a rational person not decide to be with the Crown Prince of Camelot. Why was she delaying what had to be an inevitable decision?
He could tell, though, no matter how clearly he had laid it all out for her, she still was uncomfortable with coming to a decision. Her halting words betrayed her indecision. "Would you rather I simplify the decision for you, and simply leave and never return? Oh, ma cherie, there is much about love that is wonderful and beautiful, but it is not easy. Like everything else worth having it is difficult. Well then, lets just be friends so that you can go forward in peace then," and he turned his back to her so that she could not see his face.
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 11, 2010 21:18:05 GMT -5
Gwen knew that she could never choose Arthur for the simple reason that he had not chose her, but even if he had, she wasn't sure she could. Would. Not while she felt this draw towards another man. It would be to mean to to everyone around to pick one man based on how easy it was to be with, or another because of feelings, while she was in love with another. It would only hurt the one she did not pick, her self and the man she did be with would be hurt by forever wondering if she loved the other more.
When Lancelot turned his back to her, close the distance between them and rested her hands on his upper back, while resting her forehead between his shoulder blades. She knew this whole conversation was only hurting them both.
"Let us say no more! Please, I beg of you. I plan to only ask for friendship from you both, nothing more." No matter how much she wanted it, "Let us speak of things that friends speak of. And share in laughs like others do. You can tell me of this new earl, and life there and I will tell you of Merlin and life here. If we can spend a few hours are friends, then there is hope for us."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2010 0:51:14 GMT -5
To Lancelot it seemed like the question would never go away. He could see it in her eyes, it was so easy to read. She could not choose between them, so he had the feeling that she was going to try and choose neither. That, in Lancelot's view, would simply not do. She would be the queen that Camelot and Albion needed and deserved. He would do what he could to insure that. If he had to reject her, or leave her, to push her towards Arthur, then so be it. He was determined to make sure that she didn't look at it as an equal choice.
Lancelot had turned his back to hide his face and his expressions from her. He had not expected her to use the opportunity to rest her head and hands on his broad back and shoulders. He wondered if she knew how difficult this made it for him.
"As you wish, milady. However, you know what they say about the best-laid plans going awry? As long as that is what you really want." He knew that she was trying to take the easy way, even though she was convincing herself that it was best for he and Arthur, as well. "Very well, then tell me of Merlin, and life here," he said with his arms folded across his chest.
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 12, 2010 12:38:06 GMT -5
She knew what all they said about plans with good hearts, and how the road to hell was paved with good intentions. However for someone as hopeful as Gwen (even when times were as hard as this one) she could not believe that the impossibility of life where they all avoided each other. Someday, Arthur would find a princess, and perhaps even Lancelot a lady worthy of him. She just had to be strong enough to remain their friends until that day.
She could feel the muscles in his back move as he crossed her arms, and she wished she had the right to wrap her arms around him. She had only meant to rest her palm against his hand to show comfort but she had taken it a step further. He smelled of his travels and places other then Camelot. It was not a magical scent but one that spoke of a non-pampered life and hard work. Something she was used to. If he was less honorable, and less loyal to Camelot she would have bagged him to take her away from her. But she could not do that to him, and he he were less of both she knew she would not be her Lancelot. . . not that he was her's now.
"They say--" She wondered what to tell him, suddenly she could recall no details of life here that did not place her near the prince. "They are saying that the king has been grow edgy with new tails of witchcraft in Camelot." That was just gossip, something Gwen normally did not repeat, "Sir Leon-if you recall him-seemed to have gotten a promotion of sorts." Sir Leon had been a knight the king seemed to favor more and more. "Merlin is doing well. I wish there was a way to ask him to join us but he is working tonight, I believe." And she dared not leave him here alone out of fear he might be gone when she returned.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2010 18:23:17 GMT -5
How had this visit gotten to this point. Lancelot wondered. He had originally just planned on passing through the market, just to walk through Camelot once more, to visit a place with good memories. He had not planned to run across Gwem or anyone else for that matter. Although, he considered, he wouldn't have minded running across Merlin and exchanging some stories. Maybe he could have had a bowl of the soup that Gaius liked to make.
The people that he had wanted to avoid at all costs, though, were the Pendragons, Uther and Arthur. If Uther were to discover him here, unannounced and uninvited, it could be a one-way ticket back to the dungeons. And this time Arthur might not be so obliging in getting him out. Gwen had not been an issue the first time. She definitely was now, and Arthur might think that there was no better place for him than under lock and key, friend or not. He knew it was time for him to go, and that every minute more he risked discovery. He was turned away from her so that she could not see the emotions on his face. But he could feel her body pressing against his back, now, and it was so difficult to make the decision to leave.
