Guilty Pleasures

[Guinevère]

She liked that he felt he could be himself around her, when before he had only spoken of duty. She thought back to the conversation Arthur and her had on the night they began this. On the night he had walked her to her chambers and she'd become a watering pot of emotion. On that night he had spoken of duty, and doing what was needed to be a strong king, rather then following his heart. He had held back from his friends, and welcomed no one to be close to him.

Now he seemed different. She hoped happier. Arthur smiled more, and laughed more. He seemed easier around Merlin, she thought, though she wondered if she was reading what she wanted to there. She knew that with the good came the dark, for he felt he had more to loose, and held it close to him--but she wanted him to feel he had more to live for as well.

"I keep thinking of our first visit to Eldor de Bors, and how we played and teased and just laughed from the moment we arrived." Until he had to leave. They had been happy there, so carefree and full of joy--even though they were living a lie. A stolen life. "I often wonder if that who we really are, when the darkness is at bay." The sort who could just laugh and enjoy life. "I want that again, Arthur. When you return to me, and this war is over . . . . I want to make you happy, and I want to be happy with you." No more running. Nothing else could happen! Every time something happened. She wanted nothing else to come between them. "It seems that house holds some of fondest memories, and I cannot thank you enough for the gift." He had given it to Thomas, and her son had a home of his own. That meant allot to her, for she had feared for Thomas future before Arthur joined their lives.

[Arthur Pendragon]

He thought back to that visit to the estate . . . when they had just allowed themselves to escape from the world and all the barriers it held. Something that they always did whenever they were together. All those moments were ones that he cherished, that trip included. He couldn't remember the last time he had laughed so much . . . for such memories often held her in them, knowing it was no coincidence. She just brought out a joy in him that no one else could. "I am not sure if that is who I am," he admitted, knowing that he wasn't like that when he was apart from her. And even their past few conversations had been filled with more intensity due to their surrounding circumstances. "But it is who I want to be." Someone who could just enjoy life. Had he not been able to see the way she laughed, the joy she always had . . . he would have wanted the same for her. But no. Guinevère always had that happiness radiating from her, more often her children drawing it out of her. "And someone I can only be when I am with you." If -- when -- they got married, then he knew he could become that person.

Someone who was closer to whom she deserved . . . someone who did not fill her life with darkness and stress; fear and danger. "You make me happy Guinevère, more than anyone else has or ever will be able to." He never wanted her to doubt that. "I only wish to return the favor. For you deserve far better than this." Than being someone he had to sneak to see . . . being someone who was left with all the responsibility of raising a child, along with another. Someone who was put in danger, or whose own children were put in danger because of who he was. And then she was thanking. This was one of the many reasons he loved her so much; because she never saw the bad. She would never tell him of all his wrong doings. But instead, express words of gratitude that he did not deserve. "You have given me things far more precious, so I thank you too." More precious than an estate. For she had given him her love and in return, two children . . . though it was all connected to the first. And that gift, was the most precious possession in all this world.

[Guinevère]

"I am not sure if that is who I am," Guinevère thought it was, but knew he could not embrace it until he believed it. "But it is who I want to be." Good, then she would help him feel that way, starting with today! She would make him happy, and give him memories of his son and of them as a whole family. Together! "And someone I can only be when I am with you." "As I with you." She felt more whole and complete with Arthur near, and the darkness of the world seemed to be held at bay.

"You make me happy Guinevère, more than anyone else has or ever will be able to." She knew that her pregnancy made her emotions more near the surface, but knowing it and stopping the few small tears that fell because of it were another. "I only wish to return the favor. For you deserve far better than this." "No!" She told him, but he continued. "You have given me things far more precious, so I thank you too." "Arthur, you are far more then I deserve," She told him, "Please never think you are not. I love you, and am lucky enough that you love me in return."

Glancing at their son, she then looked back at Arthur, "Come, the unease as past and if we want time to spend as family, then I should dress and began readying for the day." So she could have time to get food for breakfast in her chambers and awaken the boys.

[Arthur Pendragon]

"Arthur, you are far more then I deserve." Her words completely conflicted with his thoughts, and he could not believe them. And wished she did not believe them either. "Don't say that," he said softly, but knew that no amount of debate would alter her mind. Just as he believed the best of her, she believed the best of him. He supposed that was the way it was . . . when two people truly loved each other. All the more reason he felt himself undeserving of such affection and faith from her . . . but would not use this limited time to argue about it. Yet hearing her deem herself as lucky . . . no. It was not lucky. For surely, no one would want the life he had offered her, or well, hadn't offered her. Left her in such a state, left her so many times in the past.

