Recent Posts

When it came to consolation, Gwaine most likely would not be the best choice to turn to, as he seemed thoroughly helpless. But Brynn was more than fine with that, as she was helpless too. She didn’t want people to fuss over her, telling her what she should do and how she should grief, she wanted to be left alone and at the same time not. And that was just what Gwaine was giving her. He was there, but his insecurity kept him from saying too much or the wrong things. He held her close which gave her something to lean on, but – as she guiltily thought: unlike himself – he did not make any move to exploit the situation. He was simply Gwaine, a friend in need. And like the old saying put it, therefore a friend indeed.

It didn’t take away the pain of course, and the prime part of her brain still tried to process the fact that Alex was no more. That would need time, she knew that. She might be devastated now, but the real grieving would come later, when she could fully comprehend what it meant to be alone, after such a long time of just self-evidently being together. Their families had talked about marriage, and why shouldn’t they? It had been all so crystal clear, a match made in heaven. They both had known there would never be anyone else. And now she most likely would end her life as a spinster. The goosemaiden turning into the goose hag eventually. But did it really matter? Brynn did not find it in herself to bother. The future would come or it would not, it was of no consequences now.

"You can only do whatever you feel comfortable with Brynn; you were only doing what you thought was right."
She gave a little, pained snort and shook her head sadly, her messed up braid brushing over her back and his as well, as they were sitting so close.
”Well, I think that was a brutal lesson of: when we THINK something is right it doesn’t mean it IS right… thank you life, I could have done with a little less finality.” She was getting angry now, voicing ridiculous blames and not even so much listening to what she said. Maybe in the next few days she would not even remember what had left her mouth and she would feel sorry for much of it. There was still an air of shock over this whole situation. It all felt so unreal. Only the missing geese told her that this was no day like any other. And the neverending pain inside her of course, where a huge part of herself had been torn out.

And now he DID start on the obvious things to say, and it made Brynn’s tears flow even harder. It certainly did not make her calm down, if that was what he had aimed for.
”He surely would not want to be dead either!” she retorted, heaving a sob. “He was as full of life as you could ever find one, you included!” She had loved that in him above everything else. Brynn often enough was a worrier and too shy and introverted to really enjoy life to its fullest. Alex had given her the security she needed but at the same time had lifted her to the skies and above. Freedom in security… and now she was in free fall.

Slowly the numbness died down, but that didn’t work so miuch for Brynn’s benefit. It only made the blades of pain sharper that seemed to pierce into every parts of her body, but most notably, her heart. There was no bleeding to show the pain, but that didn’t make in any less real. Every time she took a shaking breath, Brynn all but winced, as every intake of breath brought the realization anew. Alex is no more. Alex is dead. You have to live on without him.
Live on? How?! How could she possibly learn to live on? So many people had to do it all the time, so many lived were taken every day, but never in her wildest dreams, Brynn would have imagined it to be so hard. Did everyone feel like that over the loss of a loved one? Could it be possible for anyone else to feel so much pain? Of course, if she had been able to think rational at this time, Brynn would have told herself that she could not be the only one. But it felt that way, and at the moment feeling was everything Brynn stil felt capable of.

Brynn almost winced as she felt his arm tightening around her shoulder. Had she been in any other state of mind, she might have pushed his arm away, not forcefully, but distinctively. Now she didn’t have the strength to, even though it didn’t feel right. Not his arm should be hugging her, not anyone else’s but Akex’. But Alex was the reason she was crying over and he would never hug her again. It was so wrong. It was all so terribly wrong.
And why couldn’t she take the blame for it? It was true after all, was it not? Alex had sometimes stayed the night, rarely, because Brynn knew it wasn’t befitting before they were married. There was a common consent about these moral rules, and Alex belonged with his family in the lower town. Not in the keep. So she had bid him good night, never dreaming it would be the last time she saw him. Had he even known how much she loved him? Had this last kiss they had shared really been enough to make him sure she was his for all time?

”It IS my fault”, she insisted with a shaking voice. “And I can never make it up again. Why couldn’t I forego common consents just for once?! Others do it all the time!”
And then she could not hold it back any longer. She just needed something to lean on as a new wave of pain seemed to drown her whole body and mind. Slowly her head tilted sidewards and came to rest on Gwaine’s shoulder, while she was being shaken by sobs.
”I… I just don’t know what to do, Gwaine…” she whispered. “Without him… and in general…. I just don’t know… Why him? Why not me…?”

