Guilty Pleasures

[Guinevère]

"I don't wish to be anywhere else." Arthur told her, easing all her fears in this moment. Guinevère smiled and when he kissed her, her hand came up to cup his cheek, even though the kiss lasted but a single moment. "I love you." She reminded him, as he helped them both into bed, and began to move the covers over them. She curled up into his arms, finding it the best place to be in the world. Her back to his chest, they both just lie there while looking at their son a few inches from them.

"He's beautiful," She whispered, always loving how peaceful and innocent children looked sleeping. Taking Arthur's hand, she moved it to rest over her swollen belly, as the thought about their next child. "I pray every night, that he will get the chance to know his father. I want that for him. For you. He loved playing you, and I long to see it again one day." To hear them laugh together and play together, and for Amaren to be able to walk beside his father. For both her son's to be able to stand tall beside the man they looked up to--the man she loved.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Once they were both lying down, Arthur comfortably nestled close to her. Letting the warmth of her body comfort his entire being. He had longed for this moment every day and night that he was parted from her . . . and these past two months, had feared that he would never be able to experience that feeling again. But here they were, together. And he would gladly embrace the time they were able to be so. "He's beautiful." "He is," Arthur agreed whole heartedly as his eyes went to their sleeping son, and his hand to rest over their unborn but growing child. This was the life had always wanted . . . and while it was still within his grasp, it would only reflect perfection when he could marry Guinevère and be a proper, legal and public family.

She spoke of how she prayed every night that he would get to know his father . . . praying for him. For a future they could all share together. Arthur brushed his lips across her cheek before resting his chin on her shoulder. "I pray for the same thing," he admitted. Wanting that, yet hating all that worked against them. "When this is all over-- The war "-- Then I promise you, I will make up for lost time." But not before then. He couldn't. And while he wasn't trying to start a debate, he was assuring her that he did not wish to be absent from Amaren, Thomas, their unborn child and Guinevère's life. He would not however claim it all too soon, only to lose them. He had lost too much and he would not survive the loss of any of those within these quarters.

[Guinevère]

He agreed with her first two whispered words but it was his last ones that she thought over in her mind. "When this is all over . . . then I promise you, I will make up for lost time." She knew what he meant, and how he felt. Guinevère knew that everything was changing for them. He would mot marry her while it was not safe to do so, and she would be the mother of three children. Everyone would know, and she feared she could not face them. It was why she knew that until ti was safe, that she could not return to the city. She would stay at the country house he had given her.

It would offer her safety and comfort while being far enough that rumors did not often spread to and from the city. She could have her family there and not have to know what the court was saying about her children. "Then I shall pray for it to end quickly as well," She told him, knowing if it did not then she would watch their children grow older and it be harder for Arthur to become a major part of their youth. They all were growing up quickly, and time was slipping from them. It made her want to beg him to change his mind, and make them a family tonight.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"Then I shall pray for it to end quickly as well." Did this mean she was accepting it? That she would accept his reasoning to wait . . . that this wasn't something that they would have to debate about? He felt better, knowing that but at the same time, still hated that he was making her wait even longer. He would just rather have them all safe and alive . . . even if that meant that he could not be with him. Which, was slowly fading away as a possibility . . . yet still a strong one. The last time he had not thought everything through, Elena had died. She was a good woman, and her father was devastated from the loss. He would not let the same thing happen to Guinevère, or his children. "Thank you," he whispered. For her prayers, for waiting, for understanding, for . . . everything that he could possibly be thankful or. He was.

He tried to force away any dark thoughts, and just focus on them, on being together. "I can't believe he's going to be one so soon," he thought aloud, wanting Guinevère to know that even while he could not allow himself to create a bond that may endanger him . . . he had not forgotten certain things. Like Amaren's birthday. As he planned it so that he could come around that time. For he could have easily stayed another week, but made sure to have everything in order so that he could be here for a significant day in Amaren's life. Even if it was just physically, more than emotionally.

[Guinevère]

"Thank you," She didn't want to be thanked, she wanted her family whole. Though she knew she could not force this on him, and that she had no choice but to follow his request--it did not meant it hurt less. She hated that this might be all they had, and she was afraid, so very afraid of what might happen if she lost him. She wished there was some way to make him feel safer, but knew that until then--days, weeks, years--she would wait for him. Be strong for him.