He knew it was selfish of him to ask her to wait long, but should he survive this war, then he would spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to her. He may never be successful in doing so, but he would not stop trying. "You should get some sleep first," he urged her. He glanced at Amaren, who seemed to be in a deep slumber. He had after all woken her in the middle of the night when she needed as much rest as she could get. "Just an hour or so." To let the medicine properly do its work. And to make sure she did so, he kept his arms around her, holding her close to him to encourage her to close her eyes and an additional hour or so of necessary rest.

[Guinevère]

He could ask her not to say it, but it would not stop her from thinking it. Arthur was a good man, and he could have any woman he wanted. Guinevère was never quite sure what had made her so special to him, but every day she was grateful for it.

Arthur spoke of wanting her to sleep for an hour, but she knew she could not. Guinevère feared missing a single moment with him, and sleep would steal them from her. "I cannot sleep when you have just been returned to me. Please, I promise to sleep today, so that we can have tonight." For she knew these were the moments they would have together. The kingdom and his men had him when the sun was bright and awake, but at night when the stars came out and filled the dark world with a soft glow, Arthur was her's.

His arm was holding her to the bed, so she did not even try to arise, but she was not going to sleep while he was so near, and she only had a few days with him. "Thomas has missed you, and I want to give him some time with you too. I will not use the word Papa, but Amaren should at least get some time with his father--even if only for his father's sake."

"I want you to have these memories, so you take hope with you to war."

[Arthur Pendragon]

He could understand that . . . for it was not as if he didn't want to be in her company. He just wanted to make sure she was well, so with her promise that she would rest during the day . . . he found no reason to discourage her from not resting now. She spoke of Thomas missing him, as he had missed the boy as well. His son of heart. Their last conversation had been on his mind a great deal . . . the way Thomas was slowly starting to regard him as family, even if he may not understand the relationship Arthur had with Guinevère. "You have already given me memories to carry with me," he said softly, speaking of the intimate time they shared. "And I look forward to many more," he added more generally, this time referring to moments like with, and then ones with the children that were soon to come.

"I would like to spend this morning with you then. And will hold you to your promise," he said with both teasing and truth. He slowly shifted his position, sitting on the edge for a moment as his eyes searched for his shirt that he had tossed carelessly to the side, having been caught in the moment as he always was when he was with her. "How much longer until Thomas awakes?" Arthur asked, more out of curiosity than anything else. Just as he wanted to know his son of blood's routine, he wanted to know his son of heart's routine as well.

[Guinevère]

"You have already given me memories to carry with me," Good, but she wasn't going to end with just a few. Guinevère wanted him to have many! "I would like to spend this morning with you then. And will hold you to your promise," She laughed softly, "If you find me after the noon hour, it will be in our bed, napping with our son. For I make him rest for a while then, and I shall join him today." If she could, she would even get Thomas to lie down, but most days he was too active to think of stopping for a moment.

"How much longer until Thomas awakes?" Guinevère put her legs over the edge of the bed, and then stood. As Arthur was looking for his shirt, she picked it up and walked over to stand between his knees, setting the shirt on the bed. While she answered his question, her hands moved to his shoulders, and up his neck to then tangle and brush down his hair. Trying to give him a less bed ridden look.

"Not for a while, but I will wake him so he can spend time with you before you have to leave to rule your kingdom." She explained, "On normal days he will sleep for a bit longer, then we breakfast and he joins the others for training, and then he has lessons. He will play with his friends for a while and then we supper and spend the rest of the day together." The three of them.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur had to admit that he was relieved to hear that she would be taking a nap during the day. Especially since he had disrupted her sleep and she needed as much rest as she could get, with raising two children and with a third growing in her womb. It just made him wish even more that he could be here to help her; to care for her. He watched as she stood between him, her hands running through his hair to help settle it, finding it a rather soothing touch. Then again, anything she did something so nurturing, he found it soothing and comforting. "Sounds like you all are very busy," he teased. He gently took her hands in his, and pulled them forward, behind him so that she could either rest her hands on the bed or wrap them around his waist for balance.