"That is not surprising given his past actions and history." Lancelot could tell that she was having difficulty coming up with things to talk about. He assumed that was because most things, if they did not involve Uther, they did involve his son, the Prince. "That is good to hear about Merlin. I think it has a talent for getting into ..... situations." Lancelot wondered if anyone else had come upon Merlin's secret. Did Gaius know as well, he questioned. "Yes, that would be good. Do you think you could go ask him, to see if he could get away." Lancelot figured that if she went to ask Merlin it would be the perfect opportunity for him to slip off into the night.
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 12, 2010 23:24:08 GMT -5
She knew that he would leave if she walked out of here. She hoped he would not, but she knew he would not want to make a scene and he would leave. At the same time, she did not have an excuse to not seek out Merlin. What could she do? Accuse him of trying to leave her with out a word? She could not do that. "I--" She started as she rested her head against his back, unable at first to force words out.
Her hands, which were flat against his back, balled into small fists. He could not even look at her. Even if she could think of a reason not to seek out Merlin, what good would it do besides hurt him more? "I--I will go and s-see if he c-can be spared." She lied to him. She turned her head so her cheek lay ageist his back for a moment, and inhaled deeply, memorizing his scent, before letting go. She turned quickly away and walked over to the counter. She quickly wrapped some vegetables in a cloth and sat then on the corner of the table. Something for the road.
She picked up her shall, and with one last long glance at his back she walked out the door. She knew she would never make it to the castle to beg Merlin to get him to stay, Not with Merlin with Arthur who would take note of her tears. She did not want the prince to see her like this, tears on her cheek and crying for another man. So she walked over the side of her house, and leaned against the wall, so he might not see her there, as he left.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2010 7:06:43 GMT -5
Lancelot knew that there was little to be accomplished here. He would have liked if she would have been willing to leave with him, but he knew that that was a dead-end street. She would never leave her friends here, nor the service of the Crown Prince. He, himself, once being one of Arthur's knights, was loyal to Arthur first and foremost. Besides, what life could he give her anyway. He was currently just a wandering knight.
He knew, though, if he would wish it, the Earl of Huntingdon was more than willing to give him a permanent position. He knew, though, as did the Earl, that if his heart belonged to any one place, it was to Camelot, and not to Wessex. These many and confusing and contradictory thoughts, at least for now left his mind, as he felt her hands ball up on either side of his back. He wondered what that was about. It would be so easy for him to stay, he thought, but he must go. He would only be discovered, and what then? He then heard her voice speak, "I--I will go and s-see if he c-can be spared."
Suddenly he felt her walk away and saw her, out of the corner of his eye, go over to the counter, and began to bag up some vegetables. Why was she doing that? She wouldn't be taking those to Merlin. He ate well enough as anyone, being the Crown Prince's manservant. She set them on the table, walked away, put on her shawl, and walked to the door. Were they for him? Why would she do that .... unless. Would she leave him without even saying good-bye?
Finally, he turned around, not knowing that his eyes were somewhat reddened. He was rapidly becoming an emotional wreck. What a mistake it had been to come to her place, he thought to himself. Its not unlike getting caught in a spider's web ..... not that it was intentional or evil on her part ..... but how could he just leave. Before she could leave, he blurted out, "You do realize that I can't stay .... that I must leave don't you? It would only be a matter of time before I'm discovered, if I don't leave before dawn. Then, what would be become of me .... what would become of you if I were found here?" There was no answer, as he saw her hurry through the doorway. Could he leave now? Would his knightly code of honor let him?
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 13, 2010 11:03:24 GMT -5
]
Her plan had been foiled. She had meant to make it easy for him to leave again, and he seemed to be stopping her; or at lest prolonging the moment. You do realize that I can't stay .... that I must leave don't you? It would only be a matter of time before I'm discovered, if I don't leave before dawn. Then, what would be become of me .... what would become of you if I were found here? "It's hours til dawn. Only late afternoon." She had paused in the door way, and was not looking at him. She wanted to turn and look at him but knew if she did, she would not be able to keep walking out the door.
"The king offered you a pardon, once. It could still stand, if he did not mean it, he would not have let you leave the first time." She turned to glance over her shoulder at him but stopped. She wondered if she should keep going, and knew she should but she wasn't sure which way to go. Keeping going out or come back in.