"I can't believe he's going to be one so soon," That made her smile a bit, for their son never failed to bring a smile to her lips. "I know, it seems only yesterday I was seeing him crawl for the first time." And now he was walking and his personality was starting to come though. It was more then just seeing and laughing. There were quarks and edges that made him who he was in this moment. She liked seeing them, and learning them. "He likes to get in trouble," She told Arthur about his son. "Little things he finds funny." He laughed often, and she was proud of that.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"I know, it seems only yesterday I was seeing him crawl for the first time." That was so very true. It felt like only a short while ago that he had held his son in his arms for the first time -- shortly after obtaining the knowledge that he had a son. "He likes to get in trouble." This made Arthur smile, as did her next words about how he found small things funny. "Sounds like he inherited his mother's joy for life," he said. It was a quality that he'd always admired about Guinevère. Her constant optimism and positivity; her unwavering faith in everyone; the hope she held in life. He loved that about her, and there had been so many times that he'd relied on her council in such things . . .relied on her support. For no one had ever known him the way she had; he had never let anyone know him but with her, he wanted nothing more than to open up to her.

To tell her what thoughts were in his mind when it was otherwise discouraged to do so. And what emotions were in his heart when it was otherwise seen as weakness. "Getting in trouble . . . lets say he inherited that from me," Arthur teased, knowing that it was more likely to come from him than from her. After all, when he was younger, he enjoyed what few moments of fun he could have. They were seldom, but that was what made him appreciate them all the more. He was only glad that Amaren could be a child for as long as the years permitted him too, before he was forced to grow up. And not grow up too quickly. "Do you have anything planned for his birthday?" Arthur asked, wondering if the knights were doing something, or if was going to be something more small scale and intimate, involving just her, Amaren and Thomas, maybe even Elyan.

[Guinevère]

"Sounds like he inherited his mother's joy for life," Is that were Arthur thought hr got it from. Guinevère looked at her son and hoped that was true. That Amaren would have a joy for life, no matter whom he got it from. Arthur always saw the best in her, and she was grateful for that. Love truly blinded him to her many faults. Yet she knew they did to her as well, for she could not name anything she would change. While she wished he did things differently, she would change nothing about whom he was for she loved the complete man, not the different parts of him.

"Getting in trouble . . . lets say he inherited that from me," Guinevère laughed softly at that idea, "And Thomas learned it from you I assume?" She teased, "For they one tends to find trouble and the other encourages. I have never seen an eight year old and a one year old so together in their planning."

"Do you have anything planned for his birthday?" She thought over that for a moment, "Will you be here for that day?" She asked, trying to work out a plan in her mind. Trying to see how everything would work out for them.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"And Thomas learned it from you I assume?" Arthur smiled innocently at that. He was just glad that Thomas was enjoying his childhood, his youth. But at the same time, being mature in his behavior. That was something he had always wanted for his children; to not have to grow up too quickly. He knew why he did, and he was always grateful to his father for the guidance he had given him . . . but when asked what he did for fun as a child, he had no answer. For it was filled with academics and training. "Probably," he said innocently. "Or perhaps you can blame your brother for that," he teased. While he would always feel remorseful for Thomas that he had no father in his life . . . he would take the role of step father, and hope he could be as close to one as any replacement could be. As he had told Thomas the night before he left . . . he would never be able to take Lancelot's place, but he would be proud to call Thomas his son.

"Its no wonder you have to chase after them both," he said, smiling at the thought of how well they got along. "All the more reason they may need a sister. To help calm them." His hand subconsciously moved over her belly, loving their ability to talk so casually of a child . . . that they had the opportunity to do so. "Will you be here for that day?" A valid question and a fact that he should have made clear earlier. "I will," he assured her. Unless of course there was an emergency that called him out of the kingdom. He left the day after Amaren's birthday. But did not wish to say so right now for he didn't want to focus on when their time together would end. "I couldn't possibly miss my son's first birthday," he added lightly.

[Guinevère]

She could blame Elyan, she could say he was encouraging to their troublesome side for he too got into his fair share. She could blame Gwaine, and Percival as well. Though Arthur was the reason these wonderful men were here. So either way, the fault still rested with him. Though she was more thinking about their son's birthday instead of who to blame for his behavior in this moment.