Either way, the objective of his action was so that she was closer to him, her body pressed against his and their faces just inches apart. "Maybe I should be asking if you have time for me," he said in the same teasing tone, before closing the distance and lightly kissing her. It was short, but filled with emotion . . . for he had not seen her in so long and every kiss was powerful and served as a strong reminder of why everything was worth fighting for, and what would be waiting for him when he returned. "I love you," he whispered, knowing he had said that many times tonight . . . but it didn't matter. For he felt he could not say it enough, and never wanted her to forget it. Or feel that he had done an inadequate job of saying or expressing it.

[Guinevère]

He teased her about having time for her, and Guinevère found herself smiling at the foolish idea that she would ever not have time for him. "I am sure we can fit you in." Everywhere. She would move rivers and mountains if it meant Arthur could spend a few hours with her sons and her. She knew they both loved him, and missed him. Thomas might have once saw Arthur as a king and knight, but now he saw him as a man and one to look up too.

While Guinevère wished that Thomas had Lancelot in his life, she knew it would change nothing in how she felt about Arthur, and how she wished to be with him. Yet with her once husband gone from their lives, she would teach Thomas to honor his father's memory and Arthur could teach him to be the man that would honor them all.

Amaren was young enough that he would know what it was to grow up with a father in his life. Guinevère longed for the day when Arthur could call him his son, and hold him high and proud. She wanted that for Amaren and for Arthur. "And I love you." More then any before him, and there would be none after him. "You're my best friend." She told him, knowing that he was.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur smiled at her returning tease about fitting him in. He would make sure he spent as much time as he could with her and the children. While his heart still ached for Elena's death -- as well as the guilt knowing it was completely his fault -- it also showed how short and unpredictable life was. Elena's death was devastating, and he knew a part of him would always mourn for her. At the same time . . . had he lost Guinevère, that was not something he would ever recover from. He had come close to losing her several times, but he knew that if he did . . . it was not something his mind could even dare imagine. He wanted to be with her. He wanted to spend a life with her. And protect her from all the dangers, though knew that it was a bit of a contradiction for being with him wold only -- and had only -- placed her life in danger.

"You're my best friend." The words slightly surprised him, for he had never thought of things in that way. Yet knew, that he felt the same. That before he had gotten married, she was always the one he'd gone to when he was upset about something, when he was too afraid to cry in front of someone else, or when he was happy and had exciting news to share with her . . . or just, when he didn't want to be alone. Which, after falling in love with her, the latter was a feeling he almost always had. When wishing to hide from the world, he would never want to hide from her. When the pressures became too great, he wanted to be with her . . . because only with her could he truly be himself. And never be afraid to express what was in his heart, whether it was tears or joy. "As you are mine Guinevère," he said softly. They had not been together many years after his marriage, but his feelings for her had never faded. Which was why it had hurt so much. He leaned forward to lightly kiss her again, feeling the honor in her words, and also feeling so extremely lucky that he was the one she had grown to love and consider her best friend.

[Guinevère]

Guinevère smiled at his words, feeling pride and honor in them, for a man like Arthur to claim her as his best anything was an honor, and being a friend made it all the more special. He kissed her and Guinevère raised her hands up to frame his cheeks while letting it linger. She loved him so much and nothing had turned out how she thought it might. She had expected to be a servant and watch him marry another and that was how it always would be.

She had once even dreamed that they could wait for one another and wed in bliss. Yet instead here they were, both windows of sorts and clinging to any hope they could find while in this time of war and darkness. Breaking the kiss her kept her face close to him, wishing he wasn't a king, but a baker and never had to leave. Never seen war. Yet he would not be the man she loved if he was a baker. "I should wake Thomas." She whispered.

[Arthur Pendragon]

He gave a slight smile when she said that she should wake up Thomas. "You should," he agreed, leaning forward to kiss her again, clearly not wanting to break this moment. Yet, was so very eager to see Thomas and Amaren after so long. After letting the kiss linger for a few moments, he slightly pulled away, his lips rather close to hers. "Best do it before I pull you back in bed," he said, only partly joking. He wished that things were different. So very different. He wished that he had never married Elena, for she would still be alive right now. She would not have suffered because of Arthur's previous actions, and Godwyn would not have to grief for the loss of his only child. He knew that he could either dwell in the past, or move forward.