"I know you feel you can not stay, I--I was trying to make it easy for you." She told him. Gwen took a step back from the door and shut it, but keep head down, not looking up at him. She wanted to, but was afraid of what she might see. "I have never really said goodbye to you. I don't know if I could."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2010 12:51:36 GMT -5
Lancelot saw her pause at the door. He sensed that she was thinking what to say, how to respond. Did she really want him to go, or did she want him to stay. He felt more and more as if caught in the spider's web. He felt that he was entirely at her mercy. Is this how Arthur felt around her, he wondered. And then she spoke, "It's hours til dawn. Only late afternoon."
He saw that she had stopped in the doorway entirely. Now, she turned around to face him, but she would not look into his eyes. Why did she not want to look into them, and why did his feel sore and irritated? She continued, "The king offered you a pardon, once. It could still stand, if he did not mean it, he would not have let you leave the first time." He considered those past events. "Yes, but he never offered it to my face. He only offered it as a suggestion to Arthur, probably trying to keep the peace between them, once he knew how the Prince felt. My offer to leave was probably a godsend in his mind."
"However, with how Arthur feels about you, and the threat I may be to those possibilities, Uther may not feel the same need for appeasement. They both might want to see me locked up." She had now fully turned and closed the door behind her, and spoke once more, "I know you feel you can not stay, I--I was trying to make it easy for you. I have never really said goodbye to you. I don't know if I could." This was the moment, he thought to himself, the moment he had been dreading. "I cannot just leave in secret, that would be dishonorable. You say that there is time ..... that its only late in the afternoon. It is for you to tell me then when to go. I know where my place should be and where yours should be, and I can hardly bear it," he said as tears began to spring to his eyes. "You have truly ensnared me, and there is no escape for me. But I will do my duty. Just tell me what you want me to do and when and I will do it." Lancelot's head bent down, his eyes looking at the floor, his arms hanging limply at his side, truly in despair for the first time.
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 13, 2010 13:10:03 GMT -5
Stay! Take me with me! I do not care which just keep me by your side! Let me be your reason to stop seeking death, and give you the family and life that a man of your honor and strength deserve. Let me love you and lets us never speak of being apart again.
The words that came to Gwen's mind were fast and powerful. Her heart beat faster for the possibility was now there. If she took it, she could have him. She knew it would be hard to leave Morgana and Merlin and . . . . and Arthur, but she might be able to do it. For Merlin at lest, it would not be a permitted goodbye. Morgana might even wish Gwen well. Here he was willing to .. . . no.
That was when he knew what he was doing. He lived every day with honor. His honor was the most important thing to him and he was willing to give it up for her? She had brought him this low that he would betray what made him, him for her?
Gwen's shoulders shook as a sob came out of her, and she turned away from him, not wanting him to see her face. She could not form the words to respond, and even if she could, what would she say? Leave before I bring you lower? Love me til I die? Fight me for? Run from me?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2010 15:33:25 GMT -5
What exactly did she want from me. Did she want me to beg. I could not not do more and maintain any semblance of honor and dignity. Oh well, in saying what I said I probably lost the last bits of that. She obviously doesn't feel the same way. Those feelings are reserved for Arthur, he thought to himself, thinking of the logic of it all.
There was more that he could say, but would be the use. She wanted to be friends, obviously, and he felt that she wanted him to be friends with Arthur, and Merlin as well, but there was nothing more there, apparently. Even if she did feel .... something .... she was too loyal to Morgana and the Pendragons, as well as her friends, just to get up and leave. He could not uproot her, he knew. And what kind of life could he give her.
Not the one that she was deserving of, in the least. He would always care for her, he knew. It was just hard to see that she did not feel the same way. Would it be possible, for her knowing that, just to go back and be a friend. Would that knowledge of a small piece of how he actually felt be too difficult to overcome?
He saw her then, leaning back against the door, and her shoulders were shaking. Was there something wrong. Or was she laughing? What did she find to be so humorous of what he had said? Was that why she had turned away now, so he wouldn't see or hear her laughing at him. Hmmmm .... but they almost sounded likes sobs and not laughter. Lancelot did not know whether to be angry or concerned. He walked up to her, reaching down to grab both of her shoulders and ask, "Is there something wrong? Did I say something ..... wrong?"
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 13, 2010 23:37:44 GMT -5
Gwen felt his hands on her shoulders and wanted to pull away but she could not force her self to. She reached up and placed her hand over his, still not looking up at him. His words however, made her pause. "Yes!" She said in a whispered but strong tone. Turning to look up at him she keep her one hand over his. Needing to touch him in some way.
"You are the most honorable knight--and human that I have ever been given the pleasure to know. Every action you make, every thought and spoke spoken--Everything about you says that. Says that honor and loyalty mean more to you then your life."