It took some while for Brynn to register who was approaching her, and to even care to notice. Her mind was imprisoned in just one horrifying reality, with no other thought able to occupy her brain for long. Alex… She had always needed time on her own, had never been such a people person as him, but now, right when she had lost him, she realized how much she had relied on him. Over the years his life and hers had become intertwined to such an extent that you never really could tell what was his and her life alone. Like two trees that had grown around each other, Brynn and Alex had been a beautiful entity, and now he had been cut off. And it just did not make any sense. Why him? Why now? Her mind refused to make sense of any of this, and so she could only helplessly repeat in her mind what she already knew. He was not there anymore. He would never be there again. Right when she needed him.

But another part of her mnd could also not refuse to acknowledge the person next to her any longer, even though she would have liked to. Her eyes almost blindly focused on him, seeing him without really seeing him at all. Gwaine. Yes it was Gwaine.
It maybe should have interested her why he was here and why now, as it did not make any sense. But that was nothing new. To Brynn nothing made sense anymore. And yet he was there. She would have to deal with him somehow, although she had no idea what to do. Could she trust her voice to speak? But what should she say? There was nothing more to say, was there? For now, Brynn’s world had stopped turning. And she didn’t even mind. If it was only for her, she could stay here for all time to come.

She hardly felt the touch of his hand, but it was as real as the grass was under her fingers. Gwaine was there. The world kept turning. Seconds trickled by. They would form into minutes, and minutes would form into hours. The sun would set, and it would rise again. But without Alex.
Brynn didn’t remove her hand from under his, she didn’t mind the touch, but it also did not have the effect Gwaine probably desired. It did not make her feel less alone, simply because she couldn’t feel anything at all for the moment. Maybe that would come later, maybe it won’t. She did not care. Unwillingly, pictures rose from the depth of her memory up to the forefront of her mind, and she did not have to strength to fight them back. The night they had first met… Defeating the grapes of the world… the next evening… dancing, a mass of flying colors, Alex gleaming face… who would light up her world now?

“He can’t be gone…” it was almost a stubborn denial. They’ve had so many plans. King of the Kitchens and Queen of the Geese… so many plans…
“Why him…?” she whispered, but with the next words her voice turned into a desperate howl. “WHY HIM?!”

She was running. Without any direction, without any sense, just running, wanting to get away. She didn’t even see the way she was taking as a veil of tears clouded her eyes. She was running, stumbling, falling, hardly noticing the stinging of her scraped hands and knees, getting up again, running on.
She wanted to run forever, to stop thinking, as if when she stopped thinking about it, stopped acknowledging the truth, it would come undone. Everything would be fine. She would be fine. Alex would be fine.
Alex was dead.
He would never crack a joke again, never again make her blush with one of his flowery compliments. He would never swoop her up in his arms again, making her think she was flying. He had survived so many attacks Camelot had suffered, had battled skeletons and undead soldiers… but he had lost this one last fight.

More tears were streaming down her face and she jostled a few people in her way, but hardly noticed it. One voice called her name but she didn’t stop. She could not stop. If she only could run fast enough, maybe the wind would take her up and take her away from all this horror.
But she felt so detached from it like she had never been in all her life. Like someone had clipped her wings she felt entrapped, encaged on earth for all eternity. She would never fly again. Because the wind beneath her wings had gone. Alex had always been the wind beneath her wings. And now he was dead.
Her feet lead her to her favourite meadow, past the gate where he had told her he loved her. She didn’t see it. She didn’t see anything. Her geese were in their stall in the castle. She could not bother for them now. She could not bother for anything anymore.

As soon as she had reached the little enclosure in the meadows where she spent her days most of the time, her knees gave way and she fell hard on the ground, curling up into a ball.
The screams in the night had been worse enough…
”W-wind I beg you, h-heave me h-high…”
No one had dared to go outside…
“Lift me up… I w-want to… to fly…”
No one had been safe…
“Take me… take me g-gently on your w-wings…”
She had waited for him in the morning…
“Lure me… with your v-voice th-that s-s-sings…”
He had not come
“Thy… bride of… of w-wind I want to be…”
She had searched for him…
The bakery was empty…
In the back room, they had all been laying…
Frozen faces… Alex still shielding Lita..
”C-come my sweetheart…”
It had been too late. The Dorocca had taken him.

“Home…home take me…”
But the wind did not take her. She was all alone.