"Then I think we shall spend it in these rooms. Just us." As a family. She could plan to evening for just them, and not do anything public. If Elyan stopped by, then it might be a bit awkward for her part--her brother being in the room with her lover and their children--but she knew Elyan loved his nephews and he loved his king. Surely they could tempt even him to join in the joy of the night. "We could have a meal, and spend it with just you, and me, with the boys. Be a family for a few hours?" She hoped he would agree but she was a bit uncertain as to what he would allow himself to have, while he feared Odin was out there.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"Then I think we shall spend it in these rooms. Just us." Just the four of them. Well, five since the child in her womb could not be discounted. "We could have a meal, and spend it with just you, and me, with the boys. Be a family for a few hours?" He knew that she was a bit uncertain as to whether he could accept this idea, considering how he needed to maintain a distance. "I'd like that," he said softly. While he could not act like a father to Amaren right now, he wanted to at least see him on the first anniversary of his birth. And that he would have to come under the role of Thomas' godfather, rather than Amaren's father. "When I return, I will teach Amaren how to say Papa," he began to say, longing to hear his son utter that word.

But his desires had caused so much damage; he needed to be wiser and stronger. He was also subtly hinting at Guinevère, to not use that term in front of Amaren on his birthday. Even if it was just the four of them, and even if Thomas wasn't there. "But until then, I can only be Thomas' godfather." Something that was publicly acknowledged. He knew that she had said she would wait until then, but he needed to just be certain. Though at the same time, did not wish to dwell on the subject. "Is the medicine helping? Can I get you anything else?" He offered, kissing her cheek again as the worry of her health was strong in his mind.

[Guinevère]

"I'd like that," Good! Then she would make sure it happened! "I will prepare everything for it then," So that Arthur would only have to find the time to come. She turned her head to look back behind her and up toward his face. "What time shall we expect you? I can make it a late supper, give them a larger snack in the afternoon, so they will not be hungry until later. Thomas seeks any reason to be up past the bed time hour." He would enjoy this.

"When I return, I will teach Amaren how to say Papa," Guinevère knew what he was asking, and she turned her head to look back at their son. "But until then, I can only be Thomas' godfather." Once they had been of different minds, yet now they fought for different things. She could only pray that it would soon! So that Amaren only ever knew Arthur as father, rather then king.

"Is the medicine helping? Can I get you anything else?" "Just lying here in your arms is helping." She admitted to him. Reaching for his hand she pulled it from her belly to lifted it and kiss his palm. "With everything." Her illness and her fears. Taking his hand, she reached it out to let them both brush Amaren's hair back from his face. Then she pulled her own back, leaving Arthur's there.

[Arthur Pendragon]

He paused in thought for a moment, thinking of what time he would be able to come . . . as everything was so unpredictable and uncertain right now. "I will try to come an hour after sundown." Not too late, but not early enough to have other people wonder . . . though, he knew he could easily use the excuse -- which was not a total lie -- that he would be spending that time with his godson. In fact, he would probably have to tell them that anyway, in case he was needed somewhere. The only ones who may pick up on something, were those who knew that Amaren was Guinevère's true son. Which brought forth another concern to Arthur, something that he wanted to do if she wished him to. Another reason he felt guilty for leaving all this on her shoulders. "Do you want me to talk to Elyan?" He had brought him the note, so could only guess what was going through her brother's mind.

While he knew he could no longer say he had any honor, he had immense respect for both Elyan and of course Guinevère. And wanted to take responsibility for his actions. Even if he could not physically acknowledge Amaren as his son, he was his son. In his heart, by blood . . . bonded in an unbreakable way. He was at least relieved to hear that she was feeling better, and it made him wish all the more that tonight was not such a rarity. That he could be with her like this every single night. He deeply inhaled when she kissed his palm, and then moved his hand to rest over Amaren's head . . . moving hers and leaving his there. Where he kept it on his son's forehead, continuing her actions of gently brushing his son's hair back. "Holding you, is helping me just as much," he admitted. Though it was not physical sickness he was experiencing . . . he had felt broken until he was able to hold her and kiss her again. Which was how it seemed to be these past few years. Enduring a dark world until he could be with her and light was brought to it.

[Guinevère]

"I will try to come an hour after sundown." So early! "That would be perfect, we will be waiting for you . . . with apple pie for his birthday." They would have to make sure it was in VERY small bites but they could feed it too him, but Amaren could eat adult foods. He even tried to use a fork sometimes but he mostly enjoyed throwing that. Or stabbing the table. "Do you want me to talk to Elyan?" "No," She told him, "Or if you wish too, then you should, but I think Elyan know everything. He knows about the baby, and Amaren. . . . . I think he has known for a while."