"Yet your words to me just now, suggest you would give it all up for me? Why?! You should never betray who you are for anyone. Especially me. You should not comprise who you are because of a silly little girl who can not even control her heart." She told him almost begging him to not give her this power over him, "What if I had asked you to stay?"
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2010 18:55:27 GMT -5
He wondered whether grabbing her in that manner was just going to cause her to be repelled. However, she made no direct attempt to escape .... interesting .... he found. In fact she covered his with hers .... even more interesting he thought. "Yes ..... but yes to what? Is there something wrong or did I say something wrong? I expect it was the latter, knowing me," he said as he tried to take his hands off her shoulder, but instead she turned around to face him.
She started talking to him, and she said things that he did not expect to hear, mainly because he did not think that highly of himself, and thought that other people must look even more critically at himself than he did. "Well, I try to be honorable. I try to do the knightly thing, but I fear I fall short of the mark often. I certainly don't look at myself as the most honorable knight or man. But yes, I do value that more than my life, but I value the lives of others more than my own. Often a knight is simply a tool to be used for greater ends. If a cause is not worth dying for, what kind of cause is it?"
He listened to the words she followed up with now, and her words sounded almost accusatory, and he reacted to them somewhat defensively. "Are you trying to tell me that you aren't worth a sacrifice, or that you wouldn't want me," he said, now looking down at the floor. At the best, she is trying to drive him away, he thought. At the worst this was a rejection. "Why would it be a betrayal? Couldn't it as easily be a betrayal of my own heart. Would you choose to destroy me by rejecting me now that I'm caught in the web? Do you even question what I would say?," Lancelot said, now close to tears again, as he feared a final rejection.
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Post by Guinevère on Jul 15, 2010 20:38:49 GMT -5
"I meant that you had said something wrong. When you spoke of giving up your honor for anyone, especially me." If a cause is not worth dying for, what kind of cause is it? "You should find a cause worth living for, Lancelot! You should seek out a place that is beautiful and wonderful to you and only fight to protect it. Not fight by orders of a king." Any king, not just Camelot's king.
Are you trying to tell me that you aren't worth a sacrifice, or that you wouldn't want me, "I am not worth your loss of honor, Lancelot. You are everything that is good in this world. Do not let me be the one who destroys it." As she feared she might already have done so. She felt warm tears on her cheeks and knew she had just lost the battle not to cry around him.
Why would it be a betrayal? Couldn't it as easily be a betrayal of my own heart. Would you choose to destroy me by rejecting me now that I'm caught in the web? Do you even question what I would say?, "You call it web, as if I have trapped you. I am trying very hard no to do so. I would leave with you, I would ride out of here before the dawn came. It might not be tonight, or even a fortnight later, but one day you will look at the lost of your honor and it would hurt you. I do not want to be that cause. You left me. In the woods, I would have left with you, but you left me. . . . Your honor would not let you come between the Prince and something he wanted. Do not let me be the cause that changes you. I love you, for you. For everything you are. I would not change anything about you." Even if in changing things, she could make it easier for them to be together she would not change him.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2010 10:10:53 GMT -5
Yes, of course, he always said the wrong thing at the wrong time. He had forgotten that it was usually best to stay silent. It was better to hide the fact that you were a fool than to openly display it. he listened to her closely, but he would not make the mistake of baring his feelings again. She had to know that she was the cause that he would live for, as well as Camelot. He would do that even if she was at Aurthur's side and not his.
She had no idea what her worth was to him, he realized. No matter how many different ways he chose to say it or show it, she simply would refuse to understand it. She did not understand what it was to be a knight, nor would she comprehend the things that he had been forced to do to make a living until he had become a knight elsewhere. If he was not a knight in Camelot he knew that he would just wander from kingdom to kingdom, offering his services. Why was she crying now .... just to put a another knife through his heart? Did she not know that he was already destroyed, since he had basically given her up for the sake of Arthur and therefore Camelot?
He remained silent now. Anything he said would only show that he was wounded, and its extent. Why would she say such a thing .... that she would go. What does she think I would become, a fallen angel. To become one of those you would have to be an angel, or a saint, and he was neither. The Prince and Camelot were what were the most important. Why couldn't she see that? "You love me. They say that our loves are the key to our destruction. It appears they are right. I will go," he says finally, simply, and defeatedly. "For all that you think , or was, I am nothing without you. All that remains is my duty and my honor. That is my fate. Yours will lie with him, or another, but not with me, apparently," he sighs.
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