Tag: Gwaine
Timeline: Ep "The Darkest Hour" Part 1
Time of Day: Morning

In her head Brynn was already envisioning a talk with her parents, anticipating every argument they might have against it and trying to find a good answer. Her father would not say much but he would be the hardest to sway. He did not believe that commoners and nobles should mingle too much. Each to his own, he often said. He would lay his life down for any of the knights in a heartbeat, but that was his profession, not something born out of friendship. And that Gyrth would have the time of his life might not be convincing either. For John Reade, an eight year old by should slowly learn to abandon his dreams and focus on his grown up future…
And just that very same thought sparked an idea in Brynn that made her grin rather mischievously. “Well, I will have to run it by my parents first and that might take a little, though now I think I have the perfect tactic…” her grin just widened. “So let’s say, maybe a week from now? I’ll come back to you on that!”

It seemed like her and Gwaine truly were on the same wavelength concerning knights. Brynn might have thought her opinions a little rebellious and had shied away from voicing them, but the risk had been worth it. Not that she would lose any more words on the matter, she was not one for rebellious talk after all. That she would leave for men and women with sharper tongues and wiser minds. When it came down to it, she really didn’t care for much more than her own and especially her family’s safety. She was no one to want to change the world. If changes happened and they did not collide with her ground beliefs – like for example that the right Pendragons were to rule Camelot and no one else, not even Lady Morgana who had been a Pendragon by blood – she accepted them and tried to make the best of it all.
”Glad we agree there, Gwaine”, she replied with a little thoughtful smile. “I already feared I was going out on a limb with this.”

Gwaine only confirmed her rather spiteful remark and seemed to find not the least bit wrong with it. Brynn was not made for a life such as this, she couldn’t even quite grasp the concept. Yes, you ought to have fun once in a while, she would never want to miss out on the rare nights she spent dancing with Alex, but make it a lifetime of just drinking around? And she was sure a rather big lot of flirting with various girls of any status and kind belonged to this kind of pastime as well.
But then again, if Gwaine spent his nights like that and still managed to put on a very good show fighting in the morning, who was she to reprimand him? Apart from the moral grounds her accusations bared of all substance.
”You’ll be an old man at the age of thirty-three”, she predicted though with a mockingly raised forefinger. “Mark my words, Sir Gwaine.”
She nodded curtly when he told her he would not harm her geese unless they would harm him first. “That’s only right, and I am here to prevent that anyway.”

Brynn still kept a firm eye on Martin and also on the other geese, as some were now approaching as well, but rather out of curiosity than malice, and so the little gesture Gwaine made escaped her. The gander was still nervous and slightly on edge, but even as Gwaine was now standing beside her, he made no further aggressive move.
”What makes all men cranky?” Brynn retorted matter-of-factly. “When women show their own minds. He’s got a favourite mate, Queenie – the tall geese with the slightly ragged feathers – and they can be like cat and dog on some days. Nothing serious though, when it comes down to it, they love each other.”

Trust Gwaine to turn this simple conversation into something far more flirtatious. But Brynn was far past feeling uncomfortable about it. She had realized that it was all in good humor with no real questionable intentions behind it and so she could treat it as such: a joke. She was now sure he would be a good tutor for little Gyrth, even if the lad should by no means take this too serious. Just because a knight took him under his wings didn’t mean he would become one when he was older. That was still written in the stars. Still, thinking alone of Gyrth’s face lighting up with the news made Brynn feel all warm and happy inside. This would be something he would never forget for sure!
“Good to know that you would have declined if I looked a little uglier”, she teased. “There you can see that men more often than not make promises with their eyes and not with their mind.”
Like it had been with Alex some time ago, Brynn now warmed up to the banter. It always took her a little, but if she tried hard enough, she could muster the odd good remark as well.

Did she imagine it or was he really a little uncomfortable with her praise? At least his body language suspected as much, but Brynn could not quite bring the cheeky, joking Gwaine together with the one that was standing in front of her now. Usually, cheek was born out of a specific confidence in one own abilities, and so it would not be the natural way to go to be so timid about them. What was it with him then? Brynn wasn’t really one to pigeon-hole people, but she usually found there were certain patterns to behavior and if you stuck to them you knew what to expect. It was not the first time Gwaine had surprised her there with behaving different. But then, she knew almost nothing about him, so who was she to prejudge him anyway?
“Well it’s about time they learn they cannot only rely on a good name to make them good knights. They have to put something behind those names, and what better opportunity to show what they are made of then when being challenged by those who weren’t as lucky?”

Brynn was not an overly easy girl to offend, she rather sought the mistake with herself than with others, and spend a lot of time pondering things first before acting impulsively, but there was a firm line that no one should cross, and it lay with her soft spots. She did not take threats to her beloved well, she could become fierce when either her family was threatened, or her geese. This could be a great strength, as it had enabled her to stay awake and alert through the attack of the Knights of Medhir so long until her family had been safe. But it could also be a weakness, because the moment Brynn senses a threat, however joking it might be, all humor left her.
“As many nights as you spend in the taverns, as is rumored,it wouldn’t surprise me”, she growled. “But there is one certain part of hand to hand combat I am also very capable of!” She raised her right hand. “One more word about harming my geese and you’ll see what I mean!”