"Holding you, is helping me just as much," Her heart beat faster at his words, and her fingers lifted to moved down his extended arm and then back up it again. Slowly and lightly just touching the out side of his arm. This was her family, and it was only missing her eldest son. Arthur was her support, even when he was so far away. "Can you stay for breakfast?" She asked, "If we eat early? I can wake Thomas and the four of us can sit and just . . . . just be together before the kingdom knows you have returned to them."

"I know that is selfish of me, but I do not wish to let you go for a while longer."

[Arthur Pendragon]

"That would be perfect, we will be waiting for you . . . with apple pie for his birthday." Apple pie. She had not forgotten then. He would have to see how much his son liked that. "We'll find out if he's inherited his like for it from me then," he told her . . . wondering what sorts of foods Amaren did eat. She went on to say that he didn't need to speak to Elyan . . . but that he knew everything. "I feel I should," Arthur admitted. Because if this war claimed his life, he didn't want anything to be left unsaid. Nor did he want Elyan to withhold any judgment from Arthur just because he was king. He knew that he had dishonored his sister, and wanted Elyan to be open about speaking to him about it. "I do not want you to have to go through this alone." Through any judgment or explanation that she may owe her brother or others. "And I feel I owe him an explanation," he added. As to why he had dishonored his family . . . for Arthur would not deny that.

All he could do was defend his love for Guinevère, though knew he could never gain -- nor would ask -- for forgiveness. Too much damage was done. He was thankful for her distracting question, inquiring as to whether he could stay for breakfast, claiming it was selfish. "Not as selfish as me wanting to stay here and not go back out there." Out of her quarters, into the hallway and ultimately . . . back out to war. He would much rather stay here, laying next to her, holding. The thought made him move his hand from his son's head and gently caress her cheek. "I would love to stay for breakfast," he told her, wanting her to know that he intended to stay here for the night. "All I could think about these past months was seeing you. I want to stay with you for as long as I can." She had been his near first stop since returning to the castle . . . and he didn't plan to just come for an hour and then leave. He needed the strength she always gave him to return to Gawant to fight the ongoing battle against Odin. "So expect me to stay until morning, and then to hold you tomorrow night, and the night after," he whispered, raising his head over her a bit so that he could lightly kiss her lips.

[Guinevère]

"We'll find out if he's inherited his like for it from me then," She smiled, and then laughed softly at the idea, "I see much of his father in him, I think he will love the pie, even if we only give him the softened backed apples inside." She might give him a taste of the crust if it was soft enough from the baking. "I feel I should," Elyan. "Then you should. Elyan is a good man, he will know we are in love, and will not forget that while you two speak." Looking at Amaren she added, "He seemed very protective of his nephews." And of her, and that had made her feel loved by her brother, though she hated the worry she gave him.

"So expect me to stay until morning, and then to hold you tomorrow night, and the night after," For so long! "Really?" She whispered with glee, "You are here so long?" Days! She wasn't sure how long he would be staying, and was grateful they would have more then just a night or two. Three it seemed from his words. Three nights with the man she loved before he went to join his men and rode out to war. Three days might not have been long to others, but she missed him so much that she thought three days was like shade on a hot day. "You will come to me every night?"

[Arthur Pendragon]

He smiled at her words. She knew Amaren better than he did, so to hear that she saw much of him in their son . . . gave him that pride and honor that only a father could ever feel. And made him wish that he could have been here to witness with her, and to see what parts of his mother he had in him. As well as make him pray, that fate would be kind to them and that they would find a future, together. After all this darkness passed. "Good. It is his birthday after all," Arthur said on a bit of a lighter note. His birthday. His son's first birthday. She spoke of speaking to Elyan, and Arthur knew that it was something he should probably do . . . something that he needed to do. For he owed Elyan a decent explanation of his actions. But to hear Guinevère assure him that her brother knew that they were in love, was a relief. For he didn't want the knight thinking that the king was taking advantage of his sister . . . just because he was king, and thus, just because he could.

"That's why I asked him and the other knights to stay behind," Arthur told her. "To protect you and the children." Because there were no men above them -- and Merlin -- that he trusted more with such an immense and important task. He hated leaving her behind, and felt much more comfortable leaving her in the care of men that he could easily call brothers. "Really? You are here so long?" What seemed long now, he knew would pass as quickly as the blink of an eye. But he would value each and every second he could spend with her. "You will come to me every night?" He could think of no where else he'd rather be. Certainly not in his own chambers alone. "I will," he assured her. So long as no pressing matter of state demanded his attention. "If you will permit me of course," he added, more as a light tease than anything else.