While he would never forgive himself nor cease mourning for Elena . . . he had a family he needed to focus on. Guinevère, Amaren, Thomas . . . and the child that would soon be brought into this world. After this war, he hoped to give them all the stability they needed. Protect them in ways that he had failed doing before. He knew it was utterly selfish of him, for they were safer without having any ties to him . . . but he could not live a life separate from them. Guinevère and the children were his heart; his pride and joy. They meant the world to him and he could not even try to pretend otherwise.

[Guinevère]

She smiled brightly at his pretend threat, thought she wished they had all the time in the world and she could beg him to pull her back to their warm little escape. "Then I perhaps instead, you should surprise him, and so wake him?" She offered, knowing Thomas would be ecstatic at the idea of finding Arthur there. The relationship between the two had truly come such a long way.

Thomas no longer saw just a hero and king, and Arthur now embraced Thomas fully as his son. She knew that Thomas would never forget his father, and that she and the other would help him honor Lancelot in his own way as he grew up. Yet she also knew that ever child deserved to have that father figure in their lives and she loved that Arthur was strong enough to be that role to Thomas. She would have asked it of no one else. "I can just see his shocked little face now! Go wake him."
With another just kiss, she moved away to let him, for it would be more of a surprise.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur smiled at the offer of waking Thomas. His mind briefly went to the time that her son had saw him and Guinevère in an intimate embrace, kissing in his tent. And wondered if he was still confused about it. Guinevère had mentioned nothing regarding that, so he hoped that the burden of the secret they had asked Thomas to keep was not weighing heavily on his shoulders. When Guinevère stepped away, Arthur rose to his feet and made sure he was properly dressed -- presentable so that it did not look like he was coming from Guinevère's bed. He looked at their sleeping son, leaning down to kiss him on the forehead and just locking his gaze on the precious gift she had given him. One day . . . they would be a family. Turning to Guinevère once more he softly smiled and gave her another kiss before going to Thomas' room.

He slowly creaked open the door, poking his head in first before fully entering. Thomas was sleeping peacefully and Arthur moved to the side of his bed, sitting on the edge of it. Thomas looked like he had gotten bigger and Arthur only wished he was here to be able to witness his growth, as well as Amaren's. He knew he had missed much, and would miss a great deal more . . . which was why moments such as these were so precious to him. Gently putting a hand on the boy's shoulder, Arthur spoke in a low voice, wondering how light or deep of a sleeper Thomas was. "Thomas?" He asked, ensuring his tone was not too loud but a little above a whisper.

[Guinevère]

Guinevère's heart swelled with watching Arthur kiss his son. it made her long to see him hold and embrace Amaren as his in truth. When Arthur went to wake Thomas, Guinevère moved to look down at Amaren. "Soon," She promised him. The lie she now lived was of her own making, for she had not allowed Arthur to claim his son with she could have let him.

Amaren deserved to know his father, and Arthur deserved to hold his son high. Lifting the sleeping child in her arms, Guinevère followed Arthur out to the main rooms of her chambers. She could see in Thomas' room as Arthur spoke to him, and slowly Thomas' eyes begin to open. They closes again at first but then opened quickly again. He said nothing for a moment, as if confused but then he pushed to sit up and looked wide eyed at Arthur. "Are you back!!" He asked loudly, jumping up to stand on the bed. "Mama! Mama! Look who's back!" Thomas jumped a few times then jumped at Arthur to hug him. "Are you here to stay?!" He asked hopefully, and Guinevère wished the answer was yes.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur couldn't help but smile and give a slight chuckle at the boy's excitement. Though he was not Thomas' father by blood -- nor could he ever truly replace Thomas' father -- the joy and pride Arthur felt in this moment, was that of a man who regarded the boy as his son of heart. A sort of joy that he'd been deprived of for years before Guinevère had re-entered his life. Though in a way, she had never left. Arthur put his arms around Thomas when he jumped at him for a hug. He lifted him off the bed, holding on to him. "I'm just here for a little while," he told him, wishing that he could say that he was back for good . . . but knew his time would be very limited. Even more so with how much time he could spend with them. Not wanting to let it linger on the disappointing answer, Arthur moved on from it.

Looking at Thomas and still holding him in his arms, Arthur gave a teasing sound of strain, pretending that he couldn't handle the weight of the boy. "You're getting too heavy for me," he said teasingly, exaggerating the strain of course as he slowly put Thomas down. He was getting older and therefore, would most likely be moving past that stage of being held. "And I think you've gotten a lot taller since I last saw you too," he said with a bit of surprise, teasingly putting his hand on Thomas' head and moving his hand forward to see how far up he came on Arthur.