As soon as Brynn examined her fosterlings and especially Martin, she realized that good behavior might not do the trick today. The gander was obviously in a very bad mood, and the reason for that stood a few paces apart, still hissing occasionally. Queenie, his favourite mate, but they could be like cat and dog sometimes. So when opening the gate, Brynn tried to intercept Martin’s path as he waddled in Gwaine’s direction, neck aggressively thrust out.
“Calm down, beautiful”, she crooned extending her arms wide to appear bigger. “This is a knight of Camelot, you better show him some respect…” Martin hissed and flapped his wings, but he stopped moving forward, eyeing her curiously. “Take slow steps”, she adviced Gwaine over her shoulders. “No hasty movements, I got it covered for now…”

Like every morning Brynn was gathering her geese to get them to the meadows outside Camelot’s walls. She loved the crisp morning air, when Camelot was not its usually bustling self, when few people were on the streets and those who were minded their own business. There was a special feeling in the air even, something Brynn couldn’t quite grasp, but it was different from any other time of day, be it midday, afternoon, evening or night. It was like the very texture of the air was more fragile, and not loaded with a day’s happenings like a fresh sheet of parchment, not touched by a quill before. Like the very day itself seemed to anticipate what was to come, in silent, patient waiting, content to be unwritten as of yet.

Brynn though needed not think far to know part of what this day would bring, and it filled her with excitement. Camelot was seeing a grand tournament, with only the best of Camelot’s and foreign knights allowed in this most honorable of all contests. It might seem peculiar for a girl, but Brynn always had enjoyed seeing the knights fight, she even had a secret hiding place in the parapet, coming from the meadows that let her peek towards the training grounds were Prince Arthur was exercizing his knights every day. Whenever she could afford it, Brynn snuck away from her geese, left them alone for a little while and went there to watch, so far gladly undetected in years.

Today she might also find a little time to watch the tournament, though she knew she would have to strike extremely lucky to still get a place in the crowded stands for the servants and other commoners. Too many were excited like her and wouldn’t want to miss this for the world. But she simply couldn’t keep the geese in on a beautiful day such as this, they would run rampart and drive everyone in the keep crazy! Better to miss a bit of fun than risking chaos and punishment following after it.
Brynn had just reached the lower town, keeping her fosterlings together with a little whip, when she spotted someone strolling ahead. Shielding her eyes, Brynn was astonished to recognize one of the young knights of Camelot. What was he doing out here? Still, it wasn’t her place to pry, so she merely lowered herself into a little curtsy when she passed him, calling out:

”Good morning, Sir! I wish you good luck on the tournament later!”

Brynn smiled to herself as she listened to Gwaine talking. It seemed she might not even have to be overly sneaky to arrange such a meeting between Gwaine and Gyrth, if Gwaine himself now seemed to take the matter rather seriously and offered to teach the little servant boy. How times were changing indeed! Brynn knew from this very second that she would do anything in her power to make this happen, she might even cover for Gyrth in front of her parents, because she was sure that neither Meaghan nor John Reade would think it befitting for their rascal son to spend time or even be trained by a knight. An honor, of course, but not befitting. They might never acknowledge they were living in a changing world, but then again Brynn might simply give them too little credit. She didn’t know half of what was on her parent’s mind, because speaking one’s thoughts was not a very common trait in the Reade family, her little siblings maybe aside.
”If this should come to pass, if we could find the means and time to make this happen, I think Gyrth would be so very happy”, she affirmed and smiled again fondly. “And as I have made it my goal to grant him the happiest childhood possible in these troubled times, I am all for it and would be forever indebted to you, Gwaine.”
Oh indeed, now she was picking up Alex’s flowery language big time! And ‘forever indebted’? There she might have just digged herself another hole to fall in…

An incredulous little laugh escaped Brynn’s lips as she followed Gwaine’s gesture with her eyes. Was he now being serious or joking again?! Did he judge her like that? That she was one of those female servants so stupid to believe a dalliance with a noble would lead to more than being dishonored and marked the slut? Just because Arthur was about to marry Guinevère in the near future didn’t mean that every girl was to live such a fairytale!
”Goodness no!” she exclaimed, shaking her head wildly. “Alex is nothing but a kitchen lad, but I wouldn’t want him to be anything else. Though”, she cocked her head, remembering a few of Alex’ more adventurous episodes, “I heard he was pretty good at fighting against skeletons. And he was brave enough to find his way through the city in the night of Morgana’s attack… to check if I was safe…” Brynn trailed off, her voice giving away how much she still couldn’t believe this simple fact. “But then again… it would be hilarious to see one of them charge at you just for talking to me… I should have schemed something like that earlier.”