[Guinevère]

"Good. It is his birthday after all," Guinevère had never felt more excited then, because they would be spending the time together as a family! She knew that there would be no way she could stop smiling on that night, and the only way it could be better would be if Arthur allowed Amaren to know him as Papa--and Arthur was home for good. "That's why I asked him and the other knights to stay behind," She wished he's taken them with him. "To protect you and the children." At least one of them. Soon she would put her foot down, and try to make him take one of the others with him. While the other knights were good, these were Arthur's men. His most trusted friends and brothers.

"I will," Guinevère made a note to ask Rosa to stay on that last night, so instead she could seek Arthur out in his chambers instead. Find a way to make it special, perhaps a light meal or something. "If you will permit me of course," She laughed softly, "Permit a man into my chambers at night? What sort of woman do you think I am?" She teased, but she knew the answer--while Arthur would not think it, Guinevère knew how low her morals had come since their first night. "Perhaps I shall make you convince me." Though she knew it would take as little as a smile or kiss before she begged him to stay with her.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"Permit a man into my chambers at night? What sort of woman do you think I am?" Arthur softly smiled at her words. While he knew they were spoken in jest . . . that unwavering guilt he felt for how he treated her, and what his actions had cost Elena, weighed his conscience. He knew Guinevère felt guilty for what she had done to Elena, and Arthur wished with all his heart that he could lift that guilt from her, for it was not her fault. He had been the one that had sought her out, again and again. He had been the one who had spoken words to commit himself to another. And betrayed them, though he could never regret the relationship that they had reformed. He only knew that it was he who had betrayed his wife . . . and Guinevère had never betrayed her husband when he was alive. But he did not wish to speak of such heavy and intense things.

He wanted to ease her mind, for he was not here to express his guilt and remorse for his poor treatment of her, and what he forced her to give up. "One whom the king loves dearly," he answered sincerely in response to her question . . . even if it was meant to be a rhetorical one. "Perhaps I shall make you convince me." His smile came with more ease at these words. "That sounds like a challenge," he teased. "One that I will gladly accept." With that, he put his hand on her chin to turn her head toward him so that he could lightly kiss her. Obviously, things were not going to go further than that with their child just a few inches away. But there was no harm in a soft kiss. After all, he'd been deprived of her for so long, and wished to express his love for her as much as he could in these days.

[Guinevère]

"One whom the king loves dearly," The king. While most saw him as a king, Guinevère saw him as the man. She loved the man, and knew that the man and the king were two different people and the same person all in one moment. For he had personal desires as the man, and expectations on himself as the king, and he lived the balance of them both.

"That sounds like a challenge, one that I will gladly accept." She smiled, though his kiss eased it for the moment, letting her thoughts leave her and only thinking of his lips on her own. It had been a while since Arthur had the need to woo a girl, for he was married and then she had been no challenge. "In truth there is no need, and there never will be. Come as you are, Arthur, for it will be how you are most welcomed." She didn't want gifts or awkward poems, she only wanted Arthur and the solid comfort and strengths that she felt from him just being in the room.

[Arthur Pendragon]

He knew she had been teasing, but still. Such words never failed to bring a genuine smile to his lips. For it was only with her, that he didn't have to pretend. That he didn't have to constantly be strong and hold everything in. That he didn't have to feel so alone. She had seen him in his worst moments, in the depths of despair, and she had always managed to bring him out of them. In a way that no one else had been capable of doing . . . not even his own wife. And she did it so easily . . . whether she knew it or not. "I've never come to you as anyone but myself," he admitted to her, though he had a feeling that she already knew that. That her love for him had never been for the crown or wealth or power. Just as her lack of noble blood had not diminished his feelings for her.

"And I do not plan to ever change that." It was why it was so easy to be with her. It felt so right, even when he was betraying another woman. It felt right, yet he knew it had been wrong. And still would not take back a moment of their time together. He regret whatever hurt it had caused, but his greatest regret was his wedding day. He doubted he would ever stop lamenting the past, even while working toward a stronger future. "Nor is there anyone else I can be such with." Not even Merlin, not in the same way for he still had to display the strength of a leader, and suppress his emotions. With her, he never had to fear judgment for having weaker moments. And he wanted her to know that she was the only one that he felt he could be his complete self with, and not fear to speak what was in his heart.