[Guinevère]

"I'm just here for a little while," Guinevère saw Thomas' face fall a little, but when Arthur begin teasing him the expression of joy took back over, and made her wish that this was a normal morning and Arthur was only returning from a short trip rather then a war that could claim his life.

"You're getting too heavy for me," Thomas laughed as Arthur sat him down and pretended to judge his height. "Cause you were gone a long time!" Thomas stretched his neck some to appear taller. "And I think you've gotten a lot taller since I last saw you too," "I did get taller! Mama says I might not be as tall as Sir Percival but that I will be taller then most the other boys! . . . she called me a weed!" Guinevère laughed silently at Thomas telling on her for saying he grew as fast as the weeds in the gardens. "I think I only compared you to one," She teased her son as she looked up at Arthur with eye so full of excitement and joy she would have thought it was his birthday, and Arthur the gift.

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur continued to smile when Thomas spoke of how he did get taller and was compared to a weed in that regard. Despite all the horrors of what was witnessed in a war, and the mourning of Elena . . . it was not so difficult to smile in Thomas, Guinevère and Amaren's presence. To genuinely smile. Because they helped remind him of what joys could be found in life rather than just what horrors. "Better be referred to a weed than a flower," Arthur said teasingly, knowing that no boy or man would ever like to be called a flower. "And don't worry Thomas. I don't think anyone is as tall as Percival." No man that Arthur had seen anyway.

"If your mother permits you to, why don't you come down to the training field with me. I'm going to see how the men's training has gone. And then I'll see how your training has progressed as well," Arthur told him, wanting to make some one on one time for Thomas. Even if it was just playful sparring for half an hour or so. He wasn't sure the next time he would see him, and with Amaren napping right now, it would be the perfect opportunity. But not knowing Thomas' schedule, it would of course be dependent on whether Guinevère would allow it, for Arthur still did not wish to do anything regarding Thomas without Guinevère's consent. And this was not something they had previously discussed.

[Guinevère]

When Arthur told Thomas that he could join if if Guinevère permitted it, she smiled and before Thomas could spin around to look at her she spoke, "You best dress then." Making Thomas spin again to look up at Arthur. "I will hurry!" He promised, before running to the wardrobe and flinging the doors opened.

Guinevère hoped that when they were a family in truth that Arthur would no longer feel the need to ask her for simple things like taking Thomas to the training fields. She wanted him to feel comfortable with the children to just be able to take them, or tell her where they would be today. Perhaps with time he would feel more like a father. For some reason, his words from almost a year ago came back to her. He had claimed that naming Amaren their name was the only way she had made him feel like a father. In some ways, she had been trying to make up for that ever since.

While Thomas dressed, Arthur joined her in the main room, allowing them to have a moment alone. "I think you have made his whole week by coming home for a few days." She admitted, knowing he had made her's as well. "As promised, I think I will try to rest today . . . . so that tonight we can have some time together." She looked at his face for a moment, trying to tell if he was getting enough rest. "If you are not tired."

[Arthur Pendragon]

Arthur walked out of the room with Guinevère to give Thomas the privacy to get dressed so that they could head down. He gave a small smile when she said that he had made his whole by being here. "Well him, Amaren and yourself give me the strength I need," he told her, wanting her to know that. It would be difficult to leave her, but the reminder of what aspects of his life held happiness, and what was waiting for him upon his return . . . gave him the strongest incentive imaginable. He felt assured when she promised to get some rest today, knowing it would put his mind at ease some if he knew she was getting as much rest as possible. And of course, the suggestion of tonight was one that he was never willing to pass by.

"Trust me, I will not be tired," he told her confidently. He was not going to waste what time he was here for, sleeping. Especially when with her and/or the children. "I'll come tonight, as soon as I am able." Whenever he knew his attention would not be needed by the council or anyone for the rest of the night. When he could be sure he would not be sought out -- though he would have to most probably tell Merlin where he was, just in case there was an emergency. Glancing at the door to Thomas' room to make sure he was not coming out, Arthur stepped closer to Guinevère. "So rest as much as you can today," he said in a low voice, only able to be heard with how near to her he was standing. Leaning forward, he lightly kissed her lips before pulling away, since he knew they could not risk Thomas walking in on them a second time.