Now wasn’t that such a typical ‘noble’ thing to say, even if Gwaine hadn’t shown much of this attitude earlier? Of course food was well received, but--
”well most of the time I think it’s simply taken for granted. The ones highest up are usually the last to get to feel the outcome of a food crisis. I can safely say I never tasted a single slice of one of my lovelies even if I had wanted to.”
That Brynn didn’t voice in the least way defiantly, she was simply stating facts. The world was as it was, and she had never been the one to wish to change it. There were those who ruled and there were those who served, it didn’t bring you much glory if you always sulked about not having been born on silken sheets.

Brynn was actually glad Gwaine didn’t want to dwell on that subject for long. It was still a sore spot to the goosemaiden, one that would take a long time healing, even if she mostly didn’t even admit so to herself. She rather pushed it away than clearly thinking it through, focusing on the present rather than on the past.
“You are right, it is passed, and we have to get over it. Because I think that is what she would like most, us still shivering from past experiences. I am sure she will strike again someday, and then we all have to be ready and not rendered senseless by fear of what has once happened.”
She nodded with a little chuckle, and continued on her way, pointing down the soft slope that meandered towards the meadows. “You can see their little enclosure in the distance, but I really have to warn you again”, she grinned. “Martin chased Merlin over half the meadow the other day.”

The thought of Gwaine teaching little Gyrth the ‘knightly ways’ as as amusing as it was actually moving. Gyrth would have the time of his life for sure, and Brynn was actually scheming in her head, how she could ever get those two to meet. Too bad he hadn’t been out with her today, but then if he had, she wouldn’t have been able to sneak to the training and meet Gwaine in the first place. She just hoped this conversation would continue to go well, so she could maybe arrange a ‘chance’ meeting with her brother and Gwaine for a later date.
Brynn chuckled and nodded softly. “My mother would probably agree with you there, no offense. But Gyrth… I think he might just worship you regardless. Until I have to step in so you don’t spoil him, of course.”
As if Brynn would ever step in to ground her brother’s happiness to dust like that! In her eyes, Gwaine would be better suited than some other knights she vaguely know and seeing as Gyrth was a rascal already, what could possibly go wrong?

Brynn thought it about time to mention one very simple, yet important fact. Not that she read anything into Gwaine’s compliments, she was not crazy like that, but she would feel shabby if one name was not finally voiced in this conversation. It was worse enough they didn’t get to see each other as much as they liked lately, as Alex’ promotion to cook’s assitant had left him barely a chance to breathe.
”Well, there is only one I’d like to run after me in any way”, she pointed out with a smile. “And he does so enough already for my taste, no need to enhance that.”
Not that she really did mind Alex telling her so much how he adored her, he was simply a man of many words. It just left her intimidated sometimes, feeling she was doing too little to show him how much she loved HIM.

She dismissed the thought about fighting ganders with one last laugh and a wave of the hand, finding it a bit too upsetting, but didn’t even know the reason why. Maybe it was because beside all what she said, she loved her geese dearly and she hated Lady Morgana, so those two things didn’t really mix well in her opinion. Best to keep them seperated even in her mind. Though…
”At least that’d be the one time I would not start a riot if those were led to the slaughter afterwards. I always get a tad angry when the cook wants one of my geese, even though I know it’s silly. I only herd them so they can be slaughtered on day after all.”
That didn’t keep her from getting attached to them though, and she always made sure she was the one choosing the poor victim. The cook knew better than to do such things behind her back, he done so once… and still regretted it.

Shaking her head slowly, Brynn tried to wave aside Gwaine’s concern, though she was moved by his consideration. He truly had a heart of gold, that man.
”Of course I was there… I haven’t left Camelot for once in all my life”, she commented and tried to make her voice sound carefree, not sure though how well she managed. “And it’s alright… I’m over it now… I think. I was not only in Camelot… I was there when the knights were lined up for – as we thought – execution. I don’t know how much you know about this day, but… instead of shooting the knights when Sir Leon renewed his vow to King Uther … they shot in the crowd. I was hit by a crossbow bolt, and only escaped with my life because Alex tackled me to the ground in the last possible second.” Brynn shuddered and tried to keep the nightmarish images at bay that sought to break free from where she had carefully